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Is cheese turning your kids into killers?

A recent study by a group of food scientists showed that, out of ten thousand high school students, one was more likely to have violent thoughts after eating a slice of cheese. This proves what many people have been suggesting for years: that cheese causes violence in schools. Conventional wisdom says that the Internet is mostly to blame, with video games and TV playing a major role also. Of absolutely no importance are social problems at school or overly-conformist teachers. But this new study is already changing people's thoughts about youth violence. One team researcher, who wishes to remain anonymous to protect himself from "those cheese-eating goons", remarked that "None of that matters anymore. Cheese is the only important factor."

It has already been shown that, at sometime in their lives, the shooters at Columbine and Santee high schools have eaten cheese. This proves that there is a strong correlation between cheese and violent acts. Said one researcher, "The harmful effects of cheese can affect one's behavior for up to ten years after eating the cheese. Our two-week study has proven this conclusively."

Parent groups are already protesting the use of cheese in so many of the foods that we eat every day. One parent said, "The food industry has a responsibility to make sure that their products don't cause kids to become violent." Concerned parents have formed so-called "CRAPPY" (Cheese Restriction And Protection Programs For Our Youth) groups throughout the country. Vocal CRAPPY parent John Blatz gave us his opinion on the matter: "It's just terrible how much cheese is being used in the foods we eat every day. I for one am urging Congress to pass the C-chip bill." The C-chip is a small device attached to a refrigerator. It prevents anyone under eighteen years old from removing any cheese-based product from the refrigerator. Says Blatz, "If this bill passes, the C-chip would be required in all new refrigerators. Also, simple add-on kits will be made available for all current refrigerator models. This will make it easy for parents to protect their kids from the cheese menace."

Schools everywhere have removed cheese from their school lunch menus. Schools are also craking down on cheese users. One school administrator remarked, "We are trying to find out which students at our school have eaten cheese recently. Those students will recieve special psychiatric counseling to compensate for the effects of the cheese. We must not let any cheese users remain at our school!"

An executive for a large cheese company responded to threats of legal action: "Cheese does not cause violence by itself. Parents need to be more aware of their kids' feelings, and talk to their kids on a regular basis." He was then trampled by a mob of CRAPPY parents bearing signs such as "Cheese Kills!" and "We Demand Cheese Restrictions!". Future action by CRAPPY is already planned. Said Blatz, "If we can't get the C-chip put into every refrigerator in the USA, we will take each and every cheese manufacturer to court for endangering our children. We will stop at nothing to protect our kids!"

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