useless stuff

"Heaven knows that alcohol is the worst thing in the world, but it's debatable whether cocaine is worse than caffeine or whether it's the same thing and they just changed the name." -- MERLE HAGGARD

Nine Things that Piss Me Off - Adam Sandler

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat?
5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No ASSHOLE, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the friggin ceiling up there.
7. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"..... Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
8. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then it must not be the first one!!
9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole you fucking pulled me over!

Things I've Learned

1. I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
2. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
3. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
4. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
5. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.
6. I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
7. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
8. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
9. I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones who do.
10. I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
11. I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
12. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
13. I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

Centipede

A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asked the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing."
Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!" "OK," the man thought, "I'll give it a try," so he bought it and took it home. Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried, and put away. "Great," thought the man.
Now he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. Fifteen minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told the centipede, and off it went.
Fifteen minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. Forty-five minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the centipede.
As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede. "Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?"
"Hold on a minute!" said the centipede, "I'm still putting on my boots!"

The Cookie

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath,he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife,seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife............................. "Fuck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

Stuff I Know You Were Wondering About