THE OLD PHILOSOPHER SEZ,

As I travel around this wide and diverse country
 of ours I like to read some of the signs that well 
meaning individuals put up. One of my favorite 
places are the signs in front of churches. Here 
are just a few.

   HAVE TROUBLE SLEEPING?
WE HAVE SERMONS-COME HEAR ONE!

HOW WILL YOU SPEND ETERNITY-SMOKING OR 
NON-SMOKING?

DO NOT WAIT FOR THE HEARSE
 TO TAKE YOU TO CHURCH

Then there are the ones that just didn't come out the 
way they intended.

DON'T LET WORRY KILL YOU. 
  LET THE CHURCH HELP

        PASTOR IS ON VACATION.
MASSAGES CAN BE GIVEN TO CHURCH SECRETARY.

AT THE EVENING SERVICE TONIGHT, THE SERMON
TOPIC  WILL BE "WHAT IS HELL"
(COME EARLY AND LISTEN TO OUR CHOIR PRACTICE.)

THIS EASTER SUNDAY, MR. VASSILAS WILL COME
 FORWARD  AND LAY AN EGG ON THE ALTAR.

MEETING OF LITTLE MOTHERS CLUB
   THURSDAY AT 5 PM
(Those wishing to become Little Mothers, please
see the minister in his private study.)

A TITHING CAMPAIGN SLOGAN
"I UPPED MY PLEDGE-UP YOURS"

THURSDAY NIGHT POTLUCK SUPPER
(Prayer and medication to follow)

THE LOW SELF ESTEEM SUPPORT GROUP WILL
     MEET THURSDAY AT 7 pm
(Please use back door)

It's not what you say...but how you say it. 
Here are a few more that had to make sense 
to the person that wrote them, didn't it?

In a Florida maternity ward:
     "NO CHILDREN ALLOWED"

In a clothing store:
     "WONDERFUL BARGAINS FOR MEN WITH 16 AND 
      17 NECKS."

Or how about the one nailed to a telephone pole:
     "ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CAN'T READ? IF SO, 
      WE CAN HELP"

You might want to stay off this road?
     "TAKE NOTICE: IF THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER,
     ROAD  IS IMPASSABLE"

A place to hang around: In a laundry mat the sign
 said:
     "AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES. PLEASE 
     REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT
     GOES OUT."

Are you sure you want to go here? Nailed to a 
church door:
     "THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL
      BY THIS DOOR"
      (This door is kept locked because of the draft.
        Please use side entrance.)

This is handy. Taped to the door of a rest room:
     "TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR
      BELOW."

Don't buy at this health food store: Sign on window
 says:
     "CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS"

I can attest to this being true. Read those signs 
farmers put up:
     "THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS 
       THE FIELD FOR FREE.
      BUT THE BULL CHARGES."

Then there are the catchy ones:

In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, 
we'll wait." 

On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts." 

Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to 
take a leak." 

In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will 
assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." 

On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push." 

On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a 
vegetarian except the dog." 

At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what 
you're looking for, you've come to the right place." 

On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff." 

On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs." 

On a fence, "Salesmen welcome.  Dog food is 
expensive." 

At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on
 your feet -- miss a car payment." 

Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary.
  We'll hear you coming." 

In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here." 

On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 
3rd salesman, and the 2nd  one just left." 

In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 
minutes.  Sit! Stay!" 

At the electric company, "We would be delighted
 if you send in your bill.   
However, if you don't, you will be." 

In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!" 

On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what 
it takes to take what you've got." 
 (Burglars please copy.) 

In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and 
be hungry, come in and get fed up." 

Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet.  We 
need to hear a pin drop." 

In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in 
the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."