Wednesday, July 31, 2002
okay, i need a date.
so now i start up with the "let's look around and find places to meet decent guys" search that always happens for me in the fall.
time to start a-plannin' and a-schemin'. i think i may have entered that stage in my life where i like having a man around semi-regularly. the trick, of course, is to avoid the high maintenance types i usually go for and settle down into something more (dare i say it) stable. but enough of that.
hot and sticky again. yuck
i'm also freaking out because i made the mistake of looking at the curriculum vitae of different economists on the web. some are still students,like me, and some are working profs. let's just say it was a good way to depress myself. ever have that underwhelming feeling about yourself? well, i took it right between the eyes. but i'll get over it,natch, and move on to confidentally making my mark or whatever.
i was also thinking about something i saw on t.v. tonight. there was this program on Washington and the Capitol building. I happened to crash on to the show as Richard Dreyfuss (remember him?) was going on about Pierre L'Enfant (which he kept pronouncing "LaFond", which drove me crazy) and how he designed the original layout of Washington. However, because L'Enfant was too demanding and "didn't work well with others", specifically because he tore down the house of a politically connected landowner in order to see his plan come to fruition, L'Enfant managed to get his demanding ass fired by none other than Thomas Jefferson, who was made to this bit of dirty work for Pres. Adams. Before the commerciall Dreyfuss concluded the story of L'Enfant by telling us that, "he died penniless and was buried without ceremony".
This got me to thinking, is this a morality story? I mean, is it just laying out the facts, or is it saying,"see, if you don't know how to do what needs doing, no matter how brillant you are, you will end up poor and unmourned. A foot note of history"?
In a discussion I had with Austin, I said that for men, our ideas are our children, our only way of producing something that is in the world and a reflection of how we thought and created. I compared the creative process to childbirth. This is not new, of course. But the point I made, in the end, was that if we allow our ideas to be stillborn because of our own laziness or not playing whatever "game" is necessary to make those ideas bear fruit, then we feel it keenly. Like the loss of a child, the unborn ideas stays with us and haunts our lives,no matter what we may do later.
I wonder if this is the worst thing that can happen in a life?
Most of us will never even be a footnote in anybody's book. But is it enough to just be happy? Is this something we tell ourselves to make it easier?
For many years now, different writers and commentators have spoken about how American society has become less about celebrating excellence and more about making everybody feel equal in their attempt to be excellent, even if they fail or purposely fall short. You know, like all the recent news reports about junior sports teams not being competitive but taking any kid who shows up for the team, even if that kid has no athlectic ability. Better to shore up their developing ego by not excluding them than to send them home in shame because they have two left feet and can't catch a ball thrown from 6 inches away.
I don't know if this is necessarily bad or good (cos I haven't bothered to care too much), but is it better to be mediocre and happy in the ignorance of excellence or is it better to demand more of yourself even if you fail again and again?
And I've notice how so many of those people who seem to suceed in those parts of life that we consider important--business, celebrity,love, money etc.--seem to have come from homes with domineering fathers who witheld affection and were demanding.
The pursuit of love seems to drive so much of ambition.
Am I too happy in myself to be ambitious?
Is having a good relationship with my family ruining my chances for sucess?
Am I too narcissitic to get further in life?
Listening to:Wamdue Project, The O'Jays, Kylie Minogue, Madonna
Got a shitload of new books on Chicago neighborhood development. I've got to start writing pretty soon. Research can only go on for so long. At some point, I have to pull the trigger.

Monday, July 29, 2002
nice day spent out.
haircut(yeah!),more books(whoo!),fried chicken(mmm,fried chicken).
LaLinda wanted to meet up for drinks but I'VE ALREADY DONE THAT...hee hee
Listening to: Radiohead, The Bends

Sunday, July 28, 2002
Meanwhile, back at the Gloedenhut...
My monitor fucked up. Happily, my bro had a spare lying around which I took over.
Then my system gets the "blue screen of death" over and over.
I restore Windows 98, the damn things stays crashy.
So after a defrag and scan, I can only hope the thing stays stable for more than 10 mins. at a time.

Austin is off for big fun w/his new boyfriend. Ludicris and Eminem in St. Louis, then the Jersey shore for a week or so.
I want to go somewhere sooooo bad.

A muggy Sun. here in Chitown. Bored but motivated. Tomorrow I have to act like I have a life and take care of errands meaningful and meaningless. I have so much reading to do before school starts. It's interesting to be in a state of preparedness. The nagging feeling that you won't be up to snuff and failure on your shoulder.
Enough pretention.
Oh yeah, "Sex in the City" tonight...I nearly forgot. I mean it's not that big of a deal, but what the hell else do I have to do?

Listening to: Stone Roses,1st album The Doves,"Lost Souls" Steely Dan,"Gaucho"

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