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December '97 - January '98

Hi! I am a 16 year old lesbian from Tampa, Florida. I have not yet come Out to my family. Well, most of them any ways... but I have come out to the kids at school. I go to a very small Baptist school ... My class is grades 8th-12th & that has 14 students! and out of that 6 girls.

Last December, I came out to my best friend Mike... He took it very well actually:) He has had relationships problems in the past and was having a hard time getting close to people so he figured, if he hang out with me he wouldnt get close. Our school went on Christmas Break and Mike and i hang out more than ever.. i loved the attention! When school started we became Even closer. if you find that possible:) When ever I was there he was & when he was there I was... It was a friendship i always wanted.We were both having problems so it made a lot of sense to people, you know?
Well... there were rumors i was a lesbian... You wouldn't believe how much gossip is in a small school like that! You tell someone something within a day everyone else knows! including the teachers *blah!* Well mike had known for a month and hadn't told anyone I trusted him.. A girl stood up in class and told everyone to stop saying that, because I'm not gay.. How embarassing i thought.

Around the middle of January I recieved a phone call from a friend of mine (a good friend of 3 yrs). The subject of what happened in class came up... I really didn't wantto talk about it BUT! she did. Let me just tell you this- she is the pastors daughter- and she had a very big mouth..but she really made me feel bad she told me how if I was a lesbian she woudln't care and that I should have pride... Well, when she started saying i should have pride *choke* i felt like... Maybe I am not proud of who i am... which I wanted to be so much at the time... I Guess two weeks before this i told my brother I was a lesbian On-line.. he took it well he has a dirty mind tho hehe.

Back to the pastors daughter- she had me so upset about me thinking I wasn't proud of who I am! I told her... I told her!! All night before school i couldn't sleep. I just knew she would tell someone! she was okie with it tho... Well guess what happened? within 2 days... EVERYONE KNEW including the girl at school i had a crush on. A nightmare! Even my teacher knew arrrghh!! knew. Let me tell you this I did the most stupidest thing in the world... I was mad at Mike as well He didn't call me or talk to me for 2 months, even after I told him sorry.. The pastors daughter kept saying " you must miss him?", but i said no... even tho I did so much.WHAT could i do?? My 14 year old cousin found out... what a pic he was hehe.. GUYS! All he could say was he wanted to get him a -chic- hehe & talk to me about sex.. I got sick of that easily:)

Right Now.. Mike just started calling me again. My mom keeps asking me if I am a lesbian- she knows -I just do not have teh courage yet. See my family they are not to happy with gays. Well would like to see them all die. My mom keeps like saying things about gays to me... To see the expression on my face, you know? I really want her to know.. it kills me we were always so close, But I don't want to break her heart- it will kill her. Maybe when I am not dependant on her anymore I will have the courage. And she will accept it or not, but thats what I'm scared of coz I really love her:) I'd love her for who ever she was or wanted to be.