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Issue 11: "TRAGEDY"

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TRAGEDY AT BLACK COW!

Editor Resigns. Feud Erupts
Between Rival Successors.

When $6,000 worth of White Out correction fluid went missing from Black Cow Press, it wasn't long before suspicion came to rest on managing editor and former mayor of North Las Vegas, Norman Plume. Now, a month after Plume's disgraceful departure, management struggles to hold the paper together amid intense artistic differences. Tom Sears and Sidney Nottingham held the following press conference on Tuesday to update readers on Plume's condition, and reassure fans that the paper will go on... maybe.

TOM SEARS: "We suspected Norm had gone back to the fluid when he failed to show for a drugs screening last month, but I don't think anyone was aware how far it had progressed. He'd tell us he'd kicked the stuff. Things would be cool for a few weeks. Then we'd catch him beating his head against his desk and making inappropriate advances to the female office help.- He insists he was only trying to get Naomi Bleys to feature a Patti Labelle song on the music page."

SIDNEY NOTTINGHAM: "I found him in the lavatory once. He was in the very depths of a binge, barely conscious with little white blots all over his face and suit. He told me he couldn't hold it together anymore, that he needed to go away for treatment and that he wanted me to run the paper in his absence."

TOM: "Incidentally, no one witnessed this alleged conversation Sid's referring to."

SIDNEY: "Norm didn't want to hurt your feelings, Tom."

TOM: "I suppose that's why he called from Buenos Aires last week to tell me I was in charge, and to keep sniveling Sidney on the fashion page where he belonged."

SIDNEY: "I don't think you're fooling anyone, Thomas. Norman has complete confidence in me and approved of the direction I was taking the paper in."

TOM: "Sidney wants to turn the paper into a sort of showcase for local pornographic talent."

SIDNEY: "And Tom is completely puritanical and uptight about anything artistic."

TOM: "That's not true. And I'm not against pornography for moral reasons. I just don't think readers want to see shower pictures of your sister."

SIDNEY: "Bastard!"

TOM: "Whatever, dude. The chick's nasty..."

[EDITED FOR CONTENT]

SIDNEY: "...And I've obviously got real concerns about a copy editor who consistently displays a complete ignorance of and disregard for punctuation. Here, I'm going to quote directly from an email you sent last spring: 'Commas and ellipses don't mean shit to me They only get in the way' You said that, Tom. Tell me you didn't say that."

TOM: "I didn't say that. I would never say that. I love commas, dearly. And ellipses... This is a calculated smear to undermine my ability as a proofreader."

SIDNEY: "Oh here come the conspiracy theories: Aliens, Communists, MI-6, the Illuminati, Hillary."

TOM: "Listen, Sid, am I going to have to give you another dig in the head?"

SIDNEY: "Did I mention how he's always tampering with my bylines? How my name's constantly appearing in the paper as SINDY, or DISNEY, or SNIDLY?"

TOM: "I have a disability, you asshole! Can I help it if I transpose letters?"

SIDNEY: "Oh that's right, the selective dyslexia. Then how is it you never transpose other words?"

TOM: "The spell checker catches the others because they aren't real words."

SIDNEY: "Snidly? What the devil is a Snidly, then? Use Snidly in a sentence."

TOM: "Go fuck yourself, Snidly."

SINDY: "There. Do you see? Do you see what I have to put up with? The man's a thug... a Nascar idiot."

TOM: "O.K. We've got time for a few questions..."


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