Submit any questions to unclemike@windsurfingnsw.com no matter how trivial, Uncle Mike will answer all questions

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed here are those of Uncle Mike only, and not those of The NSW Slalom Series. None of what Uncle Mike says will ever be endorsed by the NSW Slalom Series. Believe What Uncle Mike says at your own risk!!!

Q)Dear Uncle Mike,

Recently I travelled to NSW for the first time to compete at the Australian Slalom Championships and although I won the event, I don't feel I was treated with enough respect. For some reason, the other competitors kept calling me "Joel". At first I thought they were being Neighbourly, but as the regatta progressed, I realised they were taking the piss out of me!!! What should I do???

Yours Neighbourly, Wobbie (not Joel!!!)

Which one is Wobbie?

A)Wobbie,

Us 'easties' sometimes forget how much WA lags in a lot of the things we take for granted, like modern TV programs. Joel is actually a TV character over here who looks like a complete dork and is prone to accidentally professing their love to complete strangers on the other end of phone lines - the similarity with yourself is uncanny. Once the Sullivans finish's up over there perhaps you too will get this TV series. But respect is something you have to earn, petty things like winning Aussie Championships will just determine the resolve of the mass's to take the piss out of you further.

The quickest way to earn it is to shout "noo Captain, I canna give it any more, I'm given it 110% az it iz!" around gybe marks, this has been employed by one of our young tigers over here and he's risen significantly in everybody's eyes (despite his horrible disfigurements).

Free product to the NSW lads from any of your sponsors will also help, particularly if it's of the beer variety. But don't get too despondent, your condition is not as bad as dancing to the New Radicals or Parkersons's disease, and respect is not something that too many of us get to enjoy.

Uncle Mike

Q)Dear Uncle Mike, I live in WA and was recently referred to your site by a friend. Overall it would seem that windsurfingnsw has put a lot of time and effort into making a fairly impressive web site, which prompted me to ask why Windsurfing WA has not done the same. But then, silly me, it finally occurred to me, the wind actually blows over here, so everyone with an interest in windsurfing is spending their time windsurfing, not nerding around computers.

By the way, is there any truth to the rumour that you are the man who invented the famous Wollongong war cry "Wooly Wooly Wooly, Oy Oy Oy!"?

Regards, Roger Newberry

A)Dear Roger,

It's great to get feedback from interstate on our little website, particularly as I didn't realise WA had got upto the stage of being able to use computers let alone the internet - you must all be very excited.

As for the rumour, alas I cannot claim any credit for the cry at all. Some say it originated from the great Doug Wollongong who hacked his way down the escarpment all those years ago to begin a community with visions of busty and bubbly beer and even bustier and bubblier woman. But unfortunately it stems from the contingent of whingeing pommy gits the Wollongong region is so inflicted with, trying unsuccessfully to spread their soccer chants to the local windsurfing scene. Fortunately, we have been able to ship the offending hooligans over to WA.

Hoping you'll stay there, Uncle Mike

Q)Dear Uncle Mike, Recently I've been hit with a bit of a moral dilemma and seeing I'm a little bit lacking in that department I thought I come straight to you.

The problem is an associate of mine whose name I'll keep to myself recently came to me and asked me to "Bryce" certain elements of the fleet on the start line at our next race meet. Normally I wouldn't hesitate in helping this guy out but lately I've been a little hesitant on the topic. Could it be that I'm developing morals? What should I do?

By the way I just want to send out a little love to anyone out there with Parker-sons disease. I'm close to a few people with this debilitating illness and it's not their fault. Also a little heads up to the racers out there who battle Teret's on a daily basis. You know who the fcuk you are.

All the best, Bob Marmong.

A)Dear Bob,

Well, I'm not sure if you've come to the right man, I'm completely lacking in moral fibre and would be the sort of person asking you to take some one out (although to Bryce someone is a bit harsh, even I wouldn't do such a thing). I'm also a bit dubious at your claims of developing morals!! Surely not, I've witnessed some of your work and at the time, common decency and morality weren't exactly the first things that sprung to mind. But to give you the benefit of the doubt lets ponder your question a while longer.........hmmmm.......I'm still dubious at your claims of developing morals!!

But lets see, it really depends on the elements in question. A lot of the time it's the good and innocent ones that are victims to foul play. I remember a recent event when 1% of the fleet was minding their own business on the start line, and the remaining 99% of the fleet decided to stuff up this poor unfortunates start just because he happened to be on a different tack to them. This sort of discrimination of minorities is disgusting in my view and cannot be condoned in anyway. But if it was someone like Murray or Rick - yeh, take the bugger out.

But the question you ask is what should I do? And by that I mean about the concept of developing morals and yes we must stamp that out ASAP, a very disturbing trend. First of all, I want you to have a good long hard look at yourself in the mirror - it ain't going to be pretty - that pathetic person is you.

Secondly, if you ever have the compulsion to make yourself a cup of tea and sit and listen to ABC classical FM or feel the need to search out Mormons and invite them into your home (these things go hand in hand with morality), instantly crack open a beer and put on the 'New Radicals'. Once you feel better after this step I want you to go and give the lads at Eastcoast Boardriders a visit, a good sit with these disturbed soles will rid you of this morality thing quicker than you can ask "is that Drops MB15 for sale?".

I am a bit touched at your message of love to those with Parkersons - a hideous infliction and these poor little urchins need all the love and support we can give them (but off course I have no moral fibre so as far as I'm concerned they can bugger off and look after themselves)

Hope this helps! Uncle Mike

Q)Dear Uncle Mike, love your photo. Where did you get the groovy hat, do you windsurf in coal mines? Being a tart of the most lascivious type I just have to express my deep attraction towards your gorgeous manly physique and unruly boyish hair. I know that a man of the world such as yourself won't take this the wrong way. I just want your body, I don't care about your inability to gybe as well as you should or even your industrial strength aftershave. Can you find the time to indulge me in a purely sexual affair. I would be prepared to give you sailing lessons on my old beacher & also free fashion advice as I always read the Lowes catalogues, which, quite frankly, you could benefit from. Love, Disturbed but Blonde

A)Bruce Healey, you are a very disturbed and sick individual - I can gybe quite well thank you very much. Get help! Uncle Mike

Q)Dear Uncle Mike, Just a very quick question. Is there any truth in the rumour that you are in fact Phil McGain's love child? I know that this is very personal but I just need to know. Regards Andrew

A)Andrew, Andrew, Andrew. Yes, that is a very personal question. But I must admit, in a Luke Skywalker / Darth Vader way, I am the love child of Phil McGain. It pains me to admit that as for years I have tried to turn him back to the good side and get rid of that ridiculous hat! But alas I fear I have failed. So stuff him! Uncle Mike

Q)Have you seen my garage ? There are so many 4.0's, even some 3.5's All fully cambered, mostly Spanier customs..all pretty fast..all not used since about '93. How does the council afford to pay you to do that kinda stuff ? CU... IF

A)The symbolism between 4.0 race sails and those difficult to ask questions goes way beyond an analogy - it is known fact that there is scientific link between such said sails and such said questions. Seeing you have 'so many' of these sails it suggests you are a very disturbed individual! Possibly even reside in Victoria, and may need to concede that you need help. But don't fear tiger - take all the small sails and throw them in the garbage, throw in all your Starboards as well, move to NSW and buy yourself a Drops. You should be right as rain in no time! Uncle Mike

Q)Uncle Mike, I'm confused.... I have just read Matt Pritchards article about overtaking people in a car, on a bike or even walking down the street.... I don't know about anyone else but there's no way I could over take someone if they were in their car, on their bike or even walking down the street...learning to gybe is one thing but you would need to be Laird Hamilton to do that sort of stuff on a windsurfer, even if it was slalom kit...

A)Ewan, you raise some valid points. I too have never overtaken a car or a bike or even someone walking - my sailboard generally goes on water and I'm not so sure how it would go on land. I fear young Matt may have been overexposed to the New Radicals. Or perhaps he may have even contracted the rare Parker-son's disease where the sufferer is prone to significant mind lapse's - like leaving mobile phones in the pocket of your board shorts before going sailing, or just leaving it in a taxi......or thinking the human body is unbreakable whilst drunken wrestling. Unfortunately there is no cure for Parkerson's disease. For now Ewan, I'd suggest to ignore the cars and bikes and concentrate on staying on the water (and upright). Uncle Mike

Q)Uncle Mike, Given your response can I take it that in addition to them taking the piss out of my accent the also taking the piss out of my gybing too? Could you suggest a good clinic for this type of problem? Yours anonymously.

A)anonymously, how quickly you picked up on the subtle lack of gybing ability inference! I’m sure many of your peers are very nervous at your interest at learning to gybe – much amusement has been had at the spectacular mark splatterings that have gone on. But I must reward your interest with some tips;

1) the night before a gybing session needs to be dominated by beer drinking – if you concentrate too hard whilst gybing your likely to stuff up – a good dousing of beer the night before should clear the mind the next day

2) shout ‘noo cap’ain, I canna give it any more, I’m given it 110% az it iz!’ at the top of your voice before commencing the gybe – it won’t help the gybe at all but it will be piss funny for those around you and they’re likely to fall off and give you a completely unhindered path around the mark

3) ride a yellow coloured board – apparently those people who ride yellow boards “love them” – and they seem to get around the corners very well.

4) And most importantly - buy anyone called Mike a beer at every event

Follow these four golden rules and you’ll be shredding around marks quicker than you can say "Ock Aye the Nou!” Uncle Mike

Q) Uncle Mike, firstly I'd just like to say - love the program man, long time reader, first time writer. I was hoping you might be able to provide some advice for me and my gil. Sometimes when we go out at night, and a certain song is played (its used on one of those tv add's - its actually kinda cool man), we instantly break into public display's of synchronised daggy dancing. Its really quite embarrassing man, I normally have this real manly persona and now all the boys think I'm a bit of a woos. Any thoughts 'bro? BM(AUS080)

A) Ahhhh!!! I suspect this might be an attack of the 'New Radicals'. Not uncommon, I've seen this quite often. Together with the Bee Gee's and Womack & Womack, the New radicals form what's known as the Axis of Evil. Its lucky you haven't started to try some Christopher Walken dance moves which some other unfortunate windsurfing soles have been busted trying. Once you've reached the walken stage its all too late, but I think we may have got to you just in time. What you'll need to do is go out and buy a Bee Gee's CD and listen to it constantly until you can't take it any more (might take up to 5 minutes, any longer - consult a doctor) and you should be cured for life. Try to avoid 80's retro parties, and any board of a yellow colour, for a period of six months. Best of luck 'bro! Uncle Mike.

Q) Uncle Mike, I have this thick scottish accent, mainly I think because I'm scottish, and all people ever ask me is "can you say 'noo cap'ain, I canna give it any moore, I'm given it 110% az it iz!'?" and I'm just a wee bit bothered by it. What doo you think I should doo? anonymous

A) ahhh EP...oops I mean anonymous. Often, taking time out of hunting Hagis, I've gazed over the moors and pondered "the scottish accent...geez its piss funny". I think you just have to be thrilled with the knowledge that the Scots are here to entertain the world. My only other advice is if you ever learn how to gybe, the instances of people taking the piss may drop significantly. Uncle Mike