Howie
God, I was a jerk. Driving home from Georgie’s the night I kissed her again my hands gripped the steering wheel so tightly I lost feeling in my fingers. How could I do this to her? How could I lead her on like this? How could I be so selfish that I’d do this to the one person who’d stuck by me through thick and thin?
And on top of feeling so awful, how could I still find room to be excited that I was making such headway?
I had seen in her eyes that I was getting through. George was impulsive enough to do it, too, it wasn’t just wishful thinking. No doubt Jessie and I’s history was egging her on. After only two weeks I had already gotten her to think about staying. It almost seemed too easy. Way too easy. But the quicker it was all over with the better.
Two days later turned out to be a busy day. I was supposed to head out to Jessica’s family picnic in Tampa, which was an all-day affair, and had to be back at seven to go to the movies with George. I hadn’t told Jessie yet, so on the drive out I ventured it.
“Jess?”
“Hmm?” She had been staring out the open window, her arm outside the car.
“Would you hate me forever if I told you I had to leave early?”
She laughed. “Why would I hate you forever for that?” she asked, then shook her head. “Of course not. Can I ask why?”
I shrugged. “I’m supposed to do something with Georgie,” I said nonchalantly.
“Oh, great. How is she?”
That was the great thing about Jessie - in all the time we had been together she had never gotten jealous of George and I’s friendship. “She’s pretty good.”
“Now she was at Ball State, right?” I nodded. Jessie frowned at me. “So everyone left you here, huh?”
“All by my lonesome,” I said, pouting. Jessie laughed again.
“I’m surprised you didn’t try to sweet talk her into staying here, you big baby.”
I laughed, a little uncomfortably. “I’m not that bad, am I?” I questioned. Jessica gave me a look.
“Howard.”
“I’m not!”
Jessie leaned close. “Howie, you know I think the world of you, but if there’s anyone that’d attempt to keep the world in shackles just so he wouldn’t have to change, it’d be you,” she said with a soft smile, then kissed my cheek. I smiled a little. It bothered me that I was that transparent. Could Georgie see through me just as easily? Probably, but as long as she couldn’t see what I was trying to do I was safe.
After an afternoon with Jessie and her family (who still loved me, thank goodness), it was back in the car and back home. I spend most of the trip going over what to say. Once I was at George’s house I was certain of one thing - I was clueless. Hoping she’d give me plenty to play off I knocked at her door. Her mother answered and grinned at me.
“Hi Howard,” she greeted warmly. “Georgie’s upstairs, she’s feeling sick to her stomach.”
I frowned. “Really? Should I go up there?”
Mrs. Kovach nodded, Mr. Kovach walking up behind her and giving me a smile. “I think she’d appreciate it. We’re on our way out - it’s bowling night.”
I nodded too and jogged up the stairs, knocking softly. “Come in,” I heard faintly. I walked in and saw George sprawled out on her back.
“Hey,” I said, taking a seat on the corner of the bed and resting a hand on her leg. “You all right?”
“Other than the fact that my stomach is killing me, yeah. Mind if we stay in?”
“Not at all.” There was a silence. “Mind if I lay down too?”
“Bye sweetie! We’ll be back by eleven thirty!” her mother called, following up with the sound of a door closing. Georgie grinned faintly.
“Not now.” She scooted over and I stretched out next to her.
“I’m sorry you don’t feel good.”
“I’ll live. How was your day?”
I shrugged. “Fine. Nothing special.” I put my hand to her forehead. “You’re a little warm,” I told her.
“Mark was over a few days ago and he was getting over stomach flu. He probably infected me.”
I pouted for the second time that day. “Poor thing.”
“I know. Pity me.”
I found that I had started leaning in closer. “Oh I do.”
She grinned. “Really?”
“Really.” And then we were kissing. That was the first time it had happened spur-of-the-moment since the party. This wasn’t planned, at all. It was throwing me off. Suddenly George broke away. “Everything OK?” I asked. She shook her head no and like a shot was off the bed and out the door. I was worried til I heard her in the bathroom...well, you know. George had a weak stomach, so it wasn’t much to be concerned about. I had to laugh - I was driving women to vomit now. I glanced up at her bulletin board and spotted a Ball State pennant. Getting up quickly I took it down and stuffed it in my pocket. George brushed her teeth and returned a few minutes later.
“Better?” I asked.
She nodded with an embarrassed smile. “Sorry about that,” she apologized. I shook my head, acting offended.
“No, that’s fine, I see how it is.”
She rolled her eyes. “You’re right. Hey, did you see the pictures I put up? They’re from a few weeks ago...” She trailed off as she looked to her bulletin board, then me with narrowed eyes. “Where’d it go?”
“What?”
“Don’t give me that.”
I raised my eyebrows innocently. “What are you talking about?”
“My thing.”
I laughed. “Your thing?”
“My thing...that flag thing - you know what I’m talking about!” she cried, laughing, coming back to join me on the bed.
“Yeah, good job with that articulation, Miss Communications Major.”
“Shut up and give me my thing.” George held her hand out expectantly. I sighed deeply.
“Ugh, fine, here’s your pennant.” I plunked it into her hand and she made a face at me. “Don’t pin it near any picture of me.” She moved it right next to a picture of me. “Hey, I’m serious.”
“Too bad.” She fell back onto the bed.
“But I don’t like that.”
“It’s just a pennant.”
“No, not the pennant, all it stands for.”
She looked at me. “What does it stand for, Howie?” she asked softly. I felt strange for a moment, not quite sure how to answer.
“Losing,” I finally admitted. She kept watching me, and I held her gaze. “It means losing. Losing a lot.”
She opened her mouth as if to say something, but finally just nodded. “I know,” she whispered. I scooted closer to her and rested my arm across her waist. She placed her arm over mine and snuggled her head into my shoulder. I closed my eyes. It was the most comfortable I had ever felt, and I found myself praying silently that August wouldn’t bring an end to this.
‘But what,’ I asked myself silently, ‘is “this”?’
Georgianna
I sat at my desk, chewing - maybe it would be more appropriate to say chomping - at the end of my pen and staring at the paper in front of me. Jotted all over it were the pros and cons of Ball State. I’d been doing it all night, ever since Howie’d left. There had been a hundred and one things that had crossed my mind and somewhere on that sheet of paper was written every one. I sighed and grabbed a clean sheet. “Time to organize,” I whispered. I pored over that mess, picking and choosing valid reasons. As I scribbled I heard my dad getting ready for work. God it was early. When I finished, not only was the sun rising, but the list was drastically shorter.
Pros for BSU:
--already have a year there
--friends
--apartment
--scholarship
--parents won’t kill you
Cons for BSU:
--distance
--out-of-state tuition
I read over what I had and threw down my pen in frustration. This was useless. My cons weren’t even cons. No one had a problem with Ball State being so far away - well, almost no one - and tuition wasn’t a big deal either. My parents had been saving since before I was born for this exact reason and besides, I had a pretty substantial scholarship.
“Who am I kidding?” I asked no one in particular (mostly because no one was there), as I went to take a seat in my window. This was stupid, this was a stupid debate. I shouldn’t have even been considering it, but what had happened earlier that night had gotten ahold of my soul and wasn’t letting go. He had just held me. I felt safe, I felt protected...I was so afraid to think it, but I felt loved. There was something there, there was no denying it.
But was that worth making a life change like this?
I saw Dad climbing into his truck and starting away. Without giving it more thought I threw on my shoes and hoodie and headed downstairs and out the door. It was already humid but there was a chill in the air. I loved the neighborhood at daybreak. It was so peaceful, so perfect before the garbage men and the little kids. The sky was awash in pinks and golds, setting the dew on the lawns sparkling. I wanted to live in a big city after graduation, but I’d miss moments like this. Howie had no desire to be anywhere but here - he’d already mentioned how great it would be to raise kids in this neighborhood. I didn’t know about any of that - children, anyway - but I let my mind wander over the idea of sharing that future. It wasn’t at all unnerving, like the thought of suburban family life usually was for me. It made sense. I laughed to myself as I thought of Howie and I chasing around blue-eyed Puerto Rican kids. It was only while I was alone that I let my thoughts wander like this, this far into dangerous territory. Vision after vision played, and I didn’t attempt to stop any of them. Howie and I were soulmates. I had thought that that would only extend to friendship, but fate was proving me wrong. Maybe I’d be wrong, but if I was right and messed things up...No. Everyone might hate me, but it was my life, and I was the only one who had to live with my regret.
I made it back to my house, up the stairs and to my desk again. I gave my list another once-over and laughed. I hadn’t written down the obvious, so I picked up my pen.
Cons for BSU:
--distance
--out-of-state tuition
--LOSING HOWIE.
There it was. Now things were complete. With pen in hand, I started a new list.
Things To Do:
--call BSU re: transferring schools
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