- got a long drive ahead today. i hope we can continue conflict free.
- we are so random. we get off the highway at "ranch exit: no services" park next to a cactus and sunbathe for an hour. ha. LOE! i miss my girls!
- i am definitely a fan of colorado. its been my favorite state to drive through so far. especially once we got to the rockies. felt like i was in switzerland with all the little towns tucked into the huge green hills.
- i am also a fan of nikki's cousin michelle.
30 May 2002 - frail and bedazzled
- being woken up by a park ranger at six in the morning is not as much fun as it sounds.
- the grand canyon is cool and really impressive but i wish we could have seen a different part of it. the north rim doesn't show the river at all. darn.
- zion was way cooler than expected.
- motel!!!! yay!!! shower!!! yay!!!
29 May 2002 - 1979
- so...trying for no more spats today
- I-5 is sooooooo long
- stopping in the middle of the desert to tan...random
- las vegas is pretty neat, especially the bellagio's water show. dinner was ridiculously good at smith and wollensky as usual.
- sleeping in the car in an RV village. uh-huh.
28 May 2002 - lucky 13
- liefs was fun. despite one little part. but he's a nice guy and fun to be around, as are his friends.
27 May 2002 - rocket
- so we had our first rough spot and it hasn't even been a day. we stopped in portland to visit a friend of nikki's and i got obnoxious cause i was feeling unincluded. but since its me and nikki of course we talked about it and worked it out in like a minute, cause we both knew exactly what the other was feeling. nice to have that. now we're at her friend liz jayne's house. she's one of nikki's oldest and best friends, and i like her a lot. we're in eugene, OR. tomorrow - TO CALFORNIA!!!! :) now i must to bed cause we are leaving at 6 AM!!! crazy nikki and beth!
26 May 2002 - ava adore
- today was great. we celebrated the birthdays of nikki, her dad, and her brother. they all are in the next week so they did them all together. i got to meet nikki's "girls" and they're great. they make me miss my own girls, though at the same time they kind of make me wish things weren't so hard with my girls sometimes.
- port townsend is so cute. the girls and nikki took me around and showed me stuff and its a cute little town. i see both things that i wish i had where i lived, AND things that prove to me i could probably never live there forever. though its been interesting nonetheless. TOMORROW WE'RE OFF!!!!!!!!
25 May 2002 - by starlight
- so i got to nikki's tonight. we've got tomorrow to waste and then monday is the trip!!! i'm quite excited for all the possibilities of things to see, conversations to have, and stuff to do. its going to be great. i'm sure. and i'm really looking forward to spending a lot of time with nikki. she's just great.
24 May 2002 - Spaceboy
- That's where I am today. My head is up in space. I can't believe I am leaving tomorrow. I haven't even done laundry yet, let alone packed. I'm sure I'll work it out. The job is good. I find the doctor's office very easy to fit in to, and full of exposure to things I've never seen up close before - i.e. the terrible US healthcare system....ha. But no really, I like it a lot, and at least I'm not doing idiotic work like filing, or something. Its real, and its cool. Too bad that Ali and Nikki are both working at Fridays though, its going to be sad when they are talking of things I have no idea about. Oh well. I'm happy they got jobs.
23 May 2002 - eye
- all too often i can see things from a third party eye that other people can't reach. objectivity is for some hard to grasp. some days i just wish i didn't have to spend my life fixing those of others.
- HOLY CRAP!!! 2 A minuses!!!!!!!! And neither in a class I was expecting. Evidently I kicked that households paper's ass, and that anthro final's ass. Helllllllz yea!!
22 May 2002 - soma
- happy hour with the girls was a good idea. even with the risks. ali and nikki are irreplaceable and i love them to death.
- damn that boxer. i can't afford to lose any more damn rounds.
21 May 2002 - cupid de locke
- the situation is still confused. another ambiguous round tonight. i just can't understand why knowing all i know i still think what i do. and feel what i do - though thats a little more understandable. we can't really control our emotions, now can we?
- i can't believe i'm leaving for the road trip on saturday. it's going to be a lot of fun. though i'm sad i'm going to be missing a lot here...
20 May 2002 - stand inside your love
- thoughts of certain people get a little bit less every day, and let me tell you - i couldn't be happier. i really couldn't. each time i think of them and think that i haven't thought of them in X days/hours whatever, its like a little victory. such is the road to recovery i guess. maybe i've finally moved out of the hilly pot-holey section. maybe.
- my number of hits has also taken a big hit, so to speak. i figure its just cause up at school with a T3 modem, constant connection, and loads of time to waste, people have much more of an incentive to read weblogs for an hour. whatever. i know i haven't checked out all the usuals lately either. just two or three important ones.
- ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGG! WHY AREN'T MY GRADES POSTED YET????? ARRRRRRG!
19 May 2002 - we only come out at night
- we'll see if this actually turns into a job. if it does i'll be quite pleased. a somewhat heavy salary for office work, good hours, and a place less than a mile from my house? good omens all around. look what temple can do for you.
- well my mom wasn't quite pleased with THAT little manipulation, but she'll live. ROUND THREE: also ambiguous. hmm.
18 May 2002 - rhinocerous
- dad's birthday. celebrating.
- good to have friends.
17 May 2002 - mayonaise
- nikki and i shouldn't have started that. i have this feeling we're going to regret it. still, it was damn funny.
- randomness...
- i'm not quite sure who won that round.
16 May 2002 - lily, my one and only
- well, i got home last night. 4 hour drive due to traffic, but it gave me a lot of time to think. and i made some decisions. (1) both eyentao and nadapues10 will come off my buddy list. big step towards rehabilitation...in my mind at least. (2) i will not make old mistakes i so often do this time of year. (3) i have five main goals - make money, read a lot, learn a comedic monologue, hang out with lots of people, and sleep. i WILL accomplish these. (4) i will hang out with whoever i want to this summer. no matter what anyone says. (5) the whippany boys will call ME. they will want to hang out with ME. i will not make this another desparation summer. (6) I WILL HAVE FUN, AND I WILL NOT NEED ANYONE BUT ME TO BE HAPPY. I SWEAR IT.
- so i had a great day today. perfect way to start out the summer. slept till noon, did a little work on my room, went with annie to see STAR WARS(!!!!), chilled with seth a bit, and hung out with my girls. not a bad first day. YAY.
- ROUND ONE: BETH
15 May 2002 - hummer
- well...its nearly summer. close enough. :-) one more. just one more. then freedom.
14 May 2002 - sweet sweet
- i skipped a day for the first time in 6 months. wow-weee. anyhow, i can't quite believe that school is wrapping up. its kinda crazy. but i'm sure lots of interesting days lie ahead. we shall see, though i'm certainly going to miss the folks up here at deis.
12 May 2002 - let me give the world to you
- school draws further and further to a close and i still seem no closer to closure. or at least tied up ends. i don't even need to get emotions sorted out. i just need to say some goodbyes...
11 May 2002 - muzzle
- well yesterday was shitty and great. i think i failed one final, passed the other, and i KNOW i had a great time with mel at the mall. i'm really glad we got to hang out.
- i'm really beginning to love the group here. i'd forgotten what an amazing dynamic it can create when you have a bunch of really interesting people who ALL hang out together ALL the time. fun stuff.
- that was an easy decision to make. one comes in, i go out.
- i wish i had remembered about the tournament today. thats what i get for not checking my email. arg.
- HMMMMMMMM. thats all i have to say about that one. don't know what was quite the right behavior.
10 May 2002 - tonight tonight
- its nearly 4am. new life philosophy: honesty. lack of insecurity. lack of inhibition. action, not reaction.
9 May 2002 - where boys fear to tread
- damn counting crows. the only day they come to the damn east coast happens to be the day i have 2 finals. arggggg...
- love this smashing pumpkins song title...funny stuff...(too bad its not true for the right people)
- in seven hours, i have TWO FINALS IN A ROW. yay.
- I HATE MY LIFE. I CAN''T WAIT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
8 May 2002 - crestfallen
- here you go:
I want you to know that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother
'Cause the love that you gave that we made
wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, 'til you died
But you're still alive
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her
'Cause the love that you gave that we made
wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, 'til you died
But you're still alive
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
'Cause the joke that you laid in the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it ..... well can you feel it
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
- so i decided i hate all girls who's names start with k and end with elly. yep. definitely some hate going on there.
- watch me do the "i - just - turned - in - my - last - paper" victory dance! woohoo!!! last paper of freshman year!!!! (not that i don't have 2 finals left, but i mean, c'mon...LAST PAPER!!!!)
- who the hell do i know at SUNY geneseo? hmm. dubious. whatever.
- some people act strange sometimes, and sometimes when people act strange i feel fuckin weird...
- need to get some FUCKING closure soon on so many fronts its ridiculous. if it doesn't happen, i might just have to kill someone.
- glad i got a chance to get that talk with lydia. that was good stuff.
7 May 2002 - zero
- saw a really good movie tonight. i'm sure you've probably seen it. its traffic. and it made me think. a lot. our country's problems with drugs scare me more than a lot of things in this world. i kind of have (some people think irrationally) built up drugs to be the ultimate enemy in my mind. i hate that people do them, i hate that they even exist. i hate that people get off all the time and get away with doing them, selling them, whatever. yet i am friends with people who do and deal drugs. yet i hang around people when they are doing drugs. yet i am still so often motivated to desire, without even knowing the reality. yes i am addicted to addictions. whatever it may be - food, smoking, lust, alcohol. whatever the flavor of the month. but i recognize that in all these things there are problems. yet for some reason in my mind i have drawn this arbitrary line. the line that says "drugs - not gonna go there." and then i get the line, "well alcohol is a drug." and i agree, but its a fault i've already got, not one that i can still do something about. but it scares me. because i see things like i saw tonight and man do i wonder. or i hang out with people like crack, or shaun, and i wonder. and at times i have had to seperate from people like that in my life because the temptation gets too great. i tell my parents that i don't partake in drugs. plain and simple. and i'm sure they love it. but i mention nothing about my drug dealer friends, my all too common pot smoking friends, and my far too often desires to some day some time just see what it would be like. to be released from this world that so often causes me so much pain. to just get away, however fake the other reality may be, to me it would be something. and i think about that. and i shut it out. because i'm afraid. and rightly so. i'm too sensible to subject myself to all the risks that come with. but some days i think a lot about it - and i'm willing, because hey, worst case, i end up gone, and some days that doesn't seem so bad. and if i went out in the most pleasure i'd ever had why not? because i'm stronger than that. because i'd like to convince myself that somehow this some way makes me better than others. because i won't do what everyone else does and just say, sure, drugs, whatever. but man oh man, some days i wonder....
- so 13 pages out of at least 15 are done. with four hours left to work tomorrow, i'm out. going to try to regain some sanity. "by the ponds, by the ponds..." wonder if he'll notice...
- of course he didn't notice. probably didn't even look. no bench is meant for one. twice through radiohead and no companion. futility is a bitter pill.
6 May 2002 - saturnine
- i'm not exactly sure what i think about this. if they are just meant to be who resembles who, than i think this: some of those make sense - i.e. alan lawn as raj (stellar analysis - i have lots of respect for both of them) or matt rand as arthur trialdi (uhhh, yeah...) or matt moon = marty roth (they both seem to be pretty amusing characters.) maybe. maybe. but some of them? totally seems like either wishful thinking, or like some people trying to give good opinions of others for certain unnamed purposes. no offense to pat, but really - the next time justin comes into some round piss ass drunk, and wanting to judge not debate, you can call him segal. until then, i see no resemblance. and no offense to josh - but he is NO brian fletcher, from what i heard of brian. at least not yet. i just don't think thats possible. anyways, i understand they're cute and all in fun - not like i wouldn't be flattered if someone compared me to emily garin - but i would have to say "thats nice, but also very untrue."
- so tempting to not get out of bed today. head is aching, 30 pages of papers due in the next 36 hours. why can't i crawl in a corner and pass out?
- i wish certain people in my life actually wanted to talk to me every once in a while...
- mmmm....more outrageous statements from households teacher who loves sex (& apparently marx...) well at least the paper is going to be a little easier now. hope i didn't waste everyone elses time.
5 May 2002 - the end is the beginning is the end
- so add another one to the "beth is the female drew" list. ugh. what is that now - 6?? i think there should be another part to that title - beth is the female drew + EEWWW. good thing my generally good senses didn't leave me last night.
- procrastinating from the 30 pages of paper i have to have written in the next 48 hours. yay.
- "maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen..."
- got introduced to a new band tonite - i REALLY REALLY like them. they're called busy signals, and they have an awesome album called "pretend hits." thanks, bevin.
4 May 2002 - perfect
- This is an amazing quote. Thats all needs be said:
"To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded." -Emerson
-wow. someone from holyoke. thats interesting. hmm...
- i am an idiot. i shouldn't have gone there. and i shouldn't have acted the way i did. she probably thinks that i am such an idiot. and she'd be right. hard to enjoy anything after that. idiot beth.
- i hate skeevy guys.
3 May 2002 - here is no why
- so i decided to be cute and make all my titles this month smashing pumpkins songs (in reference to the greater month title of "bullet with butterfly wings"). yay smashing pumpkins.
- still hate boys. even if they are quasi-courteous and stop holding hands with their girlfriend for two seconds as they walk by you. still hate them.
- spiderman = bad. don't go to it. at least the company was good. i'm a fan, even if it means i'm going to have to walk to rosenthal to visit a bunch next year.
- so i've been thinking a lot about what this year coming to a close really means. and i don't if i'm quite prepared to deal with all the realities that is going to bring. in some ways i'm more than happy to be getting away from brandeis for a little while. it means i might finally get some closure. it also means that i'll have a chance to get some "step-back" realizations about this year and the context that puts on my life. but i'm also not really looking forward to leaving in some ways. cause it means i have to deal with the ridiculous reality that 1/4 of my time in college is gone. just like that. and it also means that i'm going to have to say goodbye to some really special people. some for a little while, and maybe some forever. in some ways. and there are some i will miss more than others, despite the lackluster end to the year. and there are some i will miss a little. and there are some i'm happy to say goodbye to. and maybe thats not such a bad thing. either way - its going to be strange, and it might be harder than i think. then again - it may just be easier too.
2 May 2002 - beautiful
- guster!!!! yay!!!!
- still hate boys.
- i hope i can become even better friends with certain people as time in college wears on, cause right now they're great.
-funny how even if you are totally happy and satisfied in one area of your life, like with friends, and in that respect feeling totally fufilled, being lonely in another sense, i.e. romantically, can just ruin it all. one feels as though one is totally alone and unhappy even though some parts of their life are good, because they quantify happiness as "romantic happiness." boo on that.
1 May 2002 - disarm
- at least today its finally decent weather again
- ahhhhhh....SO MUCH WORK....
- some people are just nice, and its cool when you get to be friends with people like that.
- stuffed with love by....YOUR MOM....yeah thats right....YOUR MOM. fuck you you fucking mother fucker.
- let me give you descriptions of the ones that matter:
Obsessive-Compulsive
Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorder is similar to obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorder. People with this disorder are overly focused on orderliness and perfection. Their need to do everything "right" often interferes with their productivity. They tend to get caught up in the details and miss the bigger picture. They set unreasonably high standards for themselves and others, and tend to be very critical of others when they do not live up to these high standards. They avoid working in teams, believing others to be too careless or incompetent. They avoid making decisions because they fear making mistakes and are rarely generous with their time or money. They often have difficulty expressing emotion.
This is the kicker.
Dependent
Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a need to be taken care of. People with this disorder tend to cling to people and fear losing them. They may become suicidal when a break-up is imminent. They tend to let others make important decisions for them and often jump from relationship to relationship. They often remain in abusive relationships. They are overly sensitive to disapproval. They often feel helpless and depressed.
