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Wednesday, 29 October 2003

You Might Not Want to Read This...


Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing:

I'm full of snot. Literally a wall of moist green soft-centre tissues has formed around me.

It got me to thinking about effluvia (doesn't take much, admittedly), particularly after last night when the gorgeous Tess messaged me from Belfast to say that all the English are obsessed with shit.

And why not?

I'd have to go a long way to beat the glorious Niki's poo-obsessed posts of late, and she's from Chicago, not ye Olde Browne Country. Mind you, she's not yet gone this far. That curry does look a little fecal, does it not?

Anyway, effluvia. I have weird veins -- they pop sometimes. If you pressed my arm too hard, it would become a hand shaped bruise. (At 16, I had a fight with a boyfriend. Not a serious proper fight, we were bored and seeing how much more power you could put in a punch if you pulled back your fist into a 'claw' shape, before throwing from the shoulder. The answer was: gains considerable impact. I knocked out one of his teeth, and had to wear long sleeve sweaters / lie that I'd been in a car accident for a month.)
I blame the pasty-skin Celtic heritage (take that, Belfast!), but I bruise so easy that I sometimes don't need the original impact at all. I just feel a weird ache in a wrist or a finger for an hour or so, then ... pop ... large swollen black digits. The first time it happened, I rushed to an A & E.
Exhaustedhousedoctor: "You have a bruise, madam."
Me: [shrieking] "But it's filled with black blood and swollen to eight times the size! My artery just exploded!"
Exhaustedhousedoctor: [sighs] "That's what a bruise is."

Anyway, while working through uni in a |malecentredindustry| McJob, near Arsenal (lasting effects: a fondness for shouting "Up the Arse" at your father), I used to exploit the exploding vein syndrome in order to alleviate the boredom of dealing with tipsy bloke customers who permanently addressed my knockers, and used to while away their own boredom by seeing how red a single comment could make my cheeks go.
Only, because I worked Saturdays, and because I was twenty-one, and trying to be 'wild', I used to generally turn up for work in the most awful |morningafterthenightbefore| sort of state. One time I wandered in to McJob twelve hours after taking my second ever tab of E (ee, those were the days), gave away #120 to strangers from Perth, and had to wear a miniskirt for the next three weeks to save myself from unemployment.
The week of the exploding arse was the worst, though.

I was fortunate, I knew, to be working one of the joints with a bog, or the whole sorry tale could have rendered this blog the victim of a million scat searches.
Slow morning, only one near dead pensioner overcome with the jitters, usual regs still all in the pub next door, working themselves up to their weekly *makevanessablush* challenge.
Stomach rumblings. Nice quiet moment to excuse myself to the loo by the manager's desk. Once inside, it's a windowless fan-assisted closet. One of those situations where it's you, the Sixties spit-flush slimline bog, a ten year old crusty loo brush and the fag end of an Asda bogroll. Okay, I could tell that I was packing solids, so perhaps if I folded the eight squares then separated them carefully into tiny, pleated squares, I could make it.
I don't know what I'd taken the night before, but it was not going to agree with the tiny pleated squares theory.
Cue anal explosion. Didn't even make it to the bowl in time -- it all happened while hovering. Chris Ofili would have been proud of what I plastered on those walls.
I won't go into too much detail about the clean-up, except to say that all eight squares were prioritised for my arse, thankyou, sod the walls.
I was in that stinky airless room for ninety minutes, co-workers hammering on the door. It took many many flushes, and it was me, my bundled up knickers (the only disposible item of clothing I could bear to use as a washcloth) and the bog brush scrubbing the walls in horror for almost every one of those minutes.
Finally, I flushed the knickers, adjusted my clothing and tried to calm the raging beleisha beacon that was my face. I opened the door to face the horrified boss sat at his desk, 30 centimetres away. Behind me, the walls of the lav were clearly soaking wet.
"What? I'm fine. But do you mind if I go home now?"

A week later, I turned up after an entire week on amphetamines, speeding my tits off, latest shag in tow, to resign.
Horrifiedboss: "You're not normal. It's not normal to wear see-through tops to work, go bright red all the time and have exploding veins. You wanna see a doctor."
I've always had half a crush on him for not including in that exit line any reference to anal explosions.

Footnotes:
1. He still invited me to his wedding.
2. I poo quite regularly and normally now.
3. And I never take drugs.
4. Vic dared me to blog a virtually unbloggable reminiscence involving old men, park toilets and a used condom, but my family read this blog, so I won't. I don't think my mum is the type to be upset by drugs or poo.
5. I half hope the longtime ex who goes weirdqueasy about shit reads this post. And recalls the other two anecdotes I didn't blog. Hah!
6. I ate all those scones.
7. Normal service will be resumed when I'm not ill any more.

This page graced by sarsparilla at 3:33 PM GMT
Updated: Wednesday, 29 October 2003 3:41 PM GMT
Post Comment | View Comments (18) | Permalink | Share This Post

Wednesday, 29 October 2003 - 6:25 PM GMT

Name: Kat
Home Page: http://www.mostlyfluff.blogspot.com

This was funny and utterly disgusting all at the same time. Of course after that there shouldn't be too many things that would embarrass you!

My family doesn't read my blog. :0)

Wednesday, 29 October 2003 - 7:17 PM GMT

Name: tess

Several points;
a) Woohoo, someone onthe internet said I am gorgeous, so it must be troooooo :-D

b) You are obsessed with all bodily excretions, poo just seems to be your favorite.

c) Celtic pasty skin is referred to as pale and interesting. Please remember this! lol

d)You are too generous for your own good - giving money away is not a good habit to get into. Btw, I hat e the placename Perth. It always sounds like spitting out after a blow job. Peeeerrrthhhh. Peeerrrrrrrrrtttthhhh.

I want to stop reading at the exploding arse bit.
I really wish I had stop reading now I'm at the mid air explosion bit. Can't believe you want people to read this.

1 Did you go?
2 I don't need to know
3 Ha!
4 OMG, if my mum read my blog I would have to invent a special one for her eyes only
5 Keep them to yourself please
6 Is that behind one of th other two unblogged happenings?
7 Get well soon xxxxxxxxx

Wednesday, 29 October 2003 - 7:31 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

a Course it is.
b Think you have a point there, actually.
c Pale, spotty and interesting doesn't sound so good.
d I have no memory at all of giving the money away, I just remember smiling a lot, and the sodding tight clothes I had to wear as penitence.
1. Yes, I did, but I got really really pissed a little too early (ie, before I went), and ended up at the wrong church.
2. healthy poos
5. Probably will do. Unless.... well, I might not.
6. No, thankfully.
7. Thanks. I'm really sick of being ill by now. This week is my holiday! Wail.

Wednesday, 29 October 2003 - 7:35 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Ahhh, see, but via my blog I today got crucial information that my sister wants a pair of wellies for her birthday. It's like rattling a cage. And my parents will never comment, because that would be as good as encouraging me.

Glad you're not puking.

Wednesday, 29 October 2003 - 11:48 PM GMT

Name: Lettuce
Home Page: http://www.animalswelike.com

Lordy. That suggestion at the top just wasn't quite emphatic enough you know.

Thursday, 30 October 2003 - 12:03 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Oops.

Thursday, 30 October 2003 - 12:35 AM GMT

Name: Vic
Home Page: http://jaynair.blogspot.com

Yay, this was a fabulous entry, probably the best so far on your blog. It even stands up alongside entries on my own sickness-vent.

Bless you to the stars.

P.S. I really want the used condom, park toilets anecdote, pleeeeaase.

Thursday, 30 October 2003 - 10:59 AM GMT

Name: sarah

what Vic said - I haven't laughed that much for ages, it made me wish I was drinking milk so it'd come out of my nose.

Thursday, 30 October 2003 - 12:30 PM GMT

Name: tess

If you're telling that one put a super-dooper effective warning at the top, please

Thursday, 30 October 2003 - 1:09 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

That one won't be told, rest assured.

Did he tell you the story? Ugh.

Thursday, 30 October 2003 - 11:49 PM GMT

Name: tess

No, he hasn't told me but I am trying to weedle (or should tath be wheedle?) it out of him as I type. Niehter of those spellings look right, I am trying to coax it out of him - that looks better.

He is denying all knowledge of a used condom, I shall have to beat it out of him next time he is here.

Friday, 31 October 2003 - 2:38 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Ask him about the alien child flushed down the bogs.

Friday, 31 October 2003 - 11:51 AM GMT

Name: tess

Ok, so now I know I am being wound up

Saturday, 1 November 2003 - 3:33 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

No, it's all true, which is why I'm not blogging it.

Saturday, 1 November 2003 - 5:01 PM GMT

Name: jatb

The English are not the nation most obsessed by @#%$!. I am the only English person in an Australian tour group. I tired of the @#%$! jokes on day 1. It is day 8 and the Australians still find even the word "@#%$!" funny.

Sunday, 2 November 2003 - 6:29 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

You're BLOGGING while you're on HOLIDAY?!!!!!

I don't care if they're obsessed with poo or we are - you're BLOGGING while you're on HOLIDAY.

I can't get beyond that one!!!!!! :o)

Sunday, 2 November 2003 - 4:30 PM GMT

Name: jatb

Its less holiday, more trial by Australian.
Anyway, I'm not blogging, I'm blog-commenting. Its an entirely different thing.

Sunday, 2 November 2003 - 10:08 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Whatev.... nice to see you. Hellooooooooo! *waves*

Bizarre how I'm fine with Americans, a continent away commenting on my site (- I'm so down with that, and other trite affected americanisms that fool no-one, et cetera) ... but let one Brit go abroad and yet still maintain contact via the net, and I'm like a tribesman seeing a telephone for the first time.

I was so scornful when my ancient granpa telephoned me from the phone next to my parents' peecee, and because of its proximity, pronounced "this is the first time I've ever chatted on the internet" before suddenly hanging up and going to see a turnip, or whatever it is old duffers do - and here I am, cyber waving because jatb is posting something from Egypt.

Wooooooooohoooooooo! Coooooeeeee! Can you see how many fingers? (etc.)

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