The Unabridged History of the JELLO Brothers

My fellow JELLO Brothers, I have a great announcement to make: thanks to the exhaustive and extensive research of PB&J historian extraordinaire (Not) the Atomic Playboy, much of the forgotten history and origins of the JELLO Brothers has been revealed. Please, enjoy this amazing trip down the ancient highways and byways of our ancient JELLO Forefathers, as transcribed by (Not) the Atomic Playboy.

501 years ago, on a cold September morning, our Ancient JELLO Forefathers gathered together and formed the single most powerful, the single most feared, the single most undocumented cult/conspiracy in the not-yet-formed United States. Below is a brief rundown of our ancient history based on records we have recovered from the times of yore, when men were men, and women were also men, Gods walked around in loin cloths.

[We also believe this to be the same time which heralded the clandestine formation of the Srethorb OLLEJ, if they exist...]

On May fifth, 1555, the Million JB March proved that we could unite against a higher oppressor: common sense. The day rang with our rallying cry: "No laceration without defenestration!"

On June first, 1604, Buttwad the Great planted a tree that would one day be cut down to build the Sacred Table, home base, head quarters, hind quarters, field trip point of departure, and safe haven for JELLO Brothers.

On April first, 1677, JELLO Brothers joined the Battle of Buttress and aided in the repelling of pirates from the waters of Butt Bay. The JELLO Brothers made a new enemy that day, the sky pirates. These 'arrr' saying swashbuckling sea-sissies took to their airships and lead a counter-attack on sacred JB land, wiping out uncounted curse words written in the sands of the shore, and butchering dozens of helpless jokes. It was a sad sad day that we lost Butt Bay.

[[It is believed the Srethorb OLLEJ provided support for the Butt Pirates of Butt Bay.]]

On St. Swithen's day of 1680, the Butt Pirates of Butt Bay declared themselves as a counter-organization. Our first real enemy was made. Jillions of JELLO Brothers came out of the woodwork to help us fight our new enemies. The bards still sing ballads of the deeds of that day. The JELLO Brothers crushed their first splinter-counter-organization under the merciless heel of our boot. Victory was ours!

On April First, 1700, the first great JB Cataclysm began. No records have survived documenting the events that transpired on this terrible day, but history tells us that after the sun set, the JELLO Brothers were no more. A truly sad day.

One cold September morning in 1998, the five direct descendents of the original five JELLO Brothers sat down at the sacred JELLO Brother table and rediscovered their shared history. Hidden within the table itself was a long and aged scroll documenting the forgotten lore of the JELLO Brothers. I joined hands with my brethren and sealed the day in history as the date of the JELLO Reformation. We, the JB Duramus, aspire to make the new JELLO Brothers as magnificent as the old ones. And to avoid cow mail boxes at all costs.

I propose a toast: to the next 500 years.
For the laws. For the holydays. For the world!
JELLO Brothers Forever!


THE REVOLUTION

Every great alliance of independent thinkers has to undergo a severe event in order to solidify itself in the minds of others. The REVOLUTION was that moment for the reborn JELLO Brothers.
Unfortunately, some explanation is needed to bring this point across. Originally, the reborn JELLO Brothers was organized into ranks, as portrayed on the never-updated original site.
The rank system was designed merely as an organization system. But the number system implied that someone in rank 3, for instance, was better than someone in rank 4 or 5, which simply wasn't the case. It basically was there to show WHEN the person joined our group. Nothing more.
Then, a rumor started. "The JELLO Brothers won't let us leave the group" was the gist of it. Many people became upset, and, on a fateful day in November, the shit hit the fan.
Approximately SIXTY of the then-slightly-more-than-sixty members left the JELLO Brothers.
A weekend of silence left many uncertain as to the future, or even continued existence, of the JELLO Brothers.
New discovery!! An actual lost document from the Revolution, brought to us by Council Member Midget Thunder!!
To all members of the JELLO Brothers:
The power hungry Rank 1's who wouldn't let our friends and peers leave the JELLO Brothers, who protest with silence. Some of these people have spoken to me of their gripes and what they want. They all want something that we already have, but are being deprived of: Freedom. (Braveheart flash-back) The freedom to choose whether or not to be a JELLO Brother. Inadvertantly these people have started a revolution against the Rank 1 members. I, as the leader of the secret police, have made a personal oath to save the JELLO Brothers. I propose to all you protesters an idea which I have been toying with. I say we overthrow this regime with a new one. A capitalist/communist/democratic society. Sounds odd, I know, but listen. A society without Ranks, but we all decide what happens through a council of people chosen by you, who have no power over you. A cult of the individual, classless society who decide their own fate. Personal rights will be preserved with the writing of a constitution for this new regime. I am open to any ideas thrown at me(not too hard, please), but need your help in overthrowing our current system.
The rank 1's are not gods, though they seem to think so, and I intend to prove it! Sincerely, your friend and equal,
Midget Thunder


THE RENAISSANCE

Thankfully, the following Monday, things were straightened out. The rank system was abolished, and all but a handful of those who "revolted" returned to the group, and were accepted back with open arms.
The JELLO Brothers had triumphed over their darkest conflict in their short-lived new history, with minor bruises, and a more cautious and understanding outlook on relations within the group.
The JELLO Duramus was also formed, the group of the founders of the JELLO Brothers, to keep records and keep the group's activities running smoothly.
No JELLO Brother had to fear feelings of inferiority towards another member, and the group became stronger than ever.


A NEW THREAT LURKS...FOR THE FUTURE...

As for the future, the JELLO Brothers appear as prosperous as ever. In this, soon to be our third completed year as a reborn Brotherhood, we have much to celebrate. Members continue to join our swelling ranks, and are greeted with open arms, and frustratingly-long waits for their webpages...the council is more diverse than ever...and a new Olympics for the Spring or Summer is always possible...but yet, not all is idyllic...

For (Not) the Atomic Playboy, resident historian of the JELLO Brothers encountered a man named Clad Darkly...
He claimed to be from an organization called the Srethorb OLLEJ. No mere counter-organization, the Srethorb OLLEJ were a full-blown conspiracy against the JBs. Working in secret, they served as the Sith to our Jedi, the Project to our Mulder and Scully, the Illuminati to our everyone else in the World.
The man, also known as Dark Cladly, admitted that they were responsible for the poor weather that forced postponements of the Second Olympics. They put chemicals into our water that make us forget holidays. They were there at the Battle of Buttress. And they were present for the Great JELLO Cataclysm.
The man, also known as Cad Dickley, Clard Dadly, Dad Clarkly, and any other combination of those letters, then vanished. The whole experience is described here. It seems like they're looking to force upon us a Second Great Cataclysm...but this time, we're ready...Columbo is our battle cry, my fellow JELLOs, COLUMBO!