• Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex?
  Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers
  
• Q. Have you ever seen a jackass wrapped in plastic?
  A. Show me your license
  
  
• Hilarious Signs
  Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
  
  On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
  
  On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
  
  Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
  
  Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
  
  In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
  
  Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"
  
  On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
  
  In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
  
  On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
  
  At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
  
  In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
  
  
  
• A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families. "I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.
  "That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"
  "You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"
  
  
• Why was Harry Potter kicked out of Hogwarts? He was caught playing with his broomstick
  
  
• Rejected US Army Slogans
  "Kill All That You Can Kill"
  "Shower With Men"
  "Knock Up Foreign Broads"
  "All The Grits You Can Eat"
  "Be A Flame Thrower, Not A Flame Broiler"
  "Purple Hearts = Free Beers At Hooters"
  "Whimsical And Human, Just Like M*A*S*H"
  "Cubicles Are For Wusses"
  "Napalm Means Serious BBQ"
  "Over 1,000,000 Sheared, Beaten, And Worked Into A Sub-Human Fury!"
  "Totally Beefcake and Proud of It"
  "Beat Up Sailors"
  "We Won''''t Screw Your Mind Up As Bad As The Marines Will"
  "Kicking Nazi Tail Since 1942"
  "Don''t Ask, Don''t Tell, Don''t Accessorize"
  ?Risk Your Life for Freedoms No One Appreciates!"
  "Play Doom? For Real!"
  "Sure Beats Lurnin''''!"
  "Because Terminators Are Real"
  
  
• A blonde is working as a lifeguard at a swimming pool when a girl begins to drown, screaming "lifesaver! lifesaver!" The blonde thinks for a moment, and then asks "cherry or grape?"
  
  
• You might be a redneck if... your lifelong goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  
  
• I consider Wal-Mart to be God's gift to shoppers. Literally, here are the similitudes I have noticed between the kingdom of Heaven and the Kingdom of Everyday Low Prices.
  Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter greets you at the automatic doors
  Heaven: Eternal Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours
  Heaven: Where old people go when they expire Wal-Mart: Where old people go when the retire
  Heaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves God Wal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for Everyone
  Heaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory of God Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting for a price check on diapers
  Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sin Wal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what your complaint
  Heaven: EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives peacefully Wal-Mart: EDLP = Every day low prices
  Heaven: Sam Walton -- now a resident! Wal-Mart: Sam's choice cola -- now on sale!
  
  
• A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for. The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash. The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification. When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard. "See that?" said the trucker. The man said, "Yeah." The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?" The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"
  
  
• A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits."
  
  
• Mrs. Flebs, a teacher, was standing in front of her class. It was the beginning of the new school year. Mrs. Flebs said, ?Okay class, we're going to go around the room and have everybody say a sentence. We'll start with Sarah.? Sarah said, Cows have spots. Terrence said, ''Baseball is a sport." Carla said, "Computers are electronic." Bobby said, "Urinate." Mrs. Flebs said, "Bobby, urinate is a word, not a sentence." Bobby said, "Not urinate, it's you're an eight. And if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten."
  
  
• A young punk gets on a bus and sits down in directly across from an old man. The young punk has spiked green, purple and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His entire face and body are covered with piercings and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers. The old man stares at the young punk as the bus travels across the city. Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."
  
  
• CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER
  "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy
  "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra
  "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman
  "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright
  "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke
  "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin
  "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry
  BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!! ~ "Unknown"
  Remember "I"! before "E", except in Budweiser.
  To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
  And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. ! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
  

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