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Witch's Faith
Faith was speechless as Buffy stepped inside the shower and stood, arms at her sides, barely touching her. Buffy's eyes had closed, and her thoughts and emotions were in turmoil. The Slayer took a deep breath, put her arms tentatively around Faith's waist, and then suddenly pulled Faith close, pressing their warm, naked bodies together.
"Oh, Buffy..." whispered Faith.
"Don't speak," said Buffy. Faith complied. She would do this any way that Buffy needed. Buffy just held her, head on Faith's shoulder, hot water striking her back and neck. Faith returned the embrace, trying to slow time and memorize every detail of this simple moment. The water running down Buffy's shoulders, her breasts pressed into Faith's, the tantalizing contact between abdomens and thighs, the breath on Faith's neck, even Buffy's foot resting alongside her own.
At some point, Buffy's hands began to move, slowly, exploring the unfamiliar territory of another woman's body. Faith felt the Slayer's touch climb to her neck, her ears, slowly down her sides, and around to cup her buttocks. Faith mirrored this touch, nearly paralyzed by the dizzying emotions that were rising within her. She moved her head back to look into Buffy's eyes, but they were still closed. She just studied Buffy's eyelids, her lips, her nose, her lovely wet hair. Slowly, Buffy's eyes opened and looked into Faith's. They displayed deep anxiety and complete need. Faith leaned forward to kiss the woman she loved.
Buffy turned her head away before Faith's lips found hers. Faith told herself again to do this any way that Buffy needed. But still she felt a lump in her throat at this rejection. Somehow, a simple kiss was the one act she most wanted from Buffy.
Buffy pulled away and lifted her hands to cup Faith's breasts. The feel of Faith's nipples on her palms was so strange, and yet so right. She did not look Faith in the eyes anymore, but looked at Faith's perfect body instead. She ran her fingertips over the slight scars of their past. A knife in the stomach. An arrow near the heart. She bent low and pushed Faith gently back to the shower wall, kissing the scar on the Slayer's breast. Then the nipple, very lightly.
Buffy straightened, and Faith followed her lead again, sliding lower down the wall and pulling Buffy forward to kiss the blonde Slayer's breasts.
Then something subtle shifted inside of Faith, and joy began to turn to fear. Buffy was pressing forward, and her breasts seemed to be smothering Faith. At the same time, Buffy's hips pressed against Faith's stomach, her legs clamped around Faiths own hips in a way that made Faith feel like an animal in a trap. Buffy's hands on the shower wall beside her only increased this claustrophobic sensation. She knew at any moment she would either scream or begin to fight, acting on instincts she could not control. She remembered slamming Willow to the wall for trying to lie on top and envelop her. Every muscle in her body screamed to do the same to Buffy. Or try.
Faith fought the reflex with all her will, but Buffy's body pressed Faith into the wall harder still. Faith felt as though she were in mortal danger on one level, while on another level she felt utterly protected from any harm. She took a deep, shuddering breath. She needed air, but the hot steam made her feel as though she were drowning. She jerked sideways, and her wet skin slid easily in that direction. She gasped with relief, her head and one shoulder freed. She had an escape route. She would concentrate on that and she would be all right.
Faith slipped back into place, licking Buffy's breasts and stomach. Buffy pressed forward quite hard at times, and Faith felt compelled to keep testing that she could move freely to the side. She could, and so she fought down the urge to escape from this trap. If this was Buffy's idea of "take me" then Faith didn't want to see how she made love when she was feeling more assertive!
It was awkward holding herself up like this, so Faith slid down to sit on the shower floor. This placed Faith's face exactly where they both wanted it. Faith caressed Buffy's thighs and buttocks and nuzzled the wrinkled flesh that was beginning to emerge from its hiding place between Buffy's legs. Buffy was in a state beyond rational thought, but she knew that this was the moment her body needed. She spread her thighs a little wider. This movement reminded Faith that now Buffy's knees were alongside her ribs, and she could not move to the side. At the same time, Buffy pressed her sex hard into Faith's face. Panic bubbled up again, but instinctively Faith slipped downward to escape. It wasn't difficult. She could slip out between Buffy's legs if she needed to. Faith forced herself to relax again, and slid back up to kiss the cleft of Buffy's lips. She let her tongue find the bottom of Buffy's slit, and circle there tenderly. Then she licked slowly up the right side, feeling the wrinkles of Buffy's lip gliding past. Down the left, just as slowly. Then, with a ragged breath, she licked up between Buffy's lips, tasting the intimate juices hidden inside of the Slayer. Buffy gasped.
When Faith's tongue, at long last, worked its way to Buffy's clitoris, the Slayer's manner changed. Buffy became suddenly even more aggressive and desperate. Instead of simply pinning Faith to the wall with her hips, she began to bounce up and down slowly, grinding herself against Faith's mouth and nose. Faith tried to follow Buffy's moving genitals with her tongue, but soon she was using all her concentration not to scream. Buffy was pressing hard, and Faith had the sensation of being trapped again. She tried to slip downward and couldn't! She tried to kick, to shove Buffy away with her arms, but the Slayer was too strong, and oblivious to anything but the sweet agony spreading through her body. Buffy forced her sticky sex against Faith's mouth, stifling her breath. Faith screamed in rage and terror, but almost no sound came out. Buffy screamed too, equally silently, shudders shaking her entire body as she experienced her first lesbian orgasm.
Unaware of Faith's plight, Buffy stepped back just in time to save herself from being scratched or bitten by Faith. Faith's rapid breathing mirrored her own and she thought nothing of it. Buffy opened the sliding door and stepped out to begin toweling herself off. She still had not looked Faith in the eye since the failed kiss. She still did not say a word. She blow-dried her hair and then wrapped her towel around herself and left without looking back.
Faith felt another lump in her throat. She still needed to come, but that apparently didn't matter to Buffy. She started to finger herself, just to free herself of her need, not because it actually felt very good. But for the first time in her life she found herself unable to come. She gave up and left the shower to dry her hair. Every movement seemed to reverberate through her genitals. Having brought herself to the edge, her body would neither let her cross it nor back away. She put on her robe and went to find her vibrator. Buffy's door was open, and as Faith walked past, she was pulled gently inside by the naked Slayer. Buffy removed Faith's robe and then leaned forward to pick Faith up in her in her arms–a surprising gesture but not a frightening one–and laid Faith on her bed. Then she climbed in herself, spooning her naked body around Faith's in the position that felt so right to her. She still had not looked at Faith, and now, facing the back of Faith's head, she didn't have to. Buffy pulled the covers over them and squeezed Faith to herself. Faith shook suddenly, with a strained whimper. Buffy chose not to notice Faith's long-awaited orgasm.
"Buffy... I love you." A long silence followed.
"Good night, Faith."
Buffy and Faith emerged in the morning, wearing robes, at the same moment Willow came out of the bathroom. Willow covered her smile with her hand, but her eyes beamed.
"Willow," sighed Buffy, "Faith slept in my room. Slept. That's all." She looked at Faith for support, and Faith obligingly nodded. Buffy hadn't lied exactly. Willow's face fell. There was a certain sadness in Faith's eyes, perhaps, but she could have sworn she knew the look Buffy was wearing. The unmistakable satisfied glow the Slayer exuded after sex.
After breakfast, when Willow and Tara had gone ahead with a disguised Dawn to the Magic Box, Buffy and Faith had the talk Faith had been dreading all morning.
Buffy reached across the table and took Faith's hand. A tear appeared in the corner of Faith's eye even before Buffy spoke. "Faith. I'm so sorry for last night. I don't think we can do that any more. It meant something to you that it didn't mean to me."
"How can you say that? It was just sex to you? What about cuddling all night?"
"It was more than just sex. It was closeness, and loneliness, and... a lot of things. But it was very selfish and very wrong of me. It was something that came over me after slaying–and... it was amazing–but it was amazing in a hot, animal, do-me-in-the-shower kinda way, not in a together-forever-raise-some-kids kinda way. Does that make any sense?"
"Slow down, B! It's a little early to start talking kids! I'd be a crappy mother anyhow."
Buffy tipped her head. "You would be a wonderful mother... That's not the point. The point is, I don't know what came over me but I should have controlled myself. I'm sorry. I don't love you. But you are as good a friend as I have ever had, and I couldn't bear to lose you." Buffy took Faith's other hand. "I really am flattered by what you said. It was very sweet. Someone will be lucky to have you, but it can't be me. You shouldn't waste your time and your feelings on me."
"You can't really think I'm going to give up now," Faith objected, her voice breaking.
"Now is when you have to give it up. Really, Faith. We would both get hurt, you most of all. And even if your feelings weren't at risk... it's not something I want to repeat. I'm uncomfortable with last night on so many levels I can't even tell you. But I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at myself." Buffy's own eyes began to water. "I think we shouldn't hang out together all the time any more. It's confusing for both of us. If you want to go back to your place, I'll understand. It might be the best thing for now."
"So let's take it slow, Buffy," Faith pleaded, "I mean, so what if you don't love me yet. That's OK. I was convinced I didn't love you either until yesterday. Let's just date, and be together, and... see what happens..."
"I'm sorry Faith. I don't want to be with you that way ever again. Please don't hate me."
Buffy trained separately from Faith that day. Mrs. Betts had some exercises planned for Faith anyway. Buffy vented her frustration and regret on a punching bag for hours without feeling any better. Eventually Dawn approached.
"You OK, Buffy?"
"No."
"Is it about you and Faith?"
Buffy stopped and looked at her sister. "What do you know about that?"
Dawn shrugged. "Nothing, I just... I wish you two would get together, you just have to!"
"Why do you say that? I'm not gay, Dawn. It just can't work." Buffy wondered briefly if Willow had put her sister up to this, but the girl was clearly sincere.
Dawn shrugged sadly. "I thought you loved her."
Buffy took her sister into her arms. This was hurting too many people. She was more sure than ever that she and Faith needed to spend some time apart.
"Can I go start dinner?"
"You really want to?" asked Buffy.
"Yeah, Tara can take me home. I know you don't like everything I make. But this will be good!"
"That would be great, Dawnie. We all love seeing what you come up with. Don't forget your disguise!"
Tara drove away with a bearded Dawn, playing the role of a visiting second cousin. A pickup truck followed them at a distance. The driver wore a hood, but had anyone bothered to look, the bulges of demon horns were visible.
Willow was the next to approach Buffy. The Slayer was doing stretches against the wall.
"Willow, before you start, I've already had a talk with Faith. I know how hard this is getting for her, and we're going to get some distance from each other. I think she should move out."
Willow looked more afraid than disappointed. She was hoping she wouldn't have to go through with this, but it looked like she would. She hoped she was doing the right thing. She hoped Tara would understand.
"Buffy, come and sit down." The witch's tone filled the Slayer with icy fear.
"What is it? Is it Dawn?"
"Dawn is fine. There's something else I have to tell you. About you and Faith. I've known for a long time and I think you should know too. Tara and Mrs. Betts don't know I'm telling you."
"Mrs. Betts knows? What is it, Willow? What's wrong?!"
Willow told Buffy about the Slayer's Oracle, breaking into sobs halfway through.
Buffy sat on the bench beside Willow, her head in her hands, not speaking. Suddenly just being alive was too terrifying to bear. It was the way she had felt when her mother had cancer. Only she didn't know whether she would die, or Faith. "Please let it be me..." she whispered.
Willow hugged Buffy, crying.
"I don't want Faith to know," said Buffy hoarsely.
"All right."
"Why did you tell me?" There was no accusation in her voice, only fear and hopelessness. She ran her hand comfortingly through the crying witch's hair, but she was far beyond tears herself.
"Because, Buffy, if there's even a little part of you that wants to give Faith a chance, you need to get over whatever is stopping you. If not, I don't want you to make a mistake that will get people hurt. But if you could be happy together... you may not have much time left."
Buffy tried to see deep inside herself and know what was the right thing to do. But necessity did not make that any more possible now than before. She wanted things to be right between her and Faith no matter how long their friendship would last. She could give in to the novelty of physical sex with her friend, and perhaps it could be done in a way that was gentle on Faith's feelings. Or she could insist on some distance between them, preserving a wonderful friendship.
Buffy decided that her gut reaction was the best course. Faith must move out, and their mistake together could not be repeated. But she would still spend time with the Slayer, and Faith's happiness would be all she thought of. Perhaps Willow was Faith's only chance at love. But not her only chance at happiness. Buffy would see to that.
Faith returned home after dinner. She had been practicing falls, jumps and landings with Mrs. Betts in an abandoned quarry, and had eaten dinner with her Watcher on the way back. There was tremendous mutual distrust between her and the older woman, but a begrudging respect was also growing. Now, the thought of facing Buffy was more tiring than any physical challenge. Buffy wanted her to move out, and Faith wanted Buffy to be someone she was not.
There was a note in the kitchen. "Tara and I went to a movie. Dawn." Like Buffy, Faith barely glanced at it and did not notice that the printing wasn't Dawn's.
Faith went to throw her weapons into her closet. The closet was empty. Faith suddenly started to cry. She opened her other closet... empty. Faith was furious. Buffy had already moved her things back to her basement apartment, and Faith would have no say in the matter.
Faith climbed the stairs to look for Buffy, angry and afraid and deeply hurt. How could Buffy do this?
"Buffy!" Faith began, but she didn't know how to finish, so she just glared at Buffy angrily and stood crying in the Slayer's doorway.
Buffy rose and led Faith to sit beside her on the bed. "Faith, I've moved your things. I want things to be very different between us... I hope you can forgive me... This is just very hard for me to deal with." Faith cried even harder, and Buffy found herself crying as well. "I've thought about this all day. I don't love you, and I don't know if I ever could. But if we take it slow, and if you help me out... I want you to be my first girlfriend. If it's too hard for you, you have to tell me." Faith did not respond, and Buffy became nervous. "Here," she said, getting up but still crying, "I'll show you where I've put your things. This dresser is yours, and I've made some room in the closet. You can put some things back out in the other closet if you want, and I'm going to get some more of my stuff out of here..." she was babbling and crying all at once. "Please, Faith, please say you'll stay!"
Faith ran to Buffy and put her arms around her. "I'll stay, Buffy! We'll take it as slow as you want... I'm so happy, Buffy! I love you so much!"
"Thank you, Faith. That means a lot to me."
Faith moved to kiss Buffy, but again Buffy turned away. "You can kiss me, Buffy... it wouldn't mean you love me..."
"Yes, Faith... To me it would. I wouldn't feel right doing that. I hope someday I can. But I will do anything else with you, and I won't be so selfish this time, I promise! I want to make you happy, little Faith."
Faith's only answer was to squeeze Buffy tighter and shed tears of joy on the Slayer's shoulder.
Buffy's heart held so much hope for the future... and so much fear. Please let it be me who dies, she thought again. But not yet. Please not yet!
With all that had happened today, Buffy had nearly forgotten about the disturbing photo and note from Elise that she had found when moving Faith's things.
Continue to Episode 24 – Possession.
Buffy lay Faith gently back against a pillow and slid on top of her before Faith could react. "Buffy! Get off!" said Faith in an oddly strained voice, willing her body to be still and her panic to stay under control. Buffy rolled away, hurt and confused, her eyes baginning to tear. "What did I do?"
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