July 2002
July 2002 - REMember the Times
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31 July 2002 – sad professor
- It kind of makes me sad that there are things about my brother that I don’t know and that his girlfriend does. I really wish that I knew him better – it just seems there are so few opportunities to get to talk about things. I mean we can talk about actual subjects all we want – politics, god, whatever – but to actually talk about ourselves is a bridge we rarely seem to cross. And its really really too bad. And I am sad.
30 July 2002 – texarkana
- Darn. No Robert Matarazzo tonight. I was so looking forward to seeing him. But at least there was Nikki and SuperSmashBros to make up for it. :-)
29 July 2002 – oddfellows local 121
- Sad to leave the shore, but fun times await at home.
- Hello NYC my old friend. So glad to see you again.
- Wow...just ran into someone I knew on the NYC subway – Amy Phillips. Its so weird that in a city this big you can see people you know from a totally different environment. I didn’t say hello though because it was just passing in the passageway and I was also afraid she wouldn’t remember who I was...
- No mostly Mozart free concert in the park. Why would the Lincoln Center Orchestra strike?? I can’t imagine its that they don’t get paid enough, but who knows...
28 July 2002 – star 69
- I am so stupid – why haven’t I figured out sunscreen yet??? The ozone-less sun of NJ is way more powerful than the beautiful Utah dessert...
- A good cry. Thanks Mike.
- Have not been this drunk in quite some time. I couldn’t for awhile. Its kind of a nice release to be able to just relax uncaringly again.
- Saaaaaaaandy Beth...
27 July 2002 – near wild heaven
- ahhh...finally a vacation from this 40 hour a week hell. Maybe it will be fun...maybe...
- wow. Ummmmm...wow.
26 July 2002 – low
- Guess what’s playing on the computer right now. Just guess. If you know, I’m almost not surprised. The American Beauty soundtrack of course. Didn’t even think about it – just double clicked and that was that. Se la vie I suppose… Too bad no one loves the ball of negativity…
25 July 2002 – the wrong child
- Maybe I should stop eating again. It worked freshman year, maybe it would work again. Maybe then I could look at my FUCKING self again…
24 July 2002 – feeling gravity’s pull
- It has arrived. Not quite in full effect yet but I feel it. The silk is lingering an inch above. Lord help me. Why now??? It doesn’t make any sense! I don’t understand why at times that should be some of the best in my life, because I’m with and around people who are good to me and who I love to be around, and yet I feel it. Lingering and longing in the dark corners of my mind. I’ve just been feeling so horrible about myself lately. Almost to the extent where I think I made myself sick tonite because I was so unhappy. It just seems all I can do these days is look in the mirror and see this out of shape, long faced, mostly unattractive woman. A woman with all the ideas and none of the motivation to pick or do one. A woman too cowardly to do something for true meaningfulness sometimes. A woman who’s mind doesn’t seem to quite function like everyone elses. One of her prices to pay, because, really, who can ever understand her? I cried two nights ago in the shower because the sight of myself depressed me. And its not just the physical appearance – though that alone is ceaselessly frustrating because I work out so much and never seem to get anywhere. Its just that standing there with the warm water pouring over me I was so harshly aware of being alive. And while one of the personal tenants of my so-called faith is thankfulness for life, I often wonder if I am wasting that gift. I guess I’m babbling tonight, but its just that I have so much to get out. I am unhappy. And its been a fairly long while (for me) since I’ve been like this. Yet coming home from the diner I had inklings to return to previous days and ways of stupidity (or desperation). I’m still not quite sure which it is. Either way I don’t have much reason to be upset --- I’ve been seeing my friends every day, things are going great with Ali, I have a job where I’m making good money, I’m getting some reading done, and there’s even a pretty darn good guy in the life right now. So where does the black silk come from? Who knows. All I know is that it likes lingering on the edges of my brain, and there it stays till I have enough strength or frustration to pull it off…
23 July 2002 – green grow the rushes
- I feel it coming on. I wasn’t quite myself with the group tonite - at the café, the diner, or the park. Jesus I hope its not what I feel it might be…
22 July 2002 – maps and legends
- me = fan of golf. Its too bad that it costs money like everything else in this world. I wish that entertaining ones self wasn’t so expensive. That’s alright, it’s a lot of fun. And I love hanging out with friends, and Ito and Felber are definitely friends.
- how nice of you to offer to come.
- starbucks. Fair enough.
- he’s kind of a cute guy upon a few recollections reflection.
- Wow. Alright. Definitely not what I was expecting to happen. Don’t quite know how I feel about all that yet. Don’t get me wrong - it was nice, but just soooooo strange. And not only was I not expecting it to happen, I wasn’t intending for it to happen either. Hmm….
21 July 2002 – why not smile
- especially when you are hanging out with your sister, and she’s just so damn great. I love rach, and I’m so glad that she and I are finally getting to catch up on all the lost time.
20 July 2002 – endgame
- well I guess for now I’ll just not have to worry about the endgame. I’ll just have to be. And at the moment, that’s okay with me. Thought we’ll have to see.
- weird. but good. but weird…
19 July 2002 – exhuming mccarthy
- minority report. Craaaaaazy movie. But 2052 is a little early for all that I’d think…
18 July 2002 – its the end of the world as we know it
- tonight the ultimatum. we shall see what ensues.
- maybe, just maybe.
17 July 2002 – hyena
- ali was a veritable hyena at the movies tonite. we really got a good laugh out of men in black II. and you know what? if something gives me a good laugh and puts a smile on my face i consider those dollars well spent. and i think thats a very healthy attitude to have. as long as i don't take it to extremes. cause i think its important to consider ones mental health as a sort of project - sometimes you just have to do stuff for it when for one reason or another you don't want to. (lack of motivation, lack of money, etc.) because its the most important thing you have - your mental health. and i intend to keep mine healthy, or die trying.
16 July 2002 – little america
- almost the only place where its commonplace to do something like say, place super smash brothers till 3 in the morning - fun fun times nikki! damn that jiggly-puff!
15 July 2002 – underneath the bunker
- i didn't know it was possible for one person to drop the ball SOOOO many times. i can't quite believe it. its like one "what the hell is wrong with you?" after another. i just want to shout AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG! into the phone every time i talk to him. grr grr grr.
14 July 2002 – walk unafraid
- glad to have tied up those ends. ALL of them…
13 July 2002 – disturbance at the heron house
- can someone please verify for me that someone really did try to assasinate the french president?? Can this be true??
- cards bball and video games. Throw in chinese food and it doesn’t get much better than that.
12 July 2002 – can’t get there from here
- arg arg arg arg arg arg. I curse the day god invented “tiredness.” What is the damn deal, Ito????
- maybe, however, I CAN get to boston from here. Hopefully fun times await at the mep house…
11 July 2002 – talk about the passion
- Talk about the passion?? Sure…or don’t. Sure, don’t talk about anything. It’s fine. Of course I have no interest in knowing what the hell is going on. DAMN BOYS. ARG ARG ARG ARG ARG.
10 July 2002 – crush with eyeliner
- committed friend is acting a little TOO noncommittal. What have I done? Number one, I’ve lost my upper hand, and number two, I’m definitely going the typical girl mental path. Damn damn damn.
9 July 2002 – welcome to the occupation
- tonight was one of the most amazing musical experiences I think I’ve had. He’s called robert matarazzo and he is AMAZING. There’s just no other way to describe it. He has the most beautiful voice, emotional lyrics, and talent filled performance. And to think for two years I’ve been missing out on the ability to hear his music and get to know it. He plays at this big café by me every other Tuesday nite. But he does bigger shows too. Hes playing at irving plaza this fall. Damn. I can think of one person in particular who’d be impressed with him. Too bad he doesn’t come to boston more often.
- committed friend and beth share noncommittal kiss. Uh-oh.
8 July 2002 – suspicion
- okay, now I KNOW I’m not imagining this. He is DEFINITELY flirting. What is going on??
- golf. I love golf. Picked up clubs for the first time in three years today. I used to be on my high school golf team – bet you didn’t know that. In any case, took me a while to warm up. We played an 18 hole par three, and I shot a 61 on the first half, and a 44 on the second. If I had done as well both times as the first I would have had an 88 which at least would have been respectable. But a 105???? Oy vey. That’s all I have to say…
- I hope ali appreciates that – eleven bucks on a damn twenty dollar check. But hey, what are friends for I suppose, eh?
- wow. a proposition without proposing. a lingering for a kiss without the kiss. a good friend wants non comittal fun. what will this verdict be???
7 July 2002 – nightswimming
- becoming a regular routine, nightswimming is. Knew loughlin was good for something. Hahaha, just playing if you read this loughlin. Though I hope not because I’m about to talk about how weird you were acting tonite. Strange to be flirted with by someone who you’ve generally thought of as your brother.
- uh-huh. Apparently all of june before the 10th is gone. Just gone, wiped out. And I hadn’t backed up june yet. Damn damn damn. Well that just sucks….
6 July 2002 – shiny happy people
- family days. Nice to have those every once in a while. Saw my english cousins today who I haven’t seen in four years. They’ve gone from 10 and 7 to 14 and 11. Crazy just how pivotal those years can be in changing a person. And a really neat experience for me to see it in the third person. Gotta love it when life just stares you in the face like that sometimes.
- harry potter. Just plain fun.
5 July 2002 – perfect circle
- the lydians are here!!!! Its been nice to be spending time with a group of friends other than debate friends. These are great kids – I just wish I had figured that out earlier. Chillin in New Brunswick’s been an interesting weekend diversion.
4 July 2002 - bang and blame
bang! bang! whistle! bang! boom! whistle! boom! bang!
...blame them for the misery. blame them for what you wish you could explain. but you can't. blame them for a collective misery. blame them for perpetual fear.
who are you really blaming anyway? do you even know? of course not. but its easier to point a finger.
just put on your red white and blue. sit back and relax.
boom! boom! bang! and blame...
3 July 2002 - drive
- just another day of work. sometimes i wonder how i am going to have 40 more years of this. this is the first full time job i've ever had, and its quite a reality check. welcome to the rest of your life. where sick days are rarely an option and you can't just skip work like you can skip class. there is no "i don't feel like it." bosses aren't replaceable like bad professors. you really are responsible for responsibilities and you definitely WORK at your work. and sometimes i wonder -- am i going to have the drive in my life?
2 July 2002 - pretty persuasion
- interesting what one can be persuaded to do when there are lots of good friends around...craaaaaazy nikki ali and beth......
1 July 2002 - daysleeper
- so the new one this month is REM. fan? yes or no? no particular reason i chose them except that i like them and that i have enough songs by them to last me four months, let alone one. so fun times for REM. also i was apparently REAAAALLY feelin the bright colors when i designed this months. but hey, its a change, and thats always good.
- daysleeper i certainly was today. fell asleep on the dang couch at 9 at night. pathetic. tiredness will always win i suppose.
