Title: More Adverts
Author: Danielle
Rating: G
Disclaimer: All characters from the television series ‘Stargate SG-1’ belong to Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. The character 'The Doctor' from the television series 'Doctor Who' belongs to the British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC). I’m only borrowing them for my personal entertainment, and I promise I’ll put them back all nice and proper. I didn’t profit from writing this piece, though if someone wants to pay me huge wads of cash for the copyright, I won’t argue. All original characters, situations and item concepts belong to me, but you can use them if you really want to - just mail me first. Also mail me first if you want to archive this somewhere. Thank you kindly.

Author's Notes: These aren't so much for SG-1 as for those must-have items you'll need if you're on any SG-1 mailing lists...

Are you altogether sick of tripping over all of your character clones? Just wish that you had some place to put them to free up a bit of space around the house (or under your bed)? In our latest project, TonnesofRubbish^TM have combined with The Doctor^Ò himself to create the...

From the outside it looks like an ordinary, innocuous piece of furniture... But open that door and walk through those clothes - and you're in a paradise of your own making. Available in three standard designs:

+ Mediaeval castle interior, complete with suits of armour and geniune dungeon. A clone been naughty, just give him/her a spin on the rack, or if they've been especially bad there's an Iron Maiden with their name written all over it!!! Free whip set included with every order!
+ Straw hut, ala 'Gilligan's Island', with optional coconut grove. Have hours of fun trying to figure out how Mary-Anne used to make those delicious coconut cream pies without any cooking utensils whatsoever!!! Free man-eating shark with every order!
+ Luxury mansion with all the trimmings. Pool out the back, five car garage, twenty-two bedrooms (each with en suite bathroom) and a rumpus room the size of Stadium Australia! You couldn't ask for more, since we're not giving you anything else!!!

Now how's that for a solution to your space problem? You can take up on this exclusive offer by calling '1-900-WhyDidIOrderSoMany?' and we'll have our experienced technicians on your doorstep some time in the next millenium! CALL NOW!!!

# Calls cost US$100 for every breath you've taken in the past three weeks
# Standard price for entire package US$1 000 000 per year and purchaser must sign a contract for a minimum of one hundred years
# If purchaser should snuff it before contract is fulfilled, we'll just screw over their next-of-kin.
# Excuse us while we laugh all the way to the bank - and then to Majorca before we get prosecuted for tax evasion.

Your Danny clone goes walkabout on a regular basis? Are you sad enough to want to know his every move? Well, this product is just for you! Introducing the latest revolution in covert tracking...

Designed in such a manner that its removal is guaranteed to choke the helpless wearer into submission, this item will let you know exactly what your Danny does, before he even does it! Designed to include a patented RADAR tracking device and thought detector, you'll never have to worry again! Just clip it on and keep a beady eye on your patented monitor. His thoughts will pop up as he thinks them, and his position will be charted within one hundred kilometres of the actual spot he's standing. This is much better than any GPS system!! And it also comes in a wide variety of designs:

+ Baby shit brown - for those Dannys that just can stay off the grog and keep puking down their shirt-fronts.
+ Hot pink - for those limp-wristed Dannys that seem to wear nothing but costumes that'd be better suited to the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras.
+ Studded black leather - for the Harley-riding Dannys who won't settle for anything less that pure butch.
+ Leather thong with funky bead thingywhatsit - for the surfy Danny in your life that absolutely has to look like his fashion sense is up his anal fissure.
+ Some bizarre design that we think is the result of our designer having a hard night out on the piss and then barfing onto some material the moment he got home.

Only $49.95 each! Just call '1-900-NoseyCow' right now and order your bugged dog collar today!!! Free with every order, an industrial-size tub of hair wax that's guaranteed to give you the best head of hair you'll ever see (if you don't die from some horrible, nasty skin disease first)!

+ Calls cost absolutely nothing. NOT!!!
+ Each collar guaranteed to emit enough particle radiation to knock over a Clydesdale horse from fifty paces.
+ Delivery within 14-28 years.
+ MWAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAA!

Any comments or suggestions...?

© Dan 2000