The Cameron Column #78
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A great humor site on the web can be found at http://www.laffnow.com/


You'll notice a slight change in format with this issue: My byline, a title, and my website are being added to the TOP of the essay in hopes this will induce more people to include this important information when they forward my columns to their friends and to joke lists and websites. I'm getting reports daily of my columns being read on the radio, being distributed on inter-company joke lists, and the like--all without attribution. Please help stamp out copyright violations!


The Family Meeting
Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron
http://www.wbrucecameron.com/

Meeting called to order at 11:00 AM. Chairman W. Bruce Cameron (Father) presiding.

11:01 AM

Challenge to the chair from oldest daughter, questioning jurisdiction.
11:01 AM Summary ruling from the chair that oldest daughter is out of order and shut up.
11:01 AM Motion from oldest daughter that the meeting adjourn because the chair obviously won't listen.
11:01 AM Motion seconded by youngest daughter.
11:02 AM Motion and second ruled out of order by the chair.
11:02 AM NEW BUSINESS: A list, designated "chores" by the chair, read into the record.
11:05 AM Point of information from oldest daughter that it is stupid to pick up the sticks in the yard because they come from trees and trees are nature.
11:06 AM Point of information from youngest daughter that ten year old son is making faces.
11:06 AM Point of information from son that youngest daughter is stupid.
11:06 AM Summary ruling from the chair that everyone is out of order and shut up.
11:07 AM Chair indicates a willingness to accept nominations for the chore of picking up sticks.
11:08 AM Motion by oldest daughter that the chore be re-named "destroying the environment."
11:08 AM Motion seconded by youngest daughter.
11:09 AM Vote by acclamation.
11:09 AM Chair rules vote out of order, second out of order, motion out of order, sit down and shut up.
11:10 AM Point of information from youngest daughter that son is making faces again.
11:11 AM Ruling by the chair that anyone making faces will be assigned the chore of picking up sticks.
11:11 AM Chair re-states the floor is open for nominations for the first chore.
11:11 AM Youngest daughter nominated by oldest daughter.
11:11 AM Nomination seconded by son.
11:12 AM Nominee requests the floor to speak on the subject of nomination.
11:12 AM Chair recognizes Nominee.
11:12 AM Nominee declines the nomination because last time she did all the work and all her sister and brother did was watch television.
11:12 AM Point of information by oldest daughter that she had to watch the show for a homework assignment.
11:13 AM Point of information by son: Yeah me too.
11:13 AM Question for the chair by youngest daughter: Since when is "Friends" a homework assignment?
11:14 AM Point of information by oldest daughter that youngest daughter is wearing her shirt and she wants it back.
11:14 AM Question put to the chair: what does she want me to do, take it off right now?
11:14 AM Point of information by son that this would be gross.
11:15 AM Chair rules the subject of shirts is irrelevant.
11:15 AM Oldest daughter protests the ruling on the basis that you always listen to her she is such a baby.
11:15 AM Debate: who's a baby?
11:20 AM Chair calls for an end to the debate.
11:20 AM Point of information by youngest daughter that a quorum doesn't exist because the son is no longer in attendance.
11:20 AM Roll call. A quorum is found to exist as son is retrieved from in front of the computer game "Hack 'Em to Death" and re-seated and recognized to be in attendance by the chair.
11:21 AM Point of information by son that he had just made it to the next level in his game, "Serial Killer."
11:21 AM Chair rules serial killers irrelevant where do you get these games anyway, and calls the question.
11:21 AM Youngest daughter nominates oldest daughter for the chore of picking up sticks.
11:21 AM Son seconds nomination.
11:22 AM Point of information by the oldest daughter that she promised her friends she would drive them to the football game.
11:22 AM Chair rules that football games are irrelevant.
11:22 AM Oldest daughter protests ruling on the basis that this is unfair.
11:22 AM Point of information from youngest daughter that son is doing that thing with his lips.
11:23 AM Chair instructs son to discontinue all things with lips.
11:23 AM Spontaneous speech from oldest daughter on the subject of her nomination. Emotional delivery, concluding in statement for the record that she can't wait until she is eighteen and can have her own apartment.
11:23 AM Youngest daughter states for the record that she can't wait, either.
11:24 AM Question for the nominee from the son: will the apartment have a pool?
11:24 AM Chair calls for a motion to close nominations.
11:25 AM Youngest daughter nominates son for the job of picking up sticks.
11:25 AM Nomination seconded by oldest daughter.
11:26 AM Nominee delivers short speech on the subject of the nomination, the theme of which seems to be, "hey, I had to clean up the dog poo."
11:30 AM Chair calls for the close of nominations.
11:30 AM Son nominates chair for job of picking up sticks.
11:30 AM Nomination seconded by oldest daughter.
11:31 AM Chair rules itself ineligible.
11:32 AM Debate: Why should fathers be exempt from stick duty when he's the one who wants to destroy the environment?
11:45 AM Chair calls for an end to the debate.
11:45 AM Everyone present having been nominated, the chair declares the nominations closed. The list of nominees is then read, with the chair calling for a voice vote. No votes are recorded by the chair.
11:46 AM There having been no vote, the chair rules that the oldest daughter shall have the job of picking up sticks.
11:47 AM A statement is read into the record by the oldest daughter, identifying the chair as the meanest man who ever lived.
11:55 AM Motion to adjourn by youngest daughter.
11:55 AM Motion seconded by son.
11:55 AM Chair rules that we have nineteen more chores to go through so sit down and shut up.
11:56 AM Point of information by oldest daughter that she will not pick up sticks for anything less than ten dollars.
11:57 AM Chair declares all chores are voluntary and therefore no compensation will be paid.
11:58 AM Point of information by youngest daughter that a quorum no longer exists because oldest daughter has locked herself in the bathroom and is screaming I hate you I hate you.
11:58 AM Chair rules oldest daughter must come out of the bathroom.
11:59 AM Point of information (through bathroom door) that chair is ruining her life.
11:59 AM Point of information by youngest daughter that son is doing that thing with his lips again.
12:00 PM Chair restricts all family members to the grounds, discontinues telephone and TV privileges, and announces that no one will be allowed to eat until the chores are completed.
12:00 PM Question for the chair by son: Does TV include Nintendo?
12:01 PM Chair rules that TV does include Nintendo.
12:01 PM Point of information from youngest daughter that she was supposed to have Whitney spend the night tonight.
12:02 PM Chair suspends all sleepovers, parties, and civil liberties.
12:03 PM Youngest daughter departs meeting and locks herself in a different bathroom.
12:04 PM Question for the chair by son: What are we supposed to do if we have to pee?
12:04 PM Meeting in recess pending extrication from bathroom.


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Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 1998
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