News that belongs in the past
Corpses Buried
Under Pirates of the Caribbean, Teacups Filled with Blood
By Grey Entertainment
Star, long-time Disney Corporation employee and resident of one of their
many planned communities, Goofy, has been charged with multiple counts of
murder after the discovery of fifteen corpses. Apparently murdered over
a fifty year period, they were discovered in his home by exterminators conducting
a routine inspection.
Authorities have used this to sweep all Disney holdings and have discovered
another five bodies in Disneyland, and three in early searches of Disneyworld.
EuroDisney may be searched by Interpol agents, just as soon as anyone can
remember if it still exists or not.
Residents and employees of Disney are shocked. The popular, outgoing Goofy
has long traded on his harmless, helpful if dim-witted persona, using it
to fuel a successful movie and TV career, with numerous sponsorship deals,
and a fortune that some estimate to be larger than the more popular Mickey
Mouse’s by virtue of judicious investing and lacking his fellow’s
slew of ex-wives.
Of course this latter makes much more sense in context as five of Goofy’s
wives have died and a sixth disappeared and has yet to be found. If this
sixth wife is among the bodies found Goofy’s reputation as the world’s
unluckiest bachelor may take on a disturbing twist, and mark this as a rare
relationship disaster near miss for Elizabeth Taylor.
Already celebrities are coming out of the woods to speak on Goofy’s
behalf, stating that it is impossible for such a character to be a callous
murderer.
Whoopie Goldberg, Justin Beiber, Garth Brooks and Kermit the Frog have all
claimed that Goofy’s wide eyed and innocent ways are not an act.
Celebrity endorsement does not appear to be working. Already a case is being
built against the star.
According to authorities Goofy has long played the “dumb” act,
playing to the talking dog stereotype that has earned him derision in cartoon
circles, and even scorn from cast mate and silent actor Pluto, who deemed
his mute performances better than playing up a caricature.
Insiders, a stream of personal assistants who claim their careers and personal
lives have been destroyed by a hidden vindictive side to Goofy, and a few
traumatised former stars such as Daisy Duck, Clarabelle Cow and Max, who
played Goofy’s son in a short lived sitcom, have stated that behind
the supposedly dim-witted and good natured facade is a controlling, manipulative
dark side.
Clarabelle has said that she retired rather than have to deal with Goofy’s
“hands on everything” nature, which in the 60s and 70s was not
going to be auctioned, and that the discovery of bodies is not so much a
surprise as a confirmation.
Max, currently working security for a Sacramento Wal-Mart, has said that
while he would not be surprised if Goofy were responsible for the bodies
he believes that the work environment of Disney and its planned communities
bear a greater responsibility than any personality flaws, just like his
frequent relapses into bear baiting that cost Max his fame.
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