"The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one."
Wednesday, February 25th, 2004, (8:20 pm)
I am feeling...wordy
ďStarting OverĒ is a perfect title for my first journal entry. It seems as if I am forever starting over yet never actually getting anywhere. I am always racing my engine, spinning the proverbial wheels but going nowhere. Starting over, again, and again and againÖ
I donít know if you have ever awoke one morning to find your life in such disarray you donít know where to begin to fix it. I have opened my eyes to this dilemma each morning for more or less the last 10 years. For some reason, I have allowed my life to little by little deteriorate into the pile of rubble it now is. I silently stood by as my self-esteem, my self worth and self respect trickled away drip by drip until all that is left is this extremely large shell of the person I used to be. I donít want to be this person any longer. I am tired of being fat. I am tired of being broke. I am tired of being miserable and unhappy. I want to laugh and smile again. I want to be productive and fruitful again. I want to be an example to my children instead of an embarrassment. I want a life which includes more than food and television. I want to start over, build a better life, a better me. I want out of this grave I have dug myself into, but, how?
Thatís the hitch. Itís not all that difficult to make the choice to change my life, itís actually doing it thatís the toughie. Duh, I know. ďIf it was easy, everyone would do itĒ. It is much easier to simply sit home, hiding behind these walls and allow life to go on. It is easy to avoid mirrors and pretend I havenít gotten as big as a house. It is easier to do nothing, but it definitely isnít satisfying. I am tired of sitting around watching life through a TV screen. I want/need to get up off my oversized ass, pick up the pieces of my shattered confidence and make something happen. The time is now. Carpe diem!!
I am a procrastinator. I delay, put off, ignore, postpone and purposely turn my back on tasks I do not want to do. I do this to such a degree that I am now eye deep in so much rubbish I am drowning in it. If only procrastination was an Olympic event, I would be a gold medalist; too bad no one actually pays someone to not do work, although I do remember hearing about farmers being paid NOT to grow crops, just my luck not to have a farm. E I E I O. The level my laziness has achieved is astounding, I truly amaze myself most days. This has to be my number one assignment, QUIT PROCRASTINATING NOW!!! Phew, I feel so much better now that thatís decided. ( =
Since procrastination is so obviously my first priority, losing weight is my second. I am deeply ashamed at the large mass of flab I have allowed myself to turn into. I hate the way I look, humiliated is so much more precise. Iím not going to go too much into it, I have a weight loss blog if you are interested in my progress. Help yourself. **Think Thin**
Next, I need a job. I really need a job. I am broke, completely and totally lacking in funds. I need to get a job, but I have limited skills. I had been working as a waitress until 3 years ago, when I quit (more on that at a later date). Now, Iím 47 years old, overweight and no skills. What do I do? I honestly have no clue, but I do need to figure out how to come up with some cash.
Looks as if I have an extremely long journey. You are welcome to come along if you choose or offer suggestions at any point. Just be kind, my soul is fragile at the moment.
Thursday, February 26th, 2004, (2:14 pm)
I am feeling..tired
Good morning!! Actually, itís afternoon and I didnít crawl out of bed until 10:30ish. I hate getting up; I so much prefer sleeping to facing the reality of my life. At least while I am sleeping I can dream of being something or someone else. Life is happier in my dreams. I am thinner, prettier, younger, and so much more relaxed. I can simply close my eyes and be whisked away to a happier place and time. Sleeping is so peaceful, except for the bad dreams, just too bad it isnít real. So, I get up, and attempt to face the day. Good morning!!
So far though, I am doing, hmmmmmmmm, letís say, better than yesterday, but then, just about anything is better than yesterday. I have picked up the living room, I have cleaned and organized a counter, and I am in the midst of cleaning the microwave. Cleaning the microwave should be an easy task but here, just about all we eat is microwaved so, to say the least, it was a disaster. Bleeck!! It already looks so much better. Woohoooooo!! Go me!!
Iím pooped already. Iím going to sit down and have a good lunch. I know I didnít conquer it all, yet, but, baby steps.
Friday, February 27th, 2004,(8:25 pm)
I am feeling..sleepy
I am so pooped tonight. I had myself quite a fruitful day. I still got up around 10:30ish, I just canít seem to get the motivation to drag my ass out of bed before 10. Part of the problem is that it is cold, we have no heat and a few of the windows donít work so well. Itís so much warmer and cozy in my bed, so there I linger.
I actually did get a fair amount accomplished today. I did laundry, all the bedding for myself and my youngest son. I cleaned most of the bathroom, that place is just disgusting. Bleeck!! I even did some cleaning in the kitchen. I can not believe how nasty this place has become. I hate, really hate, cleaning house, and about 7 years ago, I quit. I quit cooking, I quit doing laundry, and I quit cleaning. I was simply tired of being the only one who truly made an effort around here without even being appreciated, (thereís far more to this story but Iíll save it for another time). I picked up here and there, I cleaned my mess, but I figured if they wanted to wallow around in their squalor, then so be it. I never imagined they would be perfectly fine with it. So now, I have to do something. Itís just sickening. Yuck!!
I took on a new philosophy today. ďSlow and steady wins the race.Ē I usually try to do too much, set my sites too high, and am nearly always disappointed in not being able to fulfill unrealistic goals. This time I decided to just take it one day at a time, step by step. If I do a little today, and a little tomorrow, and so on and so on, eventually, it will get done. Thatís it. Be happy with what I do, and just keep doing it, bit by bit. Sounds so simple, why did it take me so long to come up with it?
I also set up a ďyard saleĒ web site. Iím broke, and I am trying to put a little cash in my pocket by selling a few of my favorite things. Over the years I have collected an item or two, but I really need to try to become financially solvent. Iíve listed these items on eBay and hopefully, ::fingers crossed::, I can raise a few bucks. Check it out.. **Yard Sale**
Saturday, February 28th, 2004, (12:20 am)
I am feeling...moody
I am having major mood swings today. One minute Iím happy and bubbly, the next Iím feeling lost and alone. Iíve had a decent day, took the day off from cleaning, (I know I only started cleaning a few days ago, but honestly, from not doing anything in the past few years, I am sore. Is that pathetic or what?), watched television. Saturday TV sucks. Talked to my daughter a couple times. She wants to take me to lunch tomorrow to meet her boyfriend. Sheís been going out with him for a few months now, I usually meet her ďfriendsĒ sooner, but I am very self conscious about my appearance. I hate the way I look and Iím afraid Iíll shame her. She swears I donít, but I donít understand how I donít. So, looks like itís on for tomorrow. I just wish I weighted about 100 pounds less than I do, and had something decent to wear. Oh wellÖ
Sunday, February 29th, 2004 (actually March 1st),(1:47 am)
I am feeling...sleepy
I canít sleep. I keep tossing and turning, dosing off and on but I canít get into a good sleep rhythm. I hate that. So, here I am, attempting to bore myself, (and you along with me unfortunately), to sleep.
I had a good day today. We, (my youngest son) and I met my daughter and her boyfriend for lunch at the Olive Garden. Usually, I would have done anything and everything to avoid going because I am so ashamed of my appearance. Iím overweight, I donít have anything besides sweat pants to wear, and I need a haircut bad. But, this time, I got over myself. I simply bucked up, donned my best sweats, stuck the hair up with a clippie and went. We had a great time. L (my daughter) and I have a great connection. Just amazing and I have allowed this bond to somewhat diminish because I have been neglecting it. I have permitted my negative feelings about myself to slip in between us, but, no more. Like I said, I sucked it up and went, and it was great. Her boyfriend seems very nice; he treats her well, and appears to be extremely gentlemanly. I like him. She deserves to be treated like the goddess she is. I love you, baby girl.
I have made a pledge to get out more. I have been hibernating for way too long. Shame is a terrible thing. I have been so embarrassed about the way I look that I simply hide from the world. Iím tired of missing out. Iím tired of watching television 24/7. I want a life back. I want to have fun and laugh. I want to be me. Me me me!!! But for now, I want to sleep.