Back to School

Survival Guide

I was doing some thinking today. But then my head started to hurt, so I stopped. Then an idea came to me out of the blue. After taking some aspirin to deal with the pain, I decided it was time for a new Lestatheist page. This time, a back to school guide so you can survive one more year of torture from people who don't have enough combined common sense to stop at a STOP sign, and being forced to associate with people much lower than ourselves -- Non-Lestatheists. Well, not necessarily, but at least Thems. So read on. If you're not a student, read it anyway. I spent a lot of time on this, believe it or not. And it might give you some helpful tips about work. I'm bitter and resentful about my job too, so it might slip in there.

This first page is about being prepared. Others include:
Avoiding Work
Dressing For Success....Well, sorta.
The First Week
The Academics of High School

Be Prepared.

What should you have with you? Well, obviously your backpack/book bag is only so big and with all those books and binders you're forced to carry, there's not much spare room. The best thing you can do is get an extra locker and keep it stocked with emergency supplies. You never know when you'll need a whip, a disguise, a few good CDs or another book. However, sometimes selfish schools charge a small, pointless fee for lockers to satisfy their own greed. If you don't have the cash or don't want to bother, you still have options. (I have a car, hence I must by gas, and pay insurance. It may sound cheep, but ten bucks is a lot, damn it, especially for a locker.)

Think of every possible situation that can occur at school, given your peers, teachers, campus, etc. Then eliminate most of the improbable ones. (You know, the ones where vampires live under the drama building.) Stick to the ones that make the most sense. (The vampire one makes sense to me, but the city commission assures me there aren't hidden caverns under the school theatre.)

Examples of Probable Scenarios to Plan For:
(And How to Deal)

Highly Probable School Situation Facts What to Do/Have
You're trying to get to class on time to avoid a long lecture about "responsibility". Thems are standing in clusters, blocking the halls. You still have to go to your locker and then find your friend to borrow her history book. Thems are rude and inconsiderate. They naturally flock to doorways to form groups where they discuss pointless topics like what to wear to the movies that night or how many times Joe* the Jock chewed his pencil in Bio. In some countries, it would be legal to execute Them on the spot. However, your best hope here is to push your way rudely through the crowd. Make a "get in my way and die" look. (This works really well if you're already known as a "creepy" guy or girl.) If someone decides to comment on your actions, explain the purposes of a "hallway" or "doorway". Mention that it's not meant for conventions. Also, you can use your backpack to clear the path if worse comes to worse .
You left your math book at home, and you don't know anyone in the same class. You always need your math book to work out of, so hoping you won't need it won't work. Depending on teacher, you may be asked to share a book with a classmate or use a classroom set. Unless your teacher is sadistic--and most of them are--in which case you'll be forced to sit in class and watch grass grow out the window; then you get to do all the work at home or take an F if your teacher is a real winner. If you're willing to face the music, you can go to class. Sharing a book with a Them might be tough--they're willing to share with others of their kind, but when it comes to you, they'll probably resent you for it. My best suggestion is to ditch. If that's not possible thanks to tighter restrictions on campus, you can go to the nurse and claim you have a really bad headache. It can suddenly disappear at the end of the period. (Note: Some schools require you either go home or you call a guardian to come get you if a problem is bad enough to keep you out of class. Tell them you can't drive with a headache. Call time and claim no one's home.)
A Them dares to ask you one of their annoying, idiot questions. Examples of these--not that it's hard to recognize stupidity--are: "Why do you always wear all black?" or the classic "Do you drink blood?" Other times they give you taunting nicknames, such as "Vampire Chick" or "Insane Man".... Oddly enough, it scares them when you say "Thank you" Remind yourself that Thems ask questions for one of two reasons. (1) They really want to know the answer. This is rare. (2) They want to humiliate you. Asking the question does that, however, and your answer doesn't mean anything. The best you can do is frighten them to prevent further attacks on your peace. Also, you shouldn't care what other people think, especially Thems. If it's a yes or no question, answer the one that makes you look the creepiest. If not, come up with a witty or creative response. If you don't want to exert effort, just say whatever comes to mind. "Why do always wear black?" "Because I don't like you!" or "It's actually suppose to repel negative energy. Since you're here, I guess it's not working." etc. Always say it with a straight face and a tone of voice that suggests they'd better not ask anymore questions unless they want their throats torn out.

More situations to come. Remember these things when dealing with any situation at school:


Go On