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Kids Write the Darndest Things

by Richard Lederer

(from More Anguished English, Dell Books, 1993)

History Bloopers * Literature Bloopers * Music Bloopers * Science Bloopers

History Bloopers

- Early Egyptian women often wore a garment called a calasiris. It was a sheer dress which started beneath the breasts which hung to the floor.

- The great wall of China was built to keep out the mongrels.

- Pompeii was destroyed by an overflow of saliva from the Vatican.

- In 328 B.C. Rome was invaded by the Gals.

- Roman women built fires in their brassieres.

- Julius Caesar was renowned for his great strength. He threw a bridge across the Rhine His dying words were "And you too -- you brute!"

- Rome was invaded by the ballbearings.

- At the battle of Hastings the Angels and the Saxons were defeated by the Mormans.

- Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak.

- In the Middle Ages knights fought on horses. This was called jesting.

- Martin Luther was on a diet of worms.

- Henry VIII by his own efforts increased the population of England by 40,000.

- The title "Defender of the Faith" was given to Henry VIII after he was annulled.

- The death of Queen Elizabeth I ended an error.

- The two major religions of Ireland are Catholic and Prostitute.

- The pillory was where people were pubicly punished for their sins.

- John Paul Jones became one of America's great nasal heroes.

- The capital of Ethiopia is Adidas Ababa.

- In the middle of the eighteenth century all the morons moved to Utah.

- The difference between a president and a king is that a king has no vice.

- The system of checks and balances means that you have to keep a balance in the bank to write checks.

- Under President Adams there was an Alien and Sedation Act.

- The process of putting a president on trial is known as impalement.

- William Henry Harrison did not wear a coat and hat when he was sworn in as president and soon died of ammonia.

- Muckrakers were people who wrote about the sordid aspecrs of life such as Ida Tarbell.

- During his term of office, Woodrow Wilson had many foreign affairs.

- During the first twenty years of the century there was much suffrage from women.

- The leader of the Bolsheviks was John Lennon.

- In Hitler's Germany a huge anti-semantic movement arose.

- They are fighting a civil war in Serbia because the Bostonians, Crates, and Hertzgodivas want to get rid of the Serves.

Literature Bloopers

- The two kinds of book printed are friction and non-friction.

- This is the best book I never read.

- Poetry is when every line starts with a capital letter and doesn't reach the right side of the page.

- My favorite myth was Jason and the Huguenots.

- Being between the Scylla and Charybdis means that whichever way you go, you are going to get got.

- A fairy tale is something that never happened a long time ago.

- Chaucer was the father of English pottery.

- William Shakespeare was famous for writing and performing tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies.

- The Montagues and the Capulets were fighting in the pubic square.

- Romeo and Juliet tell each other how much they are in love in the baloney scene.

- Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

- In The Merchant of Venice, the Rialto is the busiest part of Venus.

- Brutus was a tragic hero in spite of dying in the end.

- During the banquet scene, Lady Macbeth was afraid that her husband would expose himself in front of the guests.

- Hamlet had an edible complex.

- Shakespeare wrote his plays in Islamic pentameter.

- Bacon was a man who thought he wrote Shakespeare.

- Rambo was a French poet.

- A great Jewish leader in Scotland was Rabbi Burns.

- Lord Byron wrote epics and swam the Hellespont. In between he made love drastically.

- The novels of Charles Dickens are mellow dramatic and full of truth and sediment.

- America's first president was Washington Irving.

- In Drums Along the Mohawk, while fleeing an Indian attack, the heroine hurriedly stuffed her enormous hams into a seat in the wagon.

- I like the story The Last of the Moccasins.

- Madame Bovary's problem was that she couldn't make love in the concrete.

- Harriet Beecher Stowe's famous novel about the evils of slavery was called Uncle Tom's Cabinet.

- In The Scarlet Letter, Hester Prynne and Arthur Dimmesdale had sexual intercoarse.

- And so, Hester Prynne had to stand up and show the scarlet letter to the community, which was clinging to her breast.

- Captain Ahab was abscessed by a White Whale in Herman Melville's The Great White Dick.

- In Ibsen's Ghosts, Oswald dies of congenial syphilis.

- In Little Women, Amy had an air of refinery about her.

- The Sherlock Holmes stories were written by Sir Arthur Cohen Doyle.

- Jake Barnes, in The Sun Also Rises, was injured in the groin region, and was impudent for the rest of his life.

- The theme of The Catcher in the Rye is that Holden Caulfield leaves the world of childhood and enters the world of adultery.

Music Bloopers

- Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written a long time ago.

- An opera is a song of a bigly size.

- I know what a sestet is, but I'd rather not say.

- Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

- A harp is a nude piano.

- Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

- My favorite composer is opus.

- Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

- Stradivarius sold his violins on the open market with no strings attached.

- Even though he was deaf, Beethoven's symphonies were music to his ears.

- Do you know that if Beethoven were alive today, he'd be celebrating the 160th anniversary of his death?

- A very liked piece is the Bronze lullaby.

- Aaron Copland is one of our most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.

- In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda, who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio gets stabbed also, and they all live happily ever after.

- At one time, singers had to use musicians to accompany them. Since synthesizers came along, singers can now play with themselves.

Science Bloopers

- Our new teacher told us all about fossils. Before she came to our class, I didn't know what a fossil looked like.

- Iron was first smelled in 1759.

- One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

- A squid is sort of like a small jellyfish, except that it has ten to twelve testicles that hang down from its body.

- Our biology class went out to explore the swamp and to collect little orgasms.

- The four stages of metamorphosis are egg, lava, pupil, adult.

- A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

- Americans throw away thousands of tons of food that some Asian child could be eating.

- The sun is a natural source or ultraviolent rays.

- We get our temperature three different ways. Either fairinheit, cellcius, or centipede.

- The sun makes one resolution every 24 hours.

- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water and forcing it through an aviator.

- Part of the problem in trying to control population in the Third World is that it is against the people's religion to use preservatives.

- Sex is not only having two people go to bed to get rid of their frustration. It's what you get out of it. Sex can bring about trust and caring deeply for one another, which can create an endurable relationship.

- Isaac Newton passed the law of gravity.

- Pavlov studied the salvation of dogs.

- Franklin D. Roosevelt was crippled by Polyhole.

- My aunt won't be having any more kids because her tubes are tired.

- A molecule is so small that it can't be observed by the naked observer.

- Extinct birds lay very few eggs.

- A porcupine is an animal with many pricks.

- Without electricity we would still be in the dark ages.

- A liter is a nest of small animals.

- A magnet is something you fill find in a bad apple.

- A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

- The pelvis protects the gentiles.

- In biology today, we digested a frog.

- Our heredity is determined by the number of jeans our mother and father gave us.

- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into your nose until it drops down into your throat.

- The big artery in your neck is called the jocular vein.

- The heart beats faster when you are younger, average when you are middle age, hardly at all when you are old, and not at all when you are dead.

- Between birth and seven years of age, the mother should be home with her children.

- Cider, the farmer's wine, is most refreshing. It tastes good with turkey, ham, and chicken. It is good with family, friends, and even strangers.

- I am pro-choice. Even to think that an unwanted pregnancy should last to full term is abdominable.

- Most of the people in the nation drink over 650 gallons of alcohol each year.

- A circle is a round straight line with a hole in the middle.

- To find the number of square feet in a room, you multiply the room by the number of feet.

The Body
The human body is composed of three parts: the Brainium, the Borax, and the Abominable Cavity. The Brainium contains the brain. The Borax contains the lungs, the liver, and the living things. The Abominable Cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five: A, E, I, O, and U.

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