Black Cow Press - Thirteen

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black cow press
a free-rangin' publication

Black Cow Press
~The Archives~

Extraordinary Rendition
And Its Chilling Effect on Journalism

Stymied in its attempts to interrogate suspects the good, old-fashioned way, the CIA may have turned to unusual methods for obtaining information from "high-value" detainees. After almost a year of silence, our esteemed Editor, Norm D. Plume resurfaces in Albania with a shocking tale of abduction and torture.

BCP: Mr. Plume, I wonder if you’d tell us a bit about your experiences of the last 12 months. Is it true you spent at least part of that time in a covert CIA prison?

NORMAN PLUME: Towards the end of October 2004, I was spending a lot of time in the Nevada desert doing research for a book about edible cacti. One night I was driving west across Death Valley in the pitch black when I experienced this brilliant flash of blue light. The truck went dead and coasted to a stop. I got out and was poking around under the hood when something grabbed me from behind and spun me around. I was staring at three humanoids in full space suits with the bubble helmets and everything.

At first I thought I was being abducted by aliens again, and I was really feeling sorry for myself. Like, how can this be happening to me again? And who’s gonna’ believe this one? My credibility’s already in the toilet over the Yeti article. I was pleading with the spacemen to find some other human, when I noticed the US flags on their space suits. They gave me an injection of something which made me go all limp and docile. When I came to we were in some sort of unmarked shuttle that was just docking at the space station.

BCP: That would be the International Space Station?

No, this is something else, one you won’t find any reference to at NASA. In 2003, the Americans began work on operation: “Above The Law,” a space station that the CIA keeps in a geosynchronous orbit over Langley, Virginia. Because the station is outside the earth’s atmosphere, it isn’t subject to any international laws, treaties or accords regarding the fair and humane treatment of detainees. I was transported there and held incommunicado for 11 months, tortured repeatedly by the CIA, and denied access to legal counsel or the medicine I need to treat my glandular disorder.

"Because the space station is outside the earth’s atmosphere, it isn’t subject to international laws, treaties or accords regarding the fair and humane treatment of detainees."-Norman Plume

BCP: When you say torture, what definition of that word are you using? Are we talking the Condoleezza Rice version, the Alberto Gonzales version or the United Nations version?

Man, they worked me over good. I held out for a few days with the electric shock, water boarding and the dogs, but they brought in this real sadistic son-of-a-bitch with a CD player and a dozen Christmas albums- the kind you find in the checkout line. They got inside my head with that shit, man. I lost all sense of time, and at one point I actually felt my soul being physically, or at least metaphysically, sucked out of me with "White Christmas." Sometimes that guy would set “Little Drummer Boy” on repeat and just leave me there shackled to the floor for days. In less than a week I was drooling and babbling. l still wet myself if I hear so much as a rum-pum-pum-pum.

BCP: Why did they abduct you in the first place? How can Norm Plume really be so important to national security?

I have two theories. One is that they wanted to know about my involvement with a radical third party candidate in the 2004 election. I can’t say anymore about that because of the gag order. The other is that it was just a case of mistaken identity. I’m becoming increasingly convinced they thought I was George Clooney

BCP: You don’t look anything like George Clooney. I mean not to be rude, but he’s... he looks different.

Well, some people have said that we bear a resemblance.

Clooney? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Plume?

BCP: How long were you held for?

Almost a year. I think they knew after a few weeks that they had the wrong guy, or that at the least I didn’t know anything, but they didn’t know what to do with me. Apparently they’re hesitant to admit when they’ve made a mistake.

BCP: Describe for us how you were finally released?

They drugged me again and dropped me in Mexico. I was found wandering around Veracruz, so full of sodium pentothal that I was mistaken for a drunk and held in police lock-up for another four days.

BCP: What’s become of your paper in the last year?

Well, they tell me it was pretty rough. Sidney and some of the other staff got into a very public quarrel over how to proceed in my absence, and there were some things that got said that really hurt everyone’s feelings. After that most of our corporate advertisers pulled out. We’ve been doing some group counseling leading up to this current issue. Everyone needs to be on the same page for this thing to work and become the paper it can be: a shining beacon of truth in this sea of journalistic schlock and state-sponsored media.

BCP: Sir, one more thing: the lead paragraph states that after your abduction you were found in Albania, not Mexico.

Jeez, that’s embarrassing. That’s exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about. The paper has just really gone to seed since I was taken. The fundamentals, the copyediting, ad sales, pagination, all that stuff. Look through this page and I bet you’ll find like forty mistakes. It’s going to be a long climb back to where we were. And it wasn’t Albania or Veracruz. It was St. Albans... Ver-mont! -bcp

SIDEBAR: What to do if YOU are tortured by the CIA, or other intelligence service:

The goal is to buy time. Don’t try to be a hero and cop a “you can’t break me” attitude. The trick is to stall, without frustrating them so much that they really get medieval on your ass. Assess your torturers beforehand to determine which method will be most suitable.

Garble Agree to talk, but in some other language, preferably one you do not speak well. Imagine how long it might take to explain in Swahili why you checked out Fahrenheit 911 from the library. Be polite and cooperative, just not in English. Your interrogators will have to seek out a translator. Alternatively, you could just make up your own pig Latin.

Imprint If you detect any sign of weakness in your interrogator, tell them about your family. Describe a beautiful wife/loving husband and dozens of little offspring back home who need you, and are missing their mommy/daddy. Spice it up with stories about a 12-year-old arthritic Collie, or an aged grandmother who needs you to read the Bible to her.

Confound Explain that you have never been tortured before but that you are enthusiastic about the idea, and only hope that you will do well, and not disappoint them. Ask lots of questions about everything: “Is that thing hot?” “Ooh, that’s gonna’ leave a mark.” "Hey, what’s that one for?” “How long have you been doing this?” “Do you get good health benefits at the agency?” “Now is this the torture part, or are you just softening me up?” “I heard that if you...” -bcp

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