~*~Family Feud Quotes 2~*~

~*~Family Feud Quotes 2~*~

~*~Richard SAYS!~*~

Take me home, mate!

Here are a bunch of Family Feud quotes!
Last Updated: 24 August 2001.
eMail me at RichardDawsonFan@aol.com or PhilHartman49@aol.com
for comments, suggestions, additions, etc.

Family Feud Quotes Page 1

~*~Family Feud Quotes 2~*~

Family Feud

I think it's four pollies they have to kill to make one pair of [polyester] slacks. Betty White told me that. (FF)

Fabric slacks are made of....you said 'nylon.' The see-through kind is my favourite. (FF)

A food that people eat in bed....the number one answer is 'crackers,' which I believe both of you are today. (FF)

We could be close, couldn't we? Wait a minute, are you a married lady? ("Yes.") Oh, I beg your pardon. Is he here? ("No.") Then I can speak freely. (FF)

He called me sweetheart. I love show people. (FF)

I have an announcement to make. It's kinda serious. Owing to the shortage of breath spray and chapstick, I'm gonna have to curtail my kissing to the odd and even plan. (FF)

Boy oh boy, page 105 [of Little Women]. Will we ever forget that? Say no more. (FF)

[at the podium] They're both lovely. Which hand would you like up there? Rascal. (FF)

Besides me, Richard Dawson, name a famous Richard. (FF)

They've changed partners. They're going to dance for the five grand, right after we watch this. (FF)

Jewel you find in a crown....don't take you guns to town, Ruby. (FF)

Something you'd see at Liberace's house and a bullfight....you said 'cape.' (FF)

[kisses girl] (Oh you tickle!) I just did that so neither of us would get aroused. (FF)

What is love? I'd hate to tell you the difference Barbra, we'd be right off the air. (FF)

Don't come to me with your hard luck stories. (FF)

Didn't hear the question? What the hell are you plotting over here? (FF)

An antacid? You mean for the tummy? (FF)

I don't know, but I think it's gotta be birth control. I was a posterboy, as you recall, for two years in a row. (FF)

A big hit song, a tool everyone uses....[sings] If I Had A Silverware. (FF)

But you should read whether the television's broken or not. Always read. (FF)

Some of that sewing will run away. (FF)

You can't cook at all? Well they were too young to know what garbage you were serving up. (FF)

Rex, it may be there, but I have to tell you honestly, you're a very weird person. (FF)

Now listen, by the way, if your television is broken at this moment and you can still hear me, go to Rex's place. He loves weird people. (FF)

My son has a band called the Midnight Eyes. He has a marvellously pretty song called "Sweet Susie" and we should give it to you. You'd like it. Even if you don't, you should take it. We're stuck with about nineteen copies. (FF)

I picked a bad time to lie, didn't I? (FF)

I think we've had a couple of ladies who've wept here a couple a'times. Once when I kissed them and.... (FF)

[about bowling] I had a 300 game. Of course it took me three games to get it. (FF)

(I'm not under cover much anymore.) Well you're, oh that's at home. [crowd woo's] Heel! (FF)

You got 88, you just, well you can see you just need 112 and an earth tremor. (FF)

I just wanna take a couple seconds out here to say that we have the greatest time in the world on this show and your response, you know, is absolutely marvellous, but the whole world recently lost a lot of very special people who bring love into the world. People like Freddie Prince, Elvis, Groucho, and a dear man that I worked for, for six years in Hogan's Heroes, Mister Bing Crosby. And we're gonna miss them. They're good people. But I just know that every time we see the blue of the night and it meets the gold of the day, that Bing, somewhere is making a lot of people happy. Peace. (FF)

(They're all welchers.) People from Whales. (FF)

That'd be exciting, reading the will. To Richard and Rex, a pinto. (FF)

He took all the height. I hate people who do that. I had a brother that did that. (FF)

I would ask you [guy with 12 kids] about hobbies....you obviously have no time for hobbies. (FF)

Why don't you do it [kiss] on the porch? Well of course, dad's here. You don't wanna get into trouble. (FF)

That's the reason you shouldn't do it. You get a strike. (FF)

I always yell, "I'm not gonna jog anymore!" (FF)

[book inscription from family; RD changed it a bit] Dear Mr. Dawson, the world would be a better place without you and your kind. Prepare to meet thy doom. (FF)

Nevermind, I'm talkin' to your daughter. You keep outta this. (FF)

[an answer] Shave the legs. (FF)

Did you grow or am I standing in a hole? (FF)

Young man trying to screw himself in the ground. (FF)

[joke] My wife and I are seperated. Really? Yeah, she's in the bar and I'm over here. (FF)

[a room you go into when you get home from work--the closet] And you know, sometimes I don't come out. (FF)

Go in there, of course if you have no children you feel silly, but if it's there, OK. Is it there, the nursery? (FF)

Would you like a big lead? (FF)

[answer] DS....Drowsy Sex. (FF)

God has a lot of things to worry about darlin'. Don't involve God in game shows. Well, but I mean, don't ask him to make it there. Well he's got El Salvador to think of, and Reagan, and what Nancy's gonna wear next weekend. Alright darlin', if it's there, he will have listened. (FF)

You know you spit when you say that? (FF)

[money can't buy--love] I'll say gimme the money and I'll do the shopping myself. (FF)

[making up newspaper headline] Sal attacks emcee and carves "Woody Allen" in my chest. (FF)

I was over there. They never gave me anything. Well, they, you know, they did. A deportation order. (FF)

Stringed instrument....you said flute. [she said violin] I'm sorry. (FF)

Sled, named Rosebud. [with accent] There will be no performance of King Leer tonight. We will return. (FF)

You know why I never lose my shoes? (Cos you don't take them off?) No, I put them with my beanies. (FF)

$1,138 plus a foreign beanie. (FF)

[getting necklace out from under girl's colar] Please, allow me. I don't mind doing *some*thing. [he fixes necklaces and kisses her on the neck] (FF)

[woman said you find bamboo in the swamp] (Cypress trees.) [not there] The bamboo choked them all to death, honey. (FF)

[mosquitoes in the swamp] Carrying bamboo sticks. (FF)

That's the reason I wouldn't be going into a swamp. I'd find nothing in a swamp. (FF)

Now, this is no time for *good* answers gang. We want some *bad* answers, obviously. (FF)

[an appliance you miss--washing machine] Even when I'm away from home I write to it. I miss it so much. (FF)

(We know, Mr. Dawson.) Call me Richard. (FF)

[girl walks away from podium before they decided who was playing first; she comes back] We obviously said something to offend you. We want to appologize. (FF)

[something you save from your wedding--wedding dress] I saved mine. (FF)

I like her, she always tells me what things to eat with peanut butter. (FF)

They wanted her [Dolly Pardon] for a centerfold in uh, Playboy. They couldn't close the book. (FF)

[yells at guy] Times up! Oh, I'm sorry! (FF)

[guy said an answer that was already on the board] Do you actually get behind the wheel of a truck? Terrifying thought. Well, if you just call me and let me know the areas you're going, I'll avoid them. (FF)

[kisses girl] (Grandma's gonna be so jealous.) Give this to grandma. [kisses her again]. (FF)

[something little boys do] I thought like, getting dressed up in your parents clothes. That probably would be there. You know, little boys dress up in their mother's clothes. Well, they do! Well they, you know, and they're embarrassed when they're caught. I was caught last Thursday. (FF)

Pain and illness....my attornies. (FF)

Name something people like to snuggle up with in bed, and remember uh, game show hosts come in the heading of people [which was on the board already]. (FF)

Take a red grape to lunch and kick it. (FF)

Dogs. I love dogs. Dogs is the number one answer. (FF)

Something people brag about. You said, [funny voice] "Kids." I hate it when they brag about kids. You mean baby goats? Oh, baby children. You're cute. We're really gonna love it if 35 points are up there. So we'll take Greta Garbo to block. (FF)

I taught my dog to saw a woman in half. (FF)

That's a hell of a lot better than yours, old pal. (FF)

[about short woman] They asked her, "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" She said, "Small." (FF)

Let's just take a very common name, pretend you can't think of the first one, hope somewhere, someone became famous by the name of Brown. No dear, you're actually, your testing our intelligence here. But I'll give it a whirl. I'll certainly give it a whirl. We're looking for that great lawyer, living or dead, the honourary, Mr. Brown. (FF)

Anything you wanna take off? No, no, I just want you to be comfy. You never know, sometimes I get lucky. (FF)

[about jade] You have around your neck something I bought in Hawaii for somebody, which cost a lot of money. (FF)

You said, "Lingerie." I like your thinking. (FF)

[something you hate people tobring to church] Church, I hate that. I do. You sit there quietly and a big Doberman comes in and sits. You go to put the money in the plate and a big Saint Bernard grabs you arm. I *hate* it! (FF)

Keep that thought in mind obviously. Gimme dumb answers from now on. (FF)

[after squeezing girl's hand] I didn't mean to hurt your hand. I was routing for you. (FF)

[to losers] I know you hate me, but say you'll stay on. (FF)

Miss America won $806. Now, you need $3,000 before you can run, is that right? I'm gonna give you $3,000. (FF)

I'm an intruder! Give me everybody's money. (FF)

You've got nothing to worry about. [to pretty girl] *You* have cos I'm after you. (FF)

[to pretty girl] I'm holding a class later at my house. Wanna come by? Yeah, sing a little, nothing gawdy. We'll wear liatards. (FF)

[to girl about her boyfriend] Is he here? (No.) Oh, good! Wanna come to the lessons later? (FF)

Don't applaud yourself. (FF)

Speak up or he'll yell at me. Say, "I'm fine." [she speaks up and says it] Don't have to be so loud about it. (FF)

Well, good luck to you. [flicks guy's tie in the air and runs away] (FF)

[family got two strikes and he went to the other family by mistake] Why didn't you tell me it was two strikes? Why embarrass the host? [smacks guy on face] No, I know it was two strikes, I like keeping the staff here on their toes. (FF)

[after listening to woman with high voice] I think I just had my ears pierced again. (FF)

[something that gives off fumes, girl said, "Feet"] Not since Odor-Eaters came into town. (FF)

I've always been against sticking your nose at the exhaust pipe of a car or a bus, maybe they'll teach people a lesson. (FF)

Little Red Riding Hood, I think, should be getting out of the slammer very soon. Remember the Communist charge that was brought against her? (FF)

[finds out girl is young and in high school] Not a good day at all is it? Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. How old are you, my love? (Sixteen.) Oh, I could uh, end up in the slammer with Little Red Riding Hood, the way things were going. (FF)

[to divorced guy] This is why everything's falling apart in your love life. You gotta move faster. (FF)

Really big shoe! (FF)

[answer was--Bird "Doo"] You wouldn'ta got it honey. I wouldn'ta got it. (FF)

How mucha wedding costs, $1,000. It's plastic food if I recall. (FF)

[about the picture he drew on their card] You have $1,405 and a very rare picture of a seal. (FF)

I notice neither of you brought me anything, but nevermind. (FF)

[Betty jokes at podium] (I'm gonna stay here.) Get outta there! (FF)

[about wallpaper] I just had Snoopy done all over my-- (FF)

[to guy who is stumped on question] You have uh, 35 minutes. (FF)

[to Betty and other women] Yeah, maybe you shouldn't sit down dears, we're gettin' to the point in life where it takes us a little too long to stand up. (FF)

One of those folding chair things that you lean on. That's where I've been going wrong. I've been leaning on my sunglasses. (FF)

(Nuts.) I beg your pardon, sir? (FF)

(What in God's name comes in a jar?) I asked you first. (FF)

[peanut butter] It is kinda hard when you get to the bottom of it to get it out. I use a small dog. (FF)

I'm gonna die, I know that. It's, truely, I had a blue jacket and a yellow hat the other day and stood in the streets. Three people dropped film off. (FF)

Get rid of those four dead-beats, your gonna be a winner. (FF)

A dog, something warm, like Cujo. (FF)

Gotta get up pretty early in the morning to fool me with fruit and vegetables. (FF)

(Radishes.) Could you repeat that? (Radishes.) It's a joke dear. (FF)

[after guy plays banjo] Welcome to Hee-Haw! (FF)

Any ideas, my turtle dove? (FF)

[kisses woman] What a great job I've got. 'Course when I'm older, I'll widdle and chaw tobacco. (FF)

[about Walk Of Fame categories] When they get to Sulking, maybe I'll get one. (FF)

[about beating the other players] Don't do it, one of them's my boss. (FF)

[to Betty] Don't do this to me. [smacks himself] (FF)

[fear of snakes] Hiss-phobia we call it. (FF)

Fear of dying, yeah that can kill you. (FF)

Fear of dogs, or fear of blind dates is the technical thing. (FF)

[guy stutters] Uh, the end of that line is "What's up Doc?" (FF)

Is that a win? [numbers on scoreboard were missing] We had to deduct some for some expenses. (FF)

A part of the body you have two of? (I beg your pardon?) (FF)

Congratulations for resisting the obvious. (FF)

Name a chess piece? (Oh! You're funny!) (FF)

(It was my first time.) Oh, well, exactly. Was it good for you? Excuse me! (FF)

[about lady's husband who she said now, "Chews tobacco and widdles on a stick"] Chews on a stick and widdles tobacco. Golly! (FF)

[singing] I'm gonna sit right down, and chaw on some tobacc'a. I've got an album coming out, right after this. (FF)

[about running out of gas] Go to the nearest Taco Bell if that ever happens. (FF)

[sugar] Got me into more neighbor's houses than you'd believe. (FF)

[about running out of toilet paper] What luck. (FF)

[about actors being more admired than you think they deserve to be] Yoyo's like me and the Fonz. (FF)

Chicken noodle. How they force the noodles outof the chicken, I will never know. (FF)

[Gene asked RD if he had the answer; checking pockets] I did when I came in. Would you accept a dollar instead? (FF)

And may I say what a nice looking audience it is. Certainly a cut above the rubbish we had the last two shows. (FF)

Well I'd be fighting about not making love, wouldn't you? (FF)

All of this whole family, they have these, little nerdy sorta things, for luck, in case you think they're eating marshmellows or something. What are these called? (Fuzzy Wuzzies.) Uh, sure. [shakes head in disbelief] (FF)

Here's my card, why don't you gimme a call when you have it. I'll be in the Valley. Three seconds. I'll give her three seconds when I want to. (FF)

If you can't say something good.... (Don't say anything at all.) Well, I won't then. (FF)

[little boy came up onstage and did his gunshot impression and RD wiped his eye off cos he got spit on] I love little kids. [makes a face]. (FF)

[a guy gave him chewing tobacco last time and he offered RD more] I'd rather have Jonathon [the gunshot kid] spit in my eye again. (FF)

[woman goes back to her family after she gives final answers] Ah, let her stay there. Let her stay there, I've never done it like this. [she comes back] I knew she'd come crawling back. (FF)

How long a person stays on a diet, I woulda said 14 days. (FF)

[singing] I left my heart.... [Betty says, "It was not a request dear."] Oh, sorry. (FF)

Nothing like coming home to a crazed staving Doberman. (FF)

[Alexander Hamilton] I got a toaster he made. (FF)

I gotta get a room. (FF)

J.C. Penney freak, you. (FF)

My cat loves a good, I tell him a good yarn nearly every night and, honestly, he, you're right, he really loves that. Dying of malnutrition but he loves the story. [girl asked if he was in a bad show on that network] How dare you. Was I? No. (FF)

[guy was supposed to just sound the buzz but the bell sounded too] That was excellent except for the bell. (FF)

I do not, dye my hair. I do occasionally tint my body. (FF)

Lori, are you married? (No.) Good, then I can speak freely. Come to my place right after the show. (FF)

Some day I'm gonna have one of those, I think I woulda said The Supremes. (FF)

Say "I swear." (I swear.) Don't swear on television! (FF)

What the hell are you doing? You've got $13,000 and you're gonna cheat? (FF)

[kiss] (Woo!) Control yourself. (FF)

Something teenagers in high school do between classes and you said, "They kiss." I hated my boys doing that. (FF)

[after asking girl if lots of people get married at 14 and she said it depends on what you feel like] Well, I only said that last night. (FF)

[sex] I knew if I waited long enough, my answer would be there. (FF)

[gym at a hotel] Not the one I uh, the one I had a guy came in and threw me up and down against the wall, but it's, it's the same principle. (FF)

[about hotels] Some of them let, uh younger members stay for free, don't they? Children free? I think under 21. I know they're strict. [calls for answer] Four! [kids free] There! That's that hotel, remember? They gave me three kids for nothing. (FF)

Yeah he doesn't do it [Tonight Show] anymore, as you [guy offstage] won't be doing *this* anymore, by the way. Particularly if you keep interrupting me. (FF)

[girl says she doesn't wanna get lipstick on him] I don't mind. [kiss] Put some on my collar. (My husband will kill me.) Oh! Well that's good, as long as he kills *you* it's uh, when they get me, I'm terrified. Well, no, I mean, he knows we're not, getting involved, we're just-- (That's just fine.) Right. (He's not a jealous person.) He does understand that too? (I hope so.) And he isn't jealous? (Uh, sometimes.) [RD jumps] (I like him to be a little jealous.) Well sure, but not of me! (Well.) No, no truely, I-- (Well unless I give him reason to.) Uh, no no, what's his name? [she tells him] Joe, I swear to you, there'll never be a reason that I would make you jealous-- (FF)

[after getting a big t-shirt] Oh no, I should get in this with the person of my choice and probably have a very good time. (FF)

(You've got lipstick all over you.) I don't mind. (FF)

[leans over and the t-shirt he has draped on his chest fell off] Whoops! I didn't realize this was topless. (FF)

[about t-shirt] I'm one of the few hosts that'll way this, you see. A lot of you guys will say "Thank you' and then throw it in the garbage pale. But *I* wear it, and then I'll throw it i the garbage. (No, please don't.) No, no, I won't. (FF)

[shirt keeps falling off when he leans over; fixes it] Getting quite risque, isn't it? Pink slip? [BUZZ] How 'bout a black satin slip? [BUZZ] Spoiled sports. (FF)

Three secs. (Did you, what did you say?) Three seconds, they're gonna buzz you that's all. (Oh, I thought you said something else.) [BUZZ] I said 'Three seconds,' I guess you thought I said 'Three secs.' Is that what you thought I said? No, I never keep that in a safe deposit box. Hard enough as it is. (FF)

[RD asked Howard a question about the board and he answered back] (Would you like to do this job?) Wouldn't *you* like to do it occasionaly? [wink; applaud] (FF)

Isn't that a song? [singing] Say what's on your mind, have a drink and then get angry, and then smoke a cigarette and have some sex, la da da da. All together! (FF)

[back from commercial] Due to a lack of interest, the rest of the show's been canceled. (FF)

[kiss] Joe, we're leaving you. (FF)

Please help us if you can. If you see a chipmunk digging a hole, say, 'Cut it out, it is no fun for us.' (FF)

[wore big blue shirt from family] I went to the market and someone said, "That's the first time we've seen you in a mini dress." (FF)

[girl said she'd been waiting for a kiss] Shoulda called me earlier. I deliver. 'Til about three o'clock in the morning. (FF)

We're in shock that 'sex' wasn't up there. Wonder where it is? [to audience] Hands up, those who've got it, come on, tell us the truth! (FF)

Did someone say 'cigarettes?' I guarantee you it's there. Donuts. Oh yeah, run through the snow to get those first thing in the morning. (FF)

[what you chew on when you're nervous--gum, fingernails] You can get a pack of fingernails now if you're *really* worried. (FF)

[about candy] Even when I'm not worried, I chew on it. Yep, I'm gettin' bigger and bigger and bigger, but I'm not worried! (FF)

[about new project out] I'm certainly hoping for the part of a man or woman in the picture. I'm desperate for my screen career, I'll play any part. (FF)

[woman jumped up and down at podium cos she got the top answer] Would you just jump up once more for me? [to other woman] They're gonna play. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I, they're gonna play. [to first woman] Very good, very good. [to audience] You never know. If you ask sometimes. (FF)

[last names] Well two Ongs don't make an Ito. (FF)

You can stuff a lot of celery with that [money]. Y'know what I'm sayin'? (FF)

[to two women] Nine O'clock, my place. You're both invited. [to offstage guy] Did you switch the jacuzzi on? You did? [to women] Make it eight-thirty. (FF)

Play or pass? You *should* run away. You should run away, go away. (FF)

Cos if he said 'professional murderer' you wouldn't wanna go out with him. (FF)

[what you ask before going on a blind date] (Does he live with his parents?) You're thinking two dates ahead. (FF)

[crowd cheers] Yeah, but will you respect me in the morning. (FF)

[in response to people writing in about being called 'health nuts'] I would eat health food, but it obviously takes away your sense of humour. (FF)

[blows kiss, keeps blowing] I can't get it off. (FF)

We'll cut these pauses out and it'll look like you knew what you were talkin' about. (FF)

[woman said she's in guy's heart] Good place to be. Although if there's a sudden attack, get the heck outta there. (FF)

[take your pants off to relax] Yep, that'll uh, that'll relax you OK. I think I'll pour a drink and get relaxed. Just take my pants off. That wouldn't bother you? (FF)

[girdle] Min'e killing me. Well, mine's the 18-hour one though, I, I 've had it on for 54 hours now. Probably died with my living bra. (FF)

[woman said 'doctor'} You wanna play that a little later? We'll take some stuff off, get relaxed. (I don't know how.) Oh, I'll teach you, I know all the rules. (FF)

(The Virgin Islands.) You can't use that kinda language. (FF)

[Virgin Islands] Boy, I remember when there were hundreds and thousands of them. Look, there's two left. (FF)

[guy answered 'Tahiti' before RD finished reading 'name a place people describe as an island paradise] (I remembered the question.) Well what if someone just came in (Well ask the questiona nd I'll answer it again.) OK. Name a place people describe....as a hell hole! No, island paradise. (New York. Tahiti!) He *is* tryin' to get rid of me. New York, just a little joke. What does he know, you know what I mean? (FF)

I don't know if you uh, have been following the uh newspapers here in California, you know, but I think it's all over the country. Two cases of Bubonic Plague we have here, which what, in England iat the time of Dickens, was known as the Black Death. And a lot of people have no idea what a person looks like who has uh, who has that at all. So we've persuaded the two guys to uh, to come here today and they *are* in the audience, we won't say which ones they are, but just look around ut don't touch anybody. You know what I'm saying? [meets family] I uh, for our friends at home, I wish you coulda seen, 300 peope went like this [looks scared and bunched up] Nobody touched each other. (FF)

[talking aout girl's husband] I wish I hadn't set her husband by the guy with the Bubonic Plague. I feel kinda quilty. (FF)

[explained that the boy who had the Plague is fine now] So they two people won't hurt you. (FF)

[bends down to pick up paper] I really rue the day that long skirts came back. This is our fourth year. I used to just drop this. Remember I used to just drop this. Remember when the girls-- Get down there, just see a bunch of material. Not worth being a sneak. (FF)

[when people take off their wedding rings] Well they also, they also do it when they're gonna do this, [takes ppinky ring off and looks through it] peek-a-boo. (FF)

[something people get in to feet first, woman said 'your pants'] You're not married are you? (FF)

Not many hosts can sing a question to the uh, tune of the girl's name. 'Course not many people would want to. Any chance of an answer from you, darlin'? (Are you done?) Don't give me am I done! You gave me the old stalling, "Can I have the questionagain?" (FF)

See, aren't you a little embarrassed now, you got snobby? (FF)

Or trouble as our producer often gets into, feet first. (FF)

'Course that was when I used to steal cars. (FF)

[at podium; to offstage] What do you mean? *Me?* Or this lady? Me? My colar? [pulls back of jacket up above head] Tell me what you were gonna say Howard. Now don't leave me like this, you said something to me. What dear? OK. (FF)

What are those balloons doing, Gene? Bring one to me, Gene, please. (What?) Bring a balloon, don't be silly Gene, I'm the star, you're the person who announces, bring one. No, don't take a picture of it there, I can't get money for him unless he comes on. [Gene comes out with balloon] This is uh, Gene Wood, boy wonder and balloon holder. (FF)

Why does your name seem familiar. (Probably cos you've seen some of my brothers.) I beg your pardon! I can explain that. We were all playing basketball. There's nothing to it. (FF)

Imagine a wino waking up now and looking at the show? Martha, come and look what he's doin' now. [tied balloon to front of him and dodges the string by swaying side to side to read the question] (FF)

[kisses girl, balloon tied on his ear made a shadow on her face] An eclipse here, look, did you see that? (FF)

Anyway, I will be leaving Long Beach Pier on my trip around the world. The first solo balloon ascencion attempt, and uh, I'll probably see you in the fall. [rises up a bit] (FF)

[at podium, pulls out scissors] I'm glad you're both here for the launching. [string won't cut by his ear] No I gotta be careful, this is what happened to Van Gogh. It wasn't a love affair, he went to cut the balloon off and el zippo. Alright, we'll sing two choruses of 'Old Langzine' as it goes up, alright? [sings] Should old accuintance be forgot.... [string still won't cut] [BUZZ] Excuse me. [tugs on string on ear; hums] Thank you for the scissors Jerry. [OK sign; balloon finally flies away; he hums the song; all look up; finishes singing song] Look out! Paul Williams is coming *down!* (FF)

[pointing scissors towards woman's hands] Anything I can do for you? Your nails or anything? Oh no, let's get on with this. (FF)

[cuts string off front of him; string sticks to scissors and hangs there] I held this and cut that, now if Newton was right, shouldn't that have gone down to the floor? (FF)

Anything you want me to trim or anything? (I want a brainstorm is what I want.] Oh I can arrange that, [holds scissors in stabbing manner] lean your, bring your head forward. (FF)

[something you find in a fitting room, guy said 'attendant] Well I certainly wouldn't change if there's one in there. [A lady attendant.] Oh, a lady attendant I wouldn't mind at all. In fact, even if I wasn't buying clothes, I'd meet her in there. (FF)

[continues Of course, at ABC, we say, we're still the one. [holds up "1" he cut out of paper] (FF)

(I would say 'dusting.') And Hoffman. (FF)

Don't get arrogant. (FF)

What we call P.U.T.T., or Putt. Picking up the toys. (FF)

[name something parent keep from your kid's school days, woman said 'Good morning'] Good morning, good you save all those and I'll talk to you later. (FF)

Yes I kept all your good mornings since you were a little boy. (FF)

[kisses girl] Saw right through her ear. (FF)

(My mind just went blank and I had it.) Oh did you, well go back and see if you can get it. (FF)

I'm the host, I'm allowed to make errors. (FF)

[how many minutes you spend in the shower] About two minutes since I saw Psycho 2. (FF)

[comes out with huge bunch of white balloons] The rumour that I have Bubonic Plague is not true. No, this is for, [nose stuck on bunch of strings] oops, my nose. [holds nose] This is from-- [let's go of nose] Oh, oh there you are. Oh. I'm in the wrong studio. Excuse me. [starts to walk away] (FF)

[what you say to your plant--are you thirtsy] I say that to my Dean uh, Martin plant.He just looks up and says, "What time is it?" (FF)

Just for that you've lost your close-up. [holds balloons in front of girl's face; calls answer; BUZZ; shouts through balloons to her} Can you hear me alright? (Yes, I can hear you!) Alright, that was a strike, you get three more of those, they steal. (FF)

[what you say to your plant--would you like to be repotted?] Yeah, I ask my Geore Carlin plant that. Yeah, he says, "Anything that's fair man. Wow." (FF)

[from offstage] (Hurricaaaaaaane!) [let's go of balloons and they float away] What? What?! Hurricane? Really?? (Yeah.) Not Carla? (No.) [looks up] I have a terrible feeling they're coming down filled with water. [popping sounds] We'll be back, right after this. (FF)

[kisses girl and they tilt their heads back and forth before finally kissing] I told you before the show, no tongues, didn't I? [door people lock--bathroom] I think that's a good answer, don't you? (Do you really?) I *do.* You don't wanna be in there and some yo-yo come in there with a dozen balloons. (FF)

How does that work? Well, you just, you rub i up-- [makes ironing motion] Golly! (FF)

(A fun house.) A fun house? My place,Thursday. (FF)

Yeah, a log ride. That's here they tow a log behind a truck and--. It's not a pretty ride I'll tell y'that. (FF)

A sport you can participate in, even if you're middle-aged and not in great shape, enough about me. (FF)

Something you do to a rug, you said 'wear it' oh no, vacuum! (FF)

[a door people knock on before entering--front door] I really insist that burglars always do this at my house. (FF)

I've always wanted to kiss an eye. (FF)

I have an eye fetish. (FF)

Wanna go to my pad later? (FF)

Two "Ah"'s do not an answer make. (FF)

[answer was Blueberry; sings] I found my thrill, on Blueberry Hill. (FF)

You go the money honey. (FF)

[to girl] We're gonna rwrestle some crocodiles a little later, uh, well, married people are invited. (FF)

[something you put out when company is coming--coasters] Musical group, aren't they? The Coasters? Just put one by the fireplace and [sings] Hey hey we're the Coasters. (FF)

[to Howard offstage] Snacks not food? (Snacks?!) [to woman] 'Scuse me a second. [to Howard] My question was 'Is snacks not food?' and your answer was 'Snacks?!' That does not help me Howard. [Howard talks] Snacks, food? Why don't you go to the Everglades and do what that Yoga did? [tried to protect crocodile from being captured by putting his hand out to him and the croc bit it off] (FF)

(I would say, nicknacks, or--) Paddywacks? Or even give a dog a bone. (You know, display they're valuables or whatever.) So guests can take it. Could you get my wife and I another drink and while you're in the kitchen they steal your valuables. You gotta wise up, hon. (FF)

Do we have nice gifts Gene? (Yes.) Well don't lie because Al's a lawyer here. None of your rubbish, it's good stuff. [Gene says sandwhiches for the trip] Well, not the parishables, I mean our, jewelry and stuff? [Gene says and a nice swimming pool] (FF)

Oh, I wish your daughter wasn't married, she just told me I had soft lips. That's usually a good sign when they say that. [guy says he better hope her husband isn't watching] Well, I know that. You'll keep him away, right? I don't want him to get near the set. Get him out there pulling uh, peppermint leaves or whatever you're doing. (FF)

You're right, you did hear a buzz, but they're all loaded over there. (FF)

[about pen] Howard that's not a pig, it's a cow. (It's a pig.) Wanna bet? Do you really wanna bet? (How much?) First of all this is from a gentleman named Arthur Brant, Kansas City. Is this where you got the ribs? (Yeah.) So there's a little thing here, it's difficult to see but I, there's a waterfilled thing And there's a cow here which Howard claims is a pig. (It's a pig.) I'm gonna prove to America, it's not a pig! Turn it over, there's an udder here. Come here, it's got horns and everything. [Howard denies] What are you talking about?! [Howard comes up on stage] (How do pigs nurse their young?) How? (Yeah.) They send out. (In that case you're quite right.) There's *horns.* (That's not a horn. *One* horn??) That's a unicorn then. Well, I knew it wasn't a pig. (I'm gonna have to take over this whole show Richard, you don't know what you're doin'.) [hands Howard the pen] Take it away. (FF)

[family got locked out of dressing room] (They don't give us keys.) Ah ha, then, probably a very smart idea would....not lock it. (I didnt have a whole lot on when I locked it.) Shoulda called *me!* No, I woulda waited outside they uh, the door. (FF)

(The whale that swallowed Johna?) Fred. (Fred.) A lot of people don't know his name. Fred, the Whale! (FF)

What about, what about Shamu the killer whale? Yeah, Charlie Tuna. Altho I think theyre both the same I've never seen them....together, together, apart doesnt work. (FF)

(You still have soft lips.) Thank you. [audience Woo's] I have a woman come in twice a week. (FF)

[on knees, looks at brown table, then gets up and talks to girl] Oh, I *thought* you had gotten brown suddenly. (FF)

What are you clapping that for, Howard? Don't start false applause. (FF)

[talking about magazine article that praises him, he jokes about when he gets to Heaven and others are accepted cos they have important names and did important things] *Name?* Richard Dawson. *What did you do?* Uh, well, [clears throat] can I talk to you privately? (FF)

A bar fight. Two people fight with bars? (FF)

[to woman] Hello. [she looks at him but doesn't say anything] Hello. (Hi!) Don't we wish we were--a word or phrase that means to tell on, that's just a little joke--what d'you think? (FF)

[about pregnant woman] I shoulda gave her four seconds cos she's playing for two. I never thought of that. (FF)

Squeal and Fink, weren't they your lawyers fo awhile? (FF)

The dreaded Ugly Elbow! (FF)

You've already had Hands. You wanna do Hands part two? Son of Hand? (FF)

Oh, yes. Nothing worse than coming up against....an UGLY EAR! (FF)

And we almost had a baby. Do not jump up and down like that. You do that on your own time cos I have all the medical coverage here with insurance. (FF)

[to little stuffed Richard doll from family] I don't know who you are cutie, but i'm your dad. (FF)

[about talking to your plants] I've tried, but I've been caught a coupla times by people visiting me, and they think I'm weird, so I stopped it. I *do* talk to my door though. (FF)

I got a cute story for you. Very wealthy lady, about 55, big house, limosuine, her own chauffeur. She comes out of the garden walks through her house, goes through her bedroom. In the bedroom is her chauffeur. She said, "John, you should *not* be here." He said, "I know ma'am." She said, "Just a second" she stepped into the corador, looked, came in, closed the door. She said, "John, how old are you?" He said, "Twenty-six, ma'am." "Are you married, or do you have a girlfriend?" He said, "No ma'am." She said, "John, come here." He walked over to her. She said, "I want you to take off my high heels." He took her high heels off. "Now I want you to remove my blouse." He took her blouse off. "Now I want you to take my skirt off." He took her skirt off. She said, "I never wanna see you wearing my clothes again." (FF)

Uh, here's the gentleman, what's his name? (Russell.) Russell? I'm sorry, that's incorrect. (FF)

[trying to do Boxcar Willie train whistle sound] I sound like a Dachsund in heat. (FF)

Oh, how gross. How grody to the max. (FF)

[about food being thrown out cos it's bad] Not in *my* house. (FF)

Never stick yourself on a candy bar. (FF)

But there's light at the end of the tunnel, if I look, yes, I can see what's there. Oh, it's a commercial. (FF)

I do have an album coming out. But, uh, it's only two dollars. Three dollars you can get one with no hole in the middle. It's up to you, I don't--" (FF)

An animal you see in commercials, you said, 'Dinosaur!' Oh, a dog. Sorry. (FF)

[death section in newspaper] I check those every morning. If I'm not there, I just come to work. (FF)

You know I'd like you to win, but please don't go 'WOO!' right next my ear like-- boy, I loathe that. I dropped a pastor here one time, remember that? A short left hook the guy went straight down. He never yelled again. (FF)

(Yes sir.) Alrighty. Just call me 'Your Highness.' (FF)

What, do they get paid by the yard for that music? (FF)

Alright, my baby. (FF)

Name a female that strips. Now that's the sorta question *I* like. (FF)

Listen, I've been doing a little experimenting. I've just crossed poison ivy with a four leaf clover. And you know what I got? A rash of success. (FF)

I'd like to find you in my stocking. (FF)

Is this your car in the living room? I'm just gonna lift it outside. (FF)

I would ask you, uh, I'd love you to win and everything, but I *do* have a headache, and that clapping in my ear-- (No more.) No, I want you to win, but-- [guy says he'll "clap over here"] I'd rather you just sorta went, "Yay." (OK.) (FF)

"Gas? Have you eaten in the commissary here?" (FF)

Sucking their thumb. I don't think I'll ever out-grow it but that was the number one answer. (FF)

I shoulda worn my dress, the one I keep for special occasions. (FF)

I live alone, I'm not lonely. [puts hand on guy's hand] I'm lonely Paul--I'm sorry! (Sorry about that.) (FF)

[girl says she plays football] Wanna get into a huddle later? (Sure. My place or yours?) [points to himself, talks softly] My place. Cos I don't allow umpires at *my* place. (Oh, OK, let's go to your place.) You married? (No.) Well, definitely my place. Yeah, you want, I can get rid of this group right now, if you like. ('K, let's go.) Let's, don't wait for the play-offs, just straight, get into training. We *should* get into training more. The showers I'd like to talk to you about. (FF)

Expense in the family budget, you said, "Cocaine." Oh no, you said, "Food." Just checking. (FF)

You be thinking. (FF)

You married? (Yah.) Play around? (FF)

What we call, "LSF." Little Sexual Favours. (FF)

[Something your boss gives you] My other one is *not* there. A child. (FF)

Many men flirt with a waitress, by the way, see if we can get her name. (FF)

When I snap my fingers, you will feel refreshed and give me an answer. (FF)

Something you're asked to do at the doctor's, and *my* place incidently....take your clothes off. (FF)

Come to my place later and we'll see some inventions. (FF)

Something my producer and I go through quite often. It *does* take time to heal. With him, about the time it takes to have two dinks. And for me to win one game of Backgammon. (FF)

[Something people talk about at parties] Weather. Then I say 'your place or mine?' (FF)

The many-seated car. (FF)

OK then, uh, the *whole* audience, you'll all come in *my* car, I've got enough seats. (FF)

[Headache is the #1 ailment that lasts for one day] Might last for one day and with my luck, one *night.* (FF)

Who's got my pickle? (FF)

You know keys? Keys do lots of things, right? Name something you'd have a key, that you would, uh have--use a key for....you might lose the key and you wouldn't be able to do....with the key....what the key was designed for. What? (FF)

Yeah, that attracts me. I see a woman in curlers, like bee to a honey. [snaps] I just [buzzes] Rrrrrrrrrm. (FF)

Mary Had A Little Lamb, it weighed 6 pounds, 2 ounces. (FF)

I never meet girls like this on an airline. I meet girls, I say, "How are you?" They say, right away, "I'll tell you up front, I'm celebate." I say, "oh, fine. Fine. Uh, I was just askin' to borrow your magazine." (FF)

Uh, excuse me sir. Uh, the thing [airport metal detector] just went off. What's that thing with the fuse coming out of it? Oh, that's just my bomb, I'm gonna put it in the refridgerator. Uh, my wife's got that under her arm. (FF)

You've got underpants, I've got shoes, let's call the whole thing off--oh, I'm sorry! (FF)

[about dresses] I haven't got quite as many of those as I have socks. (FF)

Carol? Carol what? [girl in audience says a long last name] Oh, it's just Carol then, I can't pronounce it. (FF)

No, I can't, I can't throw it [shirt] cos of my ribs. Don't hug me, I just gotten you some money getting you on camera. Get off. My pleasure. (FF)

Are you married? (Yes.) Or maybe divorced? Married? (I'm married now.) Oh. I was just wondering cos we don't talk much about 'im. I thought maybe, you know, and I could just sorta of get together and, encourage the girls to stay home, more with us. I don't know where I was going with that. I think the Codine is catching up with me. (FF)

I have asked you, haven't I, not to make me laugh? (FF)

It's barely worth walking over there though, for six dollars. (FF)

[mechanic's uniform] Oh, that would turn me on. No, it would, I want the gasoline, are you kidding? I'm dating Mr. Goodwrench as a matter of fact. (FF)

Now, if you're name's up there, don't be offended. The pople that wrote that question, they're drunk half the time anyway. (FF)

What we call in the drunk business, CC, cold cloth. (FF)

Is that a good cure? (No.) Oh, it's not? So, if it's not a good cure, why would you say it? I don't understand it. (FF)

[singing] Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, what a commercial this is. (FF)

[wearing huge toy sunglasses] There have been a lot of ugly rumours that I have gone Hollywood or showbiz. I still deny it. (FF)

[wearing huge toy sunglasses] Did I say the score? I don't know where I am. (Yeah, you did say it.) Oh, I did say it. Thank you. Although, I have broken ribs and I'm taking medication to uh, stop the pain. [looks down over tops of sunglasses] Now, the pain seems to be gone but my mind is also gone! I was about to ask Johnny Olsen to "C'mon down!" (FF)

[girl laughs] You've never seen a star before? (Not like that.) No, you're right. Neither have I. (FF)

(Hi.) Hello darlin'. I think I am, to tell you the truth. (FF)

(Oh my goodness.) Got nothing to do with it. (FF)

(I spent many hours on the floor looking for my contact) I meet mine in the valley. (FF)

Do we have nice prizes, Gene? Don't lie to me cos I watch this occasionally. Not that often. I usually watch Password. (FF)

You tell 'em I deliver [kisses] til three in the morning. (FF)

Something people wear for protection, I got mine on, you said, shin guards. (FF)

Now, if you have armor, please drop me a line, uh, we're having a big meeting up in Reno, quite soon. It'll be the armor convention. If you have a can opener, also write to me. Otherwise it gets very dull. Buh-bye. We'll see you here on the Feud. (FF)

(How's a little sex?) We'll have to be careful cos of my ribs. (FF)

Boy, I hate that when they don't think I'm gonna be on time. Anyway, we're havin' some ribs later if you wanna come on by. Be a good time. Oh, we only have seven seconds to kill? OK, I think I'll kill Howard. See how I use up time? Buh-bye, see you here on the Feud. (FF)

My parents said that to me, and when I came home, they were, they were gone. For eleven years. (FF)

I'd love to give you breakfast. We don't have the money. (FF)

[dog died & didn't wanna tell kids] I kept the dog there and worked him on strings for a week. (FF)

I dust my cloths about three times a week. Dust just piles up on the cloth. I hate that. (FF)

[to offstage] This story's getting duller as you tell it. (FF)

Don't know our bass from a hole in the ground. (FF)

[about microphone] When I have this switched off, like I did, it usually means I'm swearing backstage. It's true. [to Howard] We were talk--weren't we talking about something I didn't want anyone to hear? See, I once went to the toidy with this on. I did, yup. (But that's not what we were talking about.) Well, of course we weren't! Thank you. [makes a fist at Howard] Thank you, Howard. (FF)

I have to do everything around here. I hate it when the board's crooked. [goes up steps and straightens board] There, much nicer. People think it's all glamour, but there's a lot of work attached. (FF)

I've told you, haven't I, where I've gotten to the age now where I'd rather eat, then, you know, then make love. I just put a mirror over my dining room table. (FF)

[after kissing girl] I gotta get a room. (FF)

I hate it when they steal your garden. No I've, I've lost three cars in just two months? I hate it! Just a big hole there! (FF)

Yeah, I heard a noise the other day. Oh, it was terrible! Someone was stealin' my garden. (FF)

I just enjoy the way moisture hit my eye as you said 'snail.' (FF)

I love to say 'armadillo.' Is there a Mr. Armadillo in town? Paging Mr. Armadillo. That's what we call 'AS,' Armadillo Shortage. (FF)

Pelican! [nothing on board, no buzz either] Penguin!! [on board, family wins] I got so nervous, I called for a pelican. We were looking for a penguin. (FF)

[kisses girl] Now that was sincere. (It *was.*) I'm starting to get aroused. (FF)

Different strokes for different folks. No man is a John Ireland. We could go on. But let's take a look and see if it's there. "Make love"'s there, it's 8 dollars. Well, it's the only thing inflation has not gotten to. Make love? [bing] Yes! Well done! (FF)

Pencils. I really enjoy those. A little mayo and a coupl'a pencils. (FF)

Let's keep our fingers crossed for diction. A ship at sea! (FF)

Chili? I know it sets me on fire, darlin'. Yeah it's great, two of you run into the bathroom all night. It's always great for good sex. (FF)

No, ice cream's alright if you wear it, but not for eating. (FF)

Only trouble with those [avocados] is you keep slipping out of bed. (FF)

Eggs? Eggs?! I can't believe it. I thought I was gonna learn something! (FF)

You're a sweetheart darlin' and I liked that kiss. She also blew in my ear. (FF)

[about someone tuning in while he was putting on chapstick] You won't believe what I just saw. He was putting on lipstick in the middle of the show. (FF)

Yeah, how many times do you wear an umbrella, by the way? (FF)

[after girl yells into mic and then he yells into it] But we now have two deaf sound people. I caused one and you caused the other. (FF)

[after explaining that he tried pulling onto his producer's pants to get him on camera and a piece ripped off] His pants broke. [to audience that booed his joke] Thank you. You're an ugly sight, still. (FF)

[about host on FF home game cover] I don't know who this is supposed to be, but it's obviously not me. (FF)

Something a baby uses, you said, uh, well, but I'm sure he meant a rattle. Yeah. (A rattle.) Yeah, so few children that will use the real snake. (FF)

The....generator light, with the uh, the thing, near the front tooth! (FF)

Hold my hand! You know I'm afraid when the camera's on. (FF)

Gimme 15 seconds. In fact, I'm in such a good mood, gimme 12 and 3. (FF)

It's an icky question. Now, if you tell me my son wrote it, I'll speak to him directly. (FF)

[about questions] Have some good stuff, like, waterbeds. (FF)

I was in New York and a guy says, 'Do you believe in nepotism?' and I said, 'Only if it's in the family.' Well, he was gonna ask why my daughter-in-law and my son work on the show. Uh, we call it blackmail. (FF)

Problem people have with their hair. You said 'unmanageable.' Boy, oh boy. Use a whip! Survey said! Look how they spell it. Survey said! Well, if you can't spell it, you won't get a score, will you? (FF)

Color of M&M's candy, you said 'chocolate.' Survey said! Yeah. They melt in the hair, not in the hand. (FF)

Something used to apply make-up, you said 'a blow gun' I think, didn't you? What did you say darlin'? (Sponge.) Oh! A sponge! OK. (FF)

If it's worth 93, you'll all have the five thousand dollars my last show, before I go to the asylum, will have gone out in a triumph. I personally think they're gonna deduct the 7 and just give you 100. (FF)

[47th birthday] Obviously we can not do it here, during the show cos sometimes I'll do a joke or two that'll miss. I certainly don't want my own cake heaved back at me. (FF)

And....I think I'm about to cry, so I should get on....who are the people? (FF)

Congratulations, it's....ahoy! (FF)

I wanna go....potty. (FF)

Hold it! Pass your lollypop sticks to the end of the row. We'll have no mutinies! (FF)

How you doin'? (Good, Rich.) [to audience] Are they the ones with the balloon? [walks towards audience] See, Goodrich, folks. Now, don't groan. That was a very hip, fast line. Now, I mean, I'm right this time and you're definitely wrong. I said, 'How are ya?' and he said, 'Good, Rich.' [walks back to family] I mean, most of the time I'm wrong, but this time....that was a good one. Even Jennifer woke up. (FF)

[about Tom Jones] Wears his pants out from the inside. (FF)

She closed her eyes when I kissed her and I thought she thought, just for a second, I thought she thought I was Paul Newman. But that's her answer. (FF)

[animal magnetism] Betty White, she likes animals, I guess, and she likes magnets. I have no idea what that means. (FF)

You can buy green grapes and purple grapes. I sound like Mr. Rogers, don't I? (FF)

Come on baby! (FF)

Number one answer was Sex, which is different from Love, and I'm glad it is. (FF)

[sits and pouts on stage step] You know. I was their friend....I was their friend, til they won the money. Nobody likes a honky anymore. Bye-bye. (FF)

A dive at a swan [instead of swim] meet. [laughs] (FF)

I have to meet some swans. We're goin' to a dive. (FF)

[Richard kisses woman and she leans in and whispers something and he doesn't hear so he leans forward and she whispers it again but he has to move the mic aside and lean in more and she says 'My underwear was falling down' and she said it into his little micon his shirt so she was embarrassed and he said he moved the other mic out of the way but she made a comment about the one on his shirt.] No one will ever hear that. Truely. [Richard looks under the table] (FF)

Be nice to each other. You can make a whole day a different day for everybody. (FF)

I'll tell you where he *should* be. In Seattle, sitting on a pine needle. (FF)

Here's the question is....What's your name? See? They can't even answer that. [X] (FF)

Wash her and dry her, if you can do that....oh, washer dryer, I beg your pardon. (FF)

[Hungarian woman with accent said 'Work bench'] Vork bench. (With a 'W'.) With a 'W'. Always with a 'W'. (FF)

And the question is, why are these lights all flashing? That's the question. Well, I know you fixed it but what if I had read it and they were both flashing? (FF)

Besides their spouses, name a voman, with a 'W', who, with a 'W', men kiss. (FF)

Did you see Jaws? That was on the other night. That really bit the other two networks. (FF)

'When' is a one word question, another one....'Why'. Seems to be the answer *I* get when I say to a girl, 'When?" Is 'Why??' It's because I'm so lonely. (FF)

Big Ben. It's a huge big thing there. (FF)

(Richard says what the home viewers were probably saying with an accent) Hello. The money didn't go tumbling into that little thing there. Computer troubles. (FF)

(About everyone getting board game) Well, I know THAT sends a chill through you. (FF)

Paul Revere. The British are coming! The British are coming! And he passes some Redcoats and he says, 'To my place, Thursday, for tea!' (FF)

I've been waiting backstage for 8 years to get out. I wanna do the show. (FF94)

Paul McCartney gave me a very nasty nip once. (FF)

I wear her jeans. Not her design. Her jeans. (FF)

I happen to be the cheese freak of the world. (FF)

Never leave a rhino in your car. (FF)

You know how to make your Anti-Freeze? Hide her underwear. (FF)

If you see someone you don't know today, smile at 'em. We can make the world a better place. (FF)

I went steady with a pillow case for several years. (FF)

My ex-wife treated me like a Greek God. No, she did. She brought me a burnt offering every day. (FF)

How can I be conceited if I make myself look like an idiot? (FF)

I'll wear this [shirt] with pride. No underwear. Just pride. (FF)

We worked together, we did a show that uh, Dennis Weaver did, called McCloud. Uh, I wasn't too nice a guy but Richard [Van Vleet] was even worse, he shot me. And actually, a blank, piece of the blank, the wadding, went through my shirt and I have a scar right here [left side] to this day. Don't, don't groan! I've gotten lucky more times showin' that scar. (FF)

Claustrophobia. The fear of Santa Claus. (FF)

Sexual activities. Don't feel guilty about it. Somebody's gotta do it. I do it all the time. (FF)

[Get it on Bush!] What did you say, young man? [Get it on Bush.] Get it on Bush. As long as you don't get it on me, you can do what the hell you want, to Bush. (FF)

Person that makes rugs. There's a hooker and a hookee. We're lookin' for the hooker! (FF)

If you weigh 300 pounds, you're an illegal jockey. (FF)

Counterfeiter. Person who fits counters. (FF)

[Bootlegging.] That's right, people that run away with your legs or your boots. (FF)

I gave you a kiss when I arrived here. Remember I said to you osh wham, amma dam? (FF)

B and B. Bones and bunions. Probably be a new series on ABC by the end of the week. (FF)

[Family Feud as one of the most exciting shows on Tv] I love loyalty, but there is such a thing as being silly. (FF)

September. Which makes me laugh. September. No, I mean that was the day I collapsed on the show when I said, 'when does a woman begin to show her pregnancy?' and the woman said, 'September' and I collapsed. (FF)

You came from the cabbage patch. And we're gonna make sauerkraut out of you. (FF)

[something people fear and guy says girl took his answer so Richard calls that] Fear that the person next to you will take your answer! (FF)

Yeah, when my mom gave me that....I don't think I've ever been more dissapointed. Except for the clothes. They were all long evening gowns. but the barrette in the hair really depressed me. Yep. Particulaly when she put it in. With a hammer. Yep. Although it kept my hair very neat! The ol' barrette. (FF)

Hi-ho Silverware! (FF)

Get back, we don't wanna see your face, Howard. (FF)

My kisses must be losing their power. (FF)

Mertle. Mertle, pucker up now. Close you eyes. [kiss] You opened your eyes. I hate that, Mertle. she opened her eyes just as I kissed her. (FF)

You certainly know how to make a host feel at home. (FF)

[guy says Richard had a British background] And a foreground. British foreground. (FF)

I've bitten a dentist before. Tall girl. Went out dancing. (FF)

The tent syndrome. Let me show you. I'll show you, watch. They'll sorta stand here, they'll stand here like this, and they, while I'm talking, I'll see a little tent appear. Now watch, by the time I'm finished, all they need to go is, boop. (FF)

[to girl] Will you stay when they go back? (FF)

Please do not talk offstage, unless you're filming a pilot. (FF)

Bird that likes to be near water. The water-proof canary. (FF)

Now, don't foget now, it's save the robin and canary fund. The symbol of the badges we'll have will be the waves and a coupole of birds obviously doomed to go to a watery grave. She's, look, she's so moved by it, Rose is already crying. Gonna get water-proof feathers, I'll tell you, we'll save them. But here's the first money we've recieved for our cause....$10,457. (FF)

It's all right. She's seperated from her husband. He's backstage with earphones on. (FF)

There's a good lad." (FF)

If you do fall, go that way. (FF)

When are we gonna *start* with sex and work our way backward? (FF)

In my case, giving signs to irrate motorists very close to me. (FF)

I'm worried about all those Indians with bells sneakin' up on us. (FF)

That well-known French actpr....Jock Strap. (FF)

We're gonna count 'em as pads, whether they are or not. Wanna go to my pad later on? (FF)

Tag, yeah. Backwards, gat! (FF)

So, nevermind. Good luck to you. (FF)

(Spit in the customer's food?) You laugh, I swear I was, I was a waiter. Take my word for it, it has been done. (FF)

It not only wasn't there, it got snickers. (FF)

Girl's getting snotty with me, with a nail like this. (FF)

No Tv? That's a reward in England. (FF)

You're not gonna have any food for the rest of the year! Go to your room and put the television on! The allowance is through! I think I'll spank you. What was your answer? (FF)

The last time I was grounded was with a stewardess in Montreal. (FF)

Dollar values are doubled. Ask me why! (Why?) Cos she's playing for two! (FF)

There's obviously a subtle difference between junk and trash. Have you ever heard of pure white junk? (FF)

(Knick knacks.) Ah! Paddy whack! Give a dog a bone! I love to remind people of a goody. (FF)

Name an ailment people call into work, you said 'Not tonight Richard, I have a headache.' (FF)

Name a magazine known for its interviews. I lust after this magazine. You said, 'Playboy.' (FF)

What do you see outside a movie theatre. Not the movie I made, but you said, 'people.' (FF)

Sucking their thumb. I don't think I'll ever outgrow it, but that was the number one answer. (FF)

If you'll all just join hands and flap very fast. This is the pilot. Our Father, who art in Heaven. (FF)

And if banana is worth 37 points, I become an atheist on the spot. I swear to you. (FF)

(I'd say, um.) We could all say 'um.' (FF)

That's the only reason I did that, so I could look down her neck. (FF)

Name a food that goes well, with a clip on tie, uh, with peanut butter. (FF)

You were an English Major? I was a Lieutenant. (FF)

Gimme fifteen seconds. I said *fifteen.* Oh, I'm sorry. Ears like a hawk. I thought they were trying to slip fourteen in. (FF)

Name the age women start losing interest in sex.... [to judges] All right, now, I gotta give her one because she made me jump.... [to judges] When she said 35, I almost dropped the card. (I'm 32.) You're 32? She's got three years to go, this girl. [to guy] Well, I got good news and I got bad news. The good news, you've been living on borrowed time for two years. She just told us she was 32, what sort of an answer was that?.... Hardest emotion to hide. Obviously with you two it's not lust.... [to audience regarding kids on stage] For a group that loses interest at 30, somethin's goin' on here folks. (FF)

A guy came up to me and there's a golf ball, that if you it hit it into the rough, it goes "beep beep beep" and you can find it. If it goes into the water, it let's bubbles out, you know. If it goes into a tree, lodges in, smoke comes up, and you can- It's an impossible ball to lose, it's fan- I said to this guy, "Where did you get it?" he says, "I found it." (FF)

(Make love. Nobody would wanna get caught at it.) I love getting caught at it. Sometimes at a hotel, I leave the door just ajar enough, just to entice someone in. Yeah, gives me a bit of a start, but it really makes them go through the woooo! (FF)

[whispers after kissing girl] Boy, what a job I've got here. (FF)

(About girl's vinyl boots) You know how many vines they have to make, oh. (FF)

An eclipse of the sun, was that? I just saw a light go. (FF)

(Kids play house.) I played it the night before last. (FF)

Ken and Barbie. I love 'em. I won't go anywhere without 'em. (FF)

I have to go to the bathroom so bad, you wouldn't believe it. (FF)

Well, I'm gonna stand here with the bean lady while you watch this. (FF)

Did you all get your wine? Yeah, I think you did. (FF)

Uh, marry me, will you? (FF)

What's your batting average, by the way? (FF)

Well, we got a lot of young people. Lot of young people here. If you believe Cheerios have sugar on them, please, will you applaud. (light applause) Then I, then I don't have to ask the other part of the question. I want all those lollipops back. When I go to the crowd, you know what sort of answer I want. I don't wanna look like an idiot, OK? Joel, collect the lollipops. (FF)

I wish you, our friends at home could have seen it. A million lollipops went in the mouths and then they clap. (FF)

I'll take the lollipops back. I'm not kidding. (FF)

We said 'a room where the whole family gathers.' You said, 'the outhouse.' No what did you say? The den? (FF)

I think a man gave that to me abut five years ago, no on this show. It was a little headband. It had a tiny umbrella. I wore it out the first day it rained. It not only leaked, I got blown over a hedge. (FF)

I love boats on rocks. (FF)

[after getting a buffalo chip on a plaque as a gift] I shall put this *near* my house. (FF)

Protect the uh, spray bottles. That's an organization I belong to. (FF)

I just, not heard. (FF)

Ray Bolger was the Straw, Straw Man. (FF)

Graduation gift. You said you'd let 'em watch, what did you say? What did you--that what you said? 'Watch.' Yeah. I guess that wouldn't be bad. Not a lasting gift, but what the hell. Bit of excitement, that's what we need. (FF)

You sure know how to uh, show an aging game show host a good time. That was uh, a lovely welcome. How nice to see all of you out here. It's so sunny outside and you chose to be here with us. Of course the police round-up, I guess, helped, didn't it? (FF)

It is there? Rather foolish of you, if I might point out, to go berrrrrmp. (FF)

Boy, it's good to have something to fall back on. I was hoping for Dolly Parton. (FF)

I feel good. I've been working out regularly, recently, you know? I think you should. Get to my age. Well, I come from an athletic family. I just let myself go, that's all. No, truely, I had seven uncles and they were all boxers. Except my uncle Fred, he was a cocker spaniel. (FF)

My kids could heel and fetch by the age of two. Send them to obedience school. (FF)

I was only playing with Oswald, my uh, crocodile, this morning. (FF)

She took so long with that uh, 'snow' I thought she was hissing me for a second. She went 'Sssssnow." (FF)

Colour of M&M candy. You gave me my favourite, 'white.' That's when you've sucked all of the red and the brown, it becomes white. (FF)

I'm in shock. We have a honeymoon couple here. What the hell they're doing at a game show, I have no idea. (FF)

Before you answer, may I say hi to my two children, Mark and Gary? (FF)

An explosive kind of thing. My first marriage. (FF)

Put the money in the bag, I have a gub in my pocket. (FF)

Boy, I'm thinkin' of all the people I've slept with who were my buddies when I was growing up, I could be in a hell of a lot of trouble. (FF)

Darlin', would you get that for me, my sweetie? Thank you. (FF)

Now you'll be, probably, drinking some dope a little later, will you? I love those hippies. (FF)

Don't shout, just askin'. (FF) I can stall no longer.

Don't leave us up here like a coupl'a yo-yo's. (FF)

I just broke myself up. (FF)

It says 'don't commit adultery.' But you gave me the book too late. (FF)

Oh, do good to others! And uh, otherwise you're gonna get it in the end. Well, I'm paraphrasing, I don't know the exact uh, term. (FF)

I've been reading my Bible. He's a minister and uh, he gave me a Bible with my name on it. Everytime I get tempted, I hide the book so I won't uh, won't get talked out of it. (FF)

I'm wearing these because I have a little something, gotten a little something in my eye. Fist actually, belonging to an irrate husband. (FF)

I've never taken my shoes off at the movies. Now I have disrobed, but that's another story. (FF)

I've never been swimming in shorts but you don't hear me complaining. (FF)

Howard, be quiet. (Howard says he's sorry) I should think you would be. You're in charge of us all and you're the one leading the talking. (Howard says something) Shut up! (FF)

Get your hands out of your face. (FF)

That's another thing, if I hear a couple of ants talking, it drives me crazy. Uncles, they don't bother me, but ants....what a crowd! (FF)

A person made of cloth! I mean a person of the cloth! (FF)

Well, in that case, there's a lot of naked indians running around. (FF)

Something parents try to talking their children out of doing. (Drinking.) Drinking. I did that with one of my kids, he dehydrated. Never let him drink. He was about four and a half. Just turned to dust. (FF)

Love is what makes the world go around, isn't it? We can all love God in our own way. Truely, many familes do that, they say 'Don't, it's not the right thing.' Both my parents, truely, were of opposite religion and they loved each other to the day they passed on. They were married fifty-eight years. I swear to you, never heard them have a cross word. Loved each other. Magic. God made that marriage, you know. And he looked down at the two families and he said, 'Outta line!' (FF)

Not only the marriage, but he is on the rocks. (FF)

One [audience member] wanted to know if I had any diseases. (FF)

[girl goes to use bathroom at start of show] How can I be going towards the stage when the contestant is going away? (FF)

I think you were in one too many hiddles, I'm gonna level with you. One too many huddles. (FF)

Nice hair. I haven't tasted anything like this since I bit you on the head, Gene. (FF)

We call it THE protector. If you're not protected there, nothing else means anything! (FF)

I won't even ask how they got them. Sore muscles. (FF)

I like to play that game. I'm gonna give you my five lucky numbers for roulette. 13, 14, 17, 19 and 20. I play five numbers each time and I think I probably won 20% of the time. (FF)

$10,488, luv and 15 eggs, Richard Dawson. (FF)

Shut up and skate! (FF)

How many articles of clothing are you wearing at the moment, you said 'two.' My next question is, my next question is....where do you live. (FF)

A noisy bird. The winged chipmunk. (FF)

Love and chipmunks, Richard Dawson. (FF)

Love and camels, Richard Dawson. (FF)

The biggest hello I've had in a long time. Thank you. Just spontaneous, was that? Didn't coach them at all? (No.) You lie. (FF)

I like girls who like masks. (FF)

I shall wear this tonight. (Where you going?) I will. Huh? (Where you goin'?) A leather party. Two shoe repairers. You're taking me the wrong way. Two guys who repair shoes for a living. [whistles innocently] (FF)

And my favourite, Do Be Cruel. We'll probably return. (FF)

Common complaint, people have about ribbons, uh no, about marriages. Ribbon got in my way. (FF)

(I'm blank.) Oh, I'm Grumpy, this is Doc. (FF)

For every her, there's a hem. (FF) [When throwing a football] I look like a sissy, don't I? (FF)

It's not eucalyptus trees, I've just thought it over. Koala bears eat eucalyptus trees. They [giraffes] eat something else. Donuts I think. (FF)

A lot of giraffes watch this show and they've probably been eating eucalyptus leaves. Can't taste anything. (FF)

Do you have a basement? No, none of us do. (FF)

I had one of them [cat]. Mine used to bite me all the time. (FF)

I had an Uncle Fred, I'm sorry to say, he would drink anything in sight. Oh, terrible. Very, very sad. Uh, as a matter of fact, he uh, once, when my aunt went out, he drank a whole bottle of furniture polish, and he died. Sad end, but a beautiful finish. How m-- what did you, what did you pay to get in, folks? What? I fed you. Iave you shelter. Now you're groaning at me? I can't believe you. How they turn on you, don't they?(FF)

(Go play!) Well, I will but I gotta ask you this question. It's kinda important. (FF)

What can I do mommy? Well, you can stop asking those stupid questions. (FF)

(Clean their room.) Oh, wow. Well, obviously, they were not talking about my kids. (FF)

You're gonna meet a tall man. Oh, no, I'll do that later. (FF)

Well, we call it Bunky Palace. (FF)

What about Tony the Tiger? Sure, sure, cos he's with Cornflakes. (FF)

For a second I thought my zipper was down. Well, it was such a warm welcome and I thought, gee, I'm improperly dressed here. (FF)

Well, I got what I want. You know how it goes, don't you? (FF)

Luckily, I have a woman that comes in twice a week. And only leaves once a week. That's the good thing. (FF)

I always do cos they're sweet. Pineapple! (FF)

Big dark gentleman came out with a spear and attacked me. (FF)

[about grass skirt] Of course I keep mine at home. I have a woman come in and mow it once a week. (FF)

I tried to bring back Ms. Hawaii once but customs stopped me. (FF)

I never thought of that, and I'm English. (FF)

I said, 'How do you like it?' They said, 'You know what you can do with it.' I said, 'Thank you.' (FF)

Uh, did you all finish those lollipops I gave you? Yeah, please don't eat the sticks. We reuse those and give them to the daytime audiences that come in. And we keep the daytime sticks and give them to the nighttime audiences. (FF)

(In your nose.) Oh, excellent. Uh, may I say that, in reply, 'sit on it' to you. (FF)

Paging Mr. Hamster! (FF)

[woman got a bunch of zeros] We are now going for a record here my love. Called the Easter Egg Award. (FF)

Barbed-wire gives me a sore throat. Isn't that funny? (FF)

What, do you bow to beans? What the hell was that? (FF)

It was number one. If it's worth 105, I'm quiting the game. (FF)

Well, I wouldn't eat your good luck charm anyway. (FF)

Is there an indecent beach. They're the ones I like to go to. (FF)

I'm too tuckered to pucker, that's what it is. (FF)

Hardly seems possible. We've only been at sea three days. Still, we've gotta lotta things to do. And I got some, you know, a lotta good names to pronounce. That always is a challenge, haha. Ahem, uh, first of all, I w-- this could be a giggley day, folks, so please, bear with us. (FF)

Still rainging out, David? Still raining *in*, David? (FF)

You are being challenged now by, the challenging family, who will always be known to me as, the challenging family! (FF)

Girls have little, you know, clouds and stuff on their wallpaper. And boys have....Playmates. (FF)

I'm gonna tell you, about four years ago we had this very question. We had two marvellous guys who were playing in fast money. An animal with three letters in the name. First guy said 'frog,' which got a laugh, but he said, I said, 'Why would you say that?' He said, 'I got nervous, but my brother'll be fine.' I said, 'All right.' His brother came out. Name an animal with three letters in it's name. He said, 'Alligator.' But you've done exceedingly well. (FF)

A device you look through, you said a keyhole, uh, no, you said uh, binoculars. (FF) An animal with three letters in it's name, you said my favourite. I've got a pet one at home. Oliver. Oliver the ant. (FF)

I hate cleaning the windows. I hate ironing the windows. (FF)

Of course, New Mexico is another excellent fruit state. Although, they're growing the cough drop fruit now, uh, they got a deal with the Smother's Brothers. (FF)

No, football I'd rather be tackled by a lady. (FF)

I wonder what Richard means. I know in English it means Mistake. (FF)

We were out there kissing the audience, that's why, I tell you the truth. Oh, I, I'm so....exhausted. And uh, rather aroused. (FF)

Yeah, I was only saying to my surgical the other day, how's your tube? (FF)

I hope you forgive me for teasing you. (FF)

Place to buy cotton candy, and you said, 'candy store.' I buy most of my cotton there. (FF)

You have to pull the string back here to get him to talk. (FF)

When people make a phone call, how many times do they let it ring before hanging up? You said, three.' I wouldn't be out of the bathroom by then. (FF)

I'm gonna put that [coconut] under my chicken when I get home. It won't hatch but it'll keep him contented. It's a her actually. (FF)

Bill collector. I collected four Bills, and two Williams. They're very rare, you know. (FF)

Throw water! Boy, that would frighten the life outta me. Have you? Oh, I would not like to be waken like that. (FF)

Good answer, tickle them. But if you're sleeping with an alligator, be very careful. (FF)

My show I used to see Green Skelton. Purple Buttons, you remember? (FF)

Al, I'm just fond of you, y'know what I mean? (FF)

For a woman, how tall is too tall, you said, 'Jones,' uh no. (FF)

Oh, yeah. We try to drive all good thoughts out of your mind. (FF)

If this is worth 96 points, I mean 86, I'm gonna retire. (FF)

It was Werner Klemperer, you know. He was the original sauerkraut. Played, uh, Colonel Klink. How quickly they forget. (FF)

We're such a classy outfit, I'm wired together here like Robbie the Robot. (FFF)

Now, I have to tell you something. I'm a GOOD Backgammon player, and before this show started, I beat our Producer, Howard Felscher, for eleven dollars. And you paied me! I'm gonna introduce you know, to a young lady, who's vacationing here, I believe she's six years old, her name is Elizabeth, and the other day, she beat me at Backgammon. Would you show a picture of little Liz? Well, wave to America, Liz! Thank you. (FF)

Oh, we're gonna find out when we show this show, we'll get the date and you'll be able to tell your mom and dad, and if you ever beat me--ahem, 'scuse me! Ha! Mustn't lose my public image here. (FF)

She's so good, and she's six, and she really did beat me. (FF)

You gotta start, right? That's why I write on walls. (FF)

I want a girl mentioned in a nursery rhyme. (Granny Goose. Wait, no,.) I uh--Yeah, yeah. (They made one up for her in a commercial.) No, no. There's two ways to take that actually, but I shall ignore both of them and say, 'Granny Goose!' (FF)

Denise. (Mary Had A Little Lamb.) Ah, I'm glad we're--how much did it weigh? (Huh?) See, if you're not gonna pay attention folks, this is a waste of time, isn't it? We'll try that again, I'll come up to you. Denise. (Mary Had A Little Lamb.) Oh, really? What did it weigh? [audience groans] Did you pay to get in? Japan. Let me look. How much did it weigh? See, I never give up once I've done-- (FF)

What do you say? (Battle of the Bulge.) I see. Name a *place* where a famous--and you're saying the place is called Bulge. That's a very, excellent answer, but we'll take a look and see if it's there. If Bulge is up there, uh, you will get 48 dollars, and a book on geography. And if it's not there, the Quirks get it! Looking for Bulge. [It's on the board.] Crazy. (You've never been to Bulge?] (FF)

See, do you know what the Battle of the Bulge is about? [Guy points to the front of his pants] (Yeah, right there.) Oh, well, no need to get personal with me. (FF)

(Hang glider?) How much did it weigh? (FF)

A bat! Fly like a bat out of heck! Well, we're on television. (FF)

Oh, thank you for depressing them even more. (FF)

Hey, school's out, remember that, Will you drive with a little care? We need those kids. And we need you. Peace! (FF)

What happened this time? No music? Because of what? Family fuse? (FF)

Something that makes you break out in a rash. I would say, 'contestants' but I'm not playing. (FF)

Male menopause, for me. (FF)

Name something people might be a little embarrassed to admit they did in their past. I'd be humiliated if that got out. Skinny dip! (FF)

May you all be in Heaven one hour before the Devil knows you're dead. (FF)

Was it good for you too? Oh, it just makes me chill. That's such, such a nice way to start a day. (FF)

Boy, am I glad he wasn't around when I auditioned for Laugh-In. He woulda got the job. (FF)

You're gonna knock me out with your shoulder there. How would you like your students to see you kill me? (FF)

Don't knock me out. Promise? It's a good answer but do not knock me out. Because, we've got enough trouble with her bouncing. And if I go, I used to be a boxer, on the way down, I'll throw a hook to your chin, you'll also be KO'd on Tv. (FF)

Wait a second! If you didn't know this, how the hell will you know about puttin' this on? (FF)

Thank God I don't wear a rug or this would be off right now. (FF)

What are you laying a table for dinner here, uh? (FF)

We had a lady who taught deaf children....I think this [signs] means 'I love you,' doesn't it? We learned that. I hope it dos cos I don't mean anything rude. (FF)

[to lady] Oh! Then I'll call you Your Majesty, OK? [to guy] And I'll call you Thursday. (FF)

Come back, Your Majesty! I didn't want you to run away. (FF)

Your Majesty, come back here. (FF)

You go back to your palace and I'll see you in a minute. (FF)

I got the music in me. (FF)

(It's AM and FM.) Oh, it's both. (Mm hm.) In other words, it's Amfm? (yeah.) Is it national? Then it's a national Amfm. I've been hell, I've been through hell tonight, folks. Bear with us, please. (FF)

Folks, I've heard of nation exposure. You will never know what we're talking about. (FF)

Walter would like to see--as a matter of fact, so would I--a tight sweater! (FF)

I'm very excited, I've have a brand new series coming here, on ABC, Absolutely, yep. I got a home movie camera, and I take uh, big close-ups of very famous personalities, the blemishes. Yeah, really. The show's called Star Warts. Film at eleven. (FF)

I'd like to be a minister. Yeah. Well, 'cause I like that passing the plate thing best. I'd keep the sermons very short. "Cough up!" That would be it for the sermon. (FF)

Spanket. (Blanket!) She said spanket. (FF)

I gotta tell you, they may not get the big money but they are the most delightful people. Idiots, but delightful. Nah, you're not idiots. (FF)

Well, I tell you, honestly, we've been on the air, I think, a year and a half. This is the first time, in those introductions, I've ever gotten aroused. Now, we uh, no, I'm leveling with you. That's the most passionate kissing, we-- I usually kiss for luck, but I got involved a coupl'a times there. (FF)

Makes me proud to be on a show where toilet paper is the number one answer. (FF)

I thought waxing would be there too....Had my legs done in the morning. But not that hot wax. Well, I get upset enough going through the carwash as it is. (FF)

I like that uh, I like that statue of the dog. Oh, that's not a statue, that's Rover, we, we forgot to bring him in last night. Well, that's a shame, but you could paint it! (FF)

You can bring your arm in, but that's all. (FF)

Well, I honestly can tell you I still consider wearing jewelry totally unmanly. We'll be back right after this. (FF)

[Name an animal that uses it's tail for things and lady says an elephant but then she realizes it's a trunk] But watch where you shove the peanuts. (FF)

Ah ha! All right. Visit to the dentist, and do I know that. (FF)

Waiting for the doctor? That would bother you? Well, the dentist you know the guy's gonna kneel on your chest and drill a hole through the top of your gum. A doctor might just come out and say 'How's everything, OK?' Usually that is all they do. Yeah, it's fine. OK. Take two bills and call me in the morning. (FF)

[Family Feud board game falls off podium] Let me explain something. Living in California, we get Earth tremors, I'll be the first to tell you. I know the Chamber Of Commerce don't want me to mention it, but you saw that. We were all waiting here. Did you see the podium rock? In spite of that, I'm gonna give you this game. It's the home version of the Family Feud. [shakes box] Of course, I hope you'll be a little luckier then we were. Well, it's murder paying 18 dollars for an empty box. (FF)

Perform or act. Boy that would make me nervous. (F)

Something that would give you butterflies in your stomach. Eating caterpillers. It's a medical fact. We'll be back right after this. (FF)

Besides home, name a place where you take off your clothes. Ahem, you said, uh, 'school.' And it's one of the first times I really regretted a lack of education. (FF)

[raises arms and says to deputy sheriff woman] Search me. (FF)

[Richard says you can never whistle when you're scared] Now see, that premise is great except you never get scared when you got the stick. You ever noticed that? It's true. Whenever you got a stick, you never feel scared! But the moment you leave it at home.... [tries to whistle] (FF)

I hate being turned on artificially, darlin'. (FF)

You consider it important to be good at being popular? I failed it twice, but we'll give it a wurl. (FF)

The Funky Chicken! Dance. (FF)

Try not and anticipate me. It makes me look silly. (FF)

Survey for raquetball said! (FF)

I've reason to believe you have metal in your nose. Because I have a magnet here [in mic] and I notice every time you answer, you go like that [leans face down to mic].Like one of those ducks who keep drinking the water. (FF)

I will only appear on the magazine if I can be on the cover. (FF)

Now see, that's a nice question if you want them revealed, if you don't want the contestants actually to guess. We'll be back, right after this. [tears up card] Never again. Ever. Never again. [throws pieces] (FF)

[after saying the family can play the next game] Meanwhile, get off the stage, please! (FF)

A famous canal. I woulda said root, you said Suez. (FF)

Uh, pack my pumpkin suit, Gene! Ready for October. (FF)

If elected, I will not run. I will run however, if that audience comes at me again like it did yesterday! (FF)

My dog watches Family Feud, and when I speak, comes up and usually bites the leg of the television. (FF)

And I'm still as mad as heck about it! (FF)

We've been waiting for you! (FF)

Has she been married before? Have you been married before? Have you had any premarital--no! I won't get into that. Well, I just suddenly felt like I was a lawyer. (FF)

You look so pink! (FF)

Isn't that a great picture? A guy staggering, st-- being stopped by the cops about two in the morning. Where are you goin' with that 6-room apartment? Uh, I'm takin' it to a friend. (FF)

Although it doesn't show, I think you were in the sun the longest. (FF)

Does a whistle whistle on it's own? Does a tree make a sound when it falls in the forest? (FF)

You said tomatoe, I say tomatoe, Gene says let's call the whole thing off. (FF)

I know what you're saying. You're looking at this [mark on face], saying it's the mark of cane. Actually the cane of Mark. I looked very dodgy this morning, I looked like the map of Europe and Mark pointed out Corsica with his walking stick, and I got-- Coulda been worse, I guess. If he had pointed out the Equator, I'd be talking in a much higher voice at the moment. (FF)

If I send my feet to Chicago, will you put 'em up? Well, they got no place to stay! (FF)

(We have another surprise for you also, Richard.) Your're not, no one's with child, are they? No, I was in Chicago that one time, you remember? (FF)

I wish I knew a nautical swear word. (FF)

Pick your nose! I hate having to repeat something like that. I really do. (FF)

I actually don't give a damn about the kid, or his career, but I'm in the middle of negotiations. Never hurts. When the show airs, he'll probably like me--. (FF)

Listen, can I be serious for just one sec.? Uh, I just got a new driver's license, and I think this is all over the country. On the back of your driver's license, if you fill it in, you can uh, donate your vital organs in case of an accident, which can save another person's life, you know, and that's a neat idea. I filled it in. And I think if we do that, that's a way you can help someone even when you're passed on in the world. You know, the only thing I added at the bottom of mine, was please make sure I'm dead. But, but do it, OK? It's a good idea. (FF)

Oh yeah! Dingville. The balloon capital of America. (FF)

I'll buy that. I wouldn't wanna live there, but I'll buy it. (FF)

See, I was gonna go for a big joke there, but they brought the money up, first. Well, I'll get the guy's name. (FF)

I'm gonna wear this now [hat]. I'm gonna where this. Not this [shirt] cos it means disrobing. Come on, let's play the Feud. Let's do it. (FF)

[Manicurist] Technical is the nail-doer.(FF)

A palm reader. I had my spruce read recently. (FF)

It was either the number one answer or a fire broke out, what the hell was going on there? Nineteen alarms. (FF)

An animal you can hold in your palm, you said a gopher. Now, I can tell you can do that, the thing is, they tend to dig a hole in and then when you go to pick things up, you know, they fall through. (FF)

[to Gene] Twenty-four lemon bars which I hope will be there when I come off. (Yes, sir.) Or you won't be there when I come back. (Yes, sir.) Mr. Gene Wood. Get off. Don't talk. (FF)

You know two thirds of serious injury in this country are caused by doing your homework? In the morning, when you're half asleep. I know exactly how you feel. (FF)

Just like fantasy. I made his, made his dream come true. He said he'd like to say it, and he did. (FF)

Shark infested homework. (FF)

Foriegn car, you said 'porsche.' I said 'bles you.' (FF)

Well, kids, it was a good question. You did your part, we let you down. We'll be back, right after this. (FF)

Early Family Feud (page 76), Name the most comfortable piece of furtniture in the house. Being a newlywed, you said, 'bed.' Well, you probably, no! Our survey said! Oh! Fifty-one! Fantastic. I do wish you hadn't gotten married. (FF)

An animal with lots of hair, very very carefully concealed in big long spikes. Porcupine. (FF)

An animal with lotsa hair. A dog was number one, you said a hairy horse! (FF)

Yeah. What we call uh, DBH. Develop body hair. It's an ugly sight, but we've gotta face it. (FF)

Well, I don't know what you're gonna do. But I'm gonna try and develop some body hair. (FF)

Gene, make a note. Never let me go after a gray box on a lady's lap. I'm out fifty clams. (FF)

Um. Now I, as you've heard me very often on this show, I talk out about discrimination. I think women should be paid equally for the same job as a man gets paid, you know that. Promotions, I've always say that that should-- There is reverse discrimination I've come in contact with quite recently, that's kinda-- If a woman comes home from work and climbs into a man's shirt, puts on a pair of trousers, she's just relaxing, right? But, if a guy comes home, puts on some high heels and a dress, right away he's peculiar, isn't he? At least that's what Gene and I have been called several occasions. Just doesn't seem fair sometimes. (FF)

It's ten o'clock. Did you forget your belt today? (FF)

Don't wipe you nose on my sleeve! Get off! (FF)

About ten minutes after she's put this on, you give her two lollipops and say no more, Baden (?). But you're gonna have the biggest smile you've ever seen. (FF)

Family Feud Quotes Page 1

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