Copyright 1999 W. Bruce Cameron
Whereas, the aggrieved party (husband) and the aggrieving party (wife) have been involved in a long standing dispute, and whereas we're tired of arguing over this stuff all the time, and whereas if you'd just listen to me you'd see that I'm right,
Therefore come the parties together in a post-nuptial agreement, which I expect you to sign and then there's no need for further discussion.
Clause One: Whereas, there is one correct way to arrange the furniture in the living room, and whereas the husband's back is still sore from last weekend when, after moving the chair into the corner for about half an hour, the wife made him carry it back to where it was in the first place, it is now understood by both parties that the furniture is in the correct arrangement. There is no need ever to move it again.
Clause Two: It seems like the husband just got the Christmas decorations put up and now you want them taken down! So the wife should make up her mind. If the house looks pretty with lights on it, why not leave them up for awhile? The same is true for Halloween decorations, and no, I do not think it looks silly to have the scarecrow out there next to Santa Claus. I think it looks festive.
Clause Three: The wife shouldn't tell the husband that she is fat and then get all upset when he suggests ways to lose weight. The husband is just trying to help, for Pete's sake! And for the record, the husband did NOT say you were fat! YOU said you were fat. All I did was fail to disagree forcefully enough!
Clause Four: Whereas the wife already has like thirty-two thousand pairs of shoes, that's enough. The wife should stop buying clothes for which she doesn't have appropriate shoes.
Clause Five: The wife is allowed one "favorite part" of each movie, and that's it. You can't keep saying "This is my favorite part" in the same movie. And stop asking me what my favorite part is, because the answer is "none." I wanted to watch Die Hard again!
Clause Six: Speaking of movies, for every movie with subtitles that the wife wants to see, the husband is allowed one movie in which there are car chases. And any time a man and a woman on the screen stare at each other without speaking for more than a minute because they're in love but can't bear to talk about it for some reason, the husband is allowed to leave the room.
Clause Seven: Whereas, the wife has made abundant and repeated reference to the supposed "proper" position of the toilet seat lid, and whereas there is no such stated position in the owner's manual, and whereas the family dog needs to be able to get water, for crying out loud, the debate about the toilet seat lid is now over and the subject need never be mentioned again, ever.
Clause Eight: The thermostat is not a toy. The wife has lost her thermostat privileges. From now on, the thermostat will be turned up only on days when the husband is cold.
Clause Nine: The wife may not cut her hair and then wait for the husband to notice it and then get mad when he doesn't. And THEN get mad when he doesn't like the hair cut! Doesn't it make sense that if I notice you got your hair cut, I'm not going to like it?
Clause Ten: It is entirely inappropriate to wake someone up to tell him he is snoring. What's he supposed to do about it when he's AWAKE? And there's no concrete evidence that I snore, anyway. I think you faked that tape recording. If you believe I may be snoring, the proper action is to make sure I am entirely comfortable, and then maybe I'll stop. Instead of digging an elbow into my ribs, try fluffing up my pillow.
Therefore, since the wife is locked in the bedroom and refuses to come out and sign this contract, it is deemed automatically in effect, so now there's nothing more to argue about. What's for dinner?
Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 1999
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