News
that belongs in the past
Apple and
Microsoft Giants Unite to form Doomsday Clock
By Grey Events
The Internet foamed out of computer and phone screens around the world this
week when it was announced that Apple Computers CEO and immortal demigod Steve
Jobs was going to unite his talents with those of Microsoft puppet master
and functionally unkillable mastermind Bill Gates.
Somehow even rumours of this ultimate team up of ultimate corporate muscle
evaded even the all knowing, all encompassing power of the Internet, hence
the frothing, which is causing no small amount of flooding in computer goods
stores.
The publicly stated reason for this team up is to accurately assess when the
end of the world will be.
Convinced of his own near immortality after surviving cancer, the massive
online criticism of the iPhone as it suffered minor failures and the larger
failure of not being able to make everyone physically, emotionally and mentally
happy, and the intense, focused hatred caused when the iPad failed to become
the be all and end all of human technology, thereby causing all of society
to collapse into a mass of seething joy dedicated to spreading itself around
the Universe, Steve Jobs has become obsessed with the end of the world, which
might just have the power to end him.
Bill Gates motive appears to be that he has been looking for a hobby/attention
getter since no one complains about him much anymore.
Fears exist that 2012 will signal the end of the world, in part due to the
triple alignment of ancient South American calendar predictions, Nostrodamus
prophecies, and the disaster movie “Eat, Pray, Love”, which bought
together Julia Roberts and an international best seller book into a format
so horrific, so terrifying, that had audience members stumbling out of the
theatre predicting the end times for the Hollywood star and the distinct possibility
that books will pass beyond the veil.
It is thought that the last is what caught Steve Jobs’ attention as
he is attempting to exterminate paper and replace it all with iScreens of
some description.
Consequently many expect an iSurvivalPod to be the big thing by late 2011
or early 2012, though whether it will have room for anyone other than Steve
Jobs and Steve Jobs’ money is anyone’s guess as this leaves nothing
to feed his ego.
This also fails to take into account the Bill Gates factor. If Jobs could
do this alone then he would, but he has asked a man who is probably as close
as he has to a rival to assist him.
Each commands much the same resources, doubling their capabilities, but just
like Jobs computer mogul Bill Gates has some unique talents to bring to this
project.
Gates’ skill at personnel motivation and goal setting could put this
project on the fast track it needs to be. From constant harassment to grudging
rewards Bill Gates has used every trick in the book. Even offering, or threatening
we’re not too sure to be honest, to provide a lapdance to every employee
who meets, or only meets hence the threat, the set daily targets.
Reporters around the world are having a hard time with this one, it sounds
like an interesting story shaping up, but at the same time no one really wants
to get closer to these two than necessary.
With a casual disregard for wellbeing we hope to be the first to bring you
into the loop on this attempt to cheat Armageddon.
Previous News:
Corpses Buried Under Pirates of the Caribbean, Teacups Filled with Blood.
1031 B.C. - 2010 A.D., Really Pathetic, LLC.
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