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Dr Quinzel!

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    THE PROBLEM:
  • Dear Dr Quinzel,

  • Before I begin, I trust that you will respect my wish to keep this correspondence entirely secret. Everyone in my native city knows that I am a man of upstanding moral rectitude, and if this brief lapse were to be made known it would prove extremely damaging to my reputation. I would therefore like to be assured that this is in the strictest confidence, and that you will not plaster it up on your webpage where everyone in the world may peruse it at their leisure. Thank you.
    Currently I am the Minister of Justice in a well-known European city. Renowned for my dignity and virtue, I considered it my duty to set an example for the rest of the rabble. This was easy enough for me, as no woman had ever proved seductive enough to distract me. Until this morning, when, for the first time in sixty years, a beautiful semi-naked woman sat in my lap and kissed me (on the nose). She later placed herself directly in my path and invited me to sniff at her perfumed hair and touch her soft warm flesh. Now a daemonic image of her mocks and tempts me wherever I turn - I feel her, I see her, and the sun caught in her raven hair is at present blazing in me out of all control.
    What would you recommend I do to alleviate this hideous temptation?
    Righteously yours, 
    "C".

    MY RESPONSE:

  •  Hiya er..."C" hehe

  • Well if yer so aspected how come *I* neva heard of ya? Ah well, I spose I'll take yer word for it! ;) (note to self: grandiosity disorder)
    ANYHOOSIES I'm GLAD ya came to me, cuz as it so happens yer particular problem is one I am well aquainted with! See, all the time I was Mistah J's head shrinker, I felt the terrible temptation to just FLING myself inta his arms and go for it right there on the doctah's couch, ya know?? But I kept saying : I'm his shrink, he's my patient, and I resisted and resisted until I thought *I* would go mad! Can ya believe? ANYWAY my point is, I didn't start to feel myself again until I *GAVE* into these urges! Until I accepted that this was the guy for me and there was no two ways about it!
    So it's what YOU gotta do too! Give in to it!!! Don't you worry about yer reputation, trust me these things never make ya look as bad as ya think, I'm still head shrinkin and I'm with Mistah J, ain't I? YES!
    Hmmm...sounds to me like this chick's playin hard to get. Don't worry - just PURSUE her! Relentlessly! Follow her, tell her how you feel! This way she will realise the depth of your feelings for her!
    But er...I'd do something about yer wardrobe, "C". Long black dresses and lipstick arent' really the kinda thing that get a gal's toes tappin, ok? Oh and lose that hunchbacked henchman what keeps pokin his head round the corner - hunchbacked henchman neva got the girl!
    Dr Quinzel - giving advice thruout time!


    THE PROBLEM: 

  • Help!!!!! you don't know me, but I've got a BIG problem! Ya see, I'm obsesed with the most amazing guy in the world, but I'm not obsesed enough!!!!! I love him all to death, would crawl across broken glass for him, and have put aside the difference of almost 33 years in age between us, but I still feel pethetic and worthless in the presence of his other fans. I watch him when ever i can, read though HUNDEREDS of articals and fan fics and titles at a hint at his persence, but still I feel unworthy!!!! What should I do!!!!! I kiss his name and image when ever it appears, and his voice fills my computer, but it seems not enouph! Should I go on a merderous rampage to show my effection, stalk him, or try to force (hehe force,i melt) my way into his family by trying to get into arelationship with one of his children. Or should I just kiddnap him and rape him?

  • Your the Doc, tell me!!!!
    Oh, and say hi to MrJ for me, can you just ask him to say something, ANYTHING, for me. Thanx.
    Starbuckmh
    P.S. don't get mad, I'm not in love with your puddin', (just that voice....) it's the man behind his voice on the tv show that makes my sun rise and set.

    MY ANSWER: 

  • Well, ta begin with, this sounded like a prob I would have no prob helpin ya out with! (even tho *my* Puddin is the most amazing awesme guy in the world!). Anyhoo, like I said - I thought - ya know, I've been here, I'll be able to help this chicky out NO worries.

  • Then I read yer PS!!
    SayWHAT? Voice "behind" my Puddin?? Eh? Whatchoo think my Puddin ain't real and someone else does his voice for him or somethin? What is this hooey? Tv show? EH??? Yer makin me feel Canadian here, girly! Look, you obviously have some serious dillusional issues here. I suggest a labotomoy.
    Dr Quinn - don't use big words.


    THE PROBLEM:

  •  dearest dr. quinzel, 

  • ok here goes. do you know the insane clown posse- shaggy 2 dope and violent j? i figured, hey, you're all psycho-killa clowns, you must be aquainted. well anyway, i was obsessed with shaggs for years. i thought he was the most wonderful, sexy, funny, creative guy in the world and i would do anything for him. (i figured you could relate to that) he finally realized how much i care about him and we hooked up about 5 months ago. he was finally MINE...............until he cheated on me. i don't want to kill him. in fact i forgave him. i mean he could've had that 12 year old slut but he chose ME! he MUST love me! i mean he says he loves me, he's just not IN-love with me....
    and then there's j. he's the brains behind the icp and as far as my standards go, he's almost as perfect as my clown-luv, shaggy. i always knew he had a thing for me too, but just recently, he decided he couldn't take it anymore and he poured his heart out to me how much he loves me. now he's completely obsessed with ME-he calls me everyday and comes to visit me allllll the time. he's always telling me he loves me and he does sweet things for and says sweet things to me and treats me better than my clown-luv does. i always loved him, i'm just not IN-luv with him! *sigh* they both know what's going on and now they expect me to chose between them! j loves me as much as i wish shaggy does-how can i chose?! what should i do? much clown luv,
    juggalita

    MY ANSWER:

  • Dearest Jugs (hehehehe)

  • First off, you HAVE to be true to yer heart. Ya gotta be with the man that ya really truly honestly love. I KNOWS he cheated on ya, but true love prevails!!!! It don't mean he doesn't love ya - he was TESTING YOUR loyalty!!!! Now ya have to prove that ya love him, and this other fella probably ain't making him feel so secure, ya know? AND he's the tricky thing - they always treats ya nice until they got ya - and then it just goes down to forgettin yer anniversary and not calling when they said they would - so in the end, it's just the best to be true to yer heart! :)
    As for the other fella - ooh - there's a doozy. I had this problem ya know - with that lame brain try hard Creeper - they just don't get that NO MEANS NO!!! Ok - try and splain to him that you just don't love him like that, and then if he persists, drop a piano on his head!
    Dr Quinzel - of course I have a degree!


    THE PROBLEM: 

  • Hi ya nice lady ma'am. Hope your enjoying your stay in grubby ol' Arkham, I'm tryin' to find away into the place! See, thats my problem, I justdon't seem to have what it takes to make it in this 2-bat 1-bird 1-whatever-the-who-nightwing-is town. I've done the normal: I'm my own self made psychopath with all the trimmin's. Yes I sorta copied your idea, but I have no intention of dirtin' you name or you image, or trying to take you man, not that me and every other girl in Gothem doesn't want him but.... we're not stupid, though some are crazy........nevermind, I'm off the subject. I've tryed robbin' banks and jewelry stores, the murderin' and the beatin', but I'm gettin' no where. Maybe if I try settin' fire to batsy's cape.....

  • Well, oh mistress of mayhem, oh diva of disaster, how can I start gettin' some attention around this place!! All I want is a padded cell to call my own, and a rap sheet, and my own lil' saringe of lithium, and a puppy, YEAH A PUPPY!!! eep, to much candy.
    So, divine Miss Q., if you could offer some ideas to speed my accent into thoughs hallowed walls, I'd be foreva' greatfull!! :)
    from a davoted Harleyite,
    Helquin };P

    MY ANSWER:

  •  Oy newbies! Yeesh! HONEY! Ya wanna get in here - ya wanna get famous - ya wanna get yer picture in the paper - YA GOTTA GET CAUGHT!! Duh-uh! Lookin forward to seein ya down the hall in Arkham!

  • Harls the Doc Quinn - Good fer what ails ya!


    THE PROBLEM: 

  • I am obsessed with this hot Eurpean guy. Problem is, he's older than me, is sort of a wanderer, has tons of girlfriends other than me, lives in medieval France, and if I ever get near him, he'll hang me! I've heard that a friend of yours, Herlikin, has the same problem, so maybe you could help me, too? ;) 

  •  

     
     
     

    MY ANSWER:

  • Well, ACKSHULLY honey pie, my good buddy Herlikin has NO problems with this medieval dude - who we all know is CLOPIN (yum - don't tell Mistah J) begin faithful to her - ya see - ya ever heard of "alternate universes"? Ya see, in Herli and Clopin's universe, they're married, they have kids, they have a great life together and Clopins' left his wandring bachelor days behind him! (oh for Mistah J and me to do that *jealous*) Have a look.So ya just gotta find YOUR universe - it'll take a bit of dimension hoppin, but you'll get there. Course, Herli was luckycos she was born in her universe with Clopin, but ya shouldn't have too much trouble settling down and preparing to seduce and entice that Universe's Clopin to be yer own - of course the only problem with that is when all the gals from the various 'verses get together they're all convinced that THEIR Clopin is the "REAL" Clopin and all the others are phonies - Course me and Herli know HER Clopin is the real original one - but what can ya do? The delusional will delude themselves! *shrugs*

  • Dr Quinzel - ba ba baaaaaaaaaaaaa (cool, huh? My own fanfare!)


DR QUINZEL - CONTINUED!

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