"Immortal Beloved..." CX...
Disclaimer: No, Joss, no...I make no claims, put that thing down!
It's all yours and ME's...
Spoilers for Angel to the bitter end...Flee at once!...
Summary: Though the standard IB format, one of (110!) versions of events following the end of Angel S5 episodes from "Girl in Question" through to "Not Fade Away" and beyond...
This one's a single...IB99 and 100 are multipart...(parts alphabetically listed)
Archived (soon) at the 'Normal' Buffyverse page of the Buffy Rebecca verse at -https://www.angelfire.com/zine2/buffyrebecca/index.html , scroll down to "Immortal Beloved" series...
New Sunnydale, California...
"Hello there. Pleasant evening, isn't it?"
"Ummn..." Buffy attempts to hide her nasty-looking stake from what appears to be an innocent, if somewhat odd toddler.
"So..." Narrow-eyed look from oval-headed infant in red jump-suit and yellow shirt. A large white-haired dog at his side, on two feet and bearing a video camera in his paw, looking resigned. "Buffy Summers...World-saving Slayer?"
"Uh....Yeah. Hey, who are you?" Slight defensive stiffening...
"No need to get all murderous, girl. My card."
She stares at crayon-written beige construction paper card... "Stewart Griffin, Esquire."
"Well, isn't that the cutest..."
"Oh, shut up you dim-witted blonde tin soldier! Do you think I came here to have you coo over my manly good looks?!"
"Well, yes...I did. But I have other concerns as well..."
"'Huh'...Tell me is that Californian for 'what do you want?' , 'sorrry, no speaka de English?', or meant to be a mere squeal before dying?"
"What the heck? Where are your parents?"
"The brain-dead couple who serve me left me in the care of a loathsome toad of an obese walking pimple. I and my associate Brian here left him to be consumed, oh I do so hope, by one of the rather unnatural creatures roaming about here in New Sunnydale. Slayer...I, Stewart Griffin, future Overlord of all Earth and several colonies I plan to found, offer you..."
"Honey, that's cute and so are you. But lets go find your parents and..."
"They are not my genetic precursors, you short twit! And I am speaking here!" Pulls ray gun from pocket...
"Hey!" stare at vaporized stake, ashes falling before her...
"The next shot takes out your feeble blonde brain! Now...Why, you...."
"Don't hurt him, ma'am. He really is an infant."
"Yes. What, you gonna tell me you've never dealt with a talking dog before? My God. Is this 21st century California or the Middle Ages?"
"Sorry. So he's really just a kid?"
"I am STEWART GRIFFIN, future... Now, see here, you bitch! Stop that!"
"Such a little cutie with his widdle ray gun. Tickle, tickle...hee."
"Yeah. Widdle ray gun that he just destroyed several buildings of historic importance with..." Brian frowns.
"Set me down, you errand-girl sent by occult grocery clerks! Right, then...Our negotiations will be as follows. A certain party to whom I am reluctantly indebted to..."
"His Mom likes you and William together." Brian sighs.
"William? But how would you..."
"I maintain full and intense surveillance on all global activities of interest, young lady. And the certain party heard about you and dead boy on Entertainment Tonight. Seems your dead boyfriend wrote a moving and heartfelt (Oh, boo-hoo) account of your time together and she..."
"What? But Will's dead...er... Did he leave a book?"
"Well...He may be dead...Or deader...But he's been looking pretty lively on the book tour circuit. Didn't you see him on Oprah the other day?"
"I've been busy. In Europe. He's Unlive?"
"Yes, and apparently was restored to Humanity for unselfish good deeds and world-saving or some such nonsense like that...Though given his current choice of fashion statement as opposed to his past, I would suggest he was better off dead."
"Alive? But why didn't he..."
"Yes, yes. Enough of that. Suffice it to say your beau lives and it being almost Valentine's Day, I've decided to placate the thing from which I derive sustenance from by bringing one of her numerous romantic fantasies to fruition."
"Ah, that vacant look again. I can see why he stays away. However, dangerous as it might be to Humanity's genetic future to allow two such blonde things to mate, bringing you together is my mission and now, chop, chop...Off you go to romantic bliss."
"Now wait a minute. Hey, kid! Stop pushing!!"
"Come on, you stupid cow!" "I'm sorry. He really does mean well."
"Look, stop it! It so happens, kiddo. I'm involved with someone right now."
"Look, I didn't know he was still around. He never came to see me. And after a few..."
"You tramp! You mean to say this fellow died for you and with all the occult sources at your disposal you never even tried to get him back?"
"Hey! I'm not good at that sorta thing."
"Yes. You do look more like the type to carry a tray and take orders. So you went and got 'involved' with some clown? What, another animated corpse? I'd consider psychiatric help, young lady. Necrophilia must be nipped in the bud as I learned once much to my shame."
[Cut to Stewie with dead pet hamster in open cage several months ago. "Why Ms. Hamster, why so stiff and cold? Here, let the Stew man warm those...Whatever they are...I...
Oh, God...Why they're almost identical to Lois'...
"Listen, you little...I happen to be dating one of the world's most powerful, most important, most famous..."
Chuckles from Stewie...Brian struggling to keep straight face.
"Yes...Would that by any chance have been...His Benevolence, the Immortal?"
"The one and only..." firm nod...
Heh, heh...Ha...ha...ha...ha... Stewart and Brian rolling on ground now.
"Uh, sorry." Brian remembers himself and sheepishly stands up.
"And does...'His Benevolence'...Sport a goatee and mustache and wear a suit with top hat...Like Brian is now wearing?"
"And does he speak in a great, deep voice. Like Brian does...When he uses my special great, deep voice amplifier? Does he, huh?...Huh?...Huh?...I do hope I'm getting the little nuances of your impressive local dialect right..."
Oh my God...
"Buffy. I never meant to hurt you." Brian sighs.
"And believe me, girl...He's anything but Immortal." Stewie chuckles.
"It's symbolic. Each descendant takes the predecessors's place in the family line. See...For the past thousand years, Mankind has been in the protection of my kind. We try to see you don't utterly screw yourselves to what extent we can."
"You're lying...It can't be."
"Wanta see his mole? On the right cheek, remember? And you know what sort of 'cheek' I mean."
Arrggh... "No, wait. This is some kind of trick. You're a fiend from Hell, both of you are, and you want me to go and fall into your ambush. Well, kiddo...Buffy Summers wasn't born yesterday."
"No, but I was born less than a couple of years ago and even I can run rings around you intellectually, girlie. Heck even the moron dog here has played you like a..."
"Oh? And just why should I do what you want? Are you like, some super beast with mind-controlling powers disguised as an aberrant member of the Family Circus?"
"Oh, ho…ho. Good one, girl. Wait…Why you blonde bitch! "
"Disguised superbeast with incredible sexual prowess…?" sidelong look…
"Hmmn? Uh, well…No. Just the infant supergenius who's got your ovaries in a vise! Oh...Brian?"
Yeah….exasperated sigh from Brian holding video camera.
"Ok. Uh, look Buffy, I'm not involved in this…Just doing my job, you understand?"
"Roll the blasted video, you moronic dog!"
"Hey. That's yesterday....Right after I defeated the demonic Osama returned from the grave to lead Unholy war on civilized mankind."
"Ok..." Buffy shrugs. "So, a great win for me….What's the big…?"
"One more little scene…" Stewie smiles coldly.
"So ah, Slayer-girl. Nice one there wid the victory over Evil and all. I got it on my video cam here. Hey, Peter Griffin of Rhode Island, just visitin' with the family here. Brian, hold this a minute. So, ah…Buffy, right? You, ah, ever like to relax after battle with a little fast sex with a passer-by?"
"What?" Video image suddenly wavers wildly.
"Hey, just askin'. No need to wave that stick around. Anyway, if you're interested, my car's just over there. Here's my motel address if you like it better after dark."
"Get outta here, jerk!!" grabs the rude speaker, a large, fat blob of a man, holding him close a second.
Later…Here's my number…Hang up if someone named 'Dawn' answers…a faint, quick hissed whisper…
"Could we hear that again, please? Volume up?!" Stewie calls. Brian, sighing, rewinds.
"And we have more from that little…Rendezvous…Later that night. Should you need to see more?"
The really awful thing is…That Homer Simpson guy passing by a moment later turning her down…She running after him, begging, threatening while he pleads that he's a good husband and father? Brian thought. God, was this my fault? When I said we should wait till she was over William? Or is she just that desperate for something warm?
"You can really restore my beloved William to me?" Buffy asks hastily.