Last week's News
News article for the week of 12/22/07.
The Search for Atlantis
XMAS: Ha Ha, Very Funny, Now Put The Sleigh Away
Now I love the yuletide season as much as anyone else, even if I’m stuck in the Amazon, atop an amazing discovery because the people who hired me figured celebrating as a team beat going home to family and turkey.
Not that I’m complaining about the Amazonian equivalent of turkey, it’s just not the same when choosing between light, dark and orange meat.
The exact reason for staying here is unknown. Security is a factor, I’ll be honest I can understand that, archaeological sites have long suffered pillaging and pilfering on large and small scales, so keeping some of us here makes sense, keeping all of us here is somewhat egalitarian but still a tad cruel in my estimation.
Of course crueller still are our antics.
We are bored. Bored stupid by not bored out of our malicious inventiveness. It may as well be early April rather than late December.
Hot on the heels of a discovery that what we think are Atlantian pictograms describing how John met Marsha, fell in love and then met Sophie to complicate things came (the names John, Marsha and Sophie are just things we came up to for ease of differentiation, what we think are Atlantian names all seem to be based on sweat, personal odour and eating habits), we found what appeared to be the remains of nine large, antlered quadrupeds harnessed to a boxy thing with skids rather than wheels, with the remains of a man who by all forensic evidence was morbidly obese and a sack of what might have once been Atlantian toys.
Naturally this “discovery” was a joke perpetuated by my bored “colleagues”. In other words the they took the time they have here, stuck doing nothing but waiting to celebrate Christmas away from their families and beloved figurine collections, mocking up skeletal remains.
I am not immune to such things myself.
Using nothing more than a little creative writing, some inside knowledge I never wanted, a few favours owed to me by journalists equally stuck in the office and a little known Russian media satellite that can be hacked with nothing more than a paperclip and a toothbrush I delivered an interesting news report.
I reported that aliens with pointed ears had landed, called themselves Vulcans, killed William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy for crimes against intergalactic stereotypes, dedicated themselves to their party gods Bill and Ted and bought a message to Earth to “Party On”
We always figured that the fat balding Trekkie who lives with his mother would have a heart attack on this journey. We just didn’t know that I’d be the direct cause.
2007 In Review: The Worst Of The Worst
By, Grey News
Though hardly filled with doom and jellybeans as was initially predicted by soothsayers and real estate agents a year ago 2007AD has been something else.
The popularity of pretty girls who never did a damn thing that was important has begun to falter, wars over oil and Smurf Juice begin to wane, and yet something dark shadowed our footsteps through the year.
One of the more shocking moments was surely the mass spontaneous combustion of pants across the world.
Initially put down to some sort of virus, innocent people could be walking down the street, sitting at home or doing some other thing involving pants only to have their favoured outerwear suddenly explode into flames.
The great pants explosion of Toledo, Ohio where ninety pairs of pants in close proximity on a busy street during a lunch hour flamed on and left people pantsless and shocked.
Though greatly reduced in frequency the exact cause of the explosions remain unknown, and could possibly feature in the years to come as fashion houses compete to bring the man-skirt to fruition.
More disturbing still was news of President George W Bush’s new plans, that according to critics, if left unchallenged could destroy the world order.
President Bush took up yodelling lessons after a quick trip to Switzerland, where he shook hands with an otter and proclaimed it the greatest of all reigning European monarchs.
Never much of a singer Special Service Agents have been issued hazard pay and suicide pills. News that Bush may entertain guests next year with his new “talent” have disturbed diplomatic circles greatly and some even believe that the election should be moved up to February.
This of course pales in comparison to proof that humans are not alone in the Universe.
Martians landed in a saucer and cup shaped ship, and demanded that we turn off the damn racket on the radio.
Apparently if they are bombarded with any more Shakira, Christina Agularia or Eminem they are going to come back with a death ray.
A little more noticeable was Britney Spears’ parenting skills, or lack thereof.
In an age where white trash negligent mothers are common enough to be taken off the endangered species list this was hardly newsworthy in itself, that she was rich and famous was simply considered making it easier for Spears to return to her roots under the glare of camera light.
No, what was disturbing about this development was that all of a sudden Kevin Fenderlane was a good parent.
Not a great parent, in fact just barely competent, but by comparison he was considered an icon of parenting.
And of course the single most shocking event of 2007, the one event no one will ever forget, no matter how much therapy is applied, is John Travolta, in drag and a fat suit, on the big screen.
No one thought it would be harmful, no one took it seriously, even after that entire theatre audience came out and tore their eyes from their sockets no one was too worried, some even thought it critically relevant as a movie.
But it was still John Travolta. In a fat suit. In drag. Dancing.
The world may never be the same again.
Really Pathetic Productions 1997-2007© Menu Bar By, Albatross