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Uncle Mike's Archive

Q)unkie mike,

please disregard this letter if it is outside your area of expertise as i doubt you have ever had a problem with too much beer. Last weekend i was headed south to jervis bay so i allowed a callow youth of a windsurfish disposition to hold birthday festivities at my house (which is deemed bullet proof for those purposes as stains can only improve the carpet and the cockroaches love to boogy). unfortunately one tall thin guest with a bottomless stomach was taken into account when said callow youth calculated the anticipated beveridge consumpton & there was an excess of beer as a result of that tall thin bloke's non attendance (about 6 slabs) . the beer was left in the bath at my house. this might be ok if any of it was a brand of beer i like as i would be set (but bathless) for about 10 years. unfortunately it is all vb tooheys new etc & i am unsure how to proceed. does etiquette oblige me to return it to callow youth? I could leave it in the bath but it could cause injury if anyone tried to squeeze in for a quick scrubbing and i would be unable to clean the bath until it was consumed. could i feed it to the cat? can you suggest a solution.

bh

ps, i just have to ask how come you went faster & higher on the old bic last weekend than you did on the DROOPS MB15.

PPS my compliments on the photo section of the site. i have installed a photo as wallpaper on my screen (& all the screens in my office) and find it rivetting viewing.

A)Dear Mr Healey - if I get this right....you have a copious amount of beer taking up your bath. So what's the actual problem? And I also know your household and some of its habitants and I'm not sure there is a huge demand on that bath space. If you're really struggling with knowing what to do I'll come up shortly and lend some assistance.

As for the Bic episode - from memory at the time I passed you, you were sailing Sub Height-Idyllic Tracking, or SHIT for short. I could have gone passed you on a Ypsi!

And as for plastering the pics around the office - you truly are a very sick man

Uncle Mike

Q)Dear Uncle Mike,

I'm one of three lead female singers of a struggling but emerging band - on our quest for greatness we secured a gig at the hawks nest golf club - the place any young band needs to get to, to commence the journey to greatness. On the night we were blessed by a group of windsurfers who danced up a treat, and helped us look a lot better than I thought we were. There was one guy in particular with a stripped shirt who was quite funky but I'm digressing from my real question. I'm writing to you because there was this one guy that I haven't been able to forget and I was wondering if you could hook me up with him - he had what I could only describe as boofy hair and called himself Muzza - he was quite the ladies man. he kept going on about this windsurfingnsw website which is how I've co about writing to you.

Can you help?

Mega

A)Ah Mega, I remember you well, for I too was there that fateful night. I'm not surprised you're taken with our young Muz, he even has had some of the boys questioning their own preferences. You wouldn't guess it to look at him now but the young Muz has had quite the torturous history - he had bold ambitions of a career in Porn but also rebelled violently to the normal growing pains that every young windsurfer goes through. The result was some nasty experimentation with Cointreau, Mountain Dew and Viagra. Let's just say his hair will never be limp again. But in the nick of time he was saved by a young Newcastle Hair dresser called Mizza who plucked him from the throng of the Newcastle Workers Club - some say a second earthquake hit the club that night - an earthquake of love. She immediately stole his heart and gave it a short back and sides plus colour treatment and one day our Muzza and Mizza will get Mazzied. His career ambitions have been tempered just slightly and he has become a civil engineer.

So alas young mega, your name can't be abbreviated and 'Z'd up, and young Muz is well and truly gone. But there are many more dolphins off Jimmy's Beach - go for a swim!

Uncle Mike - the Love Doctor

Q)Dear Uncle Mike,

I need some advice on Tacking. Whenever I tack laughter can be heard from around the race course, in particular from one person who claims to be the No 1 Formula Sailor in Australia. I'd be willing to exchange advice as the pickup line " I've been looking at you all day, my name is "Mike" just doesn't cut it with the girls. CT

Q)Dear Chris,

To be brutally honest your tacks are painfully funny - its going to be hard to quell the mocking unless you start tacking with some sort of cred. You should probably try and get in touch with your inner Scotty and start exclaiming "no Captain, I can't give......" through the tack. I haven't seen it done for anything apart from Gybes but your tacking is an extreme case and any thing is worth a go. If this doesn't work, try using the uphaul - there's no shame with the good old 'rope tack' and I can't see it making you any slower!

Hope this helps!

Uncle Mike

Q)Hi Uncle Mike bro,

Choice collumn bro. the lads I sail with & I (we're all kiwis) need your help. what type of training would be good to help us dominate the kiwi fw scene. obviously no other kiwis would read your collumn so whatever you tell us will be a secret as far as other kiwis are concerned. we are prepared to spend all winter in the gym or whatever it takes to sculpt our bodies into choice windsurfing machines. but what areas should we work on what sort of training will do best.

Also we don't understand what a YPSI could be, is it some mythical aussie creature?

cheers robbie bro

ps: my wife suggests that since tall chaps do well in fw & I am a bit on the shortish side, maybe I should wear platform shoes or high heels. could it work?

A)Yo bro!

Great to have some one from over the tasman take time out from 'attending' the sheep and drop us a note (unless off course you're writing from bondi). It's great to hear your enthusiasm and inquiry on what to work on.

First of all learn how to spell column - you've gone just a little bit 'l' crazy there 'bro.

Second of all I think you need to have a chat to your wife - she's obviously unhappy with your shortness and suggesting to you platforms or high heels is not something to be taken seriously (which is another issue all together but I'm feeling kind today and I'll let it go).

Is she Hot??? She's obviously after someone taller - get her to write to me and I just may be able to hook her up

As for the kiwi fw scene - it shouldn't be too hard. One of the ancient art of war rules we shall employ here is "divide and conquer". So what you must do - and this has been used by some of the crazy kids over here - is find an event that's not going to be well attended and try and win that. If that doesn't work, run your own event and don't invite anyone else. Once you have this result under the belt, don't turn up to any of main stream events but tell everybody your number one or two in the country - all of a sudden you've made a 'name' for yourself!

The YPSI is a creature but I don't think it's a native to Australia - I think it was imported from Europe and was the cause for many a sailor to give up the sport and never again go into the water. In fact, my first ever outing was cursed by a YPSI and its just shear luck, for us all, I didn't give it up there and then.

Uncle Mike

PS a big mention to the young boy wizard Harry Potter whose first foray on his new woody on the weekend was a spectacular success (he asked for a mention)

Q)Dear Uncle Mike,

Firstly I would like to complement you on such an imformative forum. I have learnt so much from your obvoiusly limitless windsurfing knowledge. Therefore I am prompted to ask the following question. I currently am the proud owner of TWO Windsurfers! The first is a Bombora Dromadary (including pro model Kanga fin) the my other light wind board is a Ypsi Wayler with a Footy fin. I know either board sails very fast with my current rig (a 6.3 Warp Speed 1985).

But my question is if I want to beat you and that softy Sam Parker at the next NSW State Formula Titles should I use the kangafin or the footy fin for the long upwind stretches?

I looked on your photos and there is something wrong with everyones sails cause they are all loose at the top. If you ask nicely I could lend you my rig so you can feel some true power. Trust me you will lap Sambo!

C Yall at Botany Bay - Sydney

Best Regards

Fat Bastard

AUS 1111

Q)Dear FB,

You're obviously a man of unique taste being able to enjoy this forum - for that you're awarded with Letter of the Week (I'm sure we would have awarded it to you even if we received more than one letter, apart from that whingeing Marmong fella). But I fear you might be lulled into a false sense of security with the Ypsi, despite the high performance fin. Have you tried or even thought about one of the classy missiles from the vast array of boards from TC?? Rumour has it that the crazy kids from TC are thinking of getting back into the market, particularly excited by the Formula concept.

Apparently the TC Brycer is a corker for those crowded start lines (for more info, rush into your local windsurfing shop and ask for the latest TC catalogue - tell 'em Uncle Mike sent you!).

As for what selection of fin to use to try and beat Sam and I - either should do to beat Sam (but take it easy on the poor bugger, he's been diagnosed with Parkerson's). But to beat me....do you think I'm that trustworthy to give you advice on that?? Just don't use the footy fin....ooops, did I give too much away?

Hmmmm, see you at the states! Uncle Mike

Q)Dear Uncle Mike,

I'm very concerned about a friend of mine. Recently the party to end all parties was held. Lots of single women(70 - 30 ratio), free alcohol, food,and music. When questioned if said friend was attending, the lame answer was "My new TV is being delivered tonight". Unfortunately he missed out on his TV, and it would seem on the women!!!! For a self proclaimed Wild Man of Windsurfing, I fear he is going soft. We in the windsurfing community are afraid that he'll succumb to the "New Radical" ailment. What can be done??? Bob Marmong

Dear Uncle Mike,

My e-mail to this site a few days ago was written in good faith and I believe I raised some valid points that needed response, and yet you seem to have ignored it. I couldn't imagine getting treated this way by Kevin Ozee and that lovely Ian Fox on the Drops site. I hope to hear from you soon,

Robert Marmong.

Q)Dear Robert,

Don't get so tetchy, you need to relax man. Mr Ozee and Mr Fox are saints amongst men, they're there to serve the best interests of the people - I'm not sure how you have confused them with me!?

But let's get down to the issue at hand - I'm sensing that although you obviously care a great deal for your friend you're treating the matter quite emotionally (mixing the root of the concern from "I fear" to "we in the windsurfing community", getting impatient with the lateness of my response)- perhaps your concerns are coming from something that your not telling us or that you're not aware off. It seems to be really upsetting you - has this friend beaten you in anything lately? Are there feelings you have for this friend that are going unrequited? This may even be linking into the Morals you thought you might have been developing. Basically I don't think its your friend that's going soft at all - take a longer look in the mirror!

Uncle Mike