I don't know about you, but I love/live to laugh. I have gathered some humorous stories and jokes.
If you have one that you just know will just crack me up, then by all means click on the e-mail icon, and mail it to me.
I promise to give credit where it's due.
How do you get out of here?
There are 2 guys and 1 girl in a deep hole. The girl knows how to get out, but the guys don't. And, like typical men, before asking for directions they try everything. They try to jump out, they try to climb out. Finally, one guy figures he might as well ask the girl. So he goes up to her and asks "How do you get out of here?" and she says "Screw me and I'll tell you." So he does, and she tells him, and he gets out! So the next guy thinks "Hmmm that worked." So he goes and asks "How do you get out of here?" and she says the same thing, "Screw me and I'll tell you." And he does, and she tells him, and he gets out! So,wanna know how they got out?....... Screw me and I'll tell you!!
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:
Better to be safe than .... punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ... bug is close
You can lead a horse to water but ... how?
Don't bite the hand that ... looks dirty.
No news is ... impossible.
A miss is as good as a ... Mrs.
You can't teach an old dog ... math.
If you lie down with dogs, you ... will stink in the morning.
Where there is smoke, there's ... pollution.
Happy is the bride who ... gets all the presents.
A penny saved is ... not much.
Children should be seen and not ... spanked or grounded.
You get out of something what you ... see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind ... get out of the way.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and ... you have to blow your nose.
Four married guys go golfing over the weekend and on Sunday during the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued.
First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend.
What's the deal?" Fourth Guy: "That's easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I give the wife a poke and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' and she says, 'Wear your sweater.'"
The top ten party games for seniors
1. Sag, You're It!
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
4. Kick the Bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
6. Doc, Doc Goose
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
8. Hide and Go Pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical Recliners Abra-cadabra!...(thanks Angie)
During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, the man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?"
"I could tell you, sir," the magician answered, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a short pause, the man yelled back,
"Ok, then... just tell my wife!"
