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(Jessie's note: For some odd reason this is my fave song on Dirt! I honestly don't know why that is.)

Let me tell you a story about Scary Ned

Scariest guy to ever wet a bed

He had hands on his arms

And eyes on his head

But they weren't his

He'd go down to the market

And try to scare the fish

He said that they bothered him

They weren't his favourite dish

Then he'd go down to the highway

And pretend that he was dead

That was just the way he was

Creepy, Scary Ned

Oooooohhh, oooooohh, Scary Ned.

Ned loved Hallowe'en

Cuz he didn't need a mask

He'd steal the children's candy

And he didn't even ask

He'd sit right down in front of them

And then start to eat

And tell them they were better off

That stuff can rot your teeth

Ooooooohhh, oooooooohh, Scary Ned.

A strange glow would come

From his place late into the night

He'd watch TV 'til the dawn

And you know that that ain't right

And if he started to get tired he'd

Put sauerkraut on his head

That's just the kind of guy he was

Good old Scary Ned

Ooooooohhh, ooooooohh, Scary Ned.

He had a face his mother

Didn't even love

When people saw him on the street

They often said, "uuughh"

And sometimes late at night

He'd walk alone

He'd be reciting stuff

Bad sounding stuff

Icky awful stuff

But when you got to know him

He weren't so bad.

Oooooohhh, oooooohh Scary Ned.