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More Jokes
~ There is a Vikings fan who is married to a 49ers fan. He loves her with all of his
heart, but just can't get past the fact that she is a 49ers fan and therefore, kinda slow.
He thinks long and hard, and comes to a decision.
As much as he loves Minnesota, he loves her more. He decides to become a 49ers
fan.
After weeks of trying unsuccessfully to root for the 49ers he decides to enlist the aid of
a doctor.
"Doc, I want to become a 49ers fan, is there any way you can do it?" the man asks.
"Well, it's quite simple, I just have to remove 1/3 of your brain, but it is a very
dangerous procedure. Are you sure you want to do this?" the Doctor asks.
"I have no other choice." the man says. He wants to have the surgery right away.
The doctor begins the procedure. During the operation, his hand slips, and he cuts out
too much of the poor Vikings fan's brain. While the man is recuperating, the doctor is
pacing around his bedside.
The man starts to stir. The doctor rushes over and says "Sir! I am so sorry, during the
surgery I mistakenly removed 2/3 of your brain!"
"GO Pack GO".
~ Packers football practice was delayed this morning for nearly two hours.
One of the players, while on the way to the locker room happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head Coach Mike Sherman immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate.
After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was actually the goal line. Practice resumed when FBI Special Agents decided that the team was not likely to encounter the substance again.
~ Brett Favre and Antonio Freeman were out for a drive in the country. Suddenly Freeman starts yelling at Favre "stop! stop! pull over!" So Favre pulls over and Freeman jumps out of the car and runs over to a sheep which has it's head stuck in a fence. Freeman mounts the sheep starts fucking it like no other. He yells "bret! bret! you gotta come try this!" so Favre runs over and sticks his head in the fence.
~ Three football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female body. Out of respect and propriety, the Broncos fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Niners fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Packers fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch. The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Bronco's cap and replaced it. Next, he lifted up the Niners cap, and replaced it. The officer then lifted up the Packers cap, and replaced it, then lifted it again, then lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time. The Packers fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking and lifting and looking?" "Well," said the officer "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Packers hat, I find an asshole."
~ A lion in the Chicago zoo was lying in the sun licking it's ass when a visitor turned to the zookeeper and said, "That's a docile old thing isn't it?" "No way," said the zookeeper, "it's the most ferocious animal in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a Green Bay Packer fan into the cage and completely devoured him." "Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its ass?" "The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth" said the zookeeper.
~ The Packers and the Vikings decide to have an ice fishing contest. On the first day, the Vikings catch 8 fish and the Packers catch none. On the second day, the Vikings catch 6 fish and the Packers catch none. On the third day, Ray Rhodes decides to send over Brett Favre as a spy to see how the Vikings are doing so well. Favre comes running back to the other Packers after spying on the Vikings. They all gather around him excitedly. "Well, what did you find out?" Rhodes asks. "Well, coach," Favre replies. "They're cheating! They dug holes in the ice!"
~ A Bears fan used to amuse himself by scaring every Green Bay Packer fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their obnoxious green and yellow colors. He would swerve his van as if to hit them and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the van driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed so he turned around and pulled over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to say Mass at St. Joseph's Church, about five miles down the road!", replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in!"
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Packer fan walking down theroad and instinctively he swerved as if to hit him, but just in time he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the idiot. Even though he was certain he missed the guy, he still heard a loud "THUD."
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and he didn't see anything. Then he remembered the priest and he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit that Green Bay Packer fan." "That's okay," replied the priest. "I got the bastard with the door!"
~ A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Green Bay packer fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are green bay too. Not really knowing what a Packer fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air. There is, however, one exception. A little girl named Tracy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Packer fan" she retorts. "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?" "I'm a proud Bears fan" boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Tracy why she is a Bears fan. "Well, my Dad and Mom are Bears fans, so I'm a Bears fan too" she responds. The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot. What would you be then?" Tracy smiles and says, "Then I'd be a Packers fan.
~ A Bears fan in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a joke about Packer fans?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall and 220 pounds and I'm a Packer fan. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 240 pounds and he's a Packer fan, and the guy sitting next to him is 6'5", 280 pounds and he's a Packer fan, too. Now, do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The Bears fan says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."
~ Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass and said "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Illinois, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite shore-line along the Great Lakes. The people from Illinois are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human football team who will be admired and feared by all who come across them." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them in Wisconsin."
~ Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "241." "That's wonderful!!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have so much to discuss!" Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" To which the woman answers, "144." "That is great!!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!" Albert goes to yet another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51." Albert responds, "How about those Packers?".
~ PACKERS SCHEDULE FOR 2000
SEPTEMBER 12..........Wilson Jr. High School
19..........Cub Scout Troop 101
26..........Green Bay Blind Academy OCTOBER
3..........Spanish American War Vets
10..........Crippled Children's Home
17..........Jefferson City State Hospital
24..........Girl Scout Troop #353
31..........Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders
NOVEMBER 7..........WI VD Clinic Post #3
14..........Madison Boys Choir
21..........Korean Amputees
28..........Cleveland Browns
SPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT GAME DECEMBER 5..........St. Raphael's Christian Women's Assoc.
~ RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR
1). When playing polio patients, Packers must not disconnect knee braces.
2). When playing the blind academy, Packers must not hide the football under their jerseys.
RULES THE SAME FROM LAST YEAR
1). A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line, for all you Packer fans who've forgotten what this is) is still worth 6 points
2). The Packers will be allowed 20 men on the field at all times.
3). The Packers will be allowed to substitute with band members at any time during the course of the game.
4). The Packers will be awarded a first down with each gain of 3 yards or more.
~ A packer fan and his dog walk into a bar and they each take a seat at the bar to watch the packer game. The packers march down the field but are stopped and have to settle for a field goal. As the ball splits the uprights, the dog jumps up, does a perfect back flip and lands on the stool just as if he hadn't moved. Again the packers march down the field, get stopped and kick a field goal. Again the dog jumps up and does the back flip and perfect landing. This time the bartender says, "Hey, that's pretty amazing, what does the dog do if the packers score a touchdown?" The packer fan sighed and said, "I don't know, I've only had him for three years!"
~ Quarterback Brett Favre, after living a full life, died.
When he got to heaven, God started showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Packers flag in the window.
"This house is yours for eternity, Brett," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."
Brett felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with orange and blue trim, 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Bears logo flag, and in every window, a large growling Bear emblem.
Brett looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an All-Pro Quarterback, I won a Super Bowl, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."
God said, "So, what do you want to know, Brett?"
"Well, why does Walter Payton get a better house than me?"
God chuckled and said, "Brett, that's not Walter Payton’s house, it's mine."
~ Mike Holmgren walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to Brett Favre and said . . . . ., "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
Brett agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"
Brett thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?" Holmgren exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance
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