A Season of Wither

4.21.02

I've been trying to think of a good way to do a first entry to this
(my on-line journal). It has occurred to me that the only way anyone will
be remotely interested in my life is if I first tell them about myself, my
past, and my possible future.

I'm the one that everyone tells to get a job. Perhaps that just
comes at this age, 17, or maybe it's just because of my situation.
Unlike many people my age, I'm not lucky enough to have parents that
wish to support me so that I can get my life on track. Part of which is
understandable, since my mother died two years ago, she really can't
be here to help me get through this intimidating, "Boy Meets World,"
period that I'm going through. Ah yes, the real world does exist, not
only does it exist, but it has smacked me in the face, a rude
awakening of sorts. All of a sudden I need to worry about bills, rent,
food.

I am a high school drop out. At the end of my Junior year, I quit
going for several reasons. One, I didn't have nearly enough credits to
graduate the following year. The social politics of high school were
unbearable as well and only helped convince me that I didn't belong in
the American school system. I'm planning to take my GED sometime
before I turn 18, yet another issue the people in my life are constantly
hounding me for. Not that I don't understand why, people are
concerned about me, however their pressure is not only unhelpful, it's
frustrating. The only thing people offer me is grief about my position in
life, never do they come up with options.

Speaking of options in life, they are extremely limited. At the
moment I receive survivor benefits from my mother's passing. I've
survived on these benefits for the past 2 years. One ill thing bodes in
the future however, when I turn 18, these benefits cease. Nearly
everyday I wake up and realize how much closer I am to being
penniless. Many of you reading this are probably wondering, "Why
don't you just get a job?" Let me assure you, if I had the qualifications,
means of transportation, or even the wardrobe to look presentable at
a job, I would get one in a heart beat. One thing that irks me is the fact
that I can type 90 words a minute, with relatively impressive accuracy,
and yet the only thing people seem to want to offer me are jobs
involving manual labor. None the less though, I take those jobs,
despite there unreliable pay and hard hours.

Throughout my life there have only been a few people that I
could say actually understand me and could relate to me. That's
probably a normal thing, and in that case, it's just a bittersweet fact of
life. Bittersweet since you can't relate to everyone, but yet get to
experience the joy of finding those few people you can be around
without feeling like an alien.

I'm not really as curmudgeon as I may be
coming off. In reality I'm quite the opposite, it's just that
lately life has thrown me for a loop, and I have yet to
find a way to recover. I know one thing though, I'll keep
looking until I find it.

Inspiration doesn't come easily to me, nor does
motivation. However when either do come to me, I fully
exhaust them, for I know their immense value. Alright,
it's late now, I'm beginning to sound draconic, I'm going
to bed.

4.25.02

I've discovered some great music, by an artist named Nikka Costa.
Of course that probably isn't her real name, you know how
pretentious singers can be. However that's not the issue. She has a
lot of really insightful songs, but possibly the strangest aspect of her
music is that it's put to a mellow jazz/dance beat. A real foot tapper.
If you're interested, I suggest searching for, "Everybody Got Their
Something" or, "So Have I For You" on whichever P2P program you
use to download your illegal MP3's. Pirate!

For the past two days my father was supposed to take me to pay
the price for taking the GED. I would go by myself, but unfortunately
my sole form of transportation is through him. I'm sure he thinks I'm
just putting it off, but I actually want to get the test out of the way,
finally. I don't want to push the issue too much though, as he has had
a very busy week and savors what little free time he gets to enjoy.

I need a job. This is an understatement. I need a life. I sort of
screwed up the social areas of high school, so now I have no
friends that I talk to on a regular occasion, much less go out and do
things with. I feel like my life is over before it's even begun. There I
go again, turning a situation that should be promising and life-
expanding into something negative and regretful. I think I'll get a job
at Burger King, it's right down the street, and even if I feel I have
more to offer to the world, it's convenient for me.