Georgianna
Howie and I sat outside my house in his car. This was the end of the third night in less than two weeks we had hung out - like this - and every time it ended awkwardly - like this. We sort of stopped talking, then I thanked him for a great time and went inside. We hadn’t kissed again since the night we got back, but there was so much more physical contact and...flirtiness between us that I was sure - or at least I hoped desperately - that things weren’t the same anymore. I looked over at Howie and caught him glancing at me. We both looked down in embarrassment. It was like we were fifteen, it was pathetic. I loved it.
“I can’t believe it’s already July,” Howie mused.
“No kidding, break is flying by - next thing I know I’ll be back in class.”
“That’s gonna suck.”
I nodded. “You’re telling me,” I agreed.
“No, I mean that’s really gonna suck...you know, that you’ll be back in school.” He was looking at me again. I wasn’t sure what to say.
“I guess.”
“I don’t.”
“I like it there...you know, good classes, good professors, good friends...” I trailed off, feeling stupid.
“Good friends,” he repeated. “Do you ever miss me?”
I laughed. “What?”
“Do you miss me while you’re at school?” I looked at him. He was serious, he really didn’t know. I patted his hand.
“Howard! What a question. Of course I do. I miss you a lot. I’m always hoping you’ll find time to visit,” I told him. I started to move my hand but he took it.
“I’m sorry, it’s just such a long way, and between school and auditions...I went on a big one, awhile back, did I tell you about it?”
As silly as it sounds, it was hard to stay focused while he was holding my hand. “No, I don’t think so, what was it for?”
“Some singing group. Alex McLean auditioned too - remember him?”
I thought a moment. “Is he that puppet show kid?”
Howie laughed. “That’s the one. I haven’t heard anything yet, I’ve kinda lost faith.”
“Don’t give up hope, you never know.” It was a lame thing to say, but I couldn’t come up with anything else. He was still holding my hand. It was quiet again.
“So do you ever regret going away to school?” he asked.
“Not really.”
His eyes peered into mine, looking almost pained. “Really?”
“Well, maybe...” I conceded. It was pretty much a lie, but seeing how the truth hurt him was hard. He squeezed my hand gently.
“Do you miss the way things were? In high school?”
I looked down. “Sure, of course.” That wasn’t quite true either, because although I loved all the fun we had in high school I was truly enjoying life now too. But he was making my resolve crumble, slowly but surely, and God only knew how badly I didn’t want to mess anything up - it was too precarious of a balance.
“I do too...life was so great then. I had everything I wanted then, Georgie. I couldn’t have been happier.” We locked eyes again. “I can’t believe I’ll have to say goodbye to you again,” he said softly. Tears were rising in my throat as his grip tightened again. This was a dream come true.
“I know...I know it’ll be hard...we can still write, and talk, and...” I stumbled, but didn’t have to try for long. Soon his lips were on mine and we shared a long kiss. It was amazing. It lasted forever and only a second, and when we parted I was afraid I’d faint. I wanted to look into his eyes afterward, gain some insight as to what was going on, but he was staring at his lap. Neither of us said a word.
“I guess I should probably go in,” I finally ventured. Howie sighed deeply and nodded. Without saying anything he got out and opened my door, then walked me to the porch.
“I’ll talk to you later?” he asked. I nodded.
“Sure.” A pause. “Thanks, um, for tonight.” I felt a blush rising and a tiny smile. Howie smiled too, just barely.
“Yeah, no problem.” He started back for his car, then turned. “Hey George?”
“Yeah?”
“I meant what I said tonight.” He watched me a minute longer, then climbed in his car. I watched him drive away, then headed for my room, throwing myself on the bed. My emotions were in a tizzy and nothing seemed stable. Suddenly Ball State was looking less and less appealing. I had seen what had happened with Jessica and Howie. If I left it was a safe bet this would end. Could I handle that? This was what I had wanted since I was twelve years old. I didn’t think I could handle losing it.
“What am I thinking?” I muttered. Drop out of school for a guy? Was I nuts? My parents would kill me. I’d miss everyone so much. But this... I shook my head and pulled a tattered notebook out from between my box spring and mattress. Finding the next blank page I tried to get things straight, but what I ended up with was no help at all.
Seems like just yesterday
We were only like sister and brother
Friends and nothing more
No real need for one another
But somehow, somewhere, things have changed
God, I want this so much
Nights are long, I’m here alone
Just dreaming your touch
Can’t think of what to say
I never meant to feel this way
I just know I don't want to be
Alone again tonight
Just hearing your voice
I start to tremble
So unsure, so small, so scared
A child’s what I resemble
It’s hard to just pretend
That all we are is friends
When all I want is you
Alone with me tonight
I want to do what’s right
I need you to know
That I don't want to live a lie
But I don't want to say goodbye
It scares me but I think I could give you
The rest of my life
What can I do
To make you mine?
I’ve fallen so hard for you this time
What do I say -
What do I do...
How did I fall in love with you?
Chapter 8
