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We're doomed to have this same conversation over and over until the end of time.

She's beyond stubborn. Now she's going on about Angel again, and it's pissing me off!

Sigh! I try–once again–to persuade her. Yes, Faith tried to kill Angel–slowly and painfully–just to distract me for the Mayor. Blah, blah, blah. Does Willow think I've forgotten? But Angel was the first one to realize she's not really like that! If he can forgive her, then Willow ought to at least hear her out!

But Faith was too evil, too heartless, and Willow can't see anything else. I can understand that, I suppose, but I can't understand her not trusting me when I say Faith deserves at least another chance. Just a chance, that's all I'm asking. Just visit Faith one time.

"I can't do it, Buffy! Do you know I stayed up all night worrying, the time you didn't come back from seeing her? I just know she's going to do something awful!"

My temper is officially lost. Quietly I remark, "Willow, I hope you never have to realize you've done something evil. I hope you never have to ask for forgiveness."

Her mouth drops open slowly and tears well up. Damn it. That was just cruel. She's in hell wanting Tara back, and she knows what she did to Tara's mind was evil.

"I'm sorry, Willow." Hug. Crying on my shoulder. "I know she still loves you. She just needs time."

We don't speak for a while, but eventually it looks like my blunt remark has softened her a little. "OK, Buffy. I'll go to see her. But not now. I'm not ready to face her. I will see her some time and I will try to be fair."

That's all I can ask, I guess.

"But I still worry about you, Buffy. I just don't see her changing all that much."

She didn't change! She's always been a good person. She fell apart for a while, that's all. Willow's eyes glaze over hearing me go on about the same stuff for the millionth time.

I stop in mid-sentence. I need her to understand and she won't! I need her to understand. More now than before. Heart's pounding all of a sudden. "Willow..." Voice cracking. Suddenly I need to let it all out.

"Buffy? What is it? What's wrong?"

I open my mouth but I can't speak. Weird. I've been over it in my mind a thousand times–almost getting used to it–but it's not so easy to let it out in the open.

"Buffy?" Hand on my cheek. This is Willow, my oldest, dearest friend. And I need her help.

"There's something else..."

"About Faith?"

I nod but it's hard to get the words out. It shouldn't be, I know that, but it is. "I... I'm... maybe... attracted to Faith. A little." I hope Willow doesn't take offense at my hesitation. I've always imagined it was the easiest thing in the world for her to admit that kind of thing with Tara.

Silence.

I have to get it off my chest, so I tell her everything. How I didn't stay in a motel last month when I went to see Faith. I spent the night with her. She was attracted to me and trying to hide it, 'cause she wants to be straight. It surprised me, and then fascinated me... and then on the way home I realized it flattered me. Even though I'm straight, too, it was nice to feel attractive.

"And Willow, I guess I was a little attracted to her too maybe. I saw her... um... let's just say I saw a lot of her. And I think of that and it makes me want to be near her."

Willow shakes her head and smiles sadly. "You've got it bad, Buffy!"

"Do you think... I should tell her?"

I don't mention the interesting fact that made me face up to these feelings in the first place: I haven't had the urge to have sex with Spike even once since my night with Faith. But Willow–thank God–doesn't know about me and Spike.

Willow doesn't think very long before she answers. "I'm sorry, Buffy. I think you better not."

"Why? Because she's evil?"

Willow shrugs. "Yes, Buffy. I don't want you to get hurt! But even if she's suddenly some saint..."

"What?"

"You'd be taking advantage of her. She doesn't really want to do anything with you. It sounds like she's just frustrated. You could probably talk her into it. But then you'd both be sorry. And I don't like to think what she might do then."

I realize I'm disappointed by her answer. I guess I thought she'd tell me I should go for it. I guess that tells me something about what I want to do, deep down.

 

---

 

My heart leaps when I see her. She is the loveliest thing I have ever seen. Still not quite used to admitting that to myself, I guess. And then my heart falls, as always. This is not how I want to see her, held by a guard on each side and led from place to place. I want to see her walking next to me in the open air, laughing, with her hair shining in the moonlight.

She looks so, so sad today! I think it's partly because today isn't just any other day. And partly it's because I keep turning down potential dates for another conjugal visit.

But she smiles when she sees me, and sits down for our allotted twenty minutes. "Hey, B!" Her voice is loud through the phone. "Did you get the date in the mail? The seventeenth?"

Oh, this is so bad. "Yeah... I'm sorry, Faith, I can't make it on the seventeenth."

"Oh. That's cool. Some other time." Her eyes are shining. It's not cool at all. Three times she's tried to set up a visit, and three times I've declined. It's been over two months since our second visit. For both our sakes I have some thinking to do before we meet again in person. But as the weeks go by, I still don't know what to think. What to feel.

Her hair is sticking out over her cute little ear. I want to smooth it down for her. Not gonna happen through two inches of glass, though.

"Thanks for the book, Buffy. You really don't have to keep doing that, you know." I send her a book about once a week. This one was about planting flower gardens.

"I know. I want to. You said you always wanted to have your own garden... one of these days you'll need that book!" She never talks about the future. She's in for thirteen more years, six if she gets her earliest possible parole. It's probably cruel of me, but it helps me cope to talk about her life one day when she's out of here. Plus I know she has some really bad days. I'm so afraid she'll try to hurt herself! So I want her thinking of the future, no matter how painfully distant it may be.

I have this nightmare where a strange girl knocks on my door and says she's the new Slayer. And I realize Faith is dead.

"Aren't we a lively pair?" I joke. I bet I look as gloomy as she does. And I so wanted to make this day fun for her!

She smiles. "Well–" She stops and her face goes pale, looking over my shoulder.

Here we go again.

Dawn approaches from the ladies' room, staring warily at Faith, and sits beside me. I had hoped to bring Xander, too–he and Faith get along just fine now–but he had to cancel. And I didn't push Willow to come: that meeting is important, but I thought I should spare Faith another painful reunion, today of all days.

Faith just stares back at Dawn, then glances at me and manages to bring her smile back. Dawn has assumed her best "Wow! Dental floss for Christmas!" smile, too.

Faith and Dawn scare the living crap out of each other, and it drives me nuts!

As far as Dawn remembers, she was Faith's biggest fan at first, and then Faith betrayed her along with the rest of us. And she had some very cruel words for Dawn. I know–I was there. But it didn't really happen, and Faith remembers none of it! Dawn always reminds me of the things Faith really did do–like kidnapping Willow and shooting Angel. I can't argue with that. Dawn was terrified of Faith after all that, and she still is. Unlike Willow, though, I can make her come and give Faith a chance.

And Faith doesn't get why I trust Dawnie. She doesn't understand how I can play along like she's my sister when I know my head's been messed with. And I admit I didn't want to trust Dawn at first myself, when I learned the truth about her. But I love her. I died for her and I'd do it again. Faith doesn't get that, and I don't know how to explain. I know Faith is afraid I'll put myself in danger for her again–which I'm sure I will. But she's even more afraid that one day, when the time is right, Dawn will reveal her true evil nature and... I don't know what–attack me? Open the portal all on her own and destroy the world? I wish I could give Faith a rational reason why I'm so sure Dawn is just what she seems, even though I also know she's an impostor with incredible magical energy locked up inside her.

That does sound scary if you think of it that way, but I don't want Faith to be logical. I want her just to like my little sister!

The two of them exchange fake smiles for my benefit. I probably shouldn't have brought Dawn at all, but it would be really lame with just me here.

A guard approaches Faith and sets a small cake on the counter. I brought it plenty early, so they could poke their needles through and make sure it didn't have a machine gun hidden inside. They refused to light the candles, though. Two candles: "19." Faith is speechless.

I grin. "Chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and chocolate chips! Happy birthday, Faith."

"How... how did you know?" Her eyes are shining again.

"Willow tracked down your records from Boston on the net. She promises she will come see you one of these days."

"Guess my secret's out then!"

"Your age? We all knew, silly! Not too tough to figure out... I was called at fifteen, Kendra was called at fifteen... so you acting like we were little kids, when you were sixteen or so yourself, was kinda funny." Faith makes a face. "That's why I though you should get to know Dawn... she could use some friends closer to her own age!" Now they are both making faces. I have to laugh, but they don't think I'm very funny.

"Look under the cake, Faith."

Faith lifts it off the plastic tray and unfolds a brightly colored party hat.

"Put it on." Now that's a face! "Come on, Faith!" I put my own hat on and nod to Dawn. She doesn't move and I give her a glare that has been known to stop a demon in its tracks. It has very little effect on my sister, but eventually she rolls her eyes and puts on her hat, too. I get out matching cupcakes for Dawn and me. Damned if they didn't even poke at those looking for weapons.

Faith reluctantly puts her hat on and tries her hardest not to smile, but it's no use.

"Ready, Dawn?" I whisper.

"You owe me big!" she whispers back.

I switch the phone to the other ear so we can both get near it, and we sing "Happy Birthday." Faith laughs. Good. I'm glad this turned out fun in spite of everything.

We hang up the phones to eat our cake. I want to tell Faith that Dawn helped make it, but Faith would go have her stomach pumped, so I keep that detail to myself.

I get up to throw out the paper cups. When I return, I catch Faith and my sister giving each other the Evil Eye and trying to act tough. But I know them both too well–they're terrified to be left alone with each other. Dawn must be expecting Faith to go all Hannibal Lecter and smash through the glass or something. And Faith is waiting for Dawn to turn into some demon from hell.

"That's enough, you two!" The fake smiles come back on like flipping a switch.

The guards are back. Twenty minutes are over so quickly! It's worth the hours of driving, though. I'd come every day if I could.

Panic in her eyes as usual. "Thanks, B! You're so sweet." She pauses. "Thanks, Dawn.... Hey, Buffy... I hope you can come for a real visit soon... I... I'll try not to get all weird again..." Her false cheer turns to desperation, and it breaks my heart. In her last letter she apologized for how she acted last time, and I know she thinks I'm avoiding her. I wrote back that she has nothing to be sorry for. But she's so insecure. And in truth I am avoiding another visit. I know she expects one day I'll be gone and never come back.

"We'll visit again sometime, Faith. In person. I promise. I won't ever abandon you. Not ever." Dawn has the decency to look down as Faith's lip starts to tremble.

I need to hold her... comfort her... maybe kick her around a little, just for fun. I've just got to think some things through first. I don't want to just ignore the attraction that seems to be between us. But I also don't want to make a mistake that will make her hard life even worse.

Talking to Willow has been a big help over the last few weeks. She can tell I'm crazy about Faith. But until she makes peace with Faith, I don't really trust her advice. I need them to meet, and then I need to decide how to handle the next CV.

As Faith gets up to return to her cell, a tear trickles down her cheek and I notice she still has frosting on her lower lip. I just want to lean into her and...

Yeah, I've got some serious thinking to do.

 

Continued with "CV-4"

 

I would be grateful if you would give me your comments and rate my stories in my Guestbook, or email me. Reader responses will determine whether I publish more stories, and will help improve them! Thanks for reading! (If you'd like to be notified when I post new stories, let me know. Further "CV-1" sequels are planned.

FAQ: The details of the conjugal visit thing are completely imaginary, not from experience, and may be quite inaccurate. I have never actually had a conjugal visit with a Vampire Slayer. I would, however, certainly consider it. Incarcerated Slayers may inquire here.

If you enjoyed this story, try Witch's Faith. Feeling rejected by Tara and Buffy, Willow finds herself helping Faith get out of prison–and falling in love. When the dark Slayer's plots turn deadly, Willow must betray someone she loves. But who will she choose?

Willow felt very exposed. "Thanks for leaving me my socks." Everything else she had been wearing was now in shreds scattered to the four walls. Faith's passion had been downright scary at times. There had been no question who was the natural predator and who was the willing prey.

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