Let's begin with a prayer as we do each morning at the Justice Department: "Dear Lord in Highest Reaches of Heaven, please grant me the strength to follow my good heart and to give righteous and true answers to the unredeemed perverts and sodomites who will undoubtedly be reading my column and asking for advice. Help me to share wisdom with them and make straight their crooked ways. Amen."

Well, I'm happy to be on board. This isn't the sort of publication I usually contribute to, but it's my duty to spread the word to the unconverted. We are each of us Americans, after all, united by a global war against Evil. And God is behind America right now, taking pleasure in us. He loves us and wants us to win our war. But we can't just blindly count on His loyalty. We must remain attractive to Him, and that means we must be a moral nation-especially in our sexual lives. God is a sucker for morality.

It is also important to remember that God has impressive powers of surveillance: He can track your Internet usage, listen to your phone-sex calls, and eavesdrop on your most intimate whispered conversations. So don’t think you can slip one by God - his Monitoring Equipment never sleeps. (How beautiful is that? Brings tears to my eyes...)

With this in mind, and since we don’t have any mail yet, for my first column I've prepared a short primer covering some of the most common moral questions that Americans face in their intimate lives.

Is oral sex morally acceptable?
The mouth is the orifice I sing through with my barbershop quartet - me, Trent Lott, Larry Craig, and old "Benedict" Jeffords, making pretty sounds, harmonizing in our version of "The Eagle Soars." This is the sort of thing the mouth should be used for. God approves of this. He is skeptical of some other uses though, including a certain activity that is popular among liberal perverts and homosexuals: oral sex.

So should oral-genital contact be left only to those with a future in Hell? My first instinct would be to say yes. But a friend of mine, a reverend from Kentucky, has made a somewhat persuasive counterargument to me, that oral sex performed by a woman on a man is worthy in the Lord's sight. My friend’s logic goes like this: God designed women to be listeners and followers, and men to be speakers and leaders. Nonetheless, He made everyone's mouth the same size. Thus it follows that since the mouths are the same size, but women have less to say, and consume less food in general than do men, that God must have had alternate means in Mind for how a woman ought to keep her mouth busy. Personally, I think this matter is a valid one for debate, but I haven't yet made up my mind on it. I do request a "BJ" (as those filthy liberals call them) from time to time on experimental grounds, but I am always on the lookout for a sign from God saying either, "Remove from her mouth thy penis, for this act angers Me!" or "Happily resides thy penis in her mouth, and this is satisfactory in My sight!" No word yet.

My editor suggests I also need to address the question of a man performing oral sex on a woman. I find this too humorous for words. Big John giving a tongue-swabbing to Mrs. A? Not in this lifetime!! My old friend Eazy-E, a big time and loyal donor to the GOP, said it well: "I might be a woman beater but I'm not a pussy eater." Now, before you start sending me hate mail, let me say I don't condone beating women-but that sort of language is just part of E-Z's cultural heritage, his self-expression. (By the way, this offers yet another example of how wrong those people are who say I'm not "sensitive to diversity"!)

Is anal sex morally acceptable?
As a moral matter, there is no question that the anus is Satan's territory. Strictly off-limits. Touching it for any reason that is not medical or hygienic is equivalent to a stinky handshake with the Prince of Darkness himself. Case closed!

What are the moral limitations of vaginal sex?
Nookie in the missionary position is the straight stuff - as God intended. Mrs. A and I partake of this activity at least twice a week.
But from a moral perspective, it's not as commodious as it seems at first glance. You can't just go around copulating all the time, even within the sacrament of marriage, thinking that God is just giving you a big "thumb's up" from Heaven the whole time. God's no weak-kneed liberal. He wants there to be some productive value in our pleasure.

Now this is tricky stuff, and I'm sure as heck no Catholic, but the Romans did get it right on one point: God only smiles on the conjugal act if it is done for purposes of procreation and not just pointless pleasure. Now the difference between me and the Romans is that I'm not afraid to rubber up - but the key to rubbering in a moral way is that you have to keep up appearances with God. Therefore, when you, as a man, feel that you are near to climax and ejaculation, you must immediately pray to God, and propose to Him that if He wishes your lady to bear fruit that He immediately break the condom. See how that works? You don't have to risk knocking her up each time you screw, but you're still giving God the respect of using sex for procreation.

Is interracial sex morally acceptable?
This is a toughie. I've spent many hours wondering whether God wants us to stay like-with-like. Among my more traditionally-minded friends (some call them "segregationists," but I think that word is kind of out of fashion) feelings run high on this matter. When I'm hanging out with them and we get going on this subject I usually just clink glasses and say, "Cheers!" But in my heart I question: if God didn't want me to mate with the darker ladies, why did He make them so darn appealing? Is it just simple temptation, to be avoided like the apple? I'm not so sure. If I were a single guy, my rule of thumb would be: if she's a Christian, go ahead and stick her! (Within the sacrament of marriage, of course!! ).

What is foreplay?
You don't need to be some New Age hippy freak to be sensitive to your lady's needs. I'll admit that in my youth I was hasty to get to the act and ruffled a few tailfeathers in the process. Live and learn. As a mature sexual hombre I now understand that a lady needs to "warm up" before you start poking her. Here's my favorite technique: when I suddenly find myself in the mood-say, after eating a ham sandwich, which curiously has always had an aphrodisiac effect on me... -I fetch my lady's tube of water-based lubricant from her bedside table. I seek her out and tap her lightly on the shoulder, handing her the tube. In the language of our loving relationship, that means: "You've got 15 minutes, and then you'd better be ready for action, because John-o's foot will be on the gas, not the brakes!!" I set my stop watch on countdown mode, take a little walk around the back yard, checking on the tomato plants and the shrubbery. I turn my mind to procreation and feel my ardor growing. When that alarm goes off you'd better believe I'm running not walking to find my lady and start some conjugal bonding. Yee-haw!!