This is a page full of "true" biographies of our friends written
by Fiona and Ramona during Geography classes.
Ramona
Fiona
Winnie
Lee
Bianka
Alexandra
Brad
Evan
Sash
We're taking a well earned break.
We'll get more done soon.
Ramona
Ramona has been living in a cave for most of her life, feeding off raw human meat and semi-decomposed sloth meat. It was only in February 1996 when she came out of her cave. She suffered anxiety attacks from bright wide open spaces otherwise known as agoraphobia.
In 1998 she met Fiona (who is really cool) who helped her overcome this fear by forcing her to watch "Road Runner" cartoons. Fiona would repeatedly say, "Concentrate on the background."
In 1999 she found her natural parents who then gave her to a wannabe pimp, who goes by the name of "Brad". "Brad" tried to sell her for two cows, a goat and a bean. Ramona ran away and this devastated "Brad" because "Brad" needed two cows, a goat and a bean to kick off his pimping business.
After watching so much "Road Runner", Ramona now lives in the desert. From there she makes the 5 hour-long-journey to school everyday.
Fiona
Fiona was cryogenically frozen in the '60s and was defrosted in 1985.
By the age of the two Fiona had an unhealthy fascination with flowers and the outdoor fishpond. Fiona also had a healthy diet that included everything on and off the ground, such as flowers, sticks and fishpond water.
At the age of five Fiona, not agreeing with her parents’ belief, she created her own cult. The first person Fiona tried to convert was her brother Adrian, but he was asleep. Fearing that she will get slapped with a large inflatable lollipop, she quietly left. So she travelled the world trying to convert other people. While travelling she learnt many sacred dances like the Hop-Di-Do dance and the I wish I were a fairy dance.
Alas it was all in vain until at the age of 10 when she moved back to Australia to try to convert at least one person. She bought an ice cream powered car to get around and started a chain of retail stores called Schmootation specialising in soil. Unfortunately she had to close her stores because of the tough competition. The nearby parks were giving it away for free! Why, that’s preposterous!
Things started to change at the age of 13 when she went to KHS. She met would-be convertees and began by dragging them down to do sacred rain dances while wearing daisy chains and other assorted flowers on the back oval. One year later she managed to convert Lee, now called Petal, and Bianka, also known as Petal.
Now it is two years later and Fiona has converted at least three people. She lives in her ice cream powered car and has a diet of ice cream, flowers and sticks (the outdoor fishpond was removed). She also suffers from constant ice cream headaches.
Winnie
Winnie was born underwater during a major flood in London. She was abandoned. So she lived in the London sewers for most of her life. She became friends with the rats (and she also ate a few). In 1995, for the first time, she came out of her sewer home and roamed the streets of London. While walking past a travel agent shop she saw pretty pictures of Russia. Three hours later, she was arrested for indecent exposure.
While she was in gaol, the inmates there told her more about Russia. She was fascinated. Six months later Winnie was released from gaol. She only had one thing on her mind - Russia. She decided to swim there. So she said goodbye to all her rat friends (she also took some for food). Winnie began to swim to Russia but strong winds and loch ness monsters pushed her out of track and she ended up washed up on a nudist beach in Sydney.
Winnie blended in with the crowd nicely. So there were not that many strange looks sent her way. Thinking she was still in Russia she decided to not only look like a Russian (well everyone else around her was “dressed” like her) she also decided to sound like a Russian. She began screaming, “Communism! Yes! Vodka! Yes!” and she said it several more times. (By now plenty of strange looks were sent her way). She looked around until she saw a pretty young man sitting on a towel. He looked like that lad she saw on the poster at the CD shop in London. She decided that she should marry him. Unfortunately this young lad wasn’t the “poster boy” that Winnie had thought he was. He was just a normal young lad. She began running after him on four legs like a rat. He quickly got up; put a towel around him (which was a pretty orange colour) and he ran into the bushes. Winnie kept chasing him through the bushes all the way to his house, deep in Kingscross. But at the first sight of Kingscross, she turned around and headed for the forest nearby. She stole some clothes from those strange people at the nudist beaches and went back to Kingscross to camp in front of his house.
By now the young lad was scared. Winnie began stalking him. And from five years of stalking she began to know more about this young lad. It turns out that this young lad wasn’t a pimp (as you all probably thought he was), he is your typical everyday, dole bludger and he lives with his sister who is a lap dancer who earns enough money for the both of them.
Winnie is still stalking this poor young man, but she is not alone because Lee has joined her too. They both attend a regular seminar called “Overcome Your Stalking Obsessions Anonymous”.
Lee
Lee was born in the outback on the back of a Ute. But due to a mutation in her genes, her blonde Caucasian parents gave birth to an Asian child. Her parents did not understand the medical terms behind it, so they disowned her. Lee was left in a fruit basket in the middle of the Simpson Desert until a pack of dingoes found her and raised her. At the age of six, food was scarce so Lee ate one of the dogs. Seeing the anger in the dogs, she ran away, towards the East Coast of Australia.
She reached Brisbane and was really disappointed because Brisbane was an utter hole. So she hitchhiked (hijacked) her way to a place called Sydney. When she arrived in Sydney she only had a small amount of money from the tour bus she hitchhiked (hijacked) with. Lee found a pack of feral dogs. She lived with them in a cardboard box in an alleyway in George Street. At the age of nine, Lee was beginning to act more like a human. With the money she earned from her part-time escort service she managed to invest in a baked bean powered car, just in case she needed to get away from something again. Well, it just so happens that the food ran scarce again and Lee had nothing to do but to eat another dog (obviously Lee didn’t think of eating the baked beans from her baked bean powered car). Again, the dogs began to chase her around but she escaped with her baked bean powered car.
She reached KHS (which I think you all should know by now that it stands for Kidney Humanoid Sanctuary) where she met Fiona who converted her to the Holy Flower Cult. Lee is now regularly spotted stalking this poor young lad with Winnie and driving in her baked bean powered car on her way to her therapist’s office where she is trying to mend the emotional damage done to her by the dogs. She now suffers from Agrizoophobia (a fear of wild animals) and attends a regular seminar called “Overcome Your Stalking Obsessions Anonymous” with Winnie.
Bianka
Bianka was born to hippie parents, who christened her Sunshine Daydream Zubac. Her twin brother, Rainbow, was born two years later. In protest of her brother's birth, she tried to post him to Siberia, but even though he never made it to Siberia, he disappeared mysteriously, never to be seen again.
At the age of five she went on a hunger strike in protest for two reasons:
1. She wanted to change her name.
2. She didn't want to eat lentil soup anymore.
After successfully changing her name, Bianka moved into the attic of her parent's house to avoid the dirty looks sent her way over lentils on toast.
At the age of eight, Bianka completed her degree in Medicine and spent a few years trying to backpack through the campus of Sydney Uni, feeding only on canteen food and spent those years in an almost constant state of food poisoning. When canteen food supplies ran low, she moved to K.H.S (Kidney Humanoid Sanctuary) where she bonded with children her own age. There she met Fiona who introduced her to the power of flowers. She now spends her days dancing on the back oval trying to make it rain while covered in soil and flower petals.
Alex
When Alexandra was born her sister, Lia, tried to sell her to the gypsies. Unfortunately, her other sister, Yiota, sold her through the “Trading Post” to Bongbong, a small village in the middle of Africa. This devastated her parents because they wanted to sell her as a Science experiment. By the age of nine, Alexandra had learnt the principles behind the Bongbong tribe. Alexandra was very important to them. They needed her to marry this bloke from the Urkie tribe to unite the two to form the Urkiebong tribe. But just before she was about to get married, a group of gypsies came past. Alexandra was attracted to their bright and colourful tarot cards. Alexandra left the Bongbong tribe and the young bloke, to become a gypsy, (she managed to make a small house of tarot cards by the first day). This angered the Bongbong tribe. So they set out in search for the gypsies and to kill them. Alexandra and the gypsies fled to the jungle where all the gypsies died from starvation. This left Alexandra wandering around the jungle until she came upon a little boy, referred to as Anthony, who was bribed to bring her back to the Bongbong tribe. She tried to eat him but he convinced her that he didn’t taste good. He was also able to convince Alexandra to join the Bongbong tribe again by telling her that she will get lots of lollies.
Alexandra married this young bloke and now they are part of the Urkiebong tribe. Anthony got lots of lollies as a reward.
Brad
Brad (or Bradlae, as he was known as then) has been striving to be a pimp since the tender age of seven after misinterpretting "Star Wars" and "light sabers".
In early 1996, after Brad gave birth to two deformed hermaphrodite children, which he then used as slave labour, he moved into an "office building" in Kingscross. In mid-1996 he began hiring employees for his business. Unfortunatly his employees were "butt-ugly" and they couldn't gain clients for themselves. By 1997 he was drastically in debt forcing him and his employees to flee to Canterbury Road. He changed his name from Bradlae to Brad and went to see a budget plastic surgeon, which turned out to be a "dud". This explains his present appearance. He finds himself very attractive though. By mid-1997 his employees had quit and his children ran away, joining a freak show circus. Brad turned into a hermit. In 1999 he was given a girl, Ramona from her natural parents, Brad tried to sell her for two cows, a goat and a bean, but she ran away, leaving Brad to become a hermit again.
Years went by and Brad became very bored so he learnt how to play the banjo. He released an album called Brad and his Banjo Buddy. From the CD he earnt more money than his pimping business. But he still wanted to live his dream and become a successful pimp.
With the money earnt from the CD, Brad now attends a regular seminar called "Wannabe Pimps Anonymous", he also visits his two hemaphrodite children at the Rainbow Freak Show Circus".
Evan
Eva was born as a female but at the age of one he/she started to grow a beard. His/Her parents changed his/her name to Evan. Physically he/she is still a female, but mentally he's/she's a male.
At the age of eight, Evan's poor innocent mind was exposed to porn magazine pictures. His/Her mind became sick and dirty, which explains his/her present behaviour. By the age of nine, Evan was a disgrace to her/his family so they disowned him/her. He/She was left wandering around the streets by him/herself. One day, he/she walked into a stripshow where all the strippers were also mega porn stars. From that day on, Evan's dream was to become a MEGA PORN STAR. He/She began his/her career by busking in Central Station. He/She was arrested. Several days later City Rail shut down after losing so much business. But Evan managed to do one whole day of busking and on that day Brad, the wannabe pimp, saw Evan's "act" and he bailed him/her out. Brad believed Evan would save him from his debts. Unfortunately (or fortuanately, whichever way you want to think), Brad's pimping business was a failure so Evan also ended up in debt.
Two years later, Evan was still in debt. While busking in front of Macdonald's one day (God help those poor children), a young man named "Rainbow" (he had hippie parents) offered him/her a job as the bearded lady at his freak show circus. Now you can find Evan at the very popular "Rainbow Freak Show Circus" where Evan co-stars with Brad's two hemaphrodite children.
Sasha
Sasha was christened Rainbow Zubac. He was born to hippie parents and he was born two years late. As soon as he was born his twin sister (who was born two years before him), mailed him to Siberia. Unfortunately he never reached Siberia. He ended up on a doorstep of a North Sydney mansion. The family who lived there adopted him and used him as slave labour and made him wear rainbow-coloured overalls and leg warmers. By the age of two he ran away and changed his name to Sasha. He settled in the bushes on the outskirts of Sydney.
In 1990, while hunting for food, a mob of mad (and very sick and apparently sexy) walruses raped Sasha. This left him traumatised. Three years later he gave birth to five freaky walrus-human children. He attempted to abandon them but he soon realised that he could use them as servants. He isolated them from the outside world and made them hunt, cook and clean for him. He also ordered them to make a house out of peanuts. His walrus/human children were very loyal to him, except for one. Sasha didn't like its attitude, so he suffocated it using peanut shells. He used its meat for food and sold its skin to a British safari hunter dude who paid Sasha a large amount of money. It was then that Sasha had the idea to create a travelling freak show. He used the money to buy trailers, cages and whips. He and his four remaining walrus/human children began a new life in their newly bought trailers.
In 1993 he began his search for freaks. He (like everyone else in these biographies) ran into debt so he sold one of his walrus/human children to a wannabe pimp, Bradlae, who killed it and turned it into a banjo. Sasha made his remaining three walrus/human children dress up as clowns and get a part-time job at children's birthday parties. They earned enough money for Sasha to begin employing freaks. Now Sasha is a great entrepreneur. He used his original name, Rainbow, in the title of his freak show circus to create more "business". The Rainbow Freak Show Circus now travels around "entertaining" people. The show stars many freaks such as Eva the Bearded Lady, Slavekid1 and Slavekid2 the Two Deformed Hermaphrodite Children and The Three Half-Human-Half-Walrus Children.
