My first memories are memories from abuse. As an infant I was introduced to the cult and became their possesion. The cult used me for all their dirty games. They abused me physically and sexually for their own pleasure.
Every Tuesday the members of the cult came together. Every Tuesday they had the same rituals, along with some special unpredictable ceremonies every now and then.
Those unpredictable rituals were the worse. Some of them took place in a tiny little room specially equipped for sacrifices.
When the door opened from that room I was terrified, for me opening that door meant even more torture, pain and hurt.
I wasn't the only baby, I remember days when we were with 4 or 5 little children. The cult liked it to see us "play" together and they also liked to see us "play" with animals. I can tell you that I hated this even more then when the adults were abusing me.
After the opening ritual there was a sort of sermon to honor Satan. All the members of the cult believe that Satan is their father. All the sacrifices are made in Satan's name. All the abuse took place in Satan's name.
It is too much to tell you all the details of the abuse. I can tell you that it was too much for one person to endure. Therefore I created more personalities. I wasn't alone when all of this was going on and I am not alone at this moment. You can find more information about DID on my DID page.
During the Tuesday ceremonies there was always a sacrifice. Most of the time the cult used an animal. It had to be alive and the killing was slow and painful for the animal. I still hear some animals screech. But at that time I just didn't know any better. I drank the blood, which was still warm and mixed with wine. I drank it because I thought it was the way it should be. Now I feel so terrible and guilty about that and some other things I have done... The hardest part to tell you are the human sacrifices. I know it is hard to believe but I guess it is even harder to make this up. Most of the time when a human sacrifice was made the cult used an infant sometimes it was a child at the age of 7. Seven is a very important number in the cult I grew up in.
I saw 2 of my friends die on that stone altar in the little room at age of seven. I saw it happen and I knew that was going to be my destiny also. Sometimes I hoped that I would turn into seven soon because I didn't want to do what all those people (men and women!) wanted me to do.
After the sermon every man in the room had permission to rape me. Most of the time there were about 12 men and most of them used that permission.
When they were done with that they started to make love with each other or rape me again or other kids if there were other kids. This rape often resulted in very cruel physical abuse. In the room were all kind of torture instruments and most people liked to use them on me or one of the other kids.
Talking with each other was strongly forbidden. I broke that rule once and ended up in the basement where I was kept for almost 2 weeks, although it seemed like years.
The father would come in every now and then and rape me or molest me. I didn't get any food but the father found it pleasant to eat in the basement so I could see him eat. Sometimes he would promise me some food if I was a "good" girl, which meant that he could rape me while I pretended to like it.
When I reached the age of seven I got prepared for what I thought would be my last ceremony.
The mother prepared me always before the ceremonies. She would wash me and paint something on my forehead, I never saw what exactly she painted but I asume that it was the same sign as what the other kids used to have on their forehead.
That day, I can't tell you dates but I remember it as if it was yesterday, I was told to be the sacrifice for Satan. I had reached the age of seven and all the babies and children of the cult members who survived their baby years were meant to be sacrificed at age of seven (so I was told).
The day started as usual. After the orgy the high cult members came standing in a circle around the altar in the little room.
I was laying on that cold stone. I was scared, I was so scared. Although I new that death couldn't be worse then my daily life, I was terrified.
From the day I understood what they were saying I was told that I was a gift to Satan. I was a belonging to Satan. It was an honor in their eyes but I was scared.
The ceremony was long and painful. They cut my left wrist open and caught the blood in a bowl. The grandfather (also a cult member) let me drink from the bowl.
The evening seemed to last forever but to my suprise I survived this sacrifice. I still don't know why they didn't kill me but the next day I woke up in the basement. I will never be sure why I didn't die that night. There are days that I wish that I would have died. The years after that continued with torture and abuse and it only got worse.
Since I had survived the sacrifice the cult treated me like a sort of member. I had to marry Satan and it also meant that I had to make sacrifices myself.
I did this, I am guilty, I murdered in the name of Satan. I killed innocent animals and one day, a day that I re-live every single day, I killed a baby.
They gave me a knife and I killed the baby. I always thought that I wasn't able to do that, I always thought that I would rather die then kill a baby myself, but that day I did it. I know that I was under the influence of drugs, I know I was just a little girl, I know that I was brainwashed and taught to obey and I know that they would have killed me and the baby if I wouldn't have done it but there is no excuse for what I did. I will never forgive myself. I feel guilty and I know that I am guilty.
All this went on 'til I turned 12 and got my period. I was now able to produce a sacrifice in the form of a baby.
At age 13 I gave birth to a little baby girl. My baby girl. I didn't know what it was to be a mother, I played with her like she was my doll.
When my baby was 7 weeks old I had to give her in the hands of my father who gave my little girl to Satan. My girl, I am so terrible sorry for what was done with and to her. My heart breaks and will never be complete again. My little girl, my little baby.
I pray for her to be in heaven. I pray that she is in God's Garden. But after all the sins I commit I have doubts, very big doubts.
Losing my daughter was all that I could handle. For me that was the last memory I have from the cult. Other parts were still involved but for me the loss of my daughter was all I could handle from the cult. The abuse went on outside the cult by the father and thorugh the prositution but I was never present during cult activities.
When I was 26 I met someone on the internet. When I trusted her with details of my life she invited me to come and live with her. I choose to do so. I fled my home country and started living overseas. It took me and my other parts 5 years to totally break free from the cult. We now have no contact with the cult whatsoever since about a year. This was a hard fight. The cult doesn't just let you go and alters are programmed to come back or report back. The first 5 years after I left the country there were still parts that regulary called the father to update him. Also, I have a daughter who still lives with my father. She doesn't know that I am her mother but I called her regularly. My father used her to get to me and I had to stop that contact. That was a very hard thing to do. I wish I could have taken her with me but for now that is impossible. I have no papers to proof she is mine and she really needs to want to get away. I feel very guilty for leaving her behind but I don't see another solution right now.
I am really blessed that I was able to leave the cult. I have seen people getting killed for trying.
I am still on my healing journey and I know I still have a long way to go. I know I am blessed with the people around me who are willing to accompany me on this long and painfull journey. I am determined to heal and to use these horrible experiences for the good. I want to help other people break free from cults and help them heal from the abuse. I was given this precious gift of life without abuse and I would like to pass it on to others.