This is a collection of all the things that didn't fit it anywhere else, and I think you should only come here when you're bored. I'll update it from time to time, and, well, that's about it! enjoy.
"Heaven knows that alcohol is the worst thing in the world, but it's debatable whether
cocaine is worse than caffeine or whether it's the same thing and they just changed
the name." -- MERLE HAGGARD
Nine Things that Piss Me Off - Adam Sandler
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is
yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.
People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk
to the TV and change the channel manually.
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake
you can't eat?
When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking
after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No ASSHOLE, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre
and stare at the friggin ceiling up there.
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"..... Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If
it's an improvement, then it must not be the first one!!
When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole you
fucking pulled me over!
Things I've Learned
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones who do.
I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.
A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out. He
went to the local pet shop and asked the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but
the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do
Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!" "OK," the man
thought, "I'll give it a try," so he bought it and took it home. Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes.
The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that
look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried, and put away. "Great," thought the man.
Now he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. Fifteen minutes later the house is spotless. Wow,
thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told
the centipede, and off it went.
Fifteen minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. Forty-five minutes and
the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the centipede. As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede. "Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for
the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?"
"Hold on a minute!" said the centipede, "I'm still putting on my boots!"
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate
chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning
against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the
stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath,he leaned against the
door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate
chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife,seeing to it that he left this
world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a
rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly
bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table,
when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his
wife............................. "Fuck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
Stuff I Know You Were Wondering About
- If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup
of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)
- If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
- The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
- A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)
- Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)
- Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?
And, why isn't the pig included in this list?)
- On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
- The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)
- A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
- The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side
when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the gov't pay for this research??)
- Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....?,Who cares!)
- The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
- A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
- The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping
the males head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....")
- Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity!)
- Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, jeez! - What if they step on some shit?)
- Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
- An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people that are like that.)
- Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that are like that too!)
- Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to
extend your arm and smack the asshole upside the head.
10 words that don't exist, but should:
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow `remove' all the germs.
ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until she finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.