Looper Speaks on How to Prevent the
Deadly Sin of Masturbation
This boy must fight temptation because he is not wearing the whole armor
of God. In fact, he is wearing only panties, or what gays calls "Speedos."
I am often asked about masturbation by concerned parents and Christian youth. Here is my answer:
Of all that beasts that prowl the earth, none is more deadly than the one-eyed trouser snake, or "the spitting serpent" for it, with its miniscule brain, is able to lead a man directly into the sins of masturbation, homosexuality, heterosexual promiscuity, bestiality, and all manner of sexual sins of which I shall not speak. But they do all involve putting the penis where it does not belong. Sinners and Drunks, you will know whereof I speak.
Likewise, the cloven hoof of Satan is represented in the anatomy of the female. The wiles and evil of Woman have been only too well documented in the scriptures since she first caused Adam to fall by arousing in him a desire for "boudoir cheesecake." Thus, young women must be kept from touching themselves in an impure manner lest they arouse the naughtiness which slumbers in their virgin loins, for this can only result in the fall of good and decent young Christian men who need to be preserved for the work of the ministry and GOP ward duty.
The Bible says, "If thy eye offend thee, pluck it out. If they hand offend thee, cut it off. For it is better to enter heaven maimed than to enter hell whole." However, I do not recommend severing an offending penis, as it will be needed later, perhaps as often as every nine months, in the Christian heterosexual marriage bed. Likewise, the vagina cannot really be "plucked out" as it and its associated female plumbing are needed to produce legions of baby Christians for the future of America and her allies and all who name the name of Jesus.
I therefore recommend that young, single men and women wear Looper Steel Wool Anti-Masturbation Mittens on a 24/7 basis, especially at night in bed and in the morning shower. Looper Steel Wool Anti-Masturbation mittens are designed to disabuse young people of onanistic perfidy via Pavolian response. Said simply, they will cause bleeding and severe pain to the penis or vagina if stroked. Pain will prevent masturbation faster than threats of Hell or promises of trips to Disneyland.
Think of these mittens as "Chastity Belts for the Hands" for they are indeed locked onto the wrists with hand-cuff style bracelets. A parent, or a trusted older Christian adult, perhaps one's pastor, maintains custody of the key at all times, especially during times of extreme temptation, for example, when Wonder Woman or the WWF is on the television.
Steel Wool Can and Will Tame Unruly Flesh
Parents will know to chasten their errant teenagers when they see blood on their bedclothes, pajamas, panties, or a bloody pool of ejaculate. It is true: some teens will masturbate despite the cheese-grater effect of these sturdy mittens. However, a shredded penis or vagina will takes months to heal and presents a unique godly sorrow that will indeed lead to repentance.
LooperWorks of Righteousness guarantees that our Anti-Onanistic Steel Wool Mittens will work (less an initial orgasm to prove to a young person that steel wool is a mighty deterrent), or your money will be promptly refunded. Warning: These mittens may encourage masochistic young people. In this case, discontinue their use immediately and have your teenage Christian child lobotomized!
A beautiful set of stainless steel tongs is provided with each set of Looper Mittens. These tongs are used for handling the genitals and tissue while at toilet. The tongs should be cleaned after each use with alcohol swabs or another suitable genital disinfectant such as lye.
To stop those young people who would pick the locks on the mittens, we recommend that your family surgeon affix the mittens by inserting stainless steel pins through them and seating the pins into the bones of the wrist. This measure may seem stern, but Hell is hot and forever whereas an orgasm is a thing that passeth away. The pins may be removed just before the marriage ceremony. If masturbation continues into marriage, then one must suspect demonic possession and act accordingly.
Studies have conclusively proven that masturbatory episodes in our already wicked nation increase dramatically when Looper Steel Wool mittens are not used on a regular basis. In fact US Attorney General John Ashcroft has recommended that Looper Steel Wool mittens be used in all military barracks, prisons, and taxpayer-funded schools to prevent the masturbation pandemic that grips America. "Where will it end if we do not use steel wool?" Aschroft bluntly asked reporters as he took a Christian stand for morality. Lady Justice, now properly clad and no longer a liberal harlot, looked over Mr. Ashcroft's shoulder and seemed to smile her approval of his plan.
Write your Congressperson and Senators demanding that Steel Wool Justice reign in the New America.