AFGHANISTAN -- A cache of al-Qaeda videotapes being aired by CNN this week is "visual confirmation" of Osama bin Laden's most disturbing reason for declaring war on the United States; he felt scorned after being turned down for a weekend anchor position with CNN. On one particularly disturbing videotape, bin Laden can be seen repeating the phrase "Jalahleelaylahlooloo" over and over for a full 4 hours. Translators identified that the phrase, once thought to be a threat against the US, actually means, "And now, with your health update, here's Dr. Gupta". On another tape he appears drunk while playing games with a chroma-keyed weather map. CNN wouldn’t comment on their decision not to hire bin Laden, but our resources tell us “(bin Laden was) too ethnic and greasy...if people want that they can tune in to Geraldo”.

DAVIE, Florida -- The Census Bureau of Broward County released an alarming statistic this week; demand for the hairstyle known as "the mullet" has increased by over 200 percent in Davie, Florida. Davie, known for its rodeos and inter-family marriages, has always been considered an obvious flashpoint for this kind of abomination; however experts never predicted that the trend would spread so quickly. John Taylor, a local marketing analyst from Weston, also noted that in the past 4 months demand for the video "Deliverance" and "David Duke for President" bumper stickers have been nothing short of ravenous. At this rate experts predict that Davie will devolve into a gray lump of plasma and chewing tobacco by 2007.

LOS ALAMOS, New Mexico -- In an increasing lame effort for nerds to justify federal dollars to support their need to look into microscopes, researchers identified the gene that enables people to identify genes. Gene 12f4r67302j;1kj27, named that way so no one could possibly remember it, was found after it was determined that finding the gene that prevents cancer was "too darn hard". Those missing the gene-identifying-gene have all been documented as being very confused when looking at complicated gene maps. Says one researcher, "Dude...they have NO--FUCKING--CLUE!!!"

ORLANDO, Florida -- There's no story here...just wanted you to think about it...go ahead...think about it... what's up with that? I mean, she married a regular old guy, right? How come she didn't marry me? I might've done it...you know...to make her feel better about herself... like a charity. I mean, what's her problem? She must have issues or something.