Monday, August 19, 2002
I had to completely reformat my hard drive. Which did, in the end, absolutely no good.
So, back to square one, I'm buying a new PC.
I'm sitting in the university library doing this entry as a result.
The weekend was shitty/okay.
queertv at Austin's with the usual suspects. It was his birthday and he wasn't even trying to celebrate. So other than a cake, it was definitely lowkey. I left by 8 cos I just wanted to go home.
Been kinda of down today. I think it's a mixture of feeling alone and because I read a wonderful little book about economics' grad students at the big 10 universities. Basically all they do is math, there's no real exploration of policy, and no matter how you try you have no choice but to follow this because otherwise you're a no-hopper with no chance of getting a decent job or being able to publish.
So I feel just wonderful knowing that I'm not only not going to a big 10 school (which I can just about live with) but also unless I do what I thought I'd have to in the first place i.e. do so much math that I'll want to vomit, I really won't get through the process.
I've been so lazy that the prospect of 6-8 hours a day of studying for the next 3-6 years scares the hell out of me.
I knew this was coming, but that doesn't make it any less scary.
I am in awe of people who work full time and go to grad school full time as well. I mean, I want to try it, but knowing what a slacker I am, I'm afraid either my brain will explode or worse, I'll get all moody and weird and drop out.
I hate not feeling confident 24/7. I imagine everyone feels that way, but fuck it gives me such a headache to have to not only admit my weakness but have to live with it constantly feeding on my craziness.
Maybe I should just break down and do one of those Tony Robbins courses. You know, the one's that teach you how to live your dreams and not let even a second of negative thinking get in your head. If it's good enough for Pres. Clinton, it's good enough for me.
But in reality, I'd probably be better off with a prescription of Prozac and some Weight Watchers meetings.
hello, my name is gloeden and I can't control my food...
I can't raise LaLinda who must be out in the sticks hanging with Armyboy, so I'm off to dollar drinks by myself(*sigh*).
I'm not staying long, but I think I need some company for an hour or two to take the edge off this misery.
I will get over my shit, but just not right this second.