When William Bennett told his friends that he would float in the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade they thought that a balloon facsimile would sail above the streets. Even those close to The King of All Virtue would be surprised to see his rotund body rise above the streets of Manhattan. "I knew he had recently gone to a larger size tent," said mutual admirer William Kristol. "But I has no idea that even a Barnum Three-Ringer would leave so much doughy flesh exposed."
Bennett admitted that he usually purchased his wardrobe from one-ring circus acts such as the Big Apple Circus but then graduated to the revival tents employed by Southern ministers. Only recently had his girth demanded the sartorial offerings provided by a three-ring circus tent. With his shiny white thighs exposed to the crowd, he launched himself above the streets of New York, where he dwarfed the likes of Kermit and Barney.
Exactly how William Bennett was able to fly under his own power might just be a secret he takes to his grave. (See The Enduring Mysteries of William Bennett in the next issue of "Untimely Death") Prior to launching himself he used a snow shovel to fill the corners of his mouth with smokeless tobacco. He affectionately sprayed the arm-waving clusters of Virtue Keepers occasionally splattering innocent bystanders.
Although he apparently floated under his own power, he was navigated by guide wires just like every other balloon. Suddenly something went wrong and Bennett descended into the crowd.
Most of the spectators were able to flee the falling object but two overweight, middle-aged women were crushed under Bennett's mass. Investigators were unable to determine a singular cause for the accident. Bennett had consumed his customary morning gin but was not legally drunk. No criminal charges were filed and a judge removed his name from a long list of civil defendants. Bennett was still a leader in the opinion polls for the upcoming presidential election until his comments did him in.
When it was revealed that the two victims were lesbians aged 46 and 47, Bennett went on the offensive. "They were overdue. The average lifespan of a lesbian is only thirty-seven years." It turned out to be a fib too far. Bennett had previously chanted a similar lie about gay men but he had underestimated America's deep affection for lesbians. Marlo Thomas came out of retirement to conduct public love marathons with the likes of Maria Shriver and Jane Paulie and Hillary Clinton. Spontaneous love fests broke out across the country and luminaries like Lucy Lawless and Lee Ann Rimes ventured out of the closet for a week or two and soon William Bennett had given up his presidential aspirations to return to the more lucrative Virtue circuit.
Bennett's popularity would rise again and eventually replace lesbianism as the nation's passion. But the window had closed on his presidential hopes and William Bennett would thereafter content himself with demigod status.
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