You know who you are.
Mood:  lazy
Topic: happy?

I miss talking with you how we used to.

Twinns are always twinns, right?

So what the fuck happened to us?

 -----

I called you on your birthday, and you sounded like you couldn't have hung up on me any faster than we did. I'm sorry you hate me now. I miss our friendship.

-----

The last time you called me, you told me about Delli, and I hoped you were okay. I wondered if we might actually hang out again, or call, or bridge this gap we've created... but I don't know if we can.

 -----

The other day I left work sick while Kyle was in a class he couldn't get out of, and started walking home... I know it was stupid to try walking home when I was whiting out at work, but still.... I got to where I saw Once Upon A Child, and thought of trying to hang out with you for a while at your house... but it was only 7 o'clock at night, and I didn't want to cause trouble for you with the Girl and the Boy, so I called Midge to come get me instead.

-----

Questions yet to be asked:
How are your classes going? What are you taking this term? Do we have any classes together?
How's life?

-----

Oh well?
Oh.
Well.
Oh well.....

More than just "as you wish."
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: "The Princess Bride" is on my TV.
I do best when I'm cold. Unemotional. Rational, cynical, dark. That's when everything necessary gets done. When I feel anything else... happiness, love, lovey-shit and etc., anything that seems different than dark and cold, everything goes wrong. I feel fear, insecurity, jealousy, sometimes the sadness creeps back in....

I want to love him, truly. Sometimes I think I've done that fearful thing already; fallen and all. But I've made a decision. The words, those three words that can make or break a person for some ridiculous reason, will not spill from my lips first. It's taking so much in me to keep from simply asking Kyle: "How do you feel about me? Do you love me (and I do mean more than just care)? Are you in love with me?"

Maybe he's waiting for the first time we're together, just him and me? The last time I was "with" him, we were also with Daff. The three of us had quite the merry time creating havoc near the Thumb. But now... she's engaged to this James guy (who I have never met, but am quite suspicious of, and don't really trust). And Kyle... well, he's moving here starting tomorrow to be with me.

Another worry: What if he's waiting for *me* to say it first?!?! I may break, I can't quite say. But how I want him so much to say it to me first. It may be a long time waiting if I never ask him how he feels. But he's coming here, he's coming to stay with me, so.... I just wish I knew if he was in love with me. But I can't make myself ask, can't force him to say.

But, even if it's meaningless, I want to hear him whisper them.

I have a headache, and I long.
Goodnight.

Baby, I'm just another broken mirror.
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: [city of devils by yellowcard]
Topic: don't even ask
I think I wrote a song tonight, using only the madness whirling through my troubled mind. It means everything and nothing right now. Maybe I'll break it into stanzas sometime later, but for now, it's written as I thought it up, and I don't know the rhythm. I'm so fucking mentally tired, I just wish my mind would shut up and my body would feel just as exhausted. Hell....
And I have no idea where the title came from, it just popped into my head, and I liked it.
<--------------------------------------------------->
"If You Tell Me I'm Pretty, You Call My Mirror A Liar"
by R. Krugler, copyright 2007

Shh... whisper, whisper, whisper. Won't you just take my hand, and we'll never turn back again? Once it was land of plenty, where now it's just another tundra. The masses are confused by those who smile in a time of tragedy; they never understand that some must joke about the darkness of the world, or they'll never laugh again. Twisted darling, darker masters. Have you seen anything like me before? Quiet down, she can hear you and she's not smiling. There's a knife taped to my back, and every time I stretch out my arms, no matter which direction, it stabs me again. It's not nearly as sharp as the tongues of those you love, though, is it? The dice are falling, and add up to twenty-three. One must wonder, was it deliberate, or chance that the dice came up thus? I think my hand's stuck in the fan, and I can't feel it anymore. She called you by your name, and all you knew was that she'd gotten it wrong somehow, so you turned away. Do you remember what it was like before everything fell apart and his hand was still in yours? It will never be the same again, nothing feels like that first taste of ice cream come summer. Hush, babe, hush, hush, hush. The spiders are sleeping and you'll wake them without your screams echoing throughout the hallways. Is it pathetic that I can't remember my locker number anymore? The combination lock escapes me, as I've never been good at getting anything open. Hand to mouth, and smoke your problems away as though that fixes everything. What's the matter, lovely, can't find your eyes again? You never could see. This is the last time I say this: I will not tell you how to make me feel. The pen is in your hands, and my heart is in my throat. It's just the memory of a day so long ago that breaks me back down into the wreck you originally met. Once upon a time? Honey, tell me a story, I need to hear happy lies. Good night, lovely, kiss your pillow to sleep. The dawn will creep up soon enough, and you don't want the sunlight to find you, do you? That's what I thought, before you distracted me with your entrancing fairy lights in the back of my closet. Silence never felt this loud before. The phone never rings when you want it to, but that's neither here nor there. Wave your tomorrows goodbye, you're going back to yesterday when everything was free. I can't believe I'll never be the same again, it wasn't supposed to change like this. I want to go home, mister, but you've taken my house keys, and there's no other way in. Smash a window with something handy, and tell the cops it was all my fault. My mind is prison, and I guess it's time I went back. Kiss me goodbye, darling, because you're never seeing me again. I've put my heart in a jar that I stuck in my freezer behind the box of corn dogs, which really don't like you, by the way. The sticky notes never look the same when I'm not smiling, maybe because they're on fire? The smoke stings my eyes, but I'm not leaving, I'm the captain of this ship, bitch, and I'm going down in flames.

Scars that no one sees.
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: [No One Mourns The Wicked] from the musical "Wicked"
Topic: confused
I'm so confused when it comes to Bek these days. One part of me is angry that she's doing this, that she's avoiding me so much. She called to invite me to Heather's thing last night. I wasn't planning on going out at all, but then Cait and Tom came and invited me to Lynette's (and since she's leaving so soon, I thought, What the hell?).
Beebo, I miss her. I miss Bek so much, it's like there's a part of me missing. But she'll come back when she wants to. She knows where I am. That I'm always here. I'm keeping my word: I will not seek her out. Which, to me, means that I won't go to Heather's when she's there, or to Mom's. Because she wants her space, and that's what I'm giving her.
But it hurts so fucking bad. So much.
I really wish I knew what was going on. All I know is that she wants nothing to do with me. So until she comes to me, and says that it's all okay or that she's ready to talk or something... we've got to be separate.
My fear: That she's planning on breaking off our friendship. We've been friends for over ten years, and I'm afraid she's going to put it all to an end for reasons I don't understand. Can't even try to understand, because she won't tell me.
FUCK! I wish I could understand this! What's going on? Why? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! ::wants to yank her own hair out::
....
This is hurting me so bad. I've talked to some people about it... but I'm still no closer to understanding. Bek's mom says it's just something she does. I know that. I know she's done this before... but the last time we fought and separated, that was for months... and I was angry right back at her. Now, I'm just hurt, sad, and confused. The anger is one part rage at my own helplessness at this whole thing, and the other part is because I don't understand....
Fuck it. I'm rambling.
....
I miss you, Bek. I wish I could make it better, somehow. But I'll honor your desire to ... keep me separate from whatever is in your head right now. But I'm going to wait for you to come to me. Because that's what you said you wanted. So....
....
There's nothing else I can do. Just wait for you. But the rest of my life has to move forward. I'm still working, still planning. It hurts so bad to not share my latest developments with you. To share my blossoming friendship with Lynette, my work frustrations, my elation towards the dream I've dusted off and am REALLY working towards this time.
....
Bek, I just... I wish you were here. I miss you. Oh, fucking hell. I miss you so bad.
....
Goodnight, anyone. Happy new year.

It would have been easier being stabbed.
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: [build god, then we'll talk] by Panic! at the Disco
Topic: afraid
[edited from its original]

This morning I looked into her eyes. And I saw either what she wanted me to or what was there. And I've had fear in my gut since. She said she'd take pills and find some suicide hotline. I recommended the Nine Line. So if she downs the fucking pills like she said she was thinking of, she'd have a number that's meant to deal with suicidals. 1-800-999-9999. The nine line, the suicide hotline that I had to call back in the day.

I hate myself right now. I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go. I HATE FEELING HELPLESS!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to work tonight and I've got this on my head and I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to fucking do. Can I help her? I don't know, I hope so. Is this just a bipolar thing that'll blow over? I can fucking hope so. But I can't know because I don't live in Bek's head. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Somebody shoot me. Just fucking shoot me.

I don't know, for the fucking life of me, what I should do. I have no fucking clue what the hell I could honestly possibly do that I haven't already done.

She said next week, while I was at work. So I couldn't stop her, talk her out of it, like I would. I fucking would do my best to do so. ::angry laugh:: She told me, Just don't go into the bathroom after work. What the fuck, I mean, gods! It's like she doesn't care anymore. And I don't know what to do. I just don't.

I feel so alone. It's selfish of me, I know. I'm brilliant at being selfish. But I don't know what to do.

::cries inside, fights away the real tears that are prickling away at the back of my eyes::

I just don't know what the fucking hell I'm supposed to do. How could she tell me?! Is this her cry for help from me?! WHAT IS IT! I don't know! I don't know what I should do, we understand what we say to each other is more often than not in confidence, and I don't know the parameters for all of this. What's acceptable, what isn't. I just don't fucking know, and I wish to Beebo I did.

The repeating line in my head: I just don't know what to do.

-Rebecca Ann

Too long too late too sorry I don't think I'm sorry....
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: yellowcard, CITY OF DEVILS
Topic: confused
I never planned my life past 25. I don't plan to start now.

I'm a suicide waiting to happy. I know it and so do you. It's not exactly a problem of WHEN... it's an issue of how. There are too many ways to try and get found anyway.

I don't know if I'll make it to 25. If I'm lucky.. or unlucky, however you look at it.... I'm not sure how, but I don't know if I'll get through the next four years with any ease or grace.

Yes, I'm engaged. Bek's one of the most awesome beings on the planet, so this rocks. But she's not in love with me, and every once in a while it bites me on the ass. I love Bek, but I don't think I'm in love with her either. LOL, and I think we're confusing a lot of people with this. It might be tons easier if we WERE in love with each other, clear up a lot of others questions. But I don't think we could do that, we've been friend for too long to mess something up for (blech) romance or sex. I don't think it'd work that way, lol.

I don't know where I'm going with this.
I'm keeping everything inside my head and behind my lips, and every day, my razorblade slips over my skin and so I bleed, it's what I want it's what I need, so I can feel just a little bit better, at least for now if not forever.

I don't want to feel anymore. Fuck. And mom didn't claim the money I give her on her taxes, so I couldn't get a shrink to save my life. I'm fucked.

Curses at me, all the world gives them, curses at me, what else would I deserve? Curses at me, oh how they love to fling them, curses at me, Lowest Being of this Earth.

Good night?

I wanna give you whatever you need... What is it you need? Is it within me?
Now Playing: The Cure "Us or Them"
Topic: afraid
I don't know if I say this for any real reason but to purge myself of fears...

If all that's between us is sex, I long to say, go sate yourself with someone else. Male, female, as long as you find relief and release.
How important could I be anyway..


Keith's in the room being himself, therefore this shall be cut dramatically short.

Bah.

A Knife In My Throat and a Twist of My Hand....
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: "The Patron Saint of Liars and Fakes" - Fall Out Boy
Topic: empty
I'm only posting this here so I have a copy of it...
Gods, how I'd love to cut myself for this, for my stupidity at not considering he'd be against me on this. Oddly, my biggest fear was Bek's rejection. She says she wants me to be happy and means it. Tyler is so adamant against it, and I've hurt him, though I never meant to. He says he wants me to be happy... with that caustic tone I KNOW is meant to hurt and accuse me...
"There's a blade in my hand, and it's up to my throat, a thrust, a twist, and I dream no more." - me

Anyway, here's what I sent him, in hopes that, somehow, he can still love me despite my horridness and idiocy.

Tyler appears to be offline and will receive your messages after signing in.

You currently appear offline to Tyler.

Sadi: Hello, Toki. I hope you're not mad at me forever. That's actually not how I wanted to start this, but that seems to be how it's flowing. You know I love you. I don't plan to stop, nor want to. But I think we'll be able to get through this, stay strong together. We just have to find a way, find out how we can get past any anger and hurt.
Sadi: I'm sorry I didn't take your feelings into consideration before making my decision. But this is something I have to do, for myself, and - to some degree - I hope you can understand that. Can you tell me what you're afraid of? What makes you so against my decision? I honestly want to know. And I'm so very sorry I hurt you, love. I am. You have no idea how much.
Sadi: I want us to be together. And I hope we can find a way to stay together when I enlist. I want to be with you, you know how much. I don't want this to drive a wedge between us. It might. I'm so fearful that it might, that you could use this to walk away. I'm not accusing. I'm not pushing you into a fight by saying that. I'm just afraid. So fucking scared, and I hate this fear.
Sadi: Please don't let this end us. If it does, I'll find a way to deal, but I'd rather be with you, have you be mine. You are mine, now, and I want you to stay that way. Until you decide otherwise, but I hope you won't.
Sadi: I love you, Tyler. You know that, no matter what else I do, it's still true. I'll try to get a phone card this check, and we'll talk. We'll talk about our fears, and our issues, and stay strong. This is just speed-bump in the trailer park of life. I know we can find a way to handle this.
Sadi: What are you afraid of? What don't you like about me enlisting? What is making you so against what I've chosen? ...just a few of my questions, and I really do want to know.
Sadi: I love you more than my own life. Please don't walk away.
Sadi: Yours, Rebecca Ann

...and she smiles as she stabs herself...
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: the sound of silence that slaps my face
Topic: empty
I hate how I'm feeling.
I feel like shit. I want to do something else.
I don't want to get drunk, I want to bleed.

And I wish Tyler and I were in the same room so we could sort through all these things we're having problemsish with or whatthefuckever.

I sometimes wish I could go back to who I was when I was always alone and had no friends.

To weak now to fight against the current, so let me slip away....
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: "Vindicated" by Dashboard Confessional is on the radio....
Topic: depressed
--To everyone who reads this and cares about me: please realize that this entry has nothing to do with you. It's what I'm feeling now, and what I'm thinking now. So please don't be hurt by it. Don't feel anything about it. Just read it, and don't care...--

I haven't felt this broken in a long time. You know, five minutes ago... I was fine. Close to fine as I get anyway. But then the right words, the right song, the right mindset... and I'm back to here. I want to bleed. I want to cry until I can't breathe. I want to scream, bellow out a song to get everything out of me.

But mostly... I want to run away. I want to go somewhere I don't know anyone, just go someplace new, and build a new life. Away from everything I've ever known, in search of something I doubt I can name right now.

Ireland would be lovely. Japan would be fun, if confusing. Canada would be funny. Mexico would be dusty and hot.

I want to run away to Alaska - a place I've never been, but always wanted to see, and I wouldn't technically be out of the United States, so I'd still have my citizenship. Why not Hawaii, I wonder - but the answer to that is simple - too many people vacation in the warm places, like Hawaii. I'd never have to worry about bumping into someone I know in Alaska. It'd be cold. As cold as my heart. And maybe I'd feel some kind of freedom away from everything I'd ever known and everything that's plagueing my thoughts.

Gods, how I want to cut myself. I would, were my knife sharper. But the fucker's dull, and it's not time to try to sharpen it now. Why give into the weakness? I've been fighting so hard... Why is it my first instinct is to cut, and the second to run away, and only the third to write, or talk it out with someone? Why? Am I really that fucked up? What the hell is wrong with me?!

Then again, I look at these thoughts, and realize why I'm going into therapy.... Gods, I hate this, I hate these feelings... I hate feeling at all sometimes.... Everything hurts... Kills me inside, slowly, so slowly, bit by precious bit...

You know... there was a time, years ago, when it was so easy to go dead inside and not feel. That takes a wee bit of work now, a little anger, and the silence comes over me and nothing touches me. Nothing hurts. I just stop feeling. It's so quiet in my head for that little bit of time, as long as the anger's involved. If not.. I've got the dead-inside feeling, and all the thoughts are slow, like they've been drugged.....

I miss unfeeling, sometimes. It went hand-in-hand with uncaring. Unfeeling and uncaring, two best friends... But I have to be human, I have to feel.... So Unfeeling went into the hospital, it comes in and out of its coma... And Uncaring... shares the bed with Unfeeling, occasionally slipping into deepest sleep as it waits for its friend to come back.... Is there a chance it could ever come back, my Unfeeling? I miss it sometimes, and that in itself is a feeling... fuck...

Is there a point to my ramblings tonight? Is there? Or am I just getting all these thoughts out of my head, so I can feel sane again, just a little bit? Just a LITTLE BIT?!?!? ...sanity hates me just like sleep does.... I'll never be sane, never even be close to normal.... I hate this as much as I cherish it....

Gods.... why does everything have to hurt so much so often?

I'm broken on the inside now... I just want to sleep, but I can't.... I want my thoughts to shut off, and the only way I know to get that is to cut myself for a bit of lasting relief, or burn myself for a quick fix... Gods..... What can I do? What in the name of goodness can I do?

I don't want to talk anymore. I'm too busy trying not to cry. I'll write again at a later date.

(final note to Yasi... if you read this, that is... if you think Tyler should know what was said here... let him read it... copy and paste it into an email, or something.... or let him come here, to my dark place, if you have to... that's up to you....)