13 March 2003

Florida State’s Football Team Sets New Standard by Recruiting Players Directly Out of Prison

In a landmark decision in college football recruiting, Florida State has begun to recruit players directly out of prison.  Florida State coach Bobby Bowden has authorized recruiters to go to prisons around the country in search of the kind of football talent that has made Florida State a perennial winner.  “I really don’t see what all the fuss is about,” Bowden said in a telephone interview with The Liberty Cabbage, “We’ve been recruiting criminals for years, just not directly out of jail, and nobody said anything about it before.”  The news of the recruiting visits comes soon after former Florida State quarterback, Adrian McPhearson, admitted to betting on games and shaving points.  “Heck, I don’t think I would even know how to coach players who aren’t criminals.  I’ve been coaching them for so long,” Bowden chuckled.  “We feel that recruiting players out of jail will offer them a unique second chance at being good people by instilling in them discipline, respect, honor, and commitment.”  Bowden then laughed loudly and said “Woo!  I had you going for a minute there; no all we want to do is win at any cost.”  Following Florida State’s cue, other college programs such as Florida, Miami, and UCLA have all sent recruiters to prisons hoping to recruit the best of the worst.