My Favorite Quotations

My favorite quotations (or at least the ones that occur to me and that I can fit on here), sorted by category (such an intriguing concept). Funny, philosophical, and bumper stickers. And don't blame me for any Spanish-style quotation marks, I just work here. And I do mean work.

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Amusing anecdotes and observations (ooo, alliteration!)

• There are three kinds of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can't.
• Bob's Third Law of Sports: Whenever a sport or team is mentioned in a large enough group of people (20-odd does the trick), no matter what the sport or how well the team has been doing, someone will always pipe up with <<(Insert sport or team here) stinks.>>
• The beatings will continue until morale improves.
• Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!
• Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
• Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis, on the charge that he'd profit from a bill he'd introduced. 'I'd just make a little bit of money, I wouldn't make a whole lot.'
• Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
• Eighth Hypothesis of Song-Writing: 'Charms' is always paired with 'arms'. The reverse is nearly true, as I know of only 1 exception (which I can't recall right now. 'Arms' is rhymed with 'alarms' I think).
• There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who can use binary, and those who can't. --wychwood
• A committee is a collection of individuals who individually can do nothing and who collectively decide nothing can be done.
• Teenage Love: The feeling you feel when you feel that the feeling you're feeling is a feeling you've never felt before.
• The habitual punster keeps track of a conversation the way a shark keeps track of a minnow.
• The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. --Mark Twain
• If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. If you give a man a stick of TNT, there will be little unidentifiable fish parts all over the village. --Jack Handy

Serious sayings

• When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.
• That which is popular is not always right; that which is right is not always popular.
• The foolish and wicked practice of profane cursing and swearing is a vice so mean and low that every person of sense and character detests and despises it. —George Washington
• People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid. —Kierkegaard
• The forest would be very quiet indeed if all the birds except the best singers kept silent.
• Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
• All generalities are false, including this one. —Dwight D. Eisenhower
• It really isn't necessary to say anything. I've discovered that the average man can tell all he knows in ten minutes, so why interrupt him? - Calvin Coolidge
• Keep your nose to the grindstone, your eye on the ball, your shoulder to the wheel, and your ear to the ground.
  
  Now try to work in that position.
• The man on the other side…was beginning to look ominously alien. He could not easily be dealt with, and perhaps it was best simply to lash out at him.
  …No single vote had been changed by it [the speech]; the Senate would decide…precisely as it would have done if he had kept quiet. But he had not been trying to persuade. No one was, these days; a political leader addressed his own following, not the opposition….

  —Bruce Catton in This Hallowed Ground, describing politics today—er, I mean, describing 1850's politics. Silly me…
  

• Science is a first-rate piece of furniture for a man's upper chamber, assuming he has common sense on the ground floor. —Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
• If you see ten troubles coming down the road, you can be sure that nine will run into the ditch before they hit you. —Calvin Coolidge
• A little philosophy inclineth man's mind to Atheism, but depth in philosophy bringeth man's mind about to religion. --Francis Bacon
• Change is not made without inconvenience, even from worse to better. —Richard Hooker
• Every era’s sports stars had foibles, but their antisocial side wasn’t the tone; it wasn’t the sell. Now, those who are the loudest, the most vulgar are anointed celebrity status. Again, the distinctions—the distinction between irreverent and crude—have been lost. —Bob Costas

Silly Stickers

• This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
• It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
• Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
• OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
• Forget World Peace - Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
• CAUTION: This vehicle may wreck or explode for no apparent reason.
• Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
• Visualize Whirled Peas