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IF YOU CARE, SIGN THE BOOK AND WELL IF YOU DONT CARE, SIGN THE BOOK. TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK. BAD OR GOOD. GIVE ME FEEDBACK. I DONT CARE HOW MUCH YOU SIGN. BUT DONT BE RUDE AND JUST READ AND NOT COMMENT. LATER.
2/12/04TOMORROW SHOULD BE A GOOD DAY BECAUSE ITS A 13TH BUT WHO KNOWS. UMM I DONT REALLY FEEL LIKE GETTING INTO WHAT ALL AS BEEN GOING ON ILL JUST SAY THAT ITS NOT ALL THAT GOOD, BUT HEY NOTHING EVER IS. UMM I MISS SOME POEPLE. THERES A ONE YEAR ANIVERSARY FOR A DEATH THAT I DONT WANT TO THINK ABOUT. MY STUPID ASS BIRTHDAY IS SOON BUT WHO CARES. I DONT UMM ANYWAY..ILL GO NOW. LATER.
2/5/04 FUCK IT ALL I SWEAR I CANT DO ANYTHING FUCKING RIGHT....I’VE GOT MY FUCKING MOM MAD AT ME FOR ‘NOT DOING’ SOMETHING THAT I FUCKING ACTUALLY DID...I’VE GOT MY BEST FRIEND PISSED AT ME WHEN ALL I EVER DO IS TRY MY FUCKING HARDEST TO DO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING FOR HER, BUT NO THAT STILL ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH I MIGHT AS WELL JUST FUCKING DIE BECAUSE IT WOULDN’T FUCKING MATTER TO ANYONE ANYWAY. IM FUCKING SORRY THAT IM NOT FUCKING PERFECT. ITS LIKE EVERYTHING I DO PISSES SOMEONE OFF. I CANT FUCKING TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE. I’VE TRIED, I’VE CRIED SO I THINK I SHOULD JUST DIE SINCE IT FITS THE FUCKING RHYME SCHEME. GODDAMN IT I HONESTLY DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE. FUCK ALL OF THIS BULLSHIT. I KNOW I CANT PLEASE EVERYONE BUT I DON’T THINK THAT EVERYONE NEEDS TO BE SO GODDAMN MAD AT ME ALL THE FUCKING TIME. JESUS...NO ONE KNOWS WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE ME , I TRY SO HARD NOT TO GIVE PEOPLE THAT I ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT REASONS TO HATE ME BUT ITS LIKE THEY ALL DO. IM SORRY I WAS FUCKING BORN, OK I DIDN’T FUCKING ASK TO BE SO DON’T TAKE IT OUT ON ME. I’M SORRY OK I’M FUCKING SORRY. IM SO SCARED TO TALK TO ANYONE BECAUSE ALL IT WILL DO IS PISS THEM OFF. I DON’T KNOW WHO TO TRUST OR WHO TO BLAME SO ILL JUST BLAME MYSELF BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT EVERYONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE DOING, SO ILL DO IT TO. FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME. FUCK IT. I’M OUT:
1/30/04I AT SOME POINT I WILL UPDATE THIS BUT AS OF RIGHT NOW ILL JUST SAY ITS UNDER CONSTRUCTION....WILL BE COMPLETED SOON...UNTIL THEN JUST SIT FUCKING TIGHT....LATER
1/22/04 SHIT A LOT HAS HAPPENEDAND ITS TOO MUCH SHIT TO FUCKING TRY AND TYPE ALL OUT, BUT I GUESS AT SOME POINT IF I GET BORED THEN ILL FILL WHOEVER THE FUCK READS THIS BESIDES ME IN ON EVERYTHING THATS GONE ON. I WENT TO NEW YORK FINALLY...I WAS SURPRISED THAT I DIDNT FUCKING WRITE A NOVEL IN HERE ABOUT IT. BUT I HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, WELL MAYBE NOT BECAUSE I REALLY HAVENT WRITTEN ANYTHING IN LIKE FUCKING FOREVER SO I DONT KNOW...I CAN PRETTY MUCH TELL YOU THAT A LOT OF POEMS OR WHATEVER THE HELL I WRITE IN HERE IS CALLED BECAUSE ITS NOT NECESSARILY POETRY BUT WHATEVER THERE WILL BE A LOT OF THAT COMING UP SOON WHEN MY MIND CAN STOP WHATEVER THE FUCK IT HAPPENS TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW....SO YEA...UMM...WHATEVER...LATER
1/8/04-A RAZOR IN TIME-"I TRACED YOUR HEART WITH A RAZOR AND YOU DIDNT BLEED, WHAT DOES THAT MAKE YOU? ARE YOU UNABLE TO BE SLICED OPEN SO THE TRUTH CAN BE RIPPED OUT? WHY IS YOUR MIND SO DIFFICULT? YOU SEEM TO COMPLEX FOR ME, TO MUCH FOR ME TO TAKE IN. CAN'T CONTROL TIME, BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING TO CONTAIN IT IN. I TRACED MY HEART WITH A RAZOR AND I DIED. WHY DIDNT YOU SAVE ME? TO BUSY WITH SOMEONE ELSE, IM NO ONE TO YOU AS I AM TO EVERYONE. IM NEVER TO BE REMEMBERED, FORGET ALL OF ME AND EVERYTHING ABOUT ME. THE RAZOR'S ON THE FLOOR WITH OUR BLOOD ON IT, BUT IM DEAD AND YOU'RE NO WHERE TO BE FOUND. MY BEST FRIEND IS THE RAZOR LYING NEXT TO ME. THIS PUDDLE OF BLOOD SMELLS LIKE ROTTING ROSES. FUCK YOU. THIS WAS MY LIFE, FUCK YOU. I AM WITHOUT MY HEART AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT. BUT...WAIT...YOU DONT CARE!.....I...LOVED........I DIED RIGHT THERE ON THE FLOOR IN MY OWN BLOOD WITH THE RAZOR AS MY COMPANION..."
11/26/03WHEN BORED...TAKE QUIZZES...HERE ARE MY RESULTS! 
your fuck.
What swear word are you?
brought to you by QuizillaAND HERES ANOTHER
Your: Mysterious eyes. All in the title. Your
independant secretive and myseterious. You
appear cold and distant, but hey, at leats no
one messes with you.
What type of eyes do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla AND ANOTHER
Fight Club!
What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla AND FINALLY THE LAST ONE.
You're a natural born trouble-maker. You hate
authority and do everything you can to get
around the law, or in some cases, break it.
Naturally stubborn, you hardly ever sway once a
decision is made. Your nature is fiery and
courageous, and always out-going. You love
attention and usually have kinky fetishes
you're not afraid to explore. People either
love you or hate you.
What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla
BY THE WAY...HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE...LATER
11/20/03-THE FOLLOWING IS A COLLECTION OF ALANIS MORISSETTE LYRICS THAT ALL FIT TOGETHER TO DESCRIBE A LITTLE BIT OF ME. IVE TAKEN LYRICS FROM "JAGGED LITTLE PILL", "SUPPOSED FORMER INFATUATION JUNKIE", "UNDER RUG SWEPT", AND "FEAST ON SCRAPS"-'A WAY TO CALM THE ANGRY VOICE' IS 'TO KNOCK ME TO THE FLOOR IF I WASNT THERE ALREADY' 'WHAT I WOULDNT GIVE TO FIND A SOULMATE SOMEONE ELSE TO CATCH THIS DRIFT' 'ALL I REALLY WANT IS SOME COMFORT' 'SOMETIMES IS NEVER QUITE ENOUGH' 'WHAT IT ALL COMES DOWN TO IS' 'WE MAKE UP FOR SOM MUCH TIME A LITTLE TOO LATE' 'WHAT I LEARNED I REJECTED' 'I WILL SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCE' 'YOU LIVE YOU LEARN' 'I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO HEAR YOU' 'I AM AWARE NOW' 'ITS A LONG WAY DOWN IN THE WRONG DIRECTION' 'WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT?' 'IT'S EASIER NOT TO' 'I AM TOTALLY SHORT OF BREATH' 'WOULD I BE GOOD EVEN IF I DID NOTHING?' 'I CANT AFFORD TO BE MISREAD ONE MORE TIME' 'LETS DISCUSS THINGS IN CONFIDENCE' 'WE ARE OUR DENIALS' 'I BECAME SELF-CONSCIOUS' 'IT WAS YOUR APPROVAL I WANTED' 'ALL THESE LITTLE REJECTIONS HOW THEY ADD UP QUICKLY' 'YOU'LL RESCUE ME RIGHT? IN THE EXACT SAME WAY THEY NEVER DID' 'I HAVE BEEN BLAMED' 'THIS IS MY IDEAL END IN SIGHT' 'MY MISERY HAS ENJOYED COMPANY' 'FEAR OF BLISS' 'NO ONES BEEN CRUELER THAN I'VE BEEN TO ME' 'I WAS SADLY MISTAKEN'.
SONGS:"JAGGED LITTLE PILL". 'ALL I REALLY WANT' 'PERFECT' 'HAND IN MY POCKET' 'FORGIVEN' 'YOU LEARN' 'HEAD OVER FEET' 'MARY JANE' 'WAKE UP'. "SUPPOSED FORMER INFATUATION JUNKIE". 'THAT I WOULD BE GOOD' 'FRONT ROW' 'CANT NOT' 'SO PURE' 'JOINING YOU' 'YOUR CONGRATULATIONS'. "UNDER RUG SWEPT". 'SO UNSEXY' 'PRECIOUS ILLUSIONS' 'A MAN' 'UTOPIA'. "FEAST ON SCRAPS". 'FEAR OF BLISS' 'SORRY TO MYSELF' 'SIMPLE TOGETHER'.
A LOT OF SHIT HAS BEEN COMING AND GOING THROUGH MY MIND FOR DAYS NOW. A LOT OF OLD AND PAST ISSUES HAVE BEEN COMING BACK TO ME. THE SAME OLD SHIT BUT YES DIFFERENT DAY. HELL DIFFERENT YEAR. IVE BEEN SO CONFUSED FOR A WHILE. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I DONT KNOW WHO TO TURN TO. I DONT THINK ANYONE WANTS TO HELP. IM SCARED. I HAVE NO ONE TO TRUST. NO ONE TO TALK TO.. I AM ALONE...AND WITH MY ALONE TIME COMES WHAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN. BUT IM NOT GETTING INTO THAT...BUT I FINALLY REALIZED THAT MY "DEFINING MOMENT" IS COMING UP. IN TWO WEEKS. SO WILL IT CHANGE MY "LIFE" OR NOT? MAN WHO THE FUCK KNOWS. ILL LET YOU KNOW. BUT MY PREDICTION OF THE SITUATION IS THIS...I'LL BE AT THE EDGE OF MY EXISTENCE...WAITING...JUST WAITING. SO THERE YOU GO. LATER.
11/16/03
-FUCK- "TODAY I REALIZED THAT NOTHING REALLY MATTERS AT ALL. NOT FRIENDS NOT FAMILY NOT LOVE. NOTHING. IM SO TIRED OF EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. I MEAN I CANT TRUST ANYONE, AND I FEEL SO FUCKING ALONE. GOD I HATE THIS SHIT. ITS A BIG FUCKING JOKE THAT IM ON THE ASS END OF AND IM TIRED OF ALL OF IT. FUCK ME MAN. THIS WHOLE THING IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT AND NO ONE EVEN CARES ABOUT ME OR ANYTHING. IM SO FUCKING TIRED...WAIT IVE SAID THAT WELL SO WHAT ITS NOT LIKE PEOPLE EVEN READ ANY OF THIS ANYWAY. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY I WASTE MY TIME. WELL YEA I DO KNOW, AND THAT REASON WOULD BE THAT THIS IS MY ONLY PLACE TO LASH OUT AND BE WHOEVER THE FUCK I AM. BECAUSE IF I TRIED TO VENT TO A "FRIEND" THEY WOULDNT LISTEN SO FUCK EVERYTHING. FUCK YOU, FUCK ME, FUCK LIFE. IM OUT."
10/27/03-A DROP OF LIFE- "A DROP OF LIFE FALLS EVERYTIME THE BLADE TOUCHES MY SKIN. A SMALL, WARM UNAPOLOGETIC SMILE CROSSES MY FACE. I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SAY QUIETLY 'IT'LL ALL BE OVER SOON' OR WILL IT. THE BLADE PROVIDES A COMFORT TO ME THAT I HAVE NEVER KNOWN. I FEEL LIKE IT IS THE ONLY PLACE I CAN RELEASE ALL MY ANGER AND HOSTILITY. THE MANY DROPS OF LIFE THAT I HAVE LET LOOSE ARE DEAD AS THE REST OF MY SOUL IS. ITS JUST A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE THE LIFE HAS COMPLETELY DROPPED FROM THE FACE OF EXISTENCE. HERE WE GO AGAIN. THE RACE OF CIRCLES MY HEAD GOES THROUGH EVERYDAY THINKING ABOUT YOU. BUT IM LOST NOW. THE CIRCLE IS NO LONGER A CIRCLE IT HAS BECOME A FORK. LEFT, RIGHT, OR STRAIGHT. ILL PICK LEFT. LEFT IS THE PATH WITHOUT YOU. IM LOST WITHOUT YOU. BUT HAVE I FOUND ANOTHER? I DONT KNOW. I DONT THINK SO. FUCK I PULLED OUT THE BLADE TODAY. MADE THE MARK OF NONEXISTENCE ANOTHER DROP OF LIFE GONE. BUT SO MANY MORE TO COME. IF THIS WORLD COULD COMFORT ME AND MAKE ME FEEL LOVED THEN I MIGHT BE A LITTLE HAPPIER. BUT IT CANT PROVIDE ME WITH ANYTHING, I CANT PROVIDE ME WITH ANYTHING. IM SO TIRED, SO TIRED OF THIS LIFE. GODDAMN IT BE OVER. BE FUCKING OVER. DROPS OF LIFE. DROPS OF LIFE."
10/23/03"SO WE PARK THESE CARS IN OUR PARENTS' GARAGE TO LISTEN TO THE LULLABY OF CARBON MONOXIDE"-THURSDAY- 'WAR ALL OF THE TIME'<> LATER.
10/7/03"WHY DONT YOU THINK ABOUT WHERE YOUR PUTTING ME WHEN YOU PUT ME DOWN""IT AMAZES ME HOW BEAUTIFUL SOME PEOPLE CAN BE ON THE OUTSIDE AND THEN HOW UGLY THEIR PERSONALITY IS ON THE INSIDE."
-UNTITLED-"WILL IT BE, WILL IT BE, WHAT I WANT IT TO BE. CAN YOU SEE, CAN YOU SEE, WHAT YOU DO TO ME. WILL I DIE, WILL I DIE, OR CONTINUE TO CRY. IS IT ME, IS IT ME, WHO IS SO TEMPTED TO BELIEVE. IN YOUR EYES, IN YOUR LIFE, I CAN NO LONGER SEE THE LIGHT. I WISH I COULD BE STRONG BUT I THINK ITS ALL WRONG. I WISH I COULD BE FREED FROM THIS MISERY I FEEL. BUT I KNOW, YES I KNOW THAT ITS MY DESTINY. WILL IT BE, WILL IT BE, WHAT I WISHED FOR LIFE TO BE. CAN I SEE, CAN I SEE, WHO YOU REALLY ARE WITHOUT ME. CAN I WAIT, CAN I WAIT UNTIL I HAVE TRUST IN FATE. OR WILL I DIE, WILL I DIE, IN A WEEK WITHOUT A TRACE. I WISH I, I WISH I, COULD BE SOMEONE ELSE FOR A WHILE. SO THAT I, SO THAT I CAN FINALLY FIND PEACE IN WHAT I CALL LIFE. AM I DENSE, AM I DENSE, OR AM I JUST ANOTHER PERSON WITHOUT SENSE. I AM CREUL, I AM RUDE, BUT I KNOW IM NOT A PRUDE. I WISH I, I WISH I, HAD A FRIEND IN THIS LIFE. SO THAT I COULD NOT TRY TO KEEP CONFIDING IN PEOPLE WHO DICK ME OVER. IS THIS LIFE, IS THIS LIFE JUST A WASTE OF MY TIME OR AM I JUST A FOOL WHO WANTS WHAT I CANT HAVE. PLEASE TELL ME WHO I AM SO THAT I CAN UNDERSTAND. I AM DEAD, I AM DEAD TO THE WORLD AND TO ME. BECAUSE I SAW, YES I SAW WHAT IM REALLY MEANT TO BE. I LOVED YOU, I LOVED YOU AND YES A FEW OTHERS TOO. BUT IT WAS ME, IT WAS ME WHO IN THE END WAS LET FREE. I WISH I, I WISH I, HAD TOLD THE PEOPLE I LOVED THE TRUTH BUT I WAS AFRAID, ILL ADMIT AFRAID THAT THE TRUTH WOULD MAKE ME MORE SAD. I KEPT IT IN WHAT I REALLY FELT AND NOW ITS TO LATE. FOR I AM GONE TO THIS WORLD AND TO MYSELF WITHOUT A TRACE. ILL TELL YOU NOW, ILL TELL THEM NOW. I LOVED SO MANY OF YOU. BUT YOU ALL TREATED ME LIKE I WAS NOTHING SO THATS HOW I FELT AND THATS HOW I LEFT. SO TELL ALL, TELL ALL THAT I AM GONE AND I AM FREE. I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST OF LUCK BUT PLEASE FORGET ALL ABOUT ME."
10/6/03-THINK ABOUT IT-"FUCK, MAYBE YOUR RIGHT. MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE MORE RESPECT FOR MYSELF. BUT I DONT SEE WHAT I SHOULD RESPECT. I DONT LIKE WHO I AM, NOT THAT I REALLY KNOW WHO I AM BUT I MEAN IN ALL I DONT SEE MYSELF AS SOMEONE ANYONE SHOULD RESPECT OR CARE FOR OR 'LOVE' IF I DARE TO SAY IT. I MEAN WHY AM I EVEN HERE TO BEGIN WITH. I DIDNT ASK TO BE. I UNDERSTAND WHAT I DID MAY BE A LITTLE BIT FUCKED UP AND I KNOW I DONT ENJOY IT HALF AS MUCH AS I SHOULD BUT, YOU KNOW MAYBE I JUST HAVENT FOUND THE RIGHT PERSON WHO MOVES ME. I GUESS I NEED TO MEET SOMEONE WHO CAN UNDERSTAND ME COMPLETELY, OR JUST TALK TO ME MORE ABOUT WHY I AM THE WAY I AM. I MEAN NOT THAT I REALLY KNOW WHY I AM THE WAY I AM BUT YOU PEOPLE GET THE DAMN POINT. BASICALLY I NEED TO TRY (AND YES I CANT BELIEVE IM GOING TO SAY THIS BUT) TO HELP MYSELF BECOME A BETTER PERSON. IM NOT GOING TO LIE. I LIKE MYSELF THE WAY I AM NOW, IM A SHITTY PERSON AND AN INCOMPLETE ONE BUT IM USED TO BEING THAT WAY. IM COMFORTABLE THAT WAY. I DONT KNOW IM STUPID. AND I NEED SOME HELP BUT I DONT REALLY WANT IT."
9/24/03-WORST FUCKING DAY-"THIS IS THE END LET ME GO IN PEACE FOR I AM TIRED OF DEALING WITH THE PAIN AND THE SHIT THAT EVERYONE GIVES ME. ALL I WANT TO DO IS DIE AND ILL BE HAPPY AND EVERYONE WILL BE HAPPY BECAUSE THEY NO LONGER HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME. IM GOING TO SEE HOW MCUH I CAN BLEED AND HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE FOR ME TO EMPTY MY FUCKED UP LIFE AND SEE EXACTLY WHAT I REALLY MEAN TO PEOPLE. NO ONE FUCKING CARES AS IT IS SO WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I. THIS WHOLE LIFE IVE LIVED HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT BULLSHIT I CANT STAND WHO I AM AND I CANT STAND THE WAY I TREAT EVERYTHING. FUCKING I KNOW IM NOT PERFECT AND IM NOT TRYING TO BE BUT THIS DAY HAS SHOWN ME WHAT I TRULY AM AND THAT IS NOTHING. IM FUCKING NOTHING ILL DIE AS NOTHING AND MY PAIN WILL BE THOUGHT OF AS NOTHING. I WANNA GO. I WANNA LEAVE. NOTHING MATTERS TO ME. SOME PEOPLE DO, I WILL SAY THAT. THE ONES WHO'VE TREATED ME THE WAY I SHOULDVE BEEN TREATED. THEY MATTER. BUT I DONT MATTER. SO FUCK IT ALL. FUCK IT ALL. IM TIRED OF ME, IM TIRED OF LIVING, I WANNA DIE SO LET ME BE."
9/20/03-DAMN- "HOLY SHIT LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE, WHATS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU FUCKING MENTAL BITCH! TURN THAT AROUND. WHAT THE FUCK! ARE YOU CRAZY? SHIT. DAMN JUST LEAVE, JUST LEAVE. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SIGHT. FUCKING MORON. CANT BELIEVE YOU, CRAZY PSYCHO BITCH.....HAHAHA OOPS. GODDAMN THE MADNESS, GODDAMN THE MADNESS. INSANE YOU SAY...YEA, YOU COULD SAY THAT. BUT ITS A COMPLEMENT. SO THANKS." -DIED WITH HOPE- "WHATEVER TIME HAS PAST, ITS ALL FOR THE BEST. I CANT CHANGE WHO I AM. I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT ALL THE OTHER DAY AND I WASNT SURE WHAT ALL I SHOULD DO. ITS NOT LIKE I HAVE THAT MUCH TO THINK ABOUT BECAUSE ILL BE ALONE NO MATTER WHAT. I JUST WISH I HAD A CHOICE. IN A WAY I DO. I SEE THINGS IN A FADED VIEW. THE SHIT I NEED TO SEE CLEARLY IS BLURRED. THE TRUTH IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE BUT I DONT WANT TO LET IT BE KNOWN. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. IF I DO WHATS TRUE TO MYSELF ILL STILL BE ALONE SO WHY EVEN BOTHER. IM NOT MEANT TO BE HAPPY. THE -X- SHOWS IT ALL. 'GET OVER YOURSELF', WHATEVER. IT HELPS ME GET OVER IT. THE LEFT TOOK OVER. WHAT WAS I TO DO. I FELT THE PAIN AND SMILED. IT WAS A RELIEF. IT WAS CLOSURE TO SOMETHING. AND I FEEL BETTER. WHATEVER I AM IS WHAT ILL CONTINUE TO BE. I GUESS I NEED TO STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. HMM... MAYBE"
8/27/03-UNDEFINED- "IT CAME IN AN UNMARKED BOX. NO NAME, NOR DATE. IT WAS WHAT I THOUGHT THOUGH. I KNEW AT SOME POINT IT WOULD COME. I SAID OUT LOUD IM OVER THIS SHIT, OVER YOU AND OVER IT ALL. BUT I KNEW THAT WAS TOO EASY. TRUTH WAS I WASNT OVER IT. HOW COULD I BE. IF YOU CARE THOUGH I AM TRYING. AND IT HURTS TO TRY BECAUSE THE TRUTH OF IT ALL IS IM SCARED TO LET IT ALL GO BECAUSE IN A WAY ITS ALL IVE EVER KNOWN. SO HOW CAN I JUST DROP IT ALL AND TRY TO CHANGE. BUT THEN SOMETHING HAPPENED. AND I STARTED TO CHANGE. BUT I WASNT REALLY CHANGING I WAS LETTING SOMETHING OUT THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN INSIDE OF ME. SO NOW I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. THE BOX IS STILL WITH ME UNMARKED AND ALL, AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ALL OF THE MADNESS THAT IT HAS CREATED."
7/10/03-SUICIDAL BEAUTY-"SUICIDAL BEAUTY QUEEN SHE WOULD ALWAYS TAKE THE BLAME AND LIE TO HERSELF SO THAT YOU'D STILL FEEL THE SAME. IF YOU WANTED HER TO BE THE BEST ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS ASK. YOU NEVER TRIED TO SEE PAST WHAT SHE LOOKED LIKE YOU JUST SAID SHE WASNT YOUR TYPE. SO SHE CRIED TO HERSELF AND LOOKED IN THE MIRROR, SHE SAID WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE AND BE BEAUTIFUL? WHY AM I THE UNFORTUNATE ONE WHY CAN'T YOU SEE ME? SUICIDAL BEAUTY QUEEN SHE WASNT LIKE THE REST. SHE JUST WANTED YOU FOR HERSELF BUT YOU WANTED THE BEST. YOU NEVER SAW HER FOR WHAT SHE WAS, YOU JUST LOOKED RIGHT PAST HER. AND STILL SHE TRIED TO STAND STRONG, BUT ONE DAY IT ALL CAME DOWN AND SHE WENT ABOUT IT WRONG. SHE NOW LIES BY HERSELF IN HER SORROWS AND SHES BEAUTIFUL. SHES NOW MISSED. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT SHES THE SUICIDAL BEAUTY QUEEN. NOW YOU COME TO HER AND YOU SAY YOUR SORRY FOR ALL THE PAIN THAT YOU CAUSED HER AND YOU THINK TO YOURSELF WHAT IF I WAS THERE. WOULD SHE STILL BE HERE? SO YOU CRY TO YOURSELF AND LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SAY WHY DIDNT I EVER SEE HER AND WHY DIDNT I EVER STOP TO TALK TO HER SHE WAS NOTHING BUT NICE TO ME AND I WAS AN ASSHOLE BUT ITS TOO LATE NOW SHES GONE, YEA SHES GONE. SHES GONE, AND IM STILL HERE. SHE WAS MY SUICIDAL BEAUTY QUEEN AND I LET HER GO BECAUSE I DIDNT KNOW THAT ONE DAY I WOULD SEE EVERYTHING SHE WANTED ME TO BE SHES WAS A SUICIDAL BEAUTY QUEEN. SHE TOLD EVERYONE SHED DIE FOR ME BUT I DIDNT REALLY THINK SHE WOULD. NOW SHES GONE, YEA NOW SHES GONE. SHES GONE AND IM STILL HERE." THATS JUST THE SONG THAT I MADE UP THAT GOES ALONG WITH THE SCREEN NAME THAT I HAVE...SO IF YOU EVER WONDERED WHY MY SCREEN NAME IS WHAT IT IS..THATS WHY ITS FROM THIS SONG...LATER...
7/9/03-WITHIN IT ALL-"WITHIN IT ALL LIES WHAT I CAN'T SAY, WHAT I CANT DO, WHAT I CANT FEEL, AND WHAT I CANT BE. WITHIN IT ALL LIES A HIDDEN MESSAGE. YOU HAVE TO CARE TO FIND IT. YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO TRY AND LOOK FOR IT AND YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO GO OUT OF YOUR WAY AND OUT OF YOUR NORMS TO UNDERSTAND IT. YOU CANT THINK ABOUT ONLY YOURSELF, AND YOU'LL HAVE TO GET OVER WHAT EVERYONE ELSE SAYS AND THINKS. THE MESSAGE ISNT MUCH BUT TO SOMEONE IT COULD MEAN THE WORLD. SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOUR INNER SELF AND TRY TO VISIUALIZE A WORLD WERE YOU DONT EXIST TO SEE THE TRUE AND REAL WORLD. WHAT YOU THINK IT IS IS ONLY WHAT YOU BELIEVE, IF YOU BELIEVE ANYTHING AT ALL. WITHIN MY HEART LIES A HIDDEN WALL THAT ONLY CERTAIN PEOPLE HAVE FOUND. THE WALL BLOCKS WHAT I REALLY FEEL. IT BLOCKS MY EMOTIONS SO THAT I CANT BE TRUE TO MY FEELINGS. I COVER WHAT I REALLY AM WITH SARCASM BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS TO HARD FOR ME TO LET LOOSE. WITHIN IT ALL LIES WHAT I FEAR MOST OF ALL. WITHIN MY SOUL LIES A SECRET THAT NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW ABOUT. WITHIN MY FACE LIES SOME SORT OF BEAUTY THAT EVEN I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO SEE. NO ONE HAS SEEN IT, SO DOES IT REALLY LIE THERE? WITHIN WHAT I CALL LIFE MANY THINGS ARE HIDDEN AND WILL STAY THAT WAY. IM NOT LETTING WHAT I FEEL OUT BECAUSE IN MY OWN WAY IM UNABLE TO DO THAT AND ALSO I DONT WANT ANYONE TO KNOW ME. BUT I DONT EVEN KNOW ME."
7/1/03 -BLUE ON BLACK- "NIGHT FALLS AND IM ALONE. SKIN YEAH CHILLS ME TO THE BONE. YOU TURNED AND YOU RAN. OH YEAH. OH SLIPPED RIGHT FROM MY HAND. HEY BLUE ON BLACK, TEARS ON A RIVER, A PUSH ON A SHOVE IT DONT MEAN MUCH, JOKER ON JACK, MATCH ON A FIRE, COLD ON ICE A DEAD MANS TOUCH, WHISPER ON A SCREAM DOESNT CHANGE A THING, DOESNT BRING YOU BACK. BLUE ON BLACK. OH YEAH. BLUE ON BLACK. BLIND, OH NOW I SEE. TRUTH, LIES AN IN BETWEEN. WRONG, CANT BE UNDONE. OH SLIPPED FROM THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE. HEY BLUE ON BLACK, TEARS ON A RIVER, A PUSH ON A SHOVE IT DONT MEAN MUCH, JOKER ON JACK, MATCH ON A FIRE, COLD ON ICE A DEAD MANS TOUCH, WHISPER ON A SCREAM DOESNT CHANGE A THING, DOESNT BRING YOU BACK. BLUE ON BLACK." -KENNY WAYNE SHEPPARD BAND...IVE BEEN WRITING SHIT DOWN AT WORK WHEN IM ON MY BREAKS. JUST LITTLE NOTES HERE AND THERE ABOUT WHAT I HAPPEN TO BE THINKING ABOUT AT THAT PARTICULAR TIME. HERES SOME OF THEM...
"THE INSANITY OF WATCHING THE TIME PAST BY. I WONDER WHERE IT ALL GOES. IS THAT INSANE? TO WATCH TIME? ITS KINDA LIKE WATCHING YOUR LIFE AND LOOKING AT IT FROM A DISTANCE. IS IT REAL? COULD YOU TOUCH IT? THE TIME THAT PASSES MAKES ME THINK. BUT I NEVER KNOW WHAT IM THINKING ABOUT"
"ITS AMAZING TO LOVE SOMEONE SO MUCH BUT NOT HAVE THEM REALIZE THE EXISTENCE OF YOURSELF. LET THEM FOR ONCE REALIZE THAT YOUR IN LOVE, AND THAT YOU CARE. WOULD THEY LOVE YOU BACK OR CONTINUE TO SEE YOU AS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING?"
"I AM WHAT I AM NOT BY CHOICE BUT BY IMPRESSION. SO WHAT IMPRESSION DO YOU MAKE OF ME? IF YOU THINK YOU CAN CHANGE ME YOUR WRONG BUT WHO KNOWS RIGHT? DAMN, THE WHOLE WORLDS INSANE."
"IM LETTING GO OF THE PAST THAT IVE HELD SO TIGHTLY ONTO AND IM LETTING GO OF THE BULLSHIT LIES THAT YOU LED ME TO BELIEVE WERE TRUE. IM LETTING GO OF EVERYTHING SO THAT MY SOUL CAN FINALLY BE FREE, SO THAT MAYBE ONE DAY ILL FINALLY BE ABLE TO BREATHE. GODDAMN YOUR PAIN AND GODDAMN YOUR MOODS. YOUR NOTHING BUT AN ASSHOLE SO FUCK YOU. IF I DO WHAT I THINK AND DO WHAT EVERYONE TELLS ME THEN IT WILL PROBABLY ALL BE OVER AND ILL END ALL THIS MADNESS. SO IM LETTING IT GO BECAUSE IM TIRED OF TRYING SO FUCK IT ALL. FUCK IT."
"IM AMUSED BY HOW FUNNY YOU REALLY THINK YOU ARE. ITS FUNNY TO SEE THE IGNORANCE IN YOUR EYES. ILL LAUGH IN YOUR FACE BECAUSE I DONT GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE. FUCK WHATEVER YOU THINK YOU ARE BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT YOUR ABOUT. DONT TRY AND FUCK IT UP ANYMORE BECAUSE IM TIRED OF WHATEVER SHIT YOUR TRYING TO PULL THIS WEEK."
"LET YOUR ANGER FLOW THROUGH YOUR MIND. LET IT ALL GO. ITS AMAZING HOW YOULL FEEL WHEN YOUR DONE BITCHING. DONT TEST YOURSELF ON THE ACTIONS OF OTHERS. IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT THEIR REACTION IS. LIKE THE FAMOUS SAYING GOES .:.'FUCK THE BULLSHIT'.:. SERIOUSLY BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS BULLSHIT."
"THE MEMORY OF MY LOVE CIRCLES THROUGH THIS MEANINGLESS QUEST CALLED LIFE. IVE TRIED AND TRIED TO BECOME WHAT IM NOT BUT I CANT SHAKE MY PAST FEELINGS. IF I COULD LET IT ALL GO I WOULD BUT I CANT. ITS ALL THE SAME NOW. ITS ALL THE PAST. I CANT CHANGE WHO I AM BECAUSE I DONT KNOW WHO I AM. IF I LEFT THE FACE OF THE EARTH WOULD YOU CRY? I DOUBT YOU WOULD BECAUSE IVE ALREADY LEFT IT IN YOUR MIND. MY INSECURITIES ARE MY WEAKNESS AS WELL AND A TON OF OTHERS THAT IM NOT MENTIONING. I AM LOST NOW. I CANT LEAVE MY MEMORIES BEHIND. IM NOTHING BUT A LOST FACE IN THE CROWD."...THERES MORE BUT IM NOT FINISHED WITH THEM YET....
6/28/03 -SOMEDAY ILL LET YOU GO- "AS THE WORDS OF OTHER PEOPLE FLOW THROUGH MY MIND, ALL I FEEL IS HATE AND DECEIT IS THAT A CRIME. I FEEL WHAT I FEEL AND IT MAKES ME CRY, ALL I KNOW INSIDE IS THAT YOU LIE. I FEEL LIKE MY WORLD IS COMING DOWN AND SO I TRY KEEP IT UP AND NOT FROWN. BUT I CANT SEEM TO HELP IT, YOU'RE ALWAYS IN MY MIND. CONSTANLY GIVING ME A REASON TO HOLD THE TIME. I SPENT SO LONG LONGING FOR YOU THAT MY WORLDS COMING DOWN IN FUCKING TWO. SO WHAT AM I TO DO WITH YOU ALWAYS THERE, NOT REALLY SAYING OR GIVING A CARE. I THINK IM GETTING OVER THE SHIT THAT YOU DO AND I THINK I MAY BE READY TO GET OVER YOU. BUT YOUR ALL IVE EVER KNOWN AND ALL IVE EVER LOVED SO I CANT JUST GIVE YOU UP. YOU HURT ME SO MUCH AND YOU DONT EVEN CARE YOU JUST PRETEND THAT IM NOT THERE. YOU THINK I DONT KNOW ABOUT WHAT YOU DO BUT I KNOW IT ALL AND ITS ALL FUCKING TRUE. BUT YOU AHEAD AND KEEP PLAYING AROUND BECAUSE ONE OF THESE DAYS YOULL BE POUNDED IN THE GROUND. I HOPE THAT I WILL SOMEDAY BE ABLE TO SEE THE LIGHT BUT I KNOW I ILL STILL HAVE SOME TYPE OF REASON TO FIGHT. SO AS THE WORDS OF OTHER PEOPLE FLOW THROUGH MY MIND ILL JUST SIT UP THINKING THAT MAYBE ONE DAY... JUST ONE FUCKING DAY YOU'LL REALIZE WHAT YOU LEFT BEHIND, AND THAT WHAT I FELT WAS NOT A CRIME. BUT BY THEN ILL HOPEFULLY HAVE COME TO MY SENSES AND BE NO WHERE TO BE FOUND AND YOU'LL BE LEFT WITH NOTHING BUT A LIFETIME OF GUILT." OK SO I STOPPED RHYMING AT THE END BUT HEY IM NOT PERFECT...SOMETIMES I DO MESS UP..YEA WORK WAS BORING AS FUCK TONIGHT...WHY DID I GET A JOB?...OH YEA MONEY...ITS SO GODDAMN BORING THOUGH...BUT I DONT COMPLAIN WHEN I GET PAID, WHICH DAMN ISNT FOR A WHILE. YEA...UMM...K to the JO IS OUT FOR NOW...I LIKE HAVING THIS HOUSE TO MYSELF THING...ITS FUN...I CAN DO AS I PLEASE. DAMN I WANT TO MOVE OUT SO BAD BUT IM NOT GONNA HAVE THE MONEY UNTIL LIKE A COUPLE YEARS AND IF I BUY A CAR THEN IM NOT HAVING THE MONEY FOR A LONG ASS TIME SO..DAMN I NEED A ROOMMATE...BUT THATS NOT GONNA HAPPEN...LATER
6/25/03 DAMN ITS BEEN A REALLY LONG TIME SINCE IVE HAD TIME TO ACTUALLY SIT DOWN AND THINK...I WORK TO MUCH. I NOW HAVE NO LIFE BUT I HAD NO LIFE BEFORE. SO... THINGS ARE OK I GUESS. IM PRETTY BORED WITH A LOT OF THINGS. SO...I GUESS ILL WRITE A LITTLE BIT NOW THAT I HAVE TIME TO THINK. -JUDGE- "SO EVERYONE THINKS THAT THEY CAN JUDGE EVERYONE BY APPEARANCE AND BY WHAT THEY MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE HEARD ABOUT SOMEONE. SOME ADVICE .:.DONT BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU HEAR.:. A LOT PEOPLE TALK SHIT ABOUT PEOPLE BECAUSE THEIR JEALOUS WELL MAYBE THEY ARE. BUT GO AHEAD, JUDGE THE BOOK BY ITS COVER. DONT PICK IT UP AND DONT READ ANY OF THE LINES. YOU KNOW JUDGING PEOPLE IS OVERRATED. ISNT IT BETTER TO ASK SOMEONE PERSONALLY IF THEY DID OR DID NOT DO SOMETHING? WHY JUST BASE YOUR WHOLE THOUGHT PROCESS OF THEM ON WHAT YOUVE HEARD? JUST ASK. PEOPLE MAY SURPRISE YOU. EVERYONE HAS SKELETONS IN THEIR CLOSET WHETHER THEY ADMIT IT OR NOT. BUT WHY JUDGE THEM ON SOMETHING THEY DID 5 YEARS AGO? THE PAST IS OVER YES IT SOMETIMES COMES BACK TO HAUNT YOU BUT ITS OVER AND PEOPLE SOMETIMES CAN ACTUALLY CHANGE. SO DONT JUDGE ANYONE ON WHAT YOUVE HEARD THROUGH THE RUMOR MILL BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE ALL DIFFERENT AND SOMETIMES ITS THE ONES THAT YOU MEET IN TIME AND THAT WERENT THERE ALL ALONG THAT YOU END UP LOVING THE MOST"
6/19/03-WITHOUT HOPE- "I AM WITHOUT WHAT MOST POEPLE CALL HOPE. I DONT BELIEVE IN FATE AND I DONT BELIEVE IN KARMA. I DONT BELIEVE IN GOD. DOES ME NOT BELIEVING FUCK ME UP? AM I NOT GOING TO LIVE WHATEVER LIFE IS TO THE FULLEST? IS IT JUST AN ENDLESS CYCLE OF BULLSHIT LIES? ITS CRAZY TO SEE WHAT YOU ARE. MAYBE HAVING HOPE IN YOURSELF HELPS YOU HAVE HOPE FOR YOUR LIFE. BUT I DONT HAVE EITHER SO WHAT AM I. AM I LESS OF A PERSON BECAUSE IM NOT INFLUENCED BY A HIGHER POWER? IF I AM, I REALLY DONT CARE. IM NOT REALLY A PERSON ANYWAY. NOT IN MY MIND ANYHOW. A PERSON HAS TO FEEL THINGS AND BE CARING RIGHT? BUT WHAT DO I FEEL? WHO DO I CARE FOR? LIVING WITHOUT HOPE MAKES AN INTERESTING VIEW ON LIFE. ITS LIKE LOOKING IN A BLACK HOLE AND VISUALIZING NOTHING IN THE HOLE. NO END TO THE HOLE, JUST BLACK EVERYWHERE SO IF YOU JUMPED YOU'D FALL FOREVER, SO WHY NOT JUMP NOW AND PUT IT ALL TO AN END!"
6/16/03
-Poetic Tragedy-
"the cup is not half empty as pescimists say
as far as he's sees nothings left in the cup
a whole cup full of nothing for him to induldge
since the voice of ambition has long since been shut up
a singer, a writer, he's not dreaming now of going nowhere
he gave heed to nothing, and all that he was....
is just a tragedy
so he voyages in circles
succeeds getting nowhere
and submits to the substance
that first got him there
than in violent, frustration he cries out to God or just no one
is there a point to this madness and all that he was....
is just a tragedy
he feels alone
his heart in his hand
he's alone
he feels alone
I feel....
then on that last day he breaks
and he stood tall
and he yelled... and he takes his life" -The Used
-Blue And Yellow-
"and it's all in how you mix the two
and it starts just where the light exists
it's a feeling that you cannot miss
and it burns a hole
through everyone that feels it
well your never gonna find it
if your looking for it
won't come your way
well you'll never find it
if your looking for it
should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you
and you never would have though in the end
how amazing it feels just to live again
it's a feeling that you cannot miss
it burns a hole through everyone that feels it
should've said something but I've said it enough
by the way my words were faded
rather waste some time with you" -The Used
6/15/03
-Greener With The Scenery-
"you took it back
how could you go and do something like that
my fingernail phase
worst has got the best of you
I ask you and I know I need to change
you took it back
you ripped my heart out of my then you put it back
I'm pulling my hair
I let you just a million times
I love you even though it isn't fair
change
run we go around again in circles
play this game over again" -The Used
-On My Own-
"see all those people on the ground
wasting time
i try to hold it all inside
but just for tonight
the top of the world
sitting here wishing
the things I've become
that something is missing
maybe I...
but what do I know
and now it seems that i have found
nothing at all
I want to hear your voice out loud
slow it down
without it all
I'm choking on nothing
it's clear in my head
and I'm screaming for something
knowing nothing is better than knowing at all
On My Own" -The Used
5/29/03-RUNAWAY- "Graffiti decorations
Under a sky of dust
A constant wave of tension
On top of broken trust
The lessons that you taught me
I learn were never true
Now I find myself in question
(They point the finger at me again)
Guilty by association
(You point the finger at me again)
I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind
Paper bags and angry voices
Under a sky of dust
Another wave of tension
Has more than filled me up
All my talk of taking action
These words were never true
Now I find myself in question
(They point the finger at me again)
Guilty by association
(You point the finger at me again)
I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind
i'm gonna run away and never say goodbye
(gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away)
i'm gonna run away and never wonder why
(gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away)
i'm gonna run away and open my mind
(gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away)
I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind
i wanna run away
and open up my mind
i wanna run away
and open up my mind
i wanna run away
and open up my mind
i wanna run away
and open up my mind"-LINKIN PARK
5/22/03-ALWAYS- "I, LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO HAVE WHAT I DONT HAVE. IVE ALWAYS WANTED THE IDEAL BEST FRIEND THAT "CHILDHOOD-GREW-UP-TOGETHER-KNOW-EVERYTHING-ABOUT-EACH-OTHER-AND-WOULD-DIE-FOR-THE-OTHER" FRIEND. BUT I DONT. IVE ALWAYS WANTED THAT LOVE THAT I SEE IN EVERYONE ELSES EYES BUT MINE. IVE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE LOVED AND TO BE LOOKED AT WITH LOVE. BUT I DONT. IVE ALWAYS WANTED TO BELONG, BUT I DONT. ITS LIKE WHY IS EVERYONE ELSE HAVING THE TIME OF THEIR LIVES WHILE IM STUCK WITH THE THOUGHT OF "DIE TODAY LIVE TOMORROW". I DO. I JUST WANT TO DIE SO THAT I CAN BE FREED FROM THIS REPLUSIVE OUTSIDE PICTURE AND THIS COMPLICATED BULLSHIT EXCUSE FOR A PERSON INSIDE PICTURE. ITS LIKE WHAT I SEE IS ME BUT ITS NOT. IM THINKING IM SOMEONE ELSE WHEN I TALK, WHEN I CANT SEE ME. BUT THEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND IM SUDDENLY FILLED WITH HATE. IM DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF. BUT THATS JUST IT. IM ALWAYS LIKE THAT. IVE ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THAT IF I HAVENT CHANGED YET THEN IM NOT GOING TO. IT ALL COMES DOWN TO BELIEVING IN WHETHER OR NOT PEOPLE CAN CHANGE. AND I HONESTLY DONT KNOW IF PEOPLE CAN CHANGE. I HAVENT. BUT IM DUMB AND IM NOT REALLY A PERSON. IM JUST HERE UNTIL I DECIDE TO LEAVE."
-THE DREAM-"As I sit by myself,
I've come from so, so far away.
In such little time, I have gave,
My soul, my mind, I've tried so hard to find.
Is this what I must do, to get by?
And I ask myself why?
Why don't you run, why don't you call me,
I'll wait here.
I'll find my way, or will you help me out this year?
Does she understand me?
Listen to what I say.
Turning her back, on my dreams.
Watching, waiting.
You turn your back.
I'll find my way home,
You turn your back.
Turn your back on my dream,
So strong, so weak, we're stronger still.
Is this what I must do?
This I, why?
I know.
Why don't you run, why don't you call me,
I'll wait here.
I'll find my way, or will you help me out this year?"-THURSDAY
-I WANT YOU TO NEED ME- "I want to be the face you see when you close your eyes
I want to be the touch you need every single night
I want to be your fantasy
And be your reality
And everything between
I want you to need me
Like the air you breathe
I want you to feel me
In everything
I want you to see me
In your every dream
The way that I taste you, feel you, breathe you, need you
I want you to need me, need me
Like I need you
I wanna be the eyes that look deep into your soul
I wanna be the world to you I just want it all
I wanna be your deepest kiss
The answer to your every wish
I'm all you ever need
I want you to need me
Like the air you breathe
I want you to feel me
In everything
I want you to see me
In your every dream
The way that I taste you, feel you, breathe you, need you
I want you to need me, need me
Like I need you
Cause I need you more than you could know
And I need you to never never let me go
And I need to be deep inside your heart
I just want to be everywhere you are
I wanna be the face you see when you close your eyes
I wanna be the touch you need every single night
I want to be your fantasy
And be your reality
And everything between
I want you to need me
Like the air you breathe
I want you to feel me
In everything
I want you to see me
In your every dream
The way that I taste you, feel you, breathe you, need you
I want you to need me, need me
Like I need you
Need me
Like I need you
Need me
Like I need you" -D. WARREN-
5/17/03-I'M GONE-"When you came to me You said love could not erase The ever-present memory
Of another face I tried to make you love me How could I be so blind To think I'd be the one to change your mind And if I'm gone before you start Well you can find me in your heart Who can say if it's right or wrong I've waited for you too long And if I can't hold on I'm gone When you came to me I said love will find a way For every heart that leaves Another heart will stay I guess you couldn't see Past the shadows in the night It seems the time for us just wasn't right And if I'm gone before you start Well you can find me in your heart Who can say if it's right or wrong? I've waited for you too long And if I can't hold on
I'm gone" -ALISON KRAUSS- "The dictionary defines "apathy" as a lack of emotion or feeling. I'm a victim of apathy...I mean I feel some emotions...but...they aren't the nice ones like...love or happiness. Maybe it's because i've never really been shown love...no one has really loved me the way i've loved them. I also don't trust people...I used to...but not anymore."-Cassandra Roseanne-...THAT DESCRIBES ME PERFECTLY...
5/13/03 -SOMETIMES- "SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I AM ALONE AND HAVE NO ONE BECAUSE THE PEOPLE WHO SAY THEY ARE MY CLOSE FRIENDS ARENT. ITS LIKE I NEED TO TALK TO YOU AND YOU ASK ME WHATS WRONG AND I START TO TELL YOU BUT THEN YOU JUST DONT LISTEN AND START DOING OTHER THINGS. SO WHY ASK IN THE FIRST PLACE IF YOU HONESTLY DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WHATS WRONG. I NEED WHAT EVERYONE ELSE HAS. YOU ALL HAVE YOUR ONE CLOSE FRIEND, AND WHAT DO I HAVE? I HAVE MYSELF SO THEN WHEN YOU ACTUALLY PULL YOURSELVES AWAY FROM EACH OTHER TO ASK ME WHATS WRONG AND I KEEP TO MYSELF YOU GET MAD. I DONT UNDERSTAND. I AM ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU. FUCKING ALWAYS, AND I ALWAYS WILL BE, YET I FEEL SO UNDER-APPRECIATED. MAYBE IT'S ME I DONT KNOW. IT PROBABLY IS BECAUSE ITS MY FAULT THAT I DONT HAVE REAL FRIENDS(BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT SO I'LL BLAME THIS ON ME TOO). I JUST WISH THAT SOMETIMES I DID HAVE FRIENDS WHO CARED."
5/11/03 -HURTING- "IM CRYING INSIDE BUT OUTSIDE I DONT SHOW IT, IM IN SO MUCH PAIN. I HATE THIS I JUST WANT TO DIE. THIS PAIN BOTHERS ME. GODDAMNIT I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT THIS PAIN. I SUPPOSE I COULD JUST KILL MYSELF AND IT'LL ALL GO AWAY, BUT WILL IT MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS ANYTHING ANYWAY? I CANT EVEN DESCRIBE THIS PAIN IT JUST HURTS SO MUCH, SO BASICALLY I SUCK UP MY TEARS AND ACT LIKE IM OK BUT INSIDE IM A MESS AND THE WORST PART IS NO ONE IS THERE TO COMFORT ME."
5/10/03 -JUST THINK- "WHAT IS THE POINT OF ALL OF IT? THE FIGHTING AND ALL AND PEOPLE GETTING PISSED. IT'S LIKE I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT ALL OF IT. IT JUST MAKES ME THINK ABOUT WHO AND WHAT I NEED IN LIFE AND IF ANYTHING REALLY MATTERS. I SAT TODAY AND JUST THOUGHT BY MYSELF ABOUT WHAT IS IMPORTANT AND IM LOST, MY SOUL IS LOST. ITS LIKE IM DROWNING AND NO ONE IS THERE TO HELP ME FIND THE SURFACE. SIT AND THINK. ITS FUN TO LISTEN TO THE SOUND OF THE WORLD THAT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE TO YOU. IS WEIRD."
5/8/03-THE FEELING- "SOMETIMES I GET THE FEELING THAT DOESNT GO AWAY, IT MAKES PEOPLE ASK WHATS WRONG. ALL I CAN SAY IS NOTHING BECAUSE I DONT KNOW WHAT IS WRONG. THE FEELING COMES AND GOES, SOMETIMES IT LASTS FOR A WHILE. ITS LIKE SOMETHING INSIDE ME MAKES ME THINK CRAZY HORRIBLE THOUGHTS BUT MAYBE THEY ARE TRUE. I DONT REALLY KNOW WHAT TO DO. I NEED HELP IN A SENSE THAT MAYBE HELP CAN MAKE THE FEELING GO AWAY BUT I KNOW THAT THERE IS NO HELP FOR ME IN THIS CASE I DONT KNOW WHAT THE HELL TO DO ANYMORE. IM GUESSING THAT SINCE THE FEELING KEEPS COMING BACK THAT I NEED TO JUST LEAVE IT ALONE OR LEAVE PERIOD BUT I DONT KNOW, I AM LOST SOUL IN A FUCKED UP WORLD."
-IN YOUR EYES- "IN YOUR EYES I USED TO SEE THIS LIGHT, THIS UNTOUCHABLE LIGHT THAT WOULD JUST MAKE EVERYONE LAUGH AND THEIR MOOD WOULD SUDDENLY GO FROM BAD TO DELIGHTFUL. YOU MADE EVERYONE FEEL AS THOUGH THEY WERE CARED FOR. BUT NOW...YOU ARE ALWAYS JUST IN THIS WEIRD MOOD. IN YOUR EYES I CAN SEE THAT YOU ARE HURTING AND I CAN SEE THAT YOU ARE MAD. I DONT KNOW WHAT FOR I MEAN MAYBE I DO BUT SINCE YOU DONT TALK TO ME I DONT. MANY THINGS WILL BE FUCKED UP IN THIS STUPID EXISTENCE CALLED LIFE. I WISH THAT ONE DAY I WILL LOOK INTO YOUR EYES AND SEE THE HAPPY PERSON YOU ONCE WERE, BUT I NEVER KNOW WITH YOU ANYMORE ITS LIKE I MEAN NOTHING, I FEEL THAT WAY, I FEEL LIKE I AM NOTHING WHEN IT COMES TO YOU AND MAYBE I AM."
-IMAGINE YOURSELF- "DEATH IS A WORRY FOR MANY PEOPLE. IT MAKES ME HAPPY. IM NOT WORRIED. IF LIFE WAS FUN AND MADE ME FEEL LIKE PEOPLE LOVED ME ENOUGH FOR ME TO STAY HERE I WOULD BUT I DONT THINK IT WOULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE IF I WAS HERE OR NOT. JUST FOR ONE SECOND IMAGINE YOURSELF ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN...NOW WHAT DO YOU SEE? YEA, IS NOT VERY HAPPY BEING ME BUT NO ONE REALLY UNDERSTANDS THAT OR ME BECAUSE I DONT NEED TO TELL THEM WHAT THEY DONT WANT TO HEAR. IF MY LIFE HAD A PURPOSE THEN I WOULD STAY BUT FOR NOW IM OUTSIDE IMAGINING THAT I AM LOVED AND HAPPY AND WORTH WHATEVER THE FUCK LIFE IS."
5/6/03-BETRAYAL- "AS LONG AS YOUR HAPPY I GUESS ITS OK FOR YOU TO HURT ME SO FUCKING BADLY. YOU MAY NOT KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO ME BUT IT MEANS A LOT. IT'S LIKE YOU DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT MY FEELINGS AS LONG AS YOUR HAPPY. I KNOW THAT YOU GET SOME PLEASURE BECAUSE THEY WILL LOOK AT YOU BUT THEY WONT LOOK AT ME. WELL FUCK MY UGLINESS AND HAVE SOME RESPECT, AS FAR AS IM CONCERNED YOUR DEAD TO ME. IF I FORGIVE YOU, WHICH I DONT KNOW IF I WILL BECAUSE IT WILL TAKE ME A WHILE TO UNDERSTAND WHY YOU COULD HURT ME LIKE THIS SEEING AS HOW YOU ARE NEVER SUPPOSED TO DO THIS TO PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY NOT ME, IT WILL BE DIFFERENT I CAN GUARANTEE THAT YOU MAY NOT KNOW WHY IT HURT ME SO MUCH AND I GUESS YOULL NEVER KNOW BECAUSE I NO LONGER TRUST YOU OR WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU. YOU SAY YOU ARE TRYING TO HELP ME OR MAKE ME GET OVER SOMETHING WELL IT DIDNT HELP IT JUST MADE ME HATE YOU WITH A DEEP PASSION. YOU BETRAYED ME, ITS OVER NOW I AM DEAD TO YOU AS YOU ARE ME."
5/2/03-QUICK THOUGHTS- "IF EVERYONE WAS HAPPY THEN THERE WOULD BE NO REASON TO LIVE""IF TIME HAD A PURPOSE WOULD WE BE TOGETHER?"
"RELATIONSHIPS ARE A LOT LIKE DOGS. AT FIRST THEY ARE LOVING AND CUTE AND YOU LIKE SPENDING TIME AND PLAYING. THEN THEY GET OLDER AND MESS THINGS UP AND PISS YOU OFF THEN THEY JUST GET TO BE THERE AND SOMETIMES YOU JUST FORGET ABOUT THEM AND THEN THEY EVENTUALLY DIE"
"MORE PEOPLE LIKE THE THOUGHT OF LOVE RATHER THAN THE ACT OF LOVE"
"IF I LEAVE HERE TOMORROW, WOULD YOU STILL REMEMBER ME"?-LYNARD SKYNARD FREEBIRD
"DEATH IS A DESTINATION, YOUR DESTINED TO DIE SO WHY NOT DIE NOW?"
"I SEE THE BEAUTY FROM THE INSIDE, I LOOK IN YOUR EYES AND SEE YOUR LOVE, YOUR SO BEAUTIFUL"
-DEAR MARY-"BLONDE HAIR BLUES EYES IN THE NIGHT SHE CRIES AND CRIES SAD GIRL WITH YOUNG EYES HOLDS A GUN AT HER SIDE MARY MARY. SWEET SMILE SO WHITE FAKES A SMILE UNTIL NIGHT ENVIED BY THE OLD GIRLS MUCH TO PRETTY FOR THEIR WORLD OH MARY YOUR FOREVER 15 ALL THE MEN AND THE BOYS HOW THEY WANTED YOU MADE ALL THE GIRLS TURN GREEN. BEACH TOWN SMALL TOWN JEALOUSY WAS ALL AROUND A SWEET SMILE AND KIND EYES WAS SO HARD TO FIND MARY YOUR FOREVER 15 YOU LIE ON THE HILL PERFECTLY STILL NOW NEVER HEARD OR SEEN. IT WAS 4 YEARS AGO OF LIVING HELL I MADE IT FARELY WELL YOU WERE SO BLIND YOU COULD NOT SEE ALL THAT YOU WERE ENDING OH MARY YOUR FOREVER 15 DID IT HURT SO BAD WELL I KNOW CAUSE THEY HURT ME TOO, BUT MARY I LEARNED FROM YOU, MARY I LEARNED FROM YOU MARY I LEARNED FROM YOU"-ARYANA "I WOULD GIVE IT ALL TO YOU IF WOULD WOULD HAVE ME"
"CRY FOR ME WHILE I CRY FOR YOU, AND SIT AND THINK ABOUT HOW I LOVE YOU, SIT AND WONDER WHY I AM SO SAD AND WHY LIFE TREATS ME BAD. I THINK YOU WOULD LOVE ME IF YOU TRIED BUT YOU WONT TRY TO SEE THE LIGHT ALL I AM TO YOU IS NOTHING."
"KEEP ME IN THE BACK OF YOUR MIND AS EVERYONE TREATS YOU LIKE YOU ARE LOVED AND EVERYONE CROWDS AROUND YOU AND TELLS YOU THAT YOU ARE SO WONDERFUL AND BEAUTIFUL THEN TURN AROUND AND LOOK FOR ME BUT I WONT BE THERE, IM TOO FAR GONE NOW, WE WERENT MEANT FOR EACH OTHER ANYHOW."
4/30/03 -MAKE THE WAVES- "I DID WHAT I COULD BUT I STILL FAILED. IS IT ENOUGH F0R YOU TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HELL I GO THROUGH EVERYDAY. YOU MAY NOT THINK I HAVE IT BAD BUT YOU DONT KNOW. AND IM NOT GOING TO TELL YOU JUST SO YOU CAN THINK YOU KNOW BECAUSE NO ONES KNOWS AND NO ONE WILL KNOW. EVERYTHING MEANS SOMETHING TO EVERYONE WHETHER ITS BIG OR SMALL. AND WHETHER OR NOT YOU UNDERSTAND IT MAKES NO DIFFRENCE ANYMORE. I NO LONGER CARE. IM SORRY BUT I DONT. IM NOT ABOUT TO KEEP ON TRYING TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO YOU. ALL IT DOES IS MAKE WAVES AND GET PEOPLE IN ARGUMENTS AND IM TIRED OF FIGHTING AND ARGUING. SO I GUESS JUST LET IT GO I UNDERSTAND I AM A FAILURE AND IF I DONT CARE THEN YOU SHOULDNT. SO JUST STOP."
-I SAW YOU- "I SAW YOU TODAY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A WHILE AND STILL YOU FEEL NOTHING AS I FEEL LIKE IM BEING STABBED IN THE BACK WITH A KNIFE. I FEEL AS THOUGH IM DYING AND STILL YOU DONT CARE. I KNOW THAT YOU'LL NEVER CARE FOR ME LIKE YOU DO FOR HER OR THE OTHERS BUT STILL I WAIT. I SAW YOU TODAY AND I THOUGHT WHAT IF I LET GO WHAT IF I LET IT ALL JUST GO AWAY WOULD I BE BETTER? BUT I KNOW THAT I WOULDNT BECAUSE IM NEVER BETTER IM NEVER OK AND ILL NEVER LET GO OF YOU. YOU DONT GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT ME BUT THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT YOU THAT I JUST FUCKING LOVE AND I FEEL THAT IF I LET YOU GO THAT I WILL NEVER LOVE AGAIN AND MAYBE I AM WRONG BUT I DONT FEEL WRONG."
-CAN YOU FEEL IT?- "LOVE. CAN YOU FEEL IT? I CAN'T. IF ANYONE LOVES ME I CANT FEEL IT. I DONT KNOW WHAT LOVE FEELS LIKE BECAUSE NO ONES EVER LOVED ME THE WAY I LOVE THEM. I GUESS MAYBE I EXPECT TO MUCH FROM PEOPLE. I EXPECT THEM TO CARE BUT MOST OF THEM DONT BUT MAYBE THATS JUST ME NOT FEELING THEIR CARE. IT SUCKS NOT BEING ABLE TO FEEL ANYTHING. IS LIKE PEOPLE WONT GO OUT OF THEIR WAY TO DO ANYTHING FOR ME AND WHEN IM UPSET NO ONE CARES. DONT GET ME WRONG I DONT LIKE TO BE BUGGED ABOUT SHIT WHEN IM MAD BUT I DUNNO. ITS DIFFERENT WITH ME, OTHER PEOPLE KNOW THEY ARE LOVED BUT I DONT. WELL MAYBE I KNOW IT BUT I CANT FEEL IT. LOVE IS JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT PEOPLE EITHER FEEL OR THEY DONT. EVERYONE HAS LOVE BECAUSE EVERYONE LOVES SOMETHING BUT FEELING IT MEANS MORE. IT MEANS A LOT TO KNOW THAT PEOPLE WILL BE THERE FOR YOU AND CARE AND SHIT BUT ITS NOT LIKE THAT FOR ME. I CANT GET THAT FEELING WITH PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME BECAUSE I DONT THINK THEY DO . ITS LIKE I CONSTANTLY QUESTION MY FREINDS AND FAMILY AND SHIT LIKE THAT ABOUT HOW MUCH OR IF AT ALL THAT THEY LOVE ME. I DUNNO I DUNNO. MAYBE ITS BECAUSE THE ONE PERSON I LOVE MORE THAN ANYTHING WILL NEVER LOVE ME SO I BLOCK OUT EVERYONES ELSES LOVE. I DUNNO." SO YEA I THINK I GOT A JOB AT PUBLIX I HAVE TO GO FOR ORIENTATION ON THE 17TH OF MAY I THINK..I WILL FIND OUT OF FRIDAY WHEN I GO TALK TO THEM BUT IM NOT SURE IF I WANT TO WORK THERE OR WALMART BECAUSE I WILL GET MORE AT WALMART AND I WONT HAVE TO DO AS MUCH THERE BUT I DUNNO I MIGHT JUST QUIT AND THEN GO TO WALMART...WELL ANYWAY I GRADUATE IN 2 WEEKS...YES!!!! IM SO HAPPY IM FINALLY OUT OF SCHOOL WELL I WILL BE IF I PASS THIS DAMN TEST I HAVE IN SATAN TOMORROW...WELL LATER
4/21/03 I BELIEVE PRINCE SAYS IT BEST..."Something to read...
Im in this world alone.
No ones here to help me out its like Im trapped with no way out.
Constantly yelled at for things I do and its always me, never you.
Why is it "do as i say, not as i do" if you can do it why cant i do it too.
I guess friends arent like they used to be.
Cuz im loyal to you yet you could give to shits about me.
I wonder how fast you would sell me out or fuck me over to help yourself out.
Its sad i can no longer put my trust in you, especially with all the shit we've been through.
Im so fed up with peoples shit and i guess life long friends no longer exist...
~Katie~"
-IT'S BULLSHIT- "ITS BULLSHIT HOW ALL YOU THINK ABOUT IS HURTING YOURSELF THROUGH THE SATISFACTION OF OTHERS. MAKING THEM TRY TO CARE WHEN THEY DONT. THINKING ABOUT HOW THE HELL YOUR GOING TO LOVE SOMEONE WHO HAS NO LOVE FOR YOU. LOVE IS A GAME WITH TOO MANY PLAYERS. AND IF YOU WIN YOU STILL LOSE SOMEHOW. TRY TO HURT YOURSELF AND SEE WHO CARES ITS FUNNY WHEN YOU SEE THAT THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE THE MOST DONT CARE. ITS A BULLSHIT SITUATION BUT ITS TRUE. FORGET THE LOVE THAT YOUVE HAD FOREVER AND TRY TO MOVE ON TO PEOPLE WHO KNOW NOTHING ABOUT YOU, BUT DO PEOPLE KNOW YOU ANYWAY? LISTEN TO THE KNIFE AND LISTEN HARD. GET THE COURAGE AND PRESS DOWN. LET IT SLIDE ACROSS YOUR SKIN AND WATCH THE BLOOD FALL. WATCH IT AND CRY AND THINK OF THE LIFE THAT PASSES YOU BY AS YOUR BLOOD AND TEARS FALL. LET YOUR MIND GO THROUGH YOUR LIFE AND LET IT RECONSTRUCT THE PAST EXPERIENCES, THEN LAUGH AT THE LOSER YOU ARE AND LAUGH AT WHAT YOU WOULD NEVER BECOME AND LAUGH THAT YOU WERE NEVER LOVED BY THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE FOR ALL THOSE YEARS AND LAUGH THAT NO ONE NOT EVEN YOURSELF GAVE TWO SHITS ABOUT YOU. SO ITS BULLSHIT RIGHT, TO LET IT ALL GO. TO TAKE A KNIFE TO PLEASE YOURSELF. ITS WRONG RIGHT, ITS BULLSHIT RIGHT. NO ITS SATISFACTION. ITS HOPE, ITS FAITH, ITS THE END OF A TROUBLING TIME IN WHICH PEOPLE LOOKED AT YOU AND LAUGHED AT YOUR EVERY BEING. AND TOLD YOU THAT YOU WERE WORTHLESS AND THAT YOU WOULD NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING AND THAT YOU WOULD DIE LOVING THE ONE TRUE PERSON WHO YOU YOURSELF WOULD DIE FOR, BUT NOW YOU DIE FOR YOU AND YOU DIE TO TELL YOURSELF THAT YOU COULD NEVER BE HAPPY UNLESS YOU WERE SUFFERING. SO SUFFER NO MORE AND LAUGH BECAUSE FOR ONCE YOUR HAPPY AND YOUR DOING WHAT YOUVE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO. SO THE PEOPLE WHO ARE SAD NOW, NOW THEY KNOW HOW YOU FELT ALL THOSE LOST AND TROUBLED YEARS OF PAIN. ITS BULLSHIT I KNOW BUT ITS CLOSURE AND THAT MAKES A WORLD OF PAIN A WORLD OF BLISS." I WILL CLOSE AT THIS. THIS IS THE END LET ME FALL AND LET ME DIE BECAUSE I AM HAPPY NOW, FOR LIFE ISNT REAL ANYWAY
4/20/03
-LIFE IS LOST- "TO SEE YOURSELF FROM ANOTHERS POINT OF VIEW IS LIKE LOOKING IN A MIRROR AND LAUGHING AT YOUR EXISTENCE. IT'S LIKE WHAT DO YOU SEE. ARE YOU HAPPY? SAD? LOST? IN PAIN? WHO ARE YOU EVEN? DO OTHERS EVEN SEE YOU AS YOU SEE YOURSELF? WHAT IS A LIFE ANYWAY ITS LIKE THIS..THIS IS LIFE...LOSING...INSECURITIES...FINDING...EXISTENCE... YOU EXIST ONLY TO THOSE WHO BELIEVE IN YOU. SO IF YOU DONT BELIEVE IN YOURSELF YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD...SO TO THOSE NON-BELIEVERS I GUESS YOUR JUST STUCK IN THIS DAMN LIFE THINKING HOW THE FUCK DO I GET OUT?" -RETURN- "RETURN TO ME THATS ALL I WANT, IS FOR YOU TO COME BACK AND SAVE ME FROM MYSELF. FOR YOU TO TELL ME ILL BE ALRIGHT AND THAT ILL END UP BELIEVING IN ALL THAT IS TRUE AND ALL THAT IS ME. I NEED YOU TO COME BACK AND TELL ME THAT I AM LOVED IN SOME WAY OR ANOTHER WHETHER OR NOT I FEEL IT. RETURN DAMNIT SAVE ME FROM MY PROBLEMS RESCUE ME FROM THE PEOPLE THAT I CANT LOVE. TELL ME ILL LIVE TELL ME ILL MOVE ON. FUCKING JUST HELP ME TO STOP AND MOVE ON FROM THIS PATH OF DESTRUCTION BEFORE IT GETS TO THE POINT WHERE I COMPLETELY GIVE UP. PLEASE COME BACK PLEASE BUT I KNOW IM ASKING TO MUCH. YOU CANT COME BACK CAN YOU? SO IM DONE...FINISHED...LOST...DEAD"-CRYING- IM CRYING INSIDE CAN YOU HEAR ME? IM CRYING BEACUSE IM WORTHLESS DONT YOU KNOW THAT? I CRY BECAUSE YOU DONT LOVE ME. IM CRYING DAMNIT MAKE ME STOP. TELL ME LIFE WILL BE OVER SOON. JUST TALK TO ME, COMFORT ME, HELP ME. IM ASKING FOR HELP. I NEED HELP. IM NOT OK. IM OVERFLOWING WITH EMOTIONS, MY TEARS IMPOWER ME. I AM A LOST SOUL. NOW IM A CRYING SOUL, A PITIFUL CRYING LOST SOUL THAT NEEDS HELP. SO WILL YOU HELP ME? WILL YOU STEP UP AND HELP ME? YEA I DIDNT THINK YOU WOULD BECAUSE IM ALREADY TO FAR GONE AND YOU ALREADY LEFT ME ANYWAY."
-KNOWING YOU- "I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU KNOW. AND YOU DONT KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU BECAUSE I CANT SHOW MY LOVE. I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER JUST BECAUSE I KNOW YOU. YOUVE GONE THROUGH SO MUCH THAT I COULD NEVER FUCKING IMAGINE BUT STILL IN YOUR WORLD YOUR SOMEWHAT HAPPY. SO HOW COME I CANT BE HAPPY. YOUVE GONE THROUGH WAY MORE THAN ME AND YOUR HAPPY WHILE IM CRAZY. I LOVE YOUR SPIRIT AND ADMIRE YOUR COURAGE. KNOWING YOU HAS MADE ME A LITTLE BETTER, YOU HAVE CHANGED MY WAY OF THINKING. I STILL HAVE MY THOUGHT PROCESS OF DREAMING ABOUT A LIFE THAT FANTASIZES ABOUT ITS OWN DEMISE. BUT YOU MADE ME DIFFERENT IN OTHER WAYS. YOU MADE ME LOVE PEOPLE FOR WHAT THEY CAN DO AS WELL AS WHAT THEY HAVE DONE, WHETHER THEIR EXPERIENCES HAVE BEEN GOOD OR BAD. I FEEL HONORED FOR HAVING KNOWN YOU."
-WHOEVER I MAY BE-TIME MAKES ME THINK ABOUT WHAT THE WORLD WOULD BE LIKE IF I HADNT BEEN BORN. I WONDER IF PEOPLE WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPIER HAVING NOT MET ME. HAVING NOT HAD TO WORRY ABOUT ME. I AM WHO I AM WHOEVER I MAY BE AND I GUESS ALL I ASK IS THAT PEOPLE EXCEPT ME FOR ME. AND EXCEPT THAT I CANT CHANGE SOMETHING THAT I HAVE FELT MY ENTIRE LIFE. MY APOLOGIES TO THOSE WHO CARE A GREAT DEAL FOR ME WHOEVER YOU MAY BE..BUT I AM WHO I AM WHOEVER I MAY BE"
3/31/03-FRIENDS- "FRIENDS DECIEVE YOU AND FRIENDS MAKE YOU CRY, FRIENDS LAUGH AT YOU AND FRIENDS LIE. WHO ARE YOUR FRIENDS IF YOU CAN SAY, AND HOW MANY OF THEM VISIT YOU DURING THE DAY. DO YOU REALLY TRUST THEM OR ARE THEY JUST THERE, ARE YOU REALLY SURE THAT THEY CARE?"
3/25/03 IT'S BEEN QUITE A WHILE SINCE IVE WRITTEN. I'VE JUST BEEN GOING THROUGH SOMETHING I GUESS. ITS LIKE EVERYTHING PISSES ME OFF AND I DONT KNOW WHO TO TRUST OR WHAT TO DO. PEOPLE I THOUGHT THAT DIDNT CARE THAT MUCH I GUESS THEY DO. I THOUGHT I WAS HIDING BUT I GUESS I WASNT DOING A GOOD JOB. IT'S LIKE EVERYDAY SEEMS TO GET WORSE AND WORSE AND THE MORE IT HAPPENS THE MORE I WANT TO LEAVE. I DONT UNDERSTAND A LOT OF THINGS AND I HAVE A LOT TO LEARN. SO SHOULD I STAY AND LEARN? OR LEAVE AND BE FREE? STOP BY BITCHING SOMEONE TOLD ME. OK I WILL BUT JUST TO LET YOU KNOW IT'S COMMENTS LIKE THAT THAT MAKE ME KEEP EVERYTHING INSIDE. I DONT WANT TO BOTHER OTHER PEOPLE WITH MY PROBLEMS. HERES WHAT I WROTE FOR YOU...IM NOT PUTTING YOUR NAME BUT I TOLD YOU TODAY THAT I WROTE SOMETHING FOR YOU LAST NIGHT. SO HERE IT IS.
-THE DARE- "I DARE SOMEONE TO LOVE ME AND SHOW ME THAT THEY CARE. IT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL SO ALIVE, IT WOULD BE SO REAL. IT WOULD BE ALL THAT I'VE WISHED FOR AND MAYBE IT WILL BE SOMETHING MORE. BUT, WHAT YOU DID AND WHAT YOU SAID. I HAVE MY WALLS UP, BUT I GUESS I REALLY DON'T. BECAUSE YOU SAW THROUGH SOME OF THEM. I WAS SCARED, I AM SCARED. I THINK I'M ALONE, MAYBE I'M NOT. I DIDN'T KNOW ANYONE CARED, BUT I GUESS YOU DO. YOU MAY BE THE ONLY ONE, BUT THANK YOU. YOU TOOK THE DARE. THANKS FOR SHOWING YOU CARE." I KNOW THAT I AM REALLY STUBBORN AND DIFFICULT BUT FOR ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE BEEN THERE AND STUCK BY ME AND TRIED TO TALK TO ME AND TALK ME OUT OF THINGS THANK YOU. I DONT KNOW WHERE I WOULD BE WITHOUT YOU. I GUESS YOU ALL ARE TRUE FRIENDS EVEN THOUGH I MAY DOUBT SOME OF YOU. SO THANK YOU!!!
3/14/03-TIME- "YOU KNOW HOW PEOPLE SAY THAT TIME CAN MEND A BROKEN HEART WELL I THINK THAT TIME JUST FUCKS IT UP AND MAKES YOU REALIZE EXACTLY HOW MUCH YOU ARE REALLY IN LOVE AND HOW YOU FEEL. I'M TIRED OF JUST WAITING BECAUSE ALL IT DOES IS MAKE ME THINK AND I'M HONESTLY TIRED OF THINKING ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT I'M GOING TO BE ALONE FOREVER. FUCK MAN FUCK, WHAT IS IT ALL ABOUT? ALL THIS TIME HAS GONE BY AND STILL NOTHING DIFFERENT HAS HAPPENED. SO WHAT DO I DO NOW? I HAVE NO CLUE. THE ONLY THING THAT I KNOW IS THAT IF I KEEP ON WAITING I'M GOING TO LOVE YOU AND I'LL DIE AND IT WILL BE ALL BECAUSE OF ME LOVING YOU TOO MUCH IF THAT IS POSSIBLE WHICH I THINK IT IS. BUT WOULD YOU REALLY CARE IF I DIED BECAUSE I DONT THINK YOU WOULD BECAUSE I KNOW THAT YOU DONT CARE NOW. I GUESS I CAN ACCEPT THAT BUT IT DOESNT CHANGE HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU OR HOW I WILL FEEL. IT ALL DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. TIME IS SHIT JUST LIKE I AM." ......BY THE WAY....MEGAN HAD WHITE SHIT TODAY IT WAS REALLY GROSS...
03/11/03-IF ONLY- "IF ONLY YOU KNEW WHAT YOU DO TO ME AND HOW YOU MAKE ME FEEL. YOU MAKE ME FEEL SO ALIVE AND MAKE ME KNOW WHATS REAL. IF ONLY I COULD TELL YOU HOW MUCH I AM IN LOVE, THEN MAYBE ONE DAY YOU WILL FIND THE STRENGH FROM ABOVE. YOU SEEM TO BELIEVE THAT SOMETHING IS UP HIGH, SO PLEASE BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE THE REASON I CRY. EVERYTIME THAT I CRY ALL I THINK ABOUT IS WHY. WHY YOUR NOT WITH ME, AND WHY I WASTE MY TIME, WHY I AM ALONE, AND WHY I WANT TO DIE. IF ONLY I COULD TELL YOU WHAT I FEEL INSIDE, THEN MAYBE ONE DAY YOU WILL SEE THE BEAUTY THAT MAY LIE. LIE WITHIN MY SOUL, AND LIE WITHIN MY SKIN, I AM SO TIRED I THINK ITS ALL GOING TO END. MAYBE SOMEDAY WHEN IT'S TOO LATE YOU WILL SEE THE LIGHT, BUT IT WILL BE THE DAY THAT I STOP THE FIGHT. IF ONLY I COULD LOVE ANOTHER MAYBE I WOULD BE FREE, BUT FOR NOW I'M STUCK LOVING YOU WITH EVERY PART OF ME."
-FUTURE- "I USED TO THINK THAT I LIVED MY LIFE AS A FUTURISTIC ONE AND THAT I JUST NEVER SAW ANYTHING IN THE FUTURE EXCEPT DEATH OR UNHAPPINESS OR NOTHING JUST A BIG BLACK HOLE. I MAY NEVER FIGURE IT OUT OR WHAT I WANT TO DO, I MEAN WHAT CAN I DO I DONT SEE ANY TALENTS OR SKILLS OR PEOPLE STICKING AROUND BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS IT ALL FIGURED OUT. ALL I SEE AND ALL I'VE EVER SEEN WAS FAILURE AND UNHAPPINESS. FUCKING LIFE IS A JOKE. AND WHO THE FUCK KNOWS. I THINK ITS ALL BULLSHIT. I MEAN WAS EVERYONE MEANT TO HAVE A PURPOSE? I'M SURE THAT HOMELESS PEOPLE WERE MEANT TO BE HOMELESS. BUT WHO THE FUCK CARES..THE FUTURE OR WHATEVER IT MAY BRING CAN SUCK MY ASS BECAUSE I DONT CARE ANYMORE. IF I'M HERE I'M HERE AND IF I LEAVE I'M GONE. I'M OUT"
03/05/03
-DECEPTION- "IT'S FUNNY HOW THE WORLD CAN DECEIVE YOU. ONE MINUTE A PERFECTLY HEALTHY PERSON CAN JUST DIE UNEXPECTEDLY. IT'S LIKE WELL IF THEIR IS A GOD WHERE THE FUCK WAS HE. NOW A FAMILY IS LEFT WITHOUT A MOM AND THERES NOTHING THAT CAN BE DONE. SO WHY DO PEOPLE WANT TO LIVE IN THIS DECIEVING WORLD. WHO KNOWS."
03/03/03 WELL YESTERDAY WAS MY 18TH YEA MOM THREW ME A SURPRISE PARTY SHE KNEW I DIDN'T WANT ONE BUT HEY IT WAS OK I GUESS...ANYWAY YEA TODAY I'M GONNA GO TO FAIRAVILLA AND GO LOOK AT SEX STUFF LOL B/C I HAVE NO LIFE...ANYWAY FUCK THE BULLSHIT I'M OUT. LATER
2/26/03-LOVING- "LOVING WAS THE HARD PART. SHE WAS NEVER REALLY GOOD AT IT UNTIL SHE MET HIM. BUT HE CHANGED HER FOREVER AND SHE NEVER REALLY KNEW WHY. SHE KNEW SHE LOVED HIM THAT SHE NEVER DOUBTED, BUT SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS ABOUT HIM THAT SPARKED HER EVERY INTERMOST FANTASY. HE WAS THE ONE SHE DREAMED ABOUT EVERY NIGHT, AND HE WAS THE ONE SHE CRIED ABOUT. BUT WHAT WAS SHE TO HIM. SHE SPENT EVERYDAY OF HER LIFE LOVING HIM. THE DAY SHE STOPPED WAS THE DAY SHE TOOK HER LIFE. HE NEVER REALY KNEW THOUGH. HE KNEW THAT SHE LOVED HIM BUT HE DIDN'T KNOW WHY HE JUST COULDN'T LOVE HER. MAYBE IT WAS BECAUSE HE WANTED TO LOVE HER BUT WAS AFRAID OF THE LOVE THAT SHE ALREADY HAD FOR HIM OR MAYBE HE JUST NEVER LOVED HER. LOVING WAS THE HARD PART. SHE WAS NOW GOOD AT IT BUT IT DID NO GOOD BECAUSE SHE NO LONGER WAS ABLE TO LOVE."-DAD- "WHAT I DON'T HAVE IS A DAD WHO LOVES ME. WHAT I HAVE IS DAD THAT USED TO HAVE A DAUGHTER BUT NOW THAT HE HAS OTHERS IN HIS LIFE OTHER CHILDREN ANOTHER FAMILY I'M A HAS-BEEN...NOW IT SEEMS AS I'M A NEVER-WAS. SO FUCK IT ALL DAD I REALLY SHOULDN'T CARE BUT I DO. I WISH I HAD A DAD TO TEACH ME HOW PLAY WHO TAUGHT ME HOW TO DRIVE AND FIX CARS AND HOW TO CHANGE THE OIL. BUT I GUESS IT'S TOO LATE BECAUSE I'M AN ADULT NOW AND I'M ABOUT TO START MY LIFE, OR MAYBE END IT. SO DO I FORGET ABOUT YOU OR STILL WAIT FOR YOU TO COME AROUND. I DON'T KNOW DAD I REALLY DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU LOVE ME OR HATE ME BECAUSE I NEVER HEAR FROM YOU SO FUCK IT ALL DAD FUCK IT ALL."
2/24/03 MAN WHATEVER I'M TIRED OF LIVING WITH PEOPLE WHO ALWAYS FIGHT ME AND NEVER LISTEN TO ME AND DON'T UNDERSTAND ME BUT I CAN'T LEAVE BECAUSE NOBODY WANTS ME SO I'M STUCK..I'M SO TIRED OF FUCKING ALWAYS ARGUING OR FIGHTING SERIOUSLY ALL WE EVER DO IS FIGHT...AND IT'S ALWAYS THEM AGAINST ME AND THEN THEY ALWAYS SAY THAT I JUST WANT THEIR SYMPATHY...FUCK SYMPATHY I DON'T WANT THAT SHIT I DON'T GIVE A FUCK I JUST WANT TO BE UNDERSTOOD AND I WANT MY SIDE HEARD...I'D LIVE WITH MY DAD BUT HE DOESN'T WANT ME HELL HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW I EXIST...WELL ANYWAY FUCK THE BULLSHIT BECAUSE THATS WHAT IT ALL IS IT'S BULLSHIT...LATER
2/22/03-DIRTY- "HAHA IT WAS DIRTY AND CAKED ON WHAT THE FUCK..DON'T YOU EVER CLEAN YOUR SHIT...UMM...HOW ABOUT NO..WE CLEANED IT SO NO WORRIES IT'S ALL NICE NOW AND READY FOR YOU TO COME BACK AND SEE IT WHENEVER THE FUCK THAT MAY BE..BUT FOR NOW IT IS NO LONGER DIRTY"
-LOSING- "AM I LOSING ALL HOPE NOW? IT IS ALL I THINK ABOUT. WILL IT EVER RETURN TO WHATEVER IT WAS? WHO KNOWS I WISH THAT YOU WERE HERE WITH ME AND NOT WITH WHOEVER YOU ARE WITH BUT YOUR NOT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW THAT IT ALL HAS CHANGED..IF I KEEP WAITING WILL I BE WASTING MY LIFE? OR HAVE I BEEN LOSING FROM THE START?"
2/21/03
-WHATEVER- "IT'S VERY FUNNY TO SEE HOW MUCH PEOPLE CARE ABOUT PEOPLE...IT'S LIKE IF THEY WERE SOMEONE ELSE THEY WOULD DO ANYTHING..BUT BECAUSE OF WHO OR WHAT IT IS THERES NO WAY IT CAN BE DONE...SO WHATEVER I GUESS I CAN'T GET MAD...I ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT IT BUT NO ONE ELSE DOES..I DEFEND AND DEFEND BUT NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE..SO WHATEVER...I STILL CARE IT STILL BOTHERS ME BUT IT ONLY BOTHERS ME BEACUSE NO ONE ELSE CAN GIVE A SHIT BECAUSE OF WHO IT IS..SO WHATEVER"
2/20/03 -BREAK- "ALL YOU TRY TO DO IS BREAK ME, BUT I WON'T FALL. YOU PROVOKE ME AND TORTURE ME BUT STILL I STAND. DO YOU THINK I AM A FOOL A LOSER A BITCH. I AM, BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE WHATEVER YOU SAY I WON'T RENDER TO IT. I AM WHAT I AM WHATEVER THAT MAY BE AND I'M NOT GOING TO BE BROKEN I'M NOT A CHILD I'M NOT YOUR BITCH YOU DON'T OWN ME AND I WILL NOT BREAK. I MAY HAVE A BROKEN HEART BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN BREAK ALL OF ME. IF I'M BREAKABLE THEN YEA I AM BUT NOT BY YOU. I'M NOT GIVING YOU THE SATISFACTION OF BREAKING ME...THE ONE BROKE MY HEART WILL BREAK ME."
-WAITING-"I'M HERE...BUT I'M WAITING...I'M WAITING FOR THE PERFECT MOMENT TO SAY GOODBYE...BUT THEN I THINK WAIT, THERE ARE SOME, YOU KNOW SOME THAT CARE SOME THAT WILL BE SAD AND CRY..BUT I'M NOT HAPPY..I WANT TO SAY GOODBYE...WILL IT ALL END THOUGH..TO ME YES. I KNOW THEY WILL BE SAD AND IM SORRY BUT I HAVE TO DO THIS FOR ME AND ONLY ME...SO I'M WAITING FOR THE PERFECT TIME TO END IT ALL AND FINALLY BE FREE"
2/17/03
-PAIN- "IF SHE WOULD'VE LIVED TO BE 20 SHE WOULD'VE HAD IT ALL. BUT SHE WAS ALWAYS IN PAIN. ALWAYS HURTING.SO ONE DAY SHE DID IT. NO ONE UNDERSTOOD IT BECAUSE NO ONE REALLY UNDERSTOOD HER. SHE COULD NEVER BE HAPPY, SHE NEVER SAW THE GOOD. SHE WAS ALWAYS IN PAIN AND AFRAID. AFRAID OF EVERYTHING EXCEPT DEATH. DIE TODAY OR LIVE TOMORROW. SHE FIGURED IT OUT. LIFES A MYSTERY. SO WHO KNOWS? SHE DID."
-ANGER- "WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN IT ALL SEEMS TO HURT...IT ALL BUILDS UP AND YOU TRUST NO ONE...IS ANYONE OUT THERE FOR YOU? YOU THREW IT ALL AWAY FOR THAT ONE CHANCE TO GET BETTER...BUT YOUR NOT BETTER YOUR JUST ANGRY...ALL HE DID...AND ALL HE CAN DO...HE MADE YOU THINK...HE MADE YOU HATE...HATE WHAT YOU ARE AND HATE WHO YOU CAN BE...ALL OF IT JUST BUILDS UP, AND YOU HAVE NO WHERE TO TURN AND NO ONE TO TURN TO...SO YOU THREW IT ALL AWAY FOR WHAT?"
-PEOPLE- "WHAT THE HELL IS A PERSON. DOES ANYONE DECIDE TO BE A PERSON. PEOPLE ARE THINGS, THEIR IMAGES. OUR IMAGINATION CREATES AN IMAGE OF SOMEONE AND WE THINK THAT THATS WHAT THEY ARE. WE THINK THEY SHOULD ACT AND BE WHAT WE WANT THEM TO BE BUT THEY AREN'T. THEY ARE WHO THEY WANT TO BE. YOU CAN'T CHANGE SOMEONE OR MOLD SOMEONE INTO WHAT YOU WANT THEM TO BE. THEY ARE WHO THEY ARE...BUT THEY AREN'T NECCESSARILY A PERSON BECAUSE WHO THE FUCK KNOWS WHAT A PERSON IS. PEOPLE ARE IMAGES OF WHAT LIFE ISN'T." THATS JUST THINGS THAT I THINK ABOUT...YOU KNOW THINGS I WRITE DOWN BECAUSE I HAVE NO LIFE...BUT HEY WHAT IS A LIFE...LATER
2/15/03 WHAT THE FUCK MAN MY LAST JOURNAL WAS BULLSHIT AND LIKE ERASED ITSELF...SO YEA THIS ONE WON'T BE AS NICE AS THE OTHER ONE...YEA...I FULLY PLAN ON BASHING PEOPLE WHEN THEY PISS ME OFF...SO YEA PEOPLE ARE PROBABLY GOING TO BE PISSED AT ME BUT I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ANYMORE....I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE EVERYBODY AND THEIR MOM MY ADDY SO THAT THEY ALL WON'T BE SO DAMN NOSEY AND ALL....SO I GUESS I'M JUST GONNA HAVE A JOURNAL SO THAT I KNOW I HAVE SOMEPLACE TO GO SO THAT I CAN GET ALL MY HOSTILITY AND ANGER....BECAUSE UMM...YEA I HAVE A SHIT LOAD OF THAT...SO ANYWAY YEA THATS ABOUT IT I GUESS....RIGHT NOW I'M PAINTING STACY'S ROOM AT HER DADS HOUSE...LINDSEY, BAKER AND KELLY..YEA WERE ALL PRETTY MUCH COVERED IN PAINT AND ALL THAT....ANYWAY..LATER
Email: KRATIS713@aol.com
