Wednesday, August 14, 2002
My fucking piece of shit PC is crashing every few minutes.
I hate Windows OS with such a burning passion.
I'm about to hit the road w/ La Linda for a quick shopping jaunt.
I can't get any work done and am expecting an imminent crash, so this is all for today....
Monday, August 12, 2002
Will somebody wear me to the fair?
Will a lady pin me in her hair?
Will a child fly me by a string
kiss my petals, lead me through a dream?
For all of these simple things
and much more
A flower is born...
"Les Fleurs" C. Stepney/R. Rudolph
Sunday, August 11, 2002
Research, research, research
fear, fear, fear
panic, panic, panic
calm, calm, calm
hope, hope, hope
(rinse and repeat)
This is my life. And it is my chosen life. Dear God, what have I gotten myself into?
Still wondering about my long-term university decisions. I know, even as I start this new program, that I want to go somewhere else.
I'm feeling pretty definite about staying in chicago with occasional detours to other out-of-country programs. This is where my support system is. And as tempting as it is to start from scratch, I'm too manic-y and panic-y for that. I mean, who will listen to me rant if I'm thousands of miles away? As it is I have very few people in my life. The prospect of having to start from scratch scares me. My cautious nature keeps me from going too far where my adventurous self tries to lead. And I don't think this is such a bad thing.
But I do wonder if I've kept myself safe for not very much return. But the grass is always greener, no?
And all I have to do is think of how lonely it's been in the past to remind myself that my days of moving through life like a sprite are over. I want roots, I like roots, I need roots.
And, in a funny way, Chicago as been the best long-term lover I've ever had. There when I need it, completely frustrating sometimes, but with so many good memories and hope for the future. I can walk away and be a hermit and when I'm ready to go back, there it is, changed but still waiting for me. And though I'm confused about where it's going right now, I still feel like change is a good thing.
I went cd crazy these past few days: Elton John "Stories from the West Coast", Flaming Lips "Soft Bullentin", The Byrds "Sweetheart of the Rodeo", Jamiroquai "A Funk Odyssey", Bjork "Post", Studio One "Respect to Studio One", Aimee Mann "I'm with Stupid"(I'm listening to this as I write).
I'm reading every scrape I can on thesis and dissertation preparation. And I have to start taking notes from everything econ or Chicago related. I thought I'd have something up on my neighborhood project, but it's moving slowly. LaLinda gave me some good ideas and I've got to get a new PC soon. I'd reallly like a notebook, preferably cheap, possibly used. Any ideas from anyone about where to find a reliable one would be appreciated.
I've started smoking again.
I realized that I never, ever want to do hard drugs because I'd never get off them. I'd be like what Kurt Cobain was supposedly like near the end: Desperate to get off them but still psychologically dependent even after detox. Geez, how self-aggrandizing of me! Can't just be like any old junkie, got to compare myself to a big junkie suicide star. Oh well, know me by the company I wish I kept.