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I went to DisneyLand once My son was 8 I loved the lights, the colors and the parades even more than he did He's gone now. I spend my days crisscrossing this great state of ours, California California is the end of the end, it's where you go when you can't travel anymore The ocean stops you You can swim or drown But you must stop Unless you can't stop, then you must drive I've been to every PriceBuster in California, you name it, I've seen it. I just packed my suitcase one day, left "you bitch" written in dust on Lisle's computer and walked out of my job I also left the apartment I used to share with my son and his father his father was long gone We'd gotten divorced 3 years ago when he moved in with his acupuncturist I didn't even know he had back problems, forget his own personal needle doctor I hope she sticks you in places you can't dream of, I remember screaming at him in the lawyers' office He had just explained all the money I thought was ours, that I'd worked for and contributed half of, had gone without my knowledge into his girlfriends acupuncture business Which went bust, or popped or something I just remember driving home and picturing dozens of needles dancing, holding themselves in a line to the sound of the Life is a Circle song Disney again. No, I just left My apartment door opened, and I took my suitcase and credit cards And hit the road I wanted to see every PriceBuster there was All the names and addresses were listed on the brochure the attendant handed to me with my service membership. I used to walk around the stores with my son on the weekends I really didn't know what else to do, so that's what we did I had no money now, and the park was for later My son loved the shops Target, Wal-Mart you name it We'd walk around, he'd leaf through the kids books, I'd read the mysteries We'd look at all the stuff to buy, all of the stuff on the shelves Bicycles and toasters and video equipment in one section and clothes and stockings and shoes in another and finally towards the back The food warehouse section Every kind of food you could imagine They'd give out samples and we'd fill up on them before I made our little purchases Then we'd go to the park, look at the ducks, walk around till it was dusk and go home And that was my life . I didn't realize how lucky I was He was trying out for the track team, a kid has to do something and my son was tall and lanky and very uncoordinated so maybe he must have thought he could run I didn't know anything about it Even if I'd known I wouldn't have stopped him I enjoyed walked around the school track, listening to the birds, hearing a plane fly over head, seeing the grass, the trees Going round and round and round it made me feel I had a purpose I was like the rest of America I was real Maybe my son wanted the same He was only 13 So I don't know I didn't know he had a crazy kind of heart problem No one ever mentioned it Not his doctor, not the school nurse, no one There was so much I didn't know. He just plopped on the ground and boom that was it As quick as going to sleep or sitting on the sofa or turning a lock in the door It was done. I started to wander the Pricebusters a little later Just to remember him, to feel him, to know he was still alive somewhere in my memory Just going up and down the aisles of a big discount store you see all kinds of people Rich ones looking for bargains Poor ones counting pennies Teenagers, old folks, kids Every kind of person there is. I remember being surprised at how many of the kids reminded me of my son, in looks, hair, eyes, attitude There he was at 2, at 8, at 13 I'd smile to myself and watch the child quietly from a distance Sometimes the kid would see me staring and I'd smile at him Sometimes he'd smile back Walking past the film aisle where all the photograph packages are left out for pickup, I started browsing the names In most stores you have to go to the counter to get your pictures but not here, not in PriceBuster or Costco Here you picked up your photos out in the open, like on an assembly line On impulse one night when I was waiting to go home, but prolonging it until the last possible moment, I picked up one of the packages and walked out with it When I got home I took all the pictures out and admired them The people living inside them looked so happy I stared at them for hours, smiling with them. The next day I went back and got some more I went back for one whole week Each time, I came back with more happy people, more happy times They colored my whole house with joy They just did. Once I brought a picture in to my job The one I shared with Lisle A family reunion it must have been, granddad, grandma, and aunt and uncle The whole shebang I scotch taped it to my computer console That's when Lisle flung out at me Who's that you have there Do you know these people Yes, I said, I do And she smiled and rolled her eyes and left. That's when I made up my mind, then and there, to take a road trip I left my goodbye message for Lisle and hit the road. At each PriceBuster I go to, I have a little routine I walk to the food section and get some samples, maybe a cheese cube, a bit of sausage and a cookie, whatever delicacies they have out that day I go to the sport equipment section and admire all the latest stuff they have there It looks so gleamy, so nice and hot Such bright colors on the tennis rackets, not like when I first started playing, back in the dark ages, as my son would have said Then I hit the books, that always takes a couple of hours The recipes in the cookbooks all look so tempting, I can remember drooling over them and saying to my son, you want to try that, you want to try this Then I'd go home and try to recreate the recipe in my memory It never worked The picture of the food always looked so much better than what I could turn out. Then it gets dark, the last call goes out over the store loudspeaker make your last purchases people and cash out now, store closes in 15 minutes Why is it always 15 minutes we get, not 20 or 10 Then I get my pictures and leave Back to the Super8 motel Back to more photographs. Driving around California like I do you realize what a big state it is Mountains, clouds, hills, freeways, ocean, cities, country, we have it all It takes 12 to 16 hours to get from San Diego to Yuma Can you believe it Now I'm on my way to Arizona It's true PriceBuster is opening up a chain in the state I can't wait to cross the Mojave Desert and get to Phoenix My pictures are all locked up in the trunk, safe and happy Waiting for their friends to join them I can't wait to see Sedona There's good energy there Or so I've heard. |
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