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TRAGEDY AT BLACK COW!
Editor Resigns. Feud Erupts
Between Rival Successors.
When $6,000 worth of White Out correction fluid went missing from Black Cow
Press, it wasn't long before suspicion came to rest on managing editor and former
mayor of North Las Vegas, Norman Plume. Now, a month after Plume's
disgraceful departure, management struggles to hold the paper together amid intense
artistic differences. Tom Sears and Sidney Nottingham held the
following press conference on Tuesday to update readers on Plume's condition, and
reassure fans that the paper will go on... maybe.
TOM SEARS: "We suspected Norm had gone back to the fluid when he failed to show
for a drugs screening last month, but I don't think anyone was aware how far it had progressed.
He'd tell us he'd kicked the stuff. Things would be cool for a few weeks. Then we'd catch him
beating his head against his desk and making inappropriate advances to the female office help.-
He insists he was only trying to get Naomi Bleys to feature a Patti Labelle song on the music
page."
SIDNEY NOTTINGHAM: "I found him in the lavatory once. He was in the very
depths of a binge, barely conscious with little white blots all over his face and suit. He told me he
couldn't hold it together anymore, that he needed to go away for treatment and that he wanted me
to run the paper in his absence."
TOM: "Incidentally, no one witnessed this alleged conversation Sid's referring to."
SIDNEY: "Norm didn't want to hurt your feelings, Tom."
TOM: "I suppose that's why he called from Buenos Aires last week to tell me I was
in charge, and to keep sniveling Sidney on the fashion page where he belonged."
SIDNEY: "I don't think you're fooling anyone, Thomas. Norman has complete
confidence in me and approved of the direction I was taking the paper in."
TOM: "Sidney wants to turn the paper into a sort of showcase for local
pornographic talent."
SIDNEY: "And Tom is completely puritanical and uptight about anything artistic."
TOM: "That's not true. And I'm not against pornography for moral reasons. I just
don't think readers want to see shower pictures of your sister."
SIDNEY: "Bastard!"
TOM: "Whatever, dude. The chick's nasty..."
[EDITED FOR CONTENT]
SIDNEY: "...And I've obviously got real concerns about a copy editor who consistently
displays a complete ignorance of and disregard for punctuation. Here, I'm going to quote directly
from an email you sent last spring: 'Commas and ellipses don't mean shit to me They only get
in the way' You said that, Tom. Tell me you didn't say that."
TOM: "I didn't say that. I would never say that. I love commas, dearly. And
ellipses... This is a calculated smear to undermine my ability as a proofreader."
SIDNEY: "Oh here come the conspiracy theories: Aliens, Communists, MI-6,
the Illuminati, Hillary."
TOM: "Listen, Sid, am I going to have to give you another dig in the head?"
SIDNEY: "Did I mention how he's always tampering with my bylines? How my
name's constantly appearing in the paper as SINDY, or DISNEY, or
SNIDLY?"
TOM: "I have a disability, you asshole! Can I help it if I transpose letters?"
SIDNEY: "Oh that's right, the selective dyslexia. Then how is it you never
transpose other words?"
TOM: "The spell checker catches the others because they aren't real words."
SIDNEY: "Snidly? What the devil is a Snidly, then? Use
Snidly in a sentence."
TOM: "Go fuck yourself, Snidly."
SINDY: "There. Do you see? Do you see what I have to put up with? The man's a
thug... a Nascar idiot."
TOM: "O.K. We've got time for a few questions..."
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