ORLANDO, Florida -- Disney pulled out all the stops this week to commemorate the September 11th tragedy on its one-year anniversary. Months of planning had gone into the event that, as one PR rep for Disney calls it, "gives the whole family a chance to get together, have some fun, by overpriced merchandise, and remember that fateful day". To accomplish this, Disney is rolling out an official 9-11 parade down Main Street every hour on the hour featuring an enlisted Mickey shooting a rocket launcher at frightened cave dwellers. Disney has also gone to a great expense to revamp "Pirates of the Caribbean" to its new theme, "al-Qaeda women and suicide bombers singing "Yo ho ho and broken bottles of rum and C4 strapped to my chest". Though Disney is hoping people would find the tribute to be uplifting, early viewings have been negative. Even one Disney employee commented that the whole thing "went beyond exploitive...extremely wrong"...then he put on a 45 pound Donald Duck outfit and sold 8 dollar chocolate shakes to 3 year olds.

MIAMI, Florida -- Miami-Dade County Public Schools opened their doors this week, and thousands of students returned ready for a new school year. This has nothing to do with the educational standards being driven by Bush's "No Child Left Behind" however. This feeling of assuredness comes from the 3 weeks of guerrilla warfare training many students participated in as a way to feel more confident for the new school year. Students learned how to shoot weapons, make a shiv out of a notebook, and how to break someone's kneecap without leaving a bruise. The summer program, called "Kill or Be Killed: A Public School Survival Guide", became very popular once students learned that they could get an "A" in the class just for showing up.

NEW YORK, New York -- Beset by plummeting poll numbers and rookie missteps, former federal Housing Secretary Andrew Cuomo withdrew from the governor's race this week, saying he refused to sign off on a last-resort strategy of attacking his opponent so close to Sept. 11. All this took a backseat, however, to the real drama that unfolded in the public restroom attached to the meeting hall where Cuomo broke the news. Former President Bill Clinton, who was there to help support Cuomo, happened to walk in on the governor-wannabe while he was...well...talking to a certain part of body that rhymes with Meenis. Clinton averted his eyes but soaked in the conversation, wishing he had the same type of relationship with his...ummmm....Fleenis. Says Clinton of his Penis...that is...his Weeenis..."I'm her slave…no talking is involved…just listening".

MIRAMAR, Florida -- With confidence in Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan's ability to help uplift America's stumbling economy coming into question, more and more people have been flocking to see someone who's advice and opinions have maintained a staggeringly accurate rate of validity; the crazy red bitch who roams the streets of Miramar. The crazy red bitch (CRB), who was accompanied by a horn blower, said that central bank colleagues couldn't have prevented the 1990s stock market bubble because raising interest rates to control share prices might have sent the economy into recession, but that things are starting to look better. Then she puked all over a tourist and peeled a layer of skin off her nipples. "No low-risk, low-cost, incremental monetary tightening exists that can reliably deflate a bubble," CRB said in a speech to Miramar's Federal Reserve Bank's annual economic conference. Her comments were the most extensive response to critics who have blamed the central bank and its chairman for failing to take a stance and let CRB live in the Governor's mansion with her 5 roosters and twin pet raccoons named "touchie" and "feelie". The Governor was unavailable to comment for this story.