How to be a Cool Asian
- Wear clothes of two colors: your choice of black or
white.
- Own an alphanumeric pager with a built in answering
machine.
- Own a cellular phone.
- Have only Asian friends.
- Speak only in Asian languages.
- Dress as though you're headed for a party when you're
actually going to class.
- If you're a girl, BE SURE TO STUFF YOUR BRA.
- If you're a guy, BE SURE TO SOUP UP YOUR ACURA
INTEGRA.
- Smoke even if you don't know how to, especially if
you're with friends.
- Travel only in droves of 10 and above to parties.
- Go to all the cool Asian "intercollegiate parties"!
- Refuse to dance to anything but techno music.
- Whenever in droves of 10 or more Asians, stare
menacingly at all other Asians.
- Dance in circles at all parties and clubs.
- If you're a guy, BE SURE TO COP CHEAP FEELS OFF GIRLS
YOU LIKE!
- If you're a girl, BE SURE TO RUN YOUR FINGERS THROUGH
YOUR HAIR EACH TIME YOU SEE A HOT GUY!
- Wear only designer labels.
- Make sure designer labels are extremely visible.
- Better yet, make sure that the make is emblazoned on
the front of the apparel.
- Own a pair of Doc Martens.
- Be very good at pool. Own a cue stick if you can, even
if you know nothing about it.
- Make sure your parents are doctors, or better yet,
grocery store owners.
- Make sure you install every possible option you can in
your car.
- Own a sports car.
- Date only someone that a friend of yours has already
dated.
- Be an officer in the KSA/CSA of your respective
school.
- Be a Christian pretending to actually care about the
religion.
- Use church as a social ground to meet potential dates.
- If you're a guy, make sure your hair looks like the
head of a circumcised penis.
- If you're a girl, make sure your hair is colored with
tinges of brown or red for optimal "coolness."
- Two words: Manhattan Portage.
- If you're a guy, don't be embarrassed that your penis
is small. Instead, simply make sure that its size is
inversely related to the loudness of your car's
engine.
- If you're a girl, don't be embarrassed about your
small chest. Instead, make sure that its size is
inversely related to the amount of make up on your
face.
- If you're a girl, weigh no more than 75 lbs.
- If you're in a group of 10 or more friends, stare
menacingly at all interracial couples you see.
- If you're a guy, start having insecurities and
complain about the "theft" of your women.
- If you're a girl... well, Asian men never date
interracially anyway.
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