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Buffy approached the hospital desk, scowling. "Shouldn't have come," she muttered to herself.

"Miss? Can I help you?" The man at the desk looked at her with obvious disdain.

Doubtful, thought Buffy. She sighed. "I'm here to see..." she held out a crumpled piece of paper. "Faith Genovese." She crossed her arms unconsciously to hide the needle tracks.

The man pointed to a nearby open door. "Right in there." He glanced at the paper again. "And you're late," he added.

"Cry me a river." Buffy trudged across the waiting room, tossing her long dark hair nervously.

"Have a seat," said the woman in the bare, brightly-lit office. Middle-aged, her blonde ponytail turning silver. "She's lovely isn't she?" the woman said, smiling at the plastic basket on a cart beside the desk.

"Shit, what's that doing here? I am so out of here!" Buffy didn't bother looking in the basket, but she heard the thing inside gurgle.

"Caroline... wait a moment."

Caroline? Buffy wondered for a moment. Oh, right. That's the name she'd given them last week. "Talk fast."

"The doctors say you're healthy enough to–"

"–to kick my uninsured ass back out on the street. I get it."

"I know things can be hard sometimes, Caroline. Were you thinking of leaving your baby behind?"

"Who are we kidding? That's why you wanted to see me, I'm guessing."

"Yes, it is. Caroline, there is help for people in your situation."

"Pat on the back help, or money help?" Buffy was all ears now.

"I think you may need more than financial help to raise this child, but there are programs–"

"Give me numbers."

"It's not for me to say, I'm really only here to help put you in touch with–"

"You want me to walk out of this hospital with that baby, tell me what I can get. Ballpark."

Hesitantly, the woman gave Buffy her best guess.

"Shit," said Buffy, "it can't cost that much to feed a rugrat!"

"Actually, raising a child is more of a commitment than you may–"

But Buffy was already on her feet, grabbing the basket with hardly a glance at the tiny, hairless infant inside. "I'm her mom. I'm ready for it. How do I get the cash?"

The woman sighed. "I can help you with the paperwork. What is the child's name?" She pointed to a blank line on a clipboard.

"Name?" Buffy sneered, "What the fuck I want to name it for?"

The woman stared at Buffy like she was a monster. It made Buffy very angry. "What's your name?" she asked.

"Faith Genovese," said the woman, frowning. Caught off guard.

"Right, Faith." Buffy grabbed the clipboard roughly and wrote her daughter's name. "I'll call the thing Faith. Aren't you flattered?" She filled out the rest of the form, lying about several questions, and signed with the latest of many fake names. Caroline Harding. Boston, Massachusetts.

The two-day-old baby began to cry at her mother's angry movement.

Ms. Genovese was distressed. "Ms. Harding, are you sure you're fully recovered? Perhaps–"

"Like they'd really let me stay," sneered Buffy, blowing her brown hair out of her face.

"You're feeling well enough to take her home?"

"Five by five."

The woman tried to say something more, but Buffy and her child were already gone.

Waiting at the bus stop outside, Buffy avoided looking in the basket. But the little girl cried louder and louder. Eventually Buffy leaned over, irritated. The baby fell silent. Jesus, babies are nasty little things, thought Buffy. She didn't even notice the hint of a smile on Faith's face.

One tiny hand closed around Buffy's finger. Too young to even focus on Buffy's face, the newborn infant smiled wider and made a sound that was surprisingly clear.

"B!"

Buffy awoke in a cold sweat.

 

---

 

The dream still haunted Buffy the following evening as she helped her mother set out plates for supper.

"Think you can come help me at the gallery after supper?" asked Joyce. "You still haven't seen my new setup!"

Buffy said nothing.

"I mean, if you don't have plans... Were you going to the Bronze again or something? I figured you've been out with the gang every night for a week..."

Buffy hesitated. "Yeah. The Bronze again. I hate to disappoint Willow... Everyone's sure getting into the whole post-high-school revelry thing! Do you have really heavy stuff to move or something?"

Joyce shrugged. "Nothing heavy came in, just a lot of stuff. It never rains but it pours!"

Buffy felt guilty. "If you want I can–"

"No, honey, you go celebrate with your friends. You've all earned it. And I don't just mean the diplomas! I'll be fine at the gallery, the new stuff doesn't have to be out for another couple weeks anyway. You have your fun, I'll have mine!"

"Fun," repeated Buffy quietly.

Xander arrived, Willow and Oz trailing behind.

"I come bearing food! Greasy food!" Xander set down a bag from the Doublemeat Palace.

"A catered meal in my own home, what a treat," smiled Joyce. Xander and Willow passed out the food, and everyone attacked their burgers and fries.

Everyone except Buffy, who was silent and distant, poking french fries into the top of her sandwich one by one and staring at her creation.

"Very creative," said her mother. "Have you thought about eating it?"

"Not in a real eaty place today I guess."

"Or yesterday or the day before... is something wrong?"

She shrugged. Then, deciding her mom expected an answer, "Just, you know... weird being out of school for good."

Willow grinned. "Not for good! Before you know it, we register at UC Sunnydale!"

"Not I," said Xander. "While the rest of you masochists extend school for as long as you possibly can, I embark tomorrow on the Great American Road Trip!"

"We masochists," said Oz, "still get to enjoy the Great American Summer Vacation."

But Buffy was slumped in her chair, lost in her own thoughts. Her mind was not on summer fun.

After Joyce left for work, Willow told Oz and Xander to go on without her. She put a hand on Buffy's arm. "Hey. Every day, the School from Hell smolders a little less, the weather's a little nicer, and you're a little gloomier. Want to talk about it?"

Buffy smiled weakly but shook her head No.

"Come on, I turned down Oxford to stay with my best friend. I get special Best Friend Privileges! Are you worried about Giles being out of a job? 'Cause I'm sure he'll do just fine. It's time for him to buck up. At least... I hope that's what he said."

Buffy sighed. "It's not Giles, it's Faith."

"Oh. That still." Willow hesitated. "I don't want to be a broken record, but... she's the villain. You did what you had–"

"I'm still having dreams."

Willow looked sympathetic. "The bad kind?"

"They weren't so bad at first. Just weird. Little Miss Muffet this, Little Miss Muffet that. Faith and me moving a bed into the spare room and setting the clock to 7:30. Nonsense really. But... kinda peaceful. At least the weird ones weren't nightmares. They were more like Faith forgave me, and I forgave her. But this dream last night..."

"Not so peaceful?"

"No. It was awful. And it wasn't all David Lynch this time. It made a weird kind of sense. And it felt so real..." Buffy shuddered slightly.

"Must have been some nightmare."

"I was Faith's mother."

"Her... mother? And you say the dreams aren't weird anymore?"

"Weird, but not Little Miss Muffet weird. I didn't even look like me, or sound like me... but every detail was so clear. Faith was a baby... so helpless..."

Willow hugged her friend. "Buffy, I'm worried about you. You need to stop obsessing about what happened with Faith."

"I wish I could. Fighting the Mayor gave me something to focus on. I guess I'm running out of distractions. I can't hide the truth from myself anymore. And you know something?" she added quietly, "I don't think I should be allowed to."

"Buffy..."

"I'm serious, Willow. I think if someone does what I did, they shouldn't be allowed to forget."

Willow held Buffy's eyes, willing her to understand. "The truth, Buffy, is simple. You did what you had to do, because you're strong and you're good–unlike Faith. And you're the Slayer. You did what you had to do to save us all! You did what you had to for love. For Angel."

Tears welled up in Buffy's eyes. She mouthed the word "No," but no sound came out.

"Oh, Buffy... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up Angel."

Buffy shook her head. Willow didn't understand. She clenched her jaw to keep herself from flat out crying. "I didn't kill Faith out of love."

"You didn't kill Faith at all, Buffy."

"But I did. The doctors say she won't ever wake up. A lot of her brain is damaged... and a lot of other stuff too..."

"She made her choices."

"So did I."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I killed her out of hate!" Buffy broke down weeping.

"You didn't hate her! She was evil and she needed to be stopped!"

"But I did hate her. Believe me, I still do. Willow, I still hate her. And that's why I wanted her dead! That's the only reason. The Mayor was the real threat, not Faith."

"And she chose to go to him, Buffy! She tried to torture you, and she tried to kill Angel! You needed her blood because of what she did to hurt you and Angel!"

"Yeah. She's evil all right. I'm there, believe me. So evil it hurts to even imagine being her. And you know what? She was right all along... in the end I did become her!"

"You could never become like her!"

"But I did. And she saw it in me all along! I know the evil that's in me now. I'll never forget it's there now. I hate myself for it. And I hate her for it."

"You think you should have just let Angel die?"

Buffy looked at Willow. "Do you all really not see it? Are all of you just pretending? Because I can't pretend! I didn't murder Faith to save Angel, I murdered Faith to murder Faith! That's the truth and I can't take it back! That's who I am!" Buffy was sobbing now.

"You had to–"

"I had to have a Slayer's blood, I didn't have to have hers! I didn't get hers! I gave Angel my blood, and it didn't kill me! Why didn't I do that to begin with? I could have gotten you all to help, I could have done it at the hospital... it didn't even have to be dangerous! And that would have been love... giving Angel my blood. It would have helped Angel sooner, Will! I went about it the hard way and risked Angel's life because I wanted to have to kill Faith!"

Horrified at what she was hearing, Willow grasped at straws, trying to find a way out for Buffy. "You couldn't risk being weakened, not with–"

"But I did! In the end I did risk it! And I'm a Slayer! I was fine the next day. And so what if it should have been Faith's blood? I could have knocked her out! I snuck into her place, right behind her, I could have done it! Knocked her out, fed her to Angel, then let her recover locked up the way she should be. Maybe Giles could have done something for her, like we planned all along. I didn't have to kill her!" Buffy's anger at herself was turned against Willow, drying up her tears.

Willow argued back. "That's just how the fight ended, Buffy. You know she was out for blood too. She almost killed Xander and me and Angel! So she fought to the death. Her choice."

"That's not how it ended, it's how I started it. I planned to kill her. I dressed like her to get ready for it! You know I did. That's the truth. That's what I have to live with. And I can't even stop hating her now. I think... I think I hate her more than ever."

Willow could think of nothing to say to make what Buffy did right. In her heart she felt Buffy was good, deserved to be cut some slack. But on some level it was true... they were all pretending Buffy hadn't done what she had. Not thinking about it. Moving on, even though it seemed like Buffy couldn't.

But Faith's wrongs were so much greater! Buffy was so good and brave, and being the Slayer brought her so much suffering... Willow would not accept that Buffy deserved this guilt. She held Buffy close. "I hate her too. It's over and I want to forgive her. But I can't. She betrayed us all and she liked it. You never became her. You're nothing like that."

Buffy was silent. Nobody would be able to understand. And nobody would be able to make this go away. She wished she hadn't even said anything. Saying something out loud was supposed to be a relief, right? But it hadn't helped.

Willow forced a smile and brushed a tear from Buffy's cheek. "Hey. Oz and I are going to the Bronze again tonight. Graduation was a week ago and you still haven't gone out to celebrate with us! You'll come this time, won't you? Take your mind off ancient history?"

Buffy forced one back. "Sounds nice. But speaking of ancient history, I gotta help Mom at the gallery tonight. Again, can you believe it? Bunch more really heavy stuff came in. All has to be unpacked for tomorrow. What did she do before she found out I had super strength?"

Willow sighed. "OK. But you can't work every night. Some time you have to play!"

Buffy faked a better smile this time. "I'll take a raincheck. Promise. Now you go catch up with Oz."

Willow squeezed Buffy's arm. "OK. I hate to leave him alone too long there, I get jealous somehow. You've seen how many hot girls are always there!"

Buffy smiled. "I noticed. Better get over there! And I better get to the gallery."

After Willow left, Buffy waited five minutes.

And then she went to the hospital.

 

~ Continue to Chapter 2: Nobody Cares ~

 

I always appreciate comments in my Guestbook and email. If you'd like to be notified when I post new chapters and stories, let me know.

If you have enjoyed this story, try I Have Never Been to Boston. Dawn sets out to say goodbye to someone she loves–but who she knows never even existed!

 

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